Messages By: mussymel

Just popping in to say hi and bye. We are off to England tomorrow for the funeral so I'll be gone until Sunday. I'll probably be a complete mess by then but if I have managed to be there for my sister and not murder my mother it will be ok. Hopefully this will be the last time I have to see my mother for a very long time. Talk to ye on Sunday.
Mel
 

 Well I'm back and in one piece. It all went ok, as well as could be expected. My sis is being really strong. She was a mess the day of the funeral but that is to be expected. Her sis in law is fabulous as well and she has been great at dealing with it. I had a great talk to her yesterday and she was very matter of fact about it all. She got upset when she admitted that she was angry with her brother for leaving her to deal with their mother alone but she is glad that he is at peace. I was really worried that my sis wouldn't make it back from this but after the last few days I think she will. Of course it will take time but she will get there eventually. I still can't believe he is dead, I kept expecting him to walk through the door. At my dad's funeral I hated seeing him in the coffin but I realise now that is makes it more real to you. The coffin was closed for this so I never saw my bil so it felt like I was looking at an empty coffin. My sis got to go see him, well they had him covered over and just his hand out but at least she was able to talk to him. That helped.
Anyway it was a hard few days and selfishly I'm glad to be back home and away from it. My other sis has been having a very hard time dealing with my mother for this. The mother goes home this evening so no doubt I will have a long phone call tonight!

Just thought I'd pop on to say hi. MJ I'm really sorry I haven't been able to be there for you over the last while. I am in a bad place at the moment so I've stayed quite because I don't want to upset you more.  

Glenn don't blame yourself for your brother's suicide. He did it, you didn't make him, he had choices and he chose to end his life. You are only responsible for the choices you have made and the actions you have taken.  

Momisme can we get together so that you can play Phantom of the Opera and I can sing it?!! :) I love that musical. I love the Carpenters too. I sing mostly but I used to teach the guitar. I haven't played it in nearly 10 years though. You should keep at it, it is not a difficult instrument to learn. I played the piano as a kid too but hated the formality of it.  

Hope ye all have a good day. 

I read MJ and Bz's post which make me cry and then Momisme puts in a sad joke!!:) No really I loved it! MJ don't feel sorry for bringing your problems here that is what the board is for. What I meant is that we were emailing and everything and then I just went silent and I didn't know what to say because at the moment it feels like everything I have to say is negative and you don't need that right now. That's why I couldn't be there for you and I felt bad because you were there for me. I know you are going through a really bad time at the moment and I wish I could help you but others like Bz and Mom are doing a much better job :). Hang in there girl. 

Boy are you right. I have retreated. I do that, I sort of hibernate when I get badly depressed. But you are right my mind just works overtime thinking about everything. My sleep patterns go out the window and I can't face life. I was doing so well and now BOOM I'm back down again. I think I did ok last week and I helped my sis through it but then when I didn't have to be responsible for someone else I fell apart. I am really depressed (and that's even though I'm on anti depressants) and I didn't make it to work on Monday or Tuesday. Today I pulled out of the musical I had been doing because I couldn't face rehearsals. And you know what the main issue is? My mother. I want her out of my life. I don't want anything else to do with her. But I don't know how to go about it and I am also really upset at the realisation that I don't have a mother or a father. My dad will be dead 3 months on friday and that is getting to me. My brother in law's death is getting to me because he was a lovely person who just suffered from a terrible illness. I have known him for 20 years that's more than half my life and people kind of go ah well it was just your bil! I have so much going for me but I feel so terrible at the moment. I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. I'm sorry if this brings others down.

I agree with Momisme. Your therapist shouldn't be talking more than you I think. In fact sometimes I want to shout SAY SOMETHING at mine but I know it is a method to get you to talk about what you're feeling. Also no therapist should make personal judgements on people. The other thing I think is that it is such a personal thing that personality is very very important. Just like in day to day life we don't click with every person we meet, its the same with this. I think you have to find someone who you like or at least kind of click with if you know what I mean. That makes it easier to talk to them about this stuff. The main thing that my therapist has done for me is to tell me that the things I'm feeling are normal for CSA victims. Sometimes it feels like you are going crazy and it is such a relief to be told that the reaction you are having is normal. Like the out of body experience. MJ your therapist should have been able to tell you what Momisme told you, that this is a normal occurance for CSA victims. From everything you have said I think you might be better looking for a new one. Or else just tell her how you are feeling about the sessions, maybe she mistakenly thinks you are not ready to discuss this stuff?

Bz & Mom I'm so sorry that those creeps did that. The thing is I think (correct me anyone if ye think I'm wrong) that other people would just think what a creep whereas we end up beating ourselves up about these things?! I think it is the lack of control and that we always tell ourselves that no one will hurt us again. We are also much more aware of the hidden dangers in the world but that doesn't stop us getting into sticky situations. Why? Because we don't want to be rude (what is THAT all about) or we don't want to rock the boat, or the one I've found alot with myself I don't want to be different because of the CSA. I've gone into situations against my better judgement because I think I'm just overreacting! It is crap that we can't trust people. It is crap that there are those out there who take advantage of every situation and no one knows this better than us. 

As for freezing, you tell yourself you won't but it is a natural reaction to shock. I got mugged by 2 girls when I was in college, at the time I was very good at karate and should have been able to defend myself but I just completely froze. I also felt like I was watching it happen to someone else. I felt worse afterwards that I hadn't done anything to stop it rather than feeling angry at the girls who did it. CSA has trained us in very strange ways. 

Just popped in to say hi and bye. I'm off on my hols for 3 weeks from wednesday. I'm coming over to the States. We're going to Disney in California, San Diego and then Hawaii!! I'm sooooooooo looking forward to it. So now that I've made you all jealous I'd better go get some sleep. I'll try to check in tomorrow from work but otherwise I'll talk to ye when I get back. Take care of yourselves.
Oh and welcome to the new people.
Mel