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Messages By: lucky35

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August 27, 2005, 6:15 am CDT

Is money really not everything?

Hi, me and my husband are recently married 1 1/2 year and our marriage has already been tested. I just want to know if what we are going through is normal for married couples?  We love each other deeply, but our finances are not that great.  I just left/lost a $43000.00/year job and my husband starts at Starbuck's on Monday as a barista.  Neither me or my husband have held a job longer than a year, but we are both educated.  I am highly educated. I get so mad and frusterated because I got married not only because I loved my husband, but because I wanted help financially.  Since the marriage it has been probably a 60/40 or even 70/30 split on expenses with me carrying the greater load.  How can I not let financial worries affect our marriage? I am 7 years older than my husband and I know it will be a long time before he gets his act together, but being the impatient person that I am, the wait is killing me!  HELP!
 
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August 28, 2005, 11:31 am CDT

I married for love not money

Quote From: jenoc99

I think I know what Dr. Phil would say, he'd tell you that money problems are what break up most marriages these days, and that to make things work, you BOTH have to be on the same page where  your finances are concerned, or it just won't work. 

You've got to ask yourself some tough questions, such as, what are the facts/reasons why neither of you can hold a job for more then a year? Why did you marry a man who isn't finacially stable? Both of these answers might be the same, is it low self esteem? Perhaps you have a low level depression that leads you to losing jobs due to missing work or poor performance, or low self esteem that lead you to settling for a man you love but who isn't financially stable. You DO deserve to have a sense of security within your marriage, and that has nothing to do with age! Many, many people hold full time jobs from the time they are old enough to work. Your difference in age doesn't have anything to do with him not holding a job. He doesn't keep a job because he doesn't have to, he probably knows that you will tolerate him being not employed as long as he keeps promising to "try".... I suggest that you read Dr. Phil's book "self matters"... I know that it really helped me alot when I was depressed, and I still have it right here on my nightstand to review from time to time. Best wishes. 

I understand what you're saying, but I was 35 years old before I ever married and I wasn't getting any younger and when I met my husband I knew he wasn't financially stable, but nowadays most people are struggling.  What I did like about him was the fact that I could talk to him easily.  There are so many couples out there that barely say two words to each other all week.  Me and my husband talk and laugh constantly.  It was important to me to have someone I could communicate to easily if I was going to be living with them. I like the fact that being older than him allowed me the freedom to pursue my dreams without any spousal competition. I totally butt heads with men my age and expecially if they are as educated as I am. For some people I know that is not a problem, but for me it is and it seems to affect the men moreso than myself regarding my education.  So basically it is not really a problem that I have, but it is a problem that I have encountered that they have, though. We live in a very bad state for employment and opportunity.  I believe the absolute worst in the country and where you live in this country does play a factor in the employment and job opportunities that you have and we are looking to move from here soon.  My husband starts a new job tomorrow and I hope it works out, but how can I down him if my job track record isn't good either?  I have good self-esteem.  I am attractive, smart and funny.  We are just very liberal people and having to deal with company politics is really not my forte'. I mean where we live depending on what church you go to can depend on whether or not you keep your job or not. Seriously! My husband is very faithful to me.  I know he is and to me that is worth it's weight in gold.  He doesn't hunt or fish or go to football games or golf or any other excuse that some married men give to get out of the house only to wind-up in a strip club or cheating on their wives. I know I deserve the best but even the so-called "best" situation isn't always what it seems. I knew what I was getting into when I got married and I basically would rather make my marriage work out than to be a divorced woman looking to get remarried pushing 40 years of age.
 
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September 14, 2005, 9:11 am CDT

What to do?

Hi, my problem is two-fold.  I think people think that I am hard-of-hearing and I am paranoid about it to the point that I constantly think about it.  Although I have never been diagnosed with this problem, I was in a rock band for years and have attended many "loud" concerts and I feel like anyone who has been in this type of environment surely must of suffered some sort of damage.  People repeat themselves to me often as if I didn't hear them, when I actually did. I don't know what to do because I feel this paranoia is holding me back in my career. The second part to this posting is that I have little work experience due to years of college work and stripping. I feel like my lack of job experience only makes employers and co-workers more suspicious of me and thinking even more that I have a disability.  I know deep-down that I hear fine, but how can I make this paranoia go away! Of course without any medications, too! I definitely do not want to use any medication, but why do I have such a fear of success or fear of being found out problem?!!!  Thanks so much!!
 
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surprised
September 14, 2005, 1:03 pm CDT

Thank you!

Quote From: renagade

I have heard enough Psyc Profs says that if you think you are something - then your not!! - It's when you deny that anything is wrong with you - then maybe something might be.  The other problem is don't psyco-psamatic yourself, in other words, don't read a definition or think you might have it, because your psycie will tell you you do have it. 

  

You are right about the rock bank concerts, I myself have been to enough of them and my hearing has suffered over the years.  Ok you were a stripper.  True some people look upon this as horrible, but I have seen enough documintaries on people that strip - and it's divided into those that feel they have no other choice, and those that feel totally comfortable with themselves.  Now what you have to do is Quit worrying and start using your brain. 

  

I know that you have intelligence and are good to excellent at something.  Get in contact with yourself and take stock of yourself. 

  

                                                                            Rog 

Thank you so much for your input, I really appreciate it.  You made me feel so much better.
 
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September 27, 2005, 8:42 am CDT

My husband is driving me crazy!

Hi, my husband started a new job 3 1/2 weeks ago at a "well-known" coffee company.  He had two friends working their prior to getting the job.  He now complains that his former friends are treating him badly at work, knit-picking every little thing he does.  He did not receive the proper training he was supposed to get and I do admit, he has been "thrown to the wolves" in a sink or swim atmosphere---(which a lot of companies are doing nowadays).  He did work 12 days straight without a day off and they have called him into work on most of his other days off.  He's telling me he hates it and wants to find something else.  I'm telling him he or "we" have bills to pay and he needs to work!  I don't know what to do!  Everytime he gets a job he starts out real excited about it, then he fizzles really quickly.  He wants all these things in life, but he doesn't want to do the necessary steps or work to achieve them.  I'm so mad at him right now and worried that once again he is fixing to quit or get fired and I'll be stuck having to pay the bills by myself and supply his cigarette habit (which I've told him I am not going to do again!). I don't know what to do.  I do admit he has been done kindof shitty, but he needs to work!  He is a new employee and I'm hoping that if he would just hang in there for ANY amount of time, things would get better.  To make matters worse, I applied at the same coffee company yesterday at a local Job Fair and they snubbed me like yesterday's leftover meatloaf!  That has pissed him off, too.  The company does allow family members to work together, just not on the same shift and there are lots of couples and father/son employees already there.  I don't know why they snubbed me like they did, but that has made the situation even worse, because that mad him mad or...it's just another excuse to quit or get fired!  HELP!!  I love my husband very much, but how can I not let this effect our relationship and how can I make him start caring more about our bills and financial responsibilities!!
 
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September 29, 2005, 6:00 am CDT

I know what to do!

Quote From: ladieejay

Nurses in my area are all "at-will" employees & can be fired for anything or nothing. I'm in my early 50's and got a new manager in her early 40's less than a year ago. I have been in my unit since it was opened 3-4 yrs ago.  When she wanted to appoint a shift coordinator she chose a 26 yr old with 3 years experience that was working only per diem at the time. Although she denies it, she gets furious when she or her protege are questioned.  She has picked one other 24 year old nurse to be a part of her clique. Although she hardly speaks to three other nurses in our unit she is making my life unbearable. She makes a point of trying to belittle me or make me feel stupid in front of my coworkers.  Behind closed doors she admitted she wouldn't give me the coordinator position because she couldn't work with me. Instead of going by seniority, she decreases our hours according to our work load based on the needs/wants of her two protege. When I returned to work today I find she didn't give me two days of my vacation because the three of them are going to a company paid seminar.  I don't know what to do. I'm at my wit's end. 

I just went through this same sh*t! I was hired as a coordinator for a health care company making $45,000.00  Within 10 weeks, I was forced to resign.  It's a long story, but I was treated really bad by three of these women at the center.  I was made fun of and a lot of sh*t was stirred-up about me by another coworker and I got blamed for it.  To make matters worse, they sent me all over this region to get trained ( I had to be certified in 5 areas) and I would show-up at my destination and people at that center were rude to me and telling me "they didn't have time to train me".   I have never in my life been treated so mean and rudely. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but what I did was figured that I had absolutely nothing to lose.  If you are prepared to find another place to work (which being a nurse I don't think that would be difficult).  I would contact the head of Human Resources and cause as much trouble for this woman as possible. I would call her boss and tell him/her exactly what she's been doing and then call his/her boss and go all the way up to the Board of Directors if you have to and  I would call their Business Practices Line and complain, too.  You may even want to contact a lawyer for age discrimination (anyone over 40 is at risk, although that's a bit drastic).  My point is, if you're out the door (which you probably are), I'd bring as many people down with me.  Don't leave quietly! This may not get them fired (but then again it might), but it would at least put some misery in their life as they have done to you.  I hope this helps.
 
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October 3, 2005, 12:54 pm CDT

Well that is the upside...!

Quote From: seafalcon

Hi - I recently resigned for a governmental job after 16 + years do to being bullied in the workplace. It was a nightmare. My union rep kept telling me that I would be squeezed out and to seek employment elsewhere that he had experienced a similar situation. I loved my job and tried to stand up for myself and what I felt was the right thing to do (gut instict). In the end, I was off work with severe depression for 8 months, I did file harrasement & retaliation complaint through ca fair employment & housing because my employer would not accept my complaint, stating that I did not have a legimate complaint. Well... my complaint was accepted and also forwarded to the EEOC for action as well. It is a long process but I will follow through. I also filed a workers comp claim for stress, it was also validated after 8 months, but to late to keep my job, I resigned before I was to be terminated. The bully had bullied others before me and they had attempted to file a complaint with our employer to no avail, they were smart and moved on before it ended up with what I have gone through. They have a job, and for the first time since I was 14 yrs old, I don't. 

  

Question: How do you start over again, once your reputation has been ruined? I had A+++ up until a downsizing and mandated job move 2 yrs ago. Since some of you have returned to employment, I'm looking for any advise that will help me return to the workforce once again. 

  

PS I have read about bullying in the workplace and bullies always bully others that they are intimidated by. 

That is true, people who try to bully and intimidate you are secretly jealous or intimidated by your looks, experience, education, personality, etc...  So at least you know you have "something" going on for yourself if people are out-to-get-you, but I think that is all part of business nowadays.  So many people/coworkers out there just to bring you down. I would rather make a lot less money without the stress than to work in another envirnoment that made me physically and mentally ill. No amount of money in the world is worth that and I hope not to anyone else either.  My silent but deadly tactic of calling every top male executive in the company and complaining worked because I do know that one of the women that interrogated me and made my work life a living hell is gone from the company too. I think it is so funny.  As far as your reputation goes, I wouldn't worry about it.  Very few people have squeaky clean business reps and those that act like they do are just superficial and pretentious people anyways who should be ashamed of themselves for acting so holier than thou! I believe life is truly about making mistakes and having to drag those mistakes along with you as reminders of what you've learned.  Quit playing the victim and start being the victor.  Leave the past in the past so the future will open up to you.  God bless you.
 
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October 4, 2005, 9:37 am CDT

We do have a great relationship!

Hi, I am recently married and 7 years older than my lovely counterpart.  We have been married for almost two years now.  The problems is, I think some folks (co-workers, family, etc..) believe that I have a bad marriage and I don't know why. No one has really mentioned anything so it is probably just my paranoia, but I get a lot of questions sometimes about my marriage and how it is going and it makes me really concerned that people might be thinking it isn't good. First of all, I couldn't be happier and I don't know why anyone would ever doubt that between me and my husband.  We do have disagreements and sometimes even arguements, but overall we are extremely happy with each other and isn't that normal anyways?!  We communicate with one another extremely well and we are truly good friends.  We've had some financial and career woes, but who doesn't.  The last job I had my husband was unemployed at the time and I felt like people were judging me and our relationship for that, but everybody, married or not, goes through ups and downs in their career--let alone in their life!  My question is, how do you react to your coworkers when your spouse becomes unemployed or something a little negative happens to your relationship?  I didn't tell anyone at work he wasn't working, but I felt so secretive about our relationship that they sensed something.  Is it ok to keep my personal life, just that...personal?  I just don't know how much of my marriage I should be revealing at work, if any?!  Some coworkers all they do is talk about their husband's great job, career, retirement, etc..., but at the time I didn't have anything great to talk about!  LOL  Currently, we're both doing good and my hubbie has gotten a good job sense then...HELP!! Thank you!!
 
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October 7, 2005, 5:42 am CDT

What I want to do

Hi, I have been in college upgrading my education since 9/11 hit.  That means I have been in college since January 2002. I graduated with my undergrad in 2004 and was married in 2004.  It is now almost 2005, going on 2006, and I am currently in grad school working on my master's degree. My husband works and I have student loan money, so I don't work. I just focus on my studies and assignments which is, believe me, a full-time job in itself! My dream is to go on and receive a Ph.D. and be teaching, postsecondary education by the time I'm 42-43 years old.  My question is, do you think starting a teaching career at a university at 42-43 years of age is too old? I mean technically, I could teach 25 more years and I would only be 67-68 years old. I'm not sure how long I would have to teach in order to retire?  Does anyone know that information? When can you retire?  Does it depend on the profession or the company or organization in which you work? 

Thanks so much for you input!! I just want to make sure all this hard work and the goal to receive my Ph.D. is not a waste of time?!! 

 
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October 8, 2005, 12:51 pm CDT

Thank you

Quote From: marcia52

Ask your parents if they got AARP's Nov/Dec 05 issue and turn to page 88.  Ms. Verna J. Willis who went after her Ph.D. when she was in her 40's.  In her late 50's she was frustrated and wrote a set of goals.  1 being obtaining tenure at a university.  At the age of nearly 62 she got.  She retired when she was 77.   

  

Get this article and cut it out or photocopy it and hang it up so you can see it daily.  She can be your CHEERLEADER!  YOu are not the only one - just one of 1000's who decided they wanted to go after their heart's desire. 

Thanks for your reply. I'm going to find that article!
 

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