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Messages By: mjkkas

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August 8, 2005, 7:39 am PDT

srndpty333

Quote From: srndpty333

Thank you so much for your reply and encouragement.  It really helped me yesterday.  I have been sitting in this apartment feeling like my feet are in cement for too long...after I read your post I went for a nice long walk.  It was the words..."You were an innocent child yourself!  They were sick not you" that did it I think.  Amazing how powerful and insideous shame can be.  But I wonder if someday someone will be saying those words to my children about me, because of the way  

my ability to parent was effected by CSA.  I did not do it very well.  I sometimes feel like screaming, "Wait, I want another chance!!!  I so wanted to be a good mother.  And now it's too late.   

  

Some people believe that when a child is abused sexually, there are physiological changes that take place...permanent ones, hormonally and chemically.  

  

 In addition to depression and anxiety and all that comes with it...I suffer from sever PMDD which has also been linked to childhood sexual abuse...how can reading a book help me with that?  I know it will validate me and make me feel better emotionally, temporarilly, but what about mentally and physically?  I feel like damaged goods...and I'm angry and I ask why when I'm at my lowest.  

  

I am going to go to the library to get the book and read it, though.  I have nothing to lose. 

    I have had the same question. Years ago I even asked a therapist if it would ever go away. She told me that it would never go away, but it wouldn't have as much of an effect on me after a lot of work and counseling. 

  

    I try to look at it as if I were in an accident caused by someone else, I become paralyzed because of their carelessness. I can no longer walk like most everyone else, but I could learn to get around by other means (Just an example, I am not paralyzed). 

  

    It is unfortunate that we have this as part of our life, but we still have to try and live life. Find new ways to get around through life. I struggle myself a lot of days with this, but have to remember that I have to try and find the way to go on as others do. 

  

    I am sorry if this is not coming out right, I am trying to help myself too.  Good for you in reading the book. I hope it helps. 

  

MJKKAS 

 
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August 8, 2005, 9:25 am PDT

Oreo

I think you are very wise for your age.  

Don't feel guilty or responsible for what is going on 

Your dad loves you I am sure and doesn't want to 

know of the bad stuff that is going on right now. 

I was hoping that you would tell your dad everything 

but letting him know and having your younger 

brother validate that is an important step. 

  

We all here wish you happiness and peace. 

  

MJKKAS 

 
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August 8, 2005, 12:00 pm PDT

I have a question

    Last week my stepson got arrested (again), he is 19 and can't seem to stay out of trouble.  

He uses everyone and is quite a charmer. Everyone loves this boy (me included), but he only uses people, takes their money and lies constantly. 

    He has 3 felonies and a bunch of other charges against him. He may go to prison, he has been in trouble since he was 11. Always in DT and kicked out of school for various reasons. He has been able to talk himself out of most everything, like drug charges, drinking, shoplifting, assault, lewdness, the list goes on. 

    We had him arrested when he was in 11 grade because of drugs and violence, running away and such. They made us put him in the hospital for 3 weeks. He got put on meds for bipolar and he did so good, took all state in football got a championship ring and everything. 

    Now we are back where we started. Anyway my question is, how do I respond to him when he calls us from jail? I mean I want to yell and scream at him and tell him how stupid he is, but my husband does that enough. I know he has to want to help himself I just want to know how do I respond to this to him?  

    We were real close and now he tells everyone that he doesn't have a mom or dad. His grandpa wants the judge to throw the book at him and send him away because he has ruined his name. I am just real frustrated and bewildered. 

  

MJKKAS 

 
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August 8, 2005, 12:35 pm PDT

Thank you Lidica

Quote From: lidica

I'm sorry you are going through such a bad time with your son. If you want to help him Sweetie don't take his phone calls from jail. He was grown enough to get himself in there now let him be grown enough to get himself out. Mjjkas hardest job you will ever do. If you want to HELP him is pray and pray. Tell him how much you love him and are praying for him and when he is ready for help to go into rehab and he has to do the work not you how much you will support his decision how you will have open arms to him when he gets out but not until. To enable him will keep him going right down that path. A little jail time may be his biggest turn around to a better life for himself. Much love I know this is hard. Many hugs and prayers! 

Enabling is true I don't want to do that. That is what he wants and many family members have done that to him because they didn't understand what we were going through with him. They haven't helped him by giving him money and letting him live with them and such. 

   

  

Thanks again 

  

MJKKAS 

 
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August 8, 2005, 1:36 pm PDT

Thanks Debbie

Quote From: psychwife2

I really feel your pain...believe me...this is not just a phrase.  I am going through this with my brother and my mother and I can only tell you that if you don't get the upper hand in this situation, you will end up with him living off of you when he is 52....no life, no family, no job...and certainly not trying to do anything about it.

I know you want to make up for your husband's anger by being the "nice parent" but  just remember that you will not be doing  your stepson a bit of good.  He is 19 years old...an adult as far as the judicial system is concerned and he got caught once again because of something HE chose to do.  Your statement "he only uses people, takes their money and lies constantly" says it all.  Unless you and the family take the necessary steps to nip this in the bud, you will continue to allow him to do this.  There are consequences for our actions and he needs to face those consequences.  And I know that you feel bad because of his bi-polar condition, but you can't allow him to use that to get out of poor behavior.  I suggest using what I am attempting to do with my brother, something I suggested to another poster just a few minutes ago.  It is difficult and some people may think you are being mean and harsh to your stepson, but believe me, unless he learns that he has to pay the price for his actions, the will never get anywhere in life.  It's called "Detaching with Love"...basically telling the person that you love them, you care what happens to them, but you will no longer enable them to behave the way they are...you will no longer enable the drug use by giving money...you will no longer take care of his legal problems,  you will not longer make excuses for him, and you will no longer allow him to take advantage of the people who love him.  Let him know that when he is ready to seek help and actually RECEIVE that help, you will be there.  Until then, you wish them the best.  I know it sounds harsh, but he has continued on this way because he has been allowed to do so.  And I warn you...unless you do something now, you will continue to fight this battle for many more years to come...My mother is 75 years old...she nursed my father for 14 months until he succumbed to his cancer and this should be HER time...her time to visit with her daughters and her grandchildren...to enjoy things that she enjoys doing...but instead she has chosen to devote the remainder of her life allowing herself to be taken advantage of.  She isn't happy...she knows she shouldn't be doing this, but she can't help it.  I just don't want you to look back one day and wish that you had done otherwise.

Please don't think I am preaching...I am speaking from my heart and from my personal experience.  My mother has allowed my brother to be the center of her life and in doing so, she is jeopardizing her time with myself and with my sister.  My sister and I resent this a great deal and we don't think it is fair...please don't let your stepson get in the way of your relationships with other members of your family...they need you as well.

Take care and please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

Debbie

I agree with you and it is really hard, all the love in the world isn't;t going to help him if it enables him. I really appreciate this because I felt that it should be that way but didn't want to be wrong either. 

  

My husband is heart broken because of this and I can't fix that, we just have to get through it together. I am not allowed to say this stuff to my husband because he thinks I am picking on his son, I am just a bit more objective than he is with his son. 

  

I have a 7 and 3 year old and have to focus on them and my well being, depression is hard enough without stuff going on too LOL! 

  

Thanks  

  

MJKKAS 

 
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August 8, 2005, 1:42 pm PDT

Cathy

Quote From: 101160

hi sweetie,i remeber your husband having this temper you mentioned before same as you going for theraphy.your son is obiviuosly is in need of help not hate.If your husband chooses to scream at him you be the bigger person and comfort him don't however make excuses for your hubby.He simply is not there for his son,plain and simple.He obviously has a good person inn there if your son was diagnosed with bipolar he isn't getting the right treatment for that.He needs to get a second evaluation and matbe check out info on bipoplar over on that board .someone should be able to answer some questions,take care .cathyspongebob 

Thank you for responding. 

  

My stepson is not taking his meds. They were working great for him and he had his life on track.  

I told him that being grown up is taking care of yourself and doing what you need to be the best you can. Even if meds were to be taken for years to come. Being grown up is not being able to do what ever the h*** you want. He has to be responsible for what he has done. 

  

Yeah my husband gets real mean and cranky with him and that doesn't help. It is hard to be in the middle. 

  

  

MJKKAS 

 
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August 8, 2005, 3:53 pm PDT

Beach

Quote From: beachsmile

I hope things get better for you and your son and husband. Hugs and Prayers, beachsmiles
Thank you for the prayers.
 
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August 8, 2005, 7:39 pm PDT

Sorry

Quote From: oreo84

 I'm confused.

But I saw your post before it was taken off, I guess your last comment about someone  

was enough to get the monitors to take it off.  They took mine off too, so... 

  

MJKKAS 

 
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August 9, 2005, 6:43 am PDT

Oreo84

Quote From: oreo84

 OMG!!! I must have went over the minutes they allow for posting comments and my post got erased. :( ok, so.... 

 

Mjkkas, I meant I was confused about what you were saying about telling my dad. I told him some things about my mom and stepdad and I talked to him about how I felt about living with him and all. My little brother also talked to him about the same stuff but neither one of us told him the whole truth. But he told me that he wants us to come live with him and that he doesn't trust my step dad and he thinks I'm lying to him about stuff. And he said that he knows there's something going on at home that I'm afraid to tell him about. He told me that he loves me and that I could tell him anything and no matter what he'd still love me, no one in my life has ever said that to me.... all I did was cry...There he was saying the words that I longed to hear, and yet, I couldn't bring myself to tell him the whole truth.... all I did was cry. I did tell him that I was scared of my step dad but I didn't say why and I told him that I didn't think mom liked me.... so yeah... He says that he's going to talk to her again and this time he's not going to ask her about us coming to live with him but he's going to tell her and my stepdad that we are going to live with him. I don't think it will go well though. So, yeah we are going to be living with him but I don't think it will be like now or anything. But yeah, we talked about alot of stuff. But I'm going to still send him the letter. I'm gonna try to finish it by tomorrow and send it to him. Call me a coward but I can't tell him to his face all that has happened, I just can't do it....... I'm sorry if I'm rambling. 

 

Oh yeah, I'm sorry if I offended anybody in my other comment that got erased.... I was just curious and a little confused.... but I guess some things are just off limits.... so yeah... L8ter. 

 

Oreo 

    Don't think for one minute that we think you are a coward.  

No way, not even You are so brave.  

  

I am very proud of you telling your dad what you did, so please  

don't think otherwise.  

  

I hope that your mom will let you stay with your dad. Hearing what 

you have wanted to hear after all this time has got to put some 

hope into your heart. I am glad that it turned out like it did for you. 

  

You are very Brave> 

  

MJKKAS 

  

 
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August 9, 2005, 7:14 am PDT

Lablefree

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I really didnt know your story...I am very proud of you....Keep up the good work you are doing...Please do not be confused.  When I first met you You told me how they "labled" you with eating disorders of some sorts...I am journaling at Oprahs site until Dr. Phil's comes back up and I am discovering about myself  Number one I AM A SUGAR JUNKIE!  ( does this make me have an eating disorder?)  And I found out something else about me which I dont want to talk about here something else which I was robbed...along with the abuse...but please I dont want to get into it right now....Thanxs  Bye for now...Have a good day...Im kind of sad today..

I understand that you don't want to share what you were robbed of, 

new discoveries about our abuse can be hard to deal with. I hope that you can find a place to get this out of your system.  

  

We care about you too.  

  

MJKKAS 

  

 

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