Messages By: derevna33

   I have survived major depressions for years.  I edited the word "battled" out of that sentence because it is not something I have overcome,  I have been forced  to terms with it because it is always there. ( I will spare you the details) 

   My first episode sent me to the mental hospital, and the psyche tech informed me that I "wasn't as crazy as I felt.  That sent me off in a long fit of crying.  In those days, something that small would have that effect.   Nowadays, I force myself to start off with a realistic attitude and GET OUT of bed!  That isn't as easy as it sounds.  At first, that was all I could do.  Then I had to force myself to take my medication, shower, dress for my busy day,  do my hair, and tidy my bedroom.  Feed the goldfish.  Check the philodendrons.  

   It sounds a little odd that doing the everyday things will help, but that is how big battles are won--with a victorious little skirmish with yourself.         

    I believe any mother-in-law owes her first alligence to her son--not her daughter-in-law.  Remember that when you are a wife.  Being a wife means standing alongside her husband, and being his friend and confidant.  A wife must keep the things he has told her about his mother TO HERSELF!!  His secrets are her secrets. 

     That is the best way to help him 

    Your son would have to have to had over his body parts to the most hateful person he has ever known, watch her place them in the blender, and give them a thorough grinding.  There aren't many women that meet these requirements.

   I needed the good giggle I got from reading about Michelle the beautiful, sweet, intelligent with "springy curls of--probably fake--golden hair, the flowers springing up from her footsteps wherever she goes, and the Beatles trilling her name "Michelle, our Belle" from the trees in a chorus bringing tears to the eyes of Angels.

   I remember that the Animals did the song Please don't let me be Misunderstood.  What is the song that fits by the Byrds?

      On TLC, The Learning Channel, which is part of Discovery, there was a program on Mondays called "Honey, we are killing the Kids."   On this program, a family began a program with a dietitian and stressing healthy foods. The first week consisted of the family tossing out all the stuff in the freezer and pantry.  One poor father had to toss out his beloved Fry Daddy, deep fat fryer.  One embarrassed  mom took cooking classes.  There was one mother who had to ask for help in the fruits and vegetables section in the grocery store.  (She didn't know a turnip from a cauliflower)

    My favorite family had a son that couldn't make his 7th grade football team.  Instead of staying at home after school, he had his own trainer and he started boxing.  The football coach was pleased because he said Anthony would benefit from year round conditioning--which boxing stresses.  The whole family had to exorcise, one couple had to take up ball room dancing.  The list of options goes on and on.  

     The third week often featured such things as stopping smoking and limiting television viewing. 

 By then, the sugar withdrawal had ended and there was a lot less whining.  Everyone in the family felt much better and had lost weight.  

    Verbal abuse isn't just being called names. I believe a good example is a tactic that addicts often use on their co-dependent spouse. Endless hours of listening to the "superior " spouse listing the many reasons that they are superior--which both of my alcoholic husbands were eager to do.  Husband #1 and husband #2 both believed they were more intelligent than I.  If I had an opinion of my own--well, it was automatically wrong.   And, I defended their bad behavior.  Made excuses for it.  Forgave them for the unforgivable.  Over and over again.

   Husband #1  had at least 6 affairs in 20 years before I gave up.  Husband #2 did 10 days for spousal abuse in 5 years of marriage.

   I understand that the co-dependent spouse develops the self-esteem of a gnat.  It ceases to exist at all.  I lost mine in both marriages, and I didn't realize it was gone!   Husband #1 and husband #2 both repented of their long abuse of me, and they vowed to become  better people.  Within 6 months, they forgave themselves and returned living their own merry, if sodden, lives.  The sickening, truly unfair thing is that a co-dependent takes much longer to recover.  The abuser says, "I'm sorry", and expects this to be all there is to it.   Abusers can do that--abusers have more control.  A co-dependent can only worry and stew.

    The fellow on the program can only vow to be a better ex-husband than he was a husband.  Being a good ex-husband means doing what is best for his children's mother.  She's in such awful shape that she considered reconciling with him. Returning to the marriage relationship is in his best interest, but it sure is not in hers.    

   The addict or abuser will always find an adequate excuse.  It may be flimsy, but they will never find fault with themselves.  They will blame MySpace.  Or Craig'slist.  Or something.  An abusing husband will claim "she let herself go, she isn't as attractive as a size 2 runway model."  (He never notices he is not Denzel Washington)  When he feels the need to damage this children as much as his spouse, he claims that  "she's isn't a good parent."  When he attacks her value in society,  (we are as valuable as the money we earn) "she didn't earn enough money. "

    Those are handy excuses. 

    And the co-dependent finds excuses for him.  To the rousing strains of Tammy Wynette's Stand by Your Man, she forgives the unforgivable.  She is lost in the myth that this is a competition she must win with all the **** .  She will prove to all the--well, let's be charitable and say-- women that he cheated with that she is the better woman.  She goes off into a happy, feminine fantasy where she proves she deserves and truly loves him.  

    He has learned to play a co-dependent for a fool.  All he has to do is say "I'm sorry" and all the past is forgiven, and he gets to go on his own merry way.  He wants to protect himself from all those other women with a legal marriage.  (He can avoid an intense relationship with someone on Craig'slist by suddenly remembering 'I'm a married man")

    A reconciliation is in the best interests of the abuser, not the co-dependent..  She surrenders herself  in any relationship.  She is the last one to realize this because focusing on  being the best woman, the best wife, and the best mother that she can be takes up all her time and attention.  She forgets to remember if he is being the best husband or father.  He's a only a man, and he is not responsible for his own actions.   All the other women are the problem.  When she's honest with herself, which isn't often because she has as much self-esteem as a gnat, she admits she uses him as if he were  sexual object--the only dildo in town.

   And, she returns to that marriage as deluded as the first time she left.  I  

   This issue about having children must have come up when the couples were discussing their marriage before announcing their engagement.  If she entered the marriage knowing he did not wish to have children--and now she has changed her mind--she should also consider changing her husband.  The marriage is over.

    This is too large an issue for compromising. 

     Unfortunately, I know how that poor second woman feels.  I was married 7 years, and I was 29 years old when I starting trying to conceive.  As a teenager, I was taught that it is contraception that was challenging.  As a young wife, I discovered that certain joy of resorting to basal temperatures, charts,  and cervical mucus.  Months passed, and still no babies.  I became a nervous wreck.  I felt less than a woman or person.  (This is how I felt--people are not Vulcans and capable of being perfectly logical) 

     It turned out that the unknown reason that I could not easily conceive reared its ugly head.  I was developing cervical cancer.  Once each year, I made enough chemicals to conceive.  I was overjoyed when this happened. Things were looking up. 

    But the cancer reared its ugly head.  It masked several alarming symptoms, and that first child was

stillborn.  One of the most horrible things that can can happen to any woman is going into the delivery room to have a child that she knows is dead.  And then, six weeks later, my PAP smear came back to the doctor marked "suspicious, probably malignant."  I learned the true value of "double lab" for biopsies.  I had an operation, and I had to take cancer drugs for six weeks.

   Eventually, I had a daughter and a son.

   I would never, ever say that it was easy.  I would never say that all a person has to do was think positive thoughts.  Or relax.  For some people it is destined to be MUCH more difficult!   And there are absolutely no guarantees.       

    (I suspect that Dr. Phil did not discuss adoption because neither one of these couples could pass the psyche test for adoptive couples.  There is too much angst in both of them to bring a child into their worlds.)           

   I believe that many of the inmates you are  teaching in prison are not capable of empathy.  There is a big glaring reason that they believe that their "behavior" toward their ex-wives or girlfriends is justified.  Anger management does wonders for a person with a bad temper.  It is much, much too little, too late for repairing a conscience--or even for forming one--in a convict. 

   Normal people have four, basic emotions:  love, anger, jealousy, and guilt.  We need all four of them to be functioning peoples.  Most humans understand that we need love--we say we love chocolate, our favorite football team, Christmas etc etc etc.  We often deny the need for anger.  Anger is energy; it makes us do things.    Two year old children are blessed with lots of anger.  It isn't always pretty, but it is necessary.  And, then there is jealousy.  "Mine!"  Every parent hears that one from a three year old.

    Guilt is the one that separates the children from the adults.  Guilt is the knowledge that we have  options.  Guilt is the thing that tells us it is wrong to kill all five customers standing in the line during the bank robbery.  Guilt gives us brakes.  It stops us from considering things we can't justify later. 

     An absence of guilt, is to be antisocial.               

    Dear Anita,

    This is a big problem, and it is too large for you to carry alone.

    Do you feel as fragile as crystal?  Do you wonder what self-esteem is because you haven't had any for so long? 

   Of coarse he will use it against you!  He knows threatening to gain custody is how to really  hurt you!  He abuses you because he gets away with it!  You have let him!

   (Do you think that maybe I've walked a few miles in your moccasins?)