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Messages By: toshinshi

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September 3, 2005, 11:32 am CDT

09/02 "I Hate Myself"

  I know how these people feel, kinda. I'm 5'8'' and 209lb.s (at 15...) and see myself as a disgusting blob. But I could never starve myself. I see food as something pleasurable (southern); guess thats why I'm still fat...
 Unlike these people though, my self-loathing includes a few more features about myself than weight. I think these people should find a hobby, something that doesn't include a mirror, to take thier mind off thier own self image. Thats what I do.
I also noticed that many of these girls were the "popular" kind. This can add lots of stress to be thin. I never got along with those kind and tend to hang out with the social outcasts, no preassure there. But yes, I understand the basics of what these girls are going through.
 
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September 8, 2005, 4:39 pm CDT

No better place to go...

 (* The Dr. Phil site needs more variety. This is the best place I could find to post my problem.*)
    I almost envy you gay guys. I know its hard, but once you come out  you can go about finding 'someone'.
I'm transsexual. I like men; but instead of being happy as a normal straight girl my mind is fixed on becomeing a man. I cannot see myself loving a man as a woman. I know you all think I'm crazy for wanting the life of a gay man over a straight girl, and I agree. I've felt this way for a long time now and I'm pretty young, so I think this is built-in. Its problematic, I'm something of am extream sexest to women because of it and certain members of my family (grandpa) like to call me a dyke. T_T;
 I admit, I do try my hardest to look male; even to the point of degrading my health. But its no good. Looking like a man doent mean anything unless your anatomically one.
I need a little help; what should I do? Seek counciling? Persue it? Or should I just give up and put on a dress? I doubt I could ever afford the surgery (around $50,000 at least), and the result isnt exactlly 'good looking'. Most of all what and how should I tell my folks? My big sis knows and I think my mom does, but what about everyone else? I'm very confused...
 
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September 25, 2005, 8:49 am CDT

*applause*

Quote From: cuteboi21

Well I dont know where to begin really. This is my first message.  I am 21 and 2 weeks after my 19th bday my dad had enough with my so called chosen lifestyle. So, the christian counseling didnt work out the way he wanted, so he took my house key and my new car at the time away from me thinking  that would chage my feelings and make me straight.  OMG Well little did he know that I had another thing coming. I am doing better . I still have my moments. Holidays are pretty tough. My first Christmas ...not getting nothing at all...just a card basically telling me im going to hell doesnt sound to loving if you aske me....and not a thing for my bday was even harder. I just never thought that something like this would ever happen to me.  Dad and I have not talked in 2 years.  Mom isnt thrilled but she tells me that it would have been different if she had some say so in what to do with my sexuality. My brother that is 25 is not having anything to do with me either. A month after coming out, my brother says he is called by god to preach!!  How ironic is that. So fake lol. The family just laughs about it still to this day.  I would love to here from anyone out there ...their story or if they have anything to ask me or commits about my little life story.      One thing i have learned....sometimes in order to gain something. you have to lose something
 Very good for you! I'm very impressed you had the nerve to tell your church family. My parents are very supportive people and I'm still scared to tell them.
 We joke about my problem (so I don't know if mom knows I'm serious) but shes against it when I bring it up for my best interests; she feels my life will be miserable if I choose to persue my feelings. My folks arent big church people so I don't have to worry about the whole "Your going to Hell" thing.
 I think you did good to get away and go about your life without them. Sometimes its the best thing to do.. I kinda wish I could move away for a while to think about things (alas, I'm 15...)
And (from what I got out of your story) your parents seemed to be more concerened aout there reputation with the church than your well-being. i've known amany people on the net who were gay and had to hide it from their parents, and they were all very miserable; so I congradulate you on comming out.
And if your worried about your families words, don't be. If you were born gay, you cant help it. God made you gay, so how can he send you to hell for it?
So go out and find that life partner, get illegaly married, and be happy!
 
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September 25, 2005, 9:07 am CDT

sorry if i'm posting too much

Quote From: gebham

i think if ure feeling this way then yeh talk to someone definately. It couldnt hurt just to chat to someone who can understand wat your going through. Once you've spoken to someone for some time and talked out all of how your feeling, then its bound to be much clearer in your head what you want. After all, surgery is a big step and couldnt hurt just to chat to someone first. If at the end of talking etc you still feel the same way then its definately upto you what you should do. If you feel that it is the way you will be happy in life then you should, with the support of your friends if not family, go for what you feel is best. At the end of the day, if anatomically you can only be happy as male then you've got to take that chance. Its a long life to waste. Can you see yourself living till 80 as a woman and living a fulfilled life?
 As for your parents, i think only you can answer that. If the support from your parents would help you through what will be a difficult time, then i would suggest trying to talk to them. After all, you are their daughter, and it might take time to get used to, but they would deep down want you to be happy, no matter how they react.  

I'd say dont worry so much about everyone else, you should focus on yourself right now, and make a decision which could be the most important one you ever make. Its your time! :) 

 Sorry, a bit rambly and i dont really know what im talking about, but hey...theres my two pence worth :) hehe. 

G x 

 Thank you for your words Gebham. 
 I do believe that surgery will alway be my goal and I do plan on openly telling my parent (eventually) if they don't figure it out on there own. I do believe they will supportme; but the true test will be in abut two years. I want to wear a tux to prom. In a way it symbolizes my feelings, in another, I just don't want to wear a dress. My mom and I are already butting heads about this; I really only plan to go to my senior prom unless I'm invited to my junior. As I see it, if they can't handel something as small as me wearingb a tux in public, then they can't really support my ultimate choice of becomeing a man. It also means I'll miss every dance of my high school life. But I suppose I'll just take things as they come...
 
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October 1, 2005, 4:17 pm CDT

...

Quote From: gebham

Hi, just wanted to say again i think its incredibly...dont think brave it the right word....strong maybe better?..i think its incredibly strong of you to want to wear a tux to your prom. I think ure inspiring as a human being to be honest, the fact that you want to be yourself and arent prepared to conform to wat others may want you to do...especially when the others may be your parents.  


 I still find myself conforming a little to wat my parents want from me. Im completely out to them but i still do things so they dont feel uncomfortable. for example; it was there 25t wedding anniversary and i pretended to be 'friends' with my girlfriend so they wouldnt feel uncomfortable around their friends. If i were single i wouldnt have a prob not mentioning my sexuality, its not all of who i am, but the fact that ive been with my partner a yr and a bit, i really felt like i was being disrespectful to her, and to hurt her is beyond the last thing i would ever do.  

Its still a bit difficult around my parents. 

  

Any advice?
G x 

 Thank you Gebham, your a good e-buddy.
 My parents and I are very close and open. The only reason my mom says she doesnt want me to wear a tux is because shes worried about my best interests and well-being. She has said in casual talk that she wouldnt mind if I was gay as long as I was happy. But I think my mom has only had bad exsperiences with transsexuals. She had one named C.J. work with her for a while. C.J. was a black man who desperately wanted to be a woman. He had had implants and was on hormone injections. He also wore make-up and fake nails. Everyone hated him and talked about him constantly. She also knew on that went to the caf'e at Sam's (where she works) that looked really odd and everyone stared at him and mumbeled things. I think she believes that if I go on like this openly I'll be ridiculed like the elephant man and be miserable. I know the people in the south are ignorant , rude, and cruel; but if things keep up as they are I really think I might  really try to commet suicide (not that it would work...) Worst part is I can't even seek counsiling because all the psycologists are booked with Katrina and Rita people. At least I can vent here when I need to... and play video games.
 
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worried
October 3, 2005, 4:03 pm CDT

<<; >>;

 Ignore the bottom of that last post. Mood swings sure can  make you say weird things.......
 
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October 8, 2005, 12:40 pm CDT

v.v;

Quote From: jenn_1785

I'm wondering if that other person who you're replying to made a choice to be straight. I'm straight. I dont recall thinking to myself one day "should i be gay or straight?" I hate when people try to say that "it's a choice"....that's so ignorant. They need to come out of their little bubble and look at the world around them. The bible doesnt say "love one another....except the gays..."

 Thank you for agreeing with me. People like that really get me going. It's just upsetting that they would use GOD as a reason to hate. 

 As more time passes it seems humans want to be more perfect, the don't want to believe that they have primal insticts like lust. Homosexuality and masturbation are so frouned on by so many societies, yet insest, rape, prostitution, adultry, and so many others can "be forgiven". 

 And no matter how mush you want you can't get away from it. One of my sister's (and mine) best friends left college all the students woun't stop harrasing him. It was mostly the girls and black boys, two different kinds of people who, until recenly, were treated almost the same way. They claim "racesism" and "sexual harrasment" all the time, that 'people should all be treated equally' then they pull this kind of stuff. 

 I would like to think that things are better up north for gays (in Texas a few years back, cops were attacking gays in there area with battons and nailed boards) but I'm sure its not true. 

     We have a long way to go,and it may be the rapture before it comes, but we will prove them wrong and get our freedom from societies' hatred. 

great, now i'm depressed again....... 

 
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October 8, 2005, 1:01 pm CDT

pretty much

Quote From: fabala

I admire your friend a lot for being himself. One of my lesbian friends pretends to like boys that I like in front of the rest of my friends so that people won't know, and I've pleaded with her to just stop lying about who she likes, but she feels that people will judge her. Sometimes I wonder why there aren't more openminded people in the world...I mean, what IS so different between a homosexual friend and a hetero? Their sexual orientation, perhaps, but why is that so important? Sure, a girl might not get to go out with her friend who's a homosexual guy, but you can still confide, trust and have fun with that friend. Religion doesn't influence me, of course, as I'm nearly an Athiest, but I find it ridiculous that anyone could believe that their Gods would deny love. Heck, the Bible displays things like sex and incest a hundred times over, and people ignore those...so why are they making such a big deal about same-sex couples?

Because they're afraid.

That's right. Because they're afraid of what they don't understand. Because they're afraid of change and difference. Fear is the only possible explanation for people being so strongly against it. But aren't some people rascist? We still respect African American people. Sometimes it is necessary to ignore some people's views in order to make things fair for everyone. It's a way of life.

  Thats probably true in many cases. We have a tendancy to fear what we don't know. I admit even sometimes I do it. I see alot of strainge people in Sam's and to be honest, church people kinda creep me out too, but I'm always nice to them. I always smile and use the best of manners; even if its just a casual nod, I try to be nice. 

 To ad to what you said about people fearing the unknown, I think common society, even school has fueled that fear and anger. Our abstenance teacher (reqiured cource) tried to pin AIDs on gay people. I nearly bit her head off. I had to explain that they now believe that it was mersonaries and explorers who brought it over by eating raw monkey brains (a delicacy to many native tribes), and that they now also think it could have been around earlyer. They think that the Black Paluge was AIDs. I don't think anyone believed me. They seem to want to make you believe that gays are (for lack of a better word) sluts who are filthy and full of STDs. They seem to try there hardest to make you hate them at a young age. 

  Parents carry this on because they fear their children not being normal. They want them to be normal and popular because they believe that will give them an advantage in life. Its a cicle that will indeed take a long time to change. 

 
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October 9, 2005, 12:50 pm CDT

Sure

Quote From: gebham

heya, sorry just wanted to ask by the way if your on msn and if you minded me adding you? :) Upto you. No probs if not.
Gem xx
 I'm not on MSN. I'm on AIM. But I can add that and my e-mail to profile for you.
 
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October 13, 2005, 2:33 pm CDT

Cant find it....

Quote From: gebham

well said. hey if you feel like joining in the debate in the current new forum under 'gay marriage' all feel free. 

Its getting quite heated at the moment. 

 Sounds good. Welcome back btw.
 An update on myself also. My mom found me a shrink and I go in for my first session tommorow. (^-^)
 Oh yeah, what happened to all of  'hurtngirl's posts? Not that I agreed with her on any point but she did keep the thread going...
 

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