Messages By: derevna33

Quote From: bridger

I now know after seeing todays show, that my higher power is working with me. Not seeing it before but going through the same situation as the first woman. Now on the eve of Christmas Eve, I sit alone with my feelings and my dog. My husband of 24 yrs. walked out a couple months ago to go live with his old girlfriend. I was in total shock, did not know of the affair via telephone and other ways. He broke our family apart for completely selfish reasons. None of us could believe he would do this. I did not think I could live through it. I have had all the same feelings, had to go on doctor's care. He was the breadwinner and now I have nothing. It is a very scary place for a woman my age to be. I pray that one day I will wake up and be my old self again. Right now I don't see that happening any time soon. The holidays will never be the same for me and my family. This behavior of his is so wrong in so many ways, it should not be allowed to happen.

Quote From: tigger2908

I have been separated for 7 years, having been married for 23.  For the last 8 years of our marriage, my ex-husband suffered from Clinical Depression.  As far as I know, he still does.  We have no direct contact.

 

During the early part of our separation, my ex accused me of alienating our two sons from him.  The accusation came to me through my lawyer.  While he has stopped accusing me (at least I haven't heard anything more) it was extremely hurtful at the time and I still remember the feeling it caused. 

 

I consider myself a good Mom and I think my sons agree.  I'd be lying if I said that I have never said a bad word about my ex to them.  After all, I'm human.  However, it is his behaviour that has alienated our older son, not anything I said.  Without going into it all, my ex is guilty of physical abuse (just once, that's all it took), emotional abuse (saying that our sons would be better off in foster care than with me - if I'm so bad, why didn't he take them?) and financial abuse (he refuses to pay child support),  For the first couple of years, I insisted that both sons see their father.  Eventually, our older son got to the age where he could make his own choice.  He chose to cut off all contact.  Our younger son still has a relationship with his father, which I do not discourage in any way.

 

My point is that just because a child cuts off contact with the non-custodial parent, it's not always the fault of the costodial parent.  Some of these people have to take ownership for their own behaviour and accept the fact that they just might be at fault.

 

Karen

Quote From: lulubug927

Everything I have looked up about PAS says that it's something that mothers normally do.  I believe that I am in the midst of a PAS battle but I am the mother and my daughter's father is keeping her from me.  When it first started happening a  year ago, I figured it was just normal pre-teen/teenager stuff.  We shared custody 50/50 until that time.  Abruptly, my daughter started telling lies about my husband and I and she refused to see me.  Conveniently, it was about the time my ex's wife graduated from law school and started working in family law.  My ex gives my daughter the choice to see me, and she refuses.   I am stuck and don't know what to do.

Can someone tell me if PAS is a recognized term?  A counselor told me that PAS has been "debunked" and is not recognized by medical professionals, court system, etc.

Quote From: kim77077

I call this child abuse, any child should not have to be in the heat collecting rocks or with holding their dinner it is wrong and if one thinks that it is right to have a child out in the heat knowing that a child is left in a hot car what can happen this child could have a heat storke. If the parents really love this child they would not be doing this. Their are other ways to solve bad behavior, Take something away that they like playing with or they cannot have a play date with the friends that she likes to hang out with or no phone calles to her friends what a day or two their are other ways of dealing with behavior then doing what the parents are doing now,Both parents need to go to parenting school and untile they can get a grip on things this child should be living with a grandparent. How would they feel if they were being punish like this and where they

punish like this when they were a child?

Quote From: efffy_

If anything in your marriage is like a crystal vase you are already
in trouble. Trust can be broken and rebuilt stronger then it was
initially. If you truly love someone then you forgive them no matter
what and love them forever. It, unfortunately, does not automatically
follow that the love you feel is reciprocal,  or that what you fell in
love with was the truth. People give up far too easily which leads me
to believe they have no idea what love really is. If your mate makes a
mistake forgive them, love them and move on. If they continue to make
the same mistake then they do not love you; you are living a lie, and
only your heart is at risk. There is no excuse to stay in a marriage or
relationship after you discover it is a lie. Staying for children is
especially stupid. Do you really want to teach your children to settle
and be unhappy? Parents that are happy are far better for children.

Quote From: sueervin

After watching the show on "You Got Served", I remembered when I found out my husband had cheated on me sixteen years ago.  I guess this begins twenty years ago, when my father died.  My mother was left with not being able to do a lot for herself because of illness.  Since I was the one sister who was a stay-at-mom (two sons 4 and 6) it fell to me to take care of her.  Although my mother was a very strong willed woman and didn't want to be a burden, there were things that she was unable to do because of her illnesses.  My husband and I with our sons lived in an old farm house (this was my husband's choice) with three floors and over 2600 square feet of living space.  My husband was and still is a lawyer and when he came home, he played with the boys and then sat in front of the TV.  His addiction then and is "gamblilng". I went to my mother's house at least three times a week to clean, take her shopping or shop for her when she was unable, and leave church early on Sunday's to start the main dinner for the rest of the family's Sunday visit.  I also kept my own house clean, cooked meals, took care of our two sons, laundry, painted when needed, made minor repairs, took the boys to school functions and activities as they got older, worked a vegetable garden, trimmed the yard (over 2 acres) whenever my husband would mow, and anything else that needed to be done.  If my husband wanted to go to the horse races each weekend I was to pack clothes and the boys into the car and be ready when he got home from work on Friday.  Our vacations were always taken near some place to gamble.  The boys and I spent many nights entertaining ourselves in motels while he gambled.  As the boys got older, they didn't want to go every weekend.  I too did not enjoy these trips and dreaded weekends.  It became easier to stay home with the boys and let my husband go alone.  He started staying late at the office.  When he came home, dinner was usually dried out because he didn't call to let me know he would be late.  After dinner, he usually made an excuse to return to work.  Every weekend he would go to the dog races.  I remember one evening our oldest son asking him why he didn't come home right after work and he told him he didn't want to. I can remember being so lonely during this time. I remeber the boys in the den and I was in the attic/sewing room listening to a talk show just to hear another adult's voice.  I kept asking him if he were having an affair, but he always looked me straight in the eyes and told me "no".  I had no reason not to trust him because our sex life was still happening.  Two to three times a week I felt was a lot since I lived on little energy.  The year after my mother died, I found out he definitely he was cheated in me.  Of course, the weight loss and Corvette helped me to open my dumb eyes.  When he was confronted, he confessed and told me he was planning to end it anyway.  My world went into a tailspin.  I became paranoid out of his sight.  I wanted to confront the woman but he wouldn't let me saying "she was a nice person".  My response, "no nice person breaks up a marriage."  I told him I was staying with him because I loved him (I guess deep down, I really had no other place to go), but if it ever happened again, I would leave because I love me.  The only change he made after finding out about the affair  was to quit seeing her outside of work.  I was the one who had to make all the changes.  I was the one who spent time going whenever he wanted to go someplace, I was the one who had to become the active sex partner doing things I cannot even repeat in my own mind.  I felt like I was prostituting myself to him just to make him happy.  It seemed I was the one whose life was turned upside down and I was the one who had to make it better.  He just sat back and let me do it.  It took me seven years to let go of the pain, but deep inside, I don't belive I've really forgiven him for the hurt that was caused.  When our youngest son died four years ago in a car accident at the age of 20, I began to really realize how selfish my husband has been all through this marriage.  He is a giving man of money and sometimes his time (that is, if it is something he wants to do), but he fully believes the world should revolve around him.  He feels he should be number one this life.  It took me three years after the death of our son for me to get him to sell the house.  I couldn't deal with the pain anymore.  When I chose a townhouse to live in, he decided he didn't like it and isn't sleeping here.  He comes by each morning early for breakfast and a shower and sometimes spends all day, but when evening comes, he leaves and returns to his office to sleep.  I must say I like this arrangement, because when he is around, I am depressed.  I don't want a divorce because I have put in 28 years of my life with this man.  I love him, but most of the time, I really don't like him.  As I look back, I often wonder if I would have changed anything. I have lived with the feeling of not being worthy for so long, that it has taken a lot of strength to over come this.  I know wherein my strength lies and with the Lord's help, I will keep this strength to accept whatever comes.    Sue