Messages By: derevna33

   What are you supposed to do when you are 16 years old and you are already dating Mr. Right?  As odd as it sounds, it happens and it is a nightmare.  I am not talking about dating some immature teenage boy.  I am talking about someone very special, a "one in a hundred thousand."  I know, because I was there, too.

   I wound up "doing the right thing," breaking up with him and keeping "my honor" intact.  I did the right thing, and I wandered through the rest of my life more unhappy than I would have been if I hadn't been such a coward.  My parents approved of the breakup.  His parents approved of the breakup.  And I didn't understand that doing the "right thing" would make me more unhappy.         

   Go ahead and take your pictures.  It's the only way to accomplish anything.  Talking nicely to them anymore won't work!  You will have to go to court and find out whose responsibility it truly is.

    I don't own dogs, but my neighbors do.  Last spring, I wound up in court.  I was cited for abusing my neighbor's dogs.  They had three Labs.  The city has a regulation that only 2 dogs may reside on each property, due to its size.  Otherwise, you must have kennel license--and live outside city limits.  This regulation is fair to the owners and their dogs.

     I wanted to be a good, non-complaining neighbor.  It became impossible.  The dogs favorite sport was excessively barking and jumping up on the fence--which was only about 4 feet tall.  Every time I opened the back-door, this happened.  I was uneasy in my own backyard feeding the wild birds and the squirrels.  Sometimes, they attacked because I walked  into the kitchen because that's where the back-door is located. 

    I was cited for throwing the container for the squirrel food at the fence. ( I can't hit anything)  It didn't land on their property.  But the neighbor came out and made an obscene gesture.  I responded as unladylike as she had.  The courtroom laughed and laughed because I answered the direct question.  (The judge thought it was funny because this was the only case he heard all day not involving drugs or alcohol)  By then, the charges had been reduced from dog abuse to disturbing the peace.

      I was found not guilty because the law in my state requires the presence of children for foul language to be considered disturbing the peace.  I explained to the prosecuting attorney that at the time of my alleged public disturbance that the dogs were barking so loudly that I was guessing every other word my neighbor said.  "She may or may not have heard me, but I suppose she could read my lips well enough to get my meaning, mighty fine." 

   Everybody eagerly wants to put the blame on one person because it is easier.  It appeals to the martyr in all of us.  It is simple to exonerate someone with a "if only the other guy would . . ."  Taking responsibility for own actions is difficult.   Also, it is much easier way of excusing ourselves for our own inactions.  "If only he would be the faithful husband that he promised to be when we were married" is much easier than coming to terms with the fact that you do not trust not trust him and the marriage has ended. 

    I've been there and done that.

   She wants to live in a pleasant place, a fantasy where she has a happy home and a good marriage.  She doesn't particularly care for reality.  What she wants is much more pleasant than what she has.  She clings to the fantasy because she can not face the reality. 

   I work at Wendy's.  Two days ago, a rotund mother waddled up to our counter.  She had brought her kids in for dinner.  I made the mistake of asking if the oldest boy wanted a kid's meal.  That's a small hamburger, a few fries, and a small drink--enough for any 10-year-old.  It was his mother who became  indignant.  "He needs a Baconator combo, super sized."

   I ordered it because it is not my place to argue with people. 

  They are responsible for their own choices.

   Be patient with your weight loss program.  Since you didn't gain 120 pounds all in one day, you aren't going to lose it all in one day, either.  It'll take as loooooong as it's gonna take.  I'm glad to hear you are beginning a exercise program--gym membership or not.  (I watch Daily Workout with Denise Austin on Lifetime)     

    Were they really, truly giving this marriage their all?  That's a rheotorical question.  You don't want to hear the answer.  I believe that a marriage is a relationship, and when one party is giving their all--it still isn't enoug to make a better relationship.  It too easily descends into "filling in the blanks." 

     Finding the deep roots of the problem will only postpone the inevitable.  

     I stayed in a bad marriage far longer than I should have.  I tried to make it work.  And, I tried.  And, I tried.  I had six excellent reasons to beome a divorcee.  I stayed because I would try to do what was right--even when I knew it was hopeless.    

    when you are perfect in every way.

    I can't wait to look in the mirror

    'cause I get better looking

    each day.

    Some folks tell me I'm egotistical

    and I don't even know

    what that means.

     I guess it has something to do with the way

     that I fill out my skin tight blue jeans.

     Oh yes, I have had the displeasure of watching The Bachelor.  It is a show empathizing a feminine competition for the perfect man. The producers even drag the bachelor's family into it.  And, he asks for his mother's help choosing that ideal girl for him to propose to at the end of the show.  The "poor boy" whines about his plight. 

     And now, he has the audacity to promote his book. 

     He had his own agenda, also.    

     Why would you advise them about what they are doing wrong in their marriages?  If you are their divorce lawyer, be their divorce lawyer.  Sticking with the facts is hard enough when she is so emotionally involved.  If she needs a professional therapist, tell her.  (You are working for a lot more money an hour than any therapist.  She is wasting her money spilling her guts out to you)

      Give her Mom a break.  She has to live with this herself.  It must be awful . . .  

    I was astonished at how similar our stories are!  I was married for 20 years to my first husband, also.  When we married, I was 23 and he was 21.  I wasn't all that dependent upon him.  I loved him, and I was confident in our future together.

    The first sign of difficulties occurred about a year into our marriage.  He graduated from college, and he was a beginning reporter for a newspaper.  That meant a lot of moving  for not very much money.  I actually made more money waiting tables than he did.  He didn't like this.  He tended to drown his troubles in alcohol.  He could drink the first 5 bottles of beer in an hour after work.  At dinner, he had 4 glasses of wine.  For an evening cocktail, he finished off 6 or 7 triple vodka screwdrivers.

      Every evening I would make a pass at him, hoping to get him in the mood.  He usually had a good excuse.  He also had ISD, Inhibited Sexual Desire, which is a classic symptom of alcoholism--which he vigorous denied.  Oh no,  I was old and fat because I was 26, 5'7" tall, and I weighed 130 pounds.  Oh yes.  If I was younger and prettier he would want to make love with me.  So, after telling me off for making my demands upon him, he staggered down the hall to bed alone. 

      I'm the one who slept on the sofa.

      He didn't want to begin a family until he was 40.  Finally, I pleaded to start when we were 30.  He agreed.  As you say, NOT having a baby can get a lot more expensive than having one!   I had a full term still birth in 1985.  Six weeks later, my PAP smear results returned marked "suspicious, probably malignant."  While awaiting my second set of biopsies to determine whether or not I would be having a hysterectomy that summer, I tried suicide.  If Charley had died, I wanted to die, too.

     I had a major depressive, and I was in no condition to be rational.

     Two years later, after surgery and cancer drugs, I gave birth to my daughter.  When Lauren was 6 months old, my ex had some "difficulties." He claimed he hated asking me this, but he wanted to know who I was sleeping with that he got VD.  I replied, "I would be more inclined to believe you if you had slept with me in the last month or so."

     I forgave him again.

     I had a son, James,  two years after my daughter.  As you say, burying your firstborn deeply affects how you feel about raising your children.  I wasn't going to let a babysitter to this.  I stayed home.  I did what I knew was the right thing for me to do.  I honestly did not care how poor we were.  Saturday night consisted of homemade hamburgers and french fries, and staying home home to watch re-runs of Lawrence Welk.  I even taught the kids how to polka.

     All in all, I counted six valid reasons for becoming a divorcee.  And that's if you scoop up all his assorted affairs into one reason.  At one point, he had two girlfriends at once!  Girlfriend number  one didn't know about girlfriend number two.  Number two was one of my friends, and I had several unkind comments about them.  "She thinks she is the only 'woman with low morals' in Sonora!"

    And yet, I wanted to keep my family together.  I thought a divorce would be too painful for my children.  I had many excuses to endure the unendurable.  One of my best was that if I stayed for more that 19 years, I would receive more money in social security benefits.

       I agree with you when you say you should not stay in a marriage just because you "choose" it.

      Logic had nothing to do with it.  I was not choosing anything.  I, like all human beings,  was driven by emotion.  People are not Vulcans.  Emotion is far more powerful than logic.         

    Now that I have finished watching the show, I can make comments about it.  I agree with Phil.  This couple has a toxic relationship.  It is mandatory that they divorce, gracefully.  It is impossible for them to live together.  They need individual counseling for their own problems.  With time and effort, they may be able to continue a relationship with one another as co-parents.

    Getting together and living happily ever after isn't a reasonable option.