Quote From: ritehere Why do you hate your behavior? You didn't write anything about what you have done to deserve self hatred.
Or is it a lack of behavior that you don't like? Are you not doing something you feel you should be doing?
You also express a hatred for your neighbor. He has rude kids who hit him and mouth off to him, but he doesn't discipline them. Does his lack of behavior mirror your own? Is this why you hate him?
Your husband tolerates you being treated like a second class citizen at his families', gets possessive and defensive at your families' or with your friends, and is slowly isolating you. He "drops you like a hot potato" when the neighbor shows up, and won't address his health problems due to smoking. He also wants a dog, but you know he will mistreat it. You know in advance that it's all your fault where he is concerned. (I borrowed the last 2 examples from other boards where you have posted.) Yet you express no anger at your husband.
Get some paper and a pen and begin writing about why you hate yourself, and anything else that comes to mind. Don't worry about making it legible for anybody else, nobody else will read it but you. Be completely honest with yourself and KEEP WRITING until you come to a different place in your perspective. I don't care if you go through a whole notebook and your fingers fall off. The act of writing it will help to clarify your inner turmoil, and help you see what you have been telling yourself. If you tell yourself that you are pathetic and unworthy of love, that's exactly what happens. Then, if you have written things that will get you into trouble with someone else, simply destroy it, you won't forget the emotional impact of the exercise even if you do forget the exact words. The point is to get it out, see it, and accept it. You can't fix what you don't own, and it seems to me that you are in denial about some things. Good luck.
I'll start writing today. My hatred for my neighbor is something I don't understand completly. I had 4 kids who would never dream of that kind of behavior especially if we were at somebody elses home and I can't understand a parent thinking this is cute behavior but I think the whole thing comes down to the way my husband treats the neighbor. He is friendly and wants to include him in our lives. Fine except he will not include anybody else. My daughter and I are close. Her fiance is a friend of ours. He is closer to our age than hers. They are in love and that is fine with me. My husband doesn't like them for some reason and they have spoken to me many times about it. My husband doesn't like to share me and seems to hate it when I cut up and have fun with others. We don't go anywhere with other people because of the way he acts. I love to go to dinner with others but my husband always acts so quiet and sullen and has to have his hand on my so everybody knows we are together. I have never given him any reason to worry about flirting etc. he just doesn't like to share. I guess it bothers me that he can treat the neighbor like his best ever friend but anybody I care about shouldn't be around. There is alot to this that I can't fit in here but my family is very concerned about this. My husband can be alot of fun to be around at work unless I am there and then he is possessive. I hate that we can't have any social life
