Messages By: mussymel

Hey there Oreo, how are things? I finally found the board (with Momisme's help - thanks!). How have things been lately? Good to see you still on the boards. Let us know how you are doing.

This new format is really difficult. I've been away from the board for a few days so was trying to catch up and reading from the start is a pain coz the messages are backwards so you have to scroll to the end and then hit to go to the last page and then scroll again!! I know you'd think we all had enough stuff to complain about in our lives!! LOL. I do like that the way the messages are laid out though so that you see the order of things.

 

Anyway (hope that's a paragraph momisme :). I kind of lied just there when I said I was away from the board, I actually logged on a couple of times and started to read but couldn't continue. Sometimes it is too hard. Lablefree I think what you are talking about is the difference between sympathy and empathy. I think we will always empathise with others that go through this s***. This is probably a good thing but sometimes it is really difficult. We all have to learn to protect ourselves from that and know our cut off point. Like I said I couldn't read the board for the last few days coz I've been very depressed lately and sometimes it is just to hard to see other people's pain.

 

Oreo what your mum has done is definitely abuse there is no doubt about that. You might not categorise it as that because of the sexual abuse but she is abusing you physically, mentally and emotionally. She is also controlling you and as Momisme said we lose control to our abusers and that is the hardest thing to regain. This is why people who have been abused can have eating disorders, or self harm and also why we often end up in another bad situation because we just want the control back. I am glad that you met someone you like. You are old enough to date and you've been through enough to make you older then you are. However I would like to say please be careful. Keep your control in the relationship. You are very messed up now and sometimes we turn to someone else that we think will fill a void but it doesn't. Just make sure that everything you do you WANT to do. It has to make you happy. I know that I ended up having sex with my first real boyfriend because I wanted to feel 'normal'. It made me feel worse coz I had done it for the wrong reasons and it was another way that the abuse had effected my life. I also continually looked for someone to love me and if any guy showed me some affection I thought it was love. I was lucky in that this didn't lead me into a bad situation but it very easily could have. Take your time. Work out what you want, be honest with yourself and with him. Remember we are always here to listen. And don't be embarassed about what you said about your mom, she is in the wrong she is your mother and should protect you NOT abuse you. Take care.

Well done on starting to reach out to your dad. I go along with what Momisme says, I am really really proud of you. These steps are never easy to take but you are a very very brave young woman and we all want to see you out of the situation you are in.

 

I also wanted to say that I'm sorry for saying that you are messed up. I didn't really mean it that way, what I meant is that at the moment you have a lot of bad stuff going on and sometimes when you are in a situation like that you can make something look better than it is, if that makes any sense. So I'm really sorry if I hurt your feelings by saying that. I actually think you sound quite grounded for someone your age and what you have said since about Ryan seems like you know what you are doing. You and your brothers deserve a chance to be happy. Ufortunatly your mother isn't helping you but hopefully your dad will. Even aside from everything else you should get the chance to know your dad.

 

Again well done. I think you are really strong and you will make it.

Momisme thanks for the welcome back. The problem is I live in Ireland (am I the only non States person on here?) and with the time difference I have to catchup on loads when I get on :)!! I don't think I've had the 20 minute problem but now ye have got me paranoid about it so I'm trying to do this really fast. Luckily I am a computer programmer so I can type fairly quickly (can't spell to save my life though so sorry for the typos!)

 

MJ (what does your name mean?) I'm really sorry about your mother, she sounds awful. I don't think there is anything wrong with you not wanting to be at her funeral unless it hyrts you ultimately. My mother is one of the most self obsesed people you could meet. She didn't do the awful things your mother did but she abused us in so many other ways and she set up and environment that led to my brother abusing me. I hate her more than anything but I still want a mother and that is really hard to let go of. Maybe when I have kids of my own it will be easier.

My Dad died recently and before he died I thought I was going to cut off contact with her after it was all over. But I haven't. I still ring her becuase I feel sorry for her. She is all alone and I know that is her fault but I wouldn't want to see anyone in that position. The thing is I was talking to her yesterday and she wants to come visit me and there is no way I can let her. Apart from the way she makes me feel she is horrible tomy husband and it is his house too. The thing is that I can't get up the courage to tell her she's not welcome. I don't want the fight but I also don't want to hurt her. So now I'm stressing again! Which right now I don't need. Here I am telling Oreo to be brave and I can't face my own problems.

 

The relationship with your mother is sooooooo important and I think it is a real problem for people when that is not how it should be. I've been trying for more than 3 years to have a baby. They can't find a physical problem and my therapist thinks its because I don't feel worthy enough to be a mother. He could be right. I still don't like the person I am so how could I be a good mother. She has effected every facet of my life and I still can't cut her out.

 

When she dies I am going to the funeral to dance at her grave!

Thanks I've changed my profile and it is much easier.

Oreo we ALL make mistakes. Even the more 'sane' people in the world make huge ones. I've made loads so far and I'm sure I have many more in my future. Yes our experiences mean that we make judgements about things that others might not. For example I was away with 3 girlfriends a few years ago and they wanted to go to a party with this stag party we met. It was in Spain, there were 14 of them, none of them spoke english and none of us spoke spanish. They were taking us to a part of the town we didn't know and I refused to go. To a point where one of the other girls said that becuase I was married I was ruining the night for the rest of them. Needless to say the rest of the holiday didn't go too well. The thing is my unfortunate experience in life meant that I wasn't as niave as them and I wasn't willing to put myself in a dodgy situation. They didn't have the same perspective as me so didn't see anything wrong. In that instance I am really glad I had that outlook coz it was a stupid thing to do.

 

Sorry I'm getting sidetracked. Anyway don't worry too much about making mistakes. It is all part of life that's how we learn. As toddlers we feel our way around and if we touch off something we don't like we don't go back there. That is learning from experience and all mistakes are part of that. The best thing you can do is learn to trust yourself and your judgement. Sometimes it can be hard to follow through with that and you can get led by other influences. Just like I know in my gut that the best thing I can do for me and my husband right now is stop having any relationship with my mother but that isn't the easiest thing to do, so I'm just trying to keep out of harms way as much as possible. Don't think that because we are older we have all the answers. I certainly don't, I'm just learning as I'm going. Like I said before you are in a difficult situation at the moment, most of us I think are dealing with a past that we have to try to come to terms with but you are dealing with a present danger and also the normal parts of growing up. Being a teenager isn't easy without the stuff you are dealing with so just take each day as it comes and listen to your gut.

MJKKAS I think that is a lovely way to pick your name. Mussy was the nickname my dad had for me and has good feelings attached to it. Believe it or not that was already taken so Mel is from my actual name. It kind of sound like messymel as well which is how I feel alot of the time and definitely how my house looks most of the time :)!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for the advice but setting limits with my mother is like trying to reason with a dictator! The thing is she never believes she does anything wrong and is very very difficult to argue with. She always wins because she has conditioned the responses I give so she knows what buttons to push etc. She is a very controlling and manipulative person. The thing is she isn't welcome in my home. I finally have security and safety and I'm not letting her in here. I just don't want to have to tell her that! BIG COWARD. I have forgiven my brother for what he did but I will never be able to forgive her and I am tired of the effect she has on my life. I would really really like to get the courage to cut her out of my life completely but life is never simple is it. Someday soon it is all going to come out and then maybe the choice will be made for me.

 

 

 

 

 

Anyway tomorrow is another day and we've had a long weekend here so I'm back to work in the morning so I'd better go get some sleep (it's after 1am here). Catch up with you all tomorrow.

 

 

Hi and welcome. You are not alone. Everyone here is a friend and although we have not had the experience your sibs have we have all gone through similar. Talk to us. Look after you, don't think about the rest of them. They will come to face it eventually and hopefully by then you will be well on the road to recovery. I haven't read Dr Phil's book that Labelfree is talking about but I have been in therapy for a number of years and it is definitely working. Don't give up on it and don't give you on yourself. You will probably find that for alot of the questions you have, the answers will come out in therapy. At least that is what I felt. Does anyone else think that?

Talk is good, it heals, let it all out into the open and feck the people who think you are wrong to do that. This happened to you and you have the right to talk about it.

Well you guys have been busy today! Loads of new posts. This is kind of adictive isn't it?!! Ok:

Labelfree I am 31(32 next month) but I definitely don't think 40 is old (he he)! I'm glad you think it is the new 20s coz I can't even party now like my twenties so if it gets better again I'm looking forward to it ;). Its funny the more I am on this site the more American I'm sounding! We would never say party in that context!!

 

MJ I don't know how you didn't slug (another americanism!) your 'mother' when she turned up like that. That woman does not deserve you or your children in her life. I know I am stuggling to make a decision about my mother but if what she did was that blantantly wrong I wouldn't hesitate to tell her where to go. Well done for not killing her. Momisme I think you are very brave to have your parents come stay under those circumstances. But it sounds like you are definitely strong enough to tell them to take a hike if the need arises. I asked my hubby yesterday if we could move to Australia and he asked why so I said coz it is the furthest place I could think of from my mother!

 

Momisme you have mentioned this Mikas(?) story before. Unfortunately DrP is on in the daytime here so I only got to watch it when I was off sick from work. Also we are way behind the States so the shows don't go with what is on the board. I find it hard to believe that he would go easy on a guy who is an admited child abuser? But I also agree that far too much is in the offender's favour and not the victim's. Have any of you taken legal action against your abusers?

 

While I'm on the subject of us being so far behind the States what was the outcome of those 2 kids that were taken by their father and then not found? I saw the interview with the mom and the dad's friend and then the followup where it showed that the friend was lying. Did they find the kids?

 

 

In case any of you think I was making fun of America in my last post I definitely wasn't. I love love LOVE America and would move there in a heartbeat given the chance. I spent 4 months in Texas when I was in University, eloped to Chicago to get married and have spent loads of holidays in the States. Good really good memories. So the americanisms I'm coming out with were just buried.

Just wanted to make sure I didn't ruffle any feathers :)