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Messages By: mjkkas

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anxious
July 24, 2005, 3:44 pm CDT

Getting used to the "Boards..."

I am not sure I like this new board, of course change isn't always easy. I don't know if anyone that used to be on here will come back, but I am starting therapy again, finally.

It has been almost 3 months and going through all the flashbacks, memories and feelings of all the abuse has really been hard for me.

My husband doesn't realize how hard it is because I am real good at hiding how depressed I really am. We just moved a couple of months ago and I am away from the  family. I lived in the old area for 21 years, so moving didn't help. but I have a better selection of therapists and such. Before I had  choice of two. At least I am feeling hopeful!

 
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July 25, 2005, 11:55 am CDT

It's the same for me

Quote From: catskat3

I feel like an oddball and perhaps I'm not. I guess I know that noone is REALLY alone when it comes to any subject or experience so here's mine to share. If you're a victim/survivor then maybe my voice lent to yours will help you know that you are not alone either. I have experienced sexual abuse from more men than I can count on one hand. From the time I was 7 with an uncle, to my other uncles, my grandfather, my neighbors and even my dad in later years. Its disgusting and sickening. The worst thing is that I have taken all the pain onto myself and because of it, as one psychologist told me, I'm overweight as a protection against such occurances happening again...and again. The more I think of it, the more I know she was right but still I can't stop myself and truly get a grip on my thoughts...enough to want to lose weight and look good. When I have lost weight and my husband (of 26 years) responds, I feel sick inside, feel panicky, and I stop dieting. I know I'm not alone. I'm sure others here have experienced more than one incident with more than one man. Although I hate men for this, I love my husband....am I just hopeless and crazy?

I went the other route, that of anorexia till about 34 years of age. Left that husband that demanded I be thin or no lovin, to a man who is 350 lbs. and totally obsessed with food. I have started with flashbacks and now I am over weight and don't' want to be touched by my husband, who I love, or anyone else.

I get that sick feeling inside of me, I try to tell myself it isn't my abusers and all that, but it doesn't help. I can't seem to shake the feelings of the abused child I was.

Are you still seeing that psychologist? I am starting with a new counselor in August, and hope to get past this hopeless feeling of the abuse never going away.

I am starting a diet today so I hope that I can be healthy, both physically and emotionally about it, it is tough. Trying to keep men from looking at me has been my success of being over weight.  Good luck to you!

 
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hopeful
July 25, 2005, 6:01 pm CDT

Finally...

I have finally gotten to where I am starting therapy, I am so glad and nervous.

We had a birthday party for my daughter that just turned 7 on Saturday, I was a nervous wreck. My husband saw me crying and told me to put on a happy face because we had family coming.

Needless to say that didn't go over very well,I assured him I would put on my happy face like I always do. I do it for him too, so he doesn't know how bad it gets for me. I just hope that this works out well and I don't have to spend alot of time searching for the "right" counselor.  They specialize in child sex abuse so I feel confident in that.

I am glad the boards are back and hope all of you have a great night!!

 
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anxious
July 26, 2005, 10:30 am CDT

To Nobody

I am not new on the boards but I feel like I am, the boards are so different now.

I know that I am  freak and don't get much posts, but that is ok. Sometimes I just want

to talk. I am used to being ignored, That is what I like.  I want to be free of all this crap and can't seem to get there.  Every time I feel like I have a hold of it some other flashback comes and send me in a whirl.

I feel different from all other people, being ignored just reinforces that for me, I hide in the shadows, waiting for the day I die, I know that no one would notice that either.

I read Lablefree's post and she is "there" so I feel that I shouldn't even be here because I can't be there yet. I do start counseling soon, so maybe they won't ignore me there. I will just stay away, I really don't think this board is supportive or helpful.

 
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July 26, 2005, 10:55 am CDT

How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me

My abuse started when I was in diapers, physical and sexual. My mom was a participant and the abuse didn't stop until I was 19. I got out of the house. I had so many abusers that I can't count them on both hands. Some family some boyfriends of my mom. The brainwashing that goes on with it is terrible.

 

I was a successful person and had a great life, then BAM, flashbacks of all the trauma and abuse I recieved sent me in a downward spiral.

 

Sorry labelfree that I am not where you are now, I was once and hope to be again soon I just feel that if people aren't where you are then you think to hell with them. It is real hard to make it through each day for some of us.

 

I am glad that you all are doing well But remember that not everyone is there just yet. This board is also to help people like me that aren't there yet, I thought.

 
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frustrated
July 26, 2005, 11:18 am CDT

Lidica

Quote From: lidica

I'm sorry you feel like you have been ignored on the boards. This is one thing I say to someone who says that how much have you been on trying to HELP someone here. A newbie always is greatful for the help! This board is not only a place to get help but also a place to help someone and this is where you get the MOST help. It is when helping someone you share an idea to help them this same idea can help YOU! It puts positive things in your head and keeps you thinking of something other than what you are dealing with. It is the greatest of all therapy. When you go into counseling you will only be dealing with what is going on with you but here you can deal with what is going on with someone else and it is amazing how much you will learn about yourself from them. Sometimes I have said something to someone and the lightbulb goes off in my head that these are the words I need to listen to for myself! I wish you well with your counseling. Don't give up on the board. Don't think any of us have reached where we want to be. We are still growing and learning! Many hugs and prayers!

I have been on the boards for several months now and I have replied to people and tried to take my own advice on occasion. I just feel alone and being here makes me feel more alone. People don't care what I have to say or how I feel because I don't care about me!   When I reach out to people they think I am a freak!

It hasn't been just here it has been that way my whole life, I am a freak so I just better accept that. I know that there is no one on this board or anywhere else that will change that, just me.  It is just easier to blame others so I did. SORRY!

 
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July 26, 2005, 4:33 pm CDT

Buzzard

Quote From: hisjewel

we should make a buzzard them song about how we attacked the buzzard!!
I think that we should have open season on the buzzard. You know a special hunt!
 
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July 26, 2005, 7:48 pm CDT

Cathy

Quote From: 101160

yes i mean leave home can't stand this anymore.goofy horse

What is up with you, you seem out of sorts, I hope that you cheer up, remember the joke I told you on the other boards about men and mad cows disease?

Thinking of you and hope you have a good night!!

 
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July 26, 2005, 7:52 pm CDT

Joke

Quote From: 101160

don't remember joke!!!thanks .cathygoofy horse

Why don't men get mad cows disease?   They are pigs!  Just a little humor to help brighten your night. I don't want to offend anybody.

Is this the daughter that you have told me about that tried to commit suicide?  I hope things are ok!

 
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July 27, 2005, 8:27 am CDT

Chipizubov

Quote From: chipizubov

It is a very scary time in your life when you are having a baby and don't diminish that fear it is real you just have to keep things in perspective and pray for the best and take care of yourself the best way you know. I had a very traumatic pregnancy last year and we (baby and I) nearly died. It is hard for partners and family to know what to say and how to cope with things like that. I was in and out of hospital during the pregnacy and each time I was scared stiff I was going to loose the baby and my husband kept say don't worry you will be fine. That drove me crazy as I thought didn't he realise how serious this was but it was his way of coping. He really struggled with seeing me so scared and emotionally up and down that all he could do was say it will be ok. I am glad your husband is being supportive as it is really hard for another person to know how you feel and what to say. Good luck with it all.Chipizubov

That is really something that you and your baby almost died. My husband lost his wife in childbirth 7 years ago (July 20). I am helping to raise the daughter she had. When we had one together it really freaked him out when the baby went into distress and they had to do a c-section on me. That is how she died, scar tissue had formed to her liver and when they went to clean her out it ripped her liver and they couldn't reapir it. She died in his arms.

 

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