Messages By: ppopps

I was told I had it years ago, and it wasn't as bad as it could be.  Now the numbers say it's why I'm so painful now.  In a way it's a good thing because their are meds out there that can help.  I took them before when I had insurance and they were very helpful.  I won't have insurance till the first of the year so I have to ask for help, and I'm sure I'll get it.   

I am doing ok, just got back from Boise yesterday.  I'll be home for a week and a half then go back for a couple bazzaars.  On the 14th I'm getting my trigger fingers fixed so I'm excited about that.  I have had two done before and know the surgery gets rid of the problem so that will be behind me.  We are leaving town for Thanksgiving and going to my sister in laws in California so that is good too.  We haven't spend any holidays with her so it's going to be so much fun.   

I hope things are going ok with you.  What have you been up to lately?.....ma 

Yes he is.  I am just tired of not getting the credit I deserve !!!!!  I worked very hard this last summer, paying off many bills. I don't have any of the pressure I had before this summer.  I haven't been walking the butte, been gone almost every weekend this summer.  My daughter is moving from Boise Idaho to Salt Lake City Utah so I won't be seeing her fo a long while.  It's a 14 hour drive from here, and the roads will be mostly snow covered.  I will miss seing her.   

Last summer my brother was murdered and Trish had an emotional breakdown so it was tough, but we got through it.   

I gained 7 lbs back this summer, but I am not beating myself up because I kept off a whole bunch.  I'm going shopping tomorrow to get healthy food back in the house.  My feet have been very painful the last two months so the doc doesn't want me walking a lot till we get things a little under control.  Tests came back positive for RA, I've had it for a long while, but the numbers are a bunch higher now, so we have to figure that one out. 

Anyway, as you can see, things are still the same ol' same ol'.  Home for another week then gone a couple and back to have hand surgery the 14th.  I'm just so tired of having to deal with everything.   

Are you still working?  I think I read you were starting your own business again.  I hope it's going well.....ma 

But sometimes the verbal abuse is horrible.  We have been married a long time, and he has never touched me and I don't think he would, but he sure doesn't care what he says.  I wish I was strong enough to say to his face how I feel, but I know he would just turn what I say around to fit his needs.   

I have had RA for years, and delt with it pretty good, was on meds for it for a while but lost my job and insurance so i stopped taking it.  Then I finially got my disabillity and prescription help, but this year my help ran out last week, so I will have to waite to start any meds till Jan one.  I haven't heard about the iv treatment, but it would be good to look into it.  I'll be 58 on Monday, and feel like my time is running out.  There are times I wish it would too.   

Thanks for the reply.....ma 

It's not a death sentence, but it does effect the joints, and bounces from one to another.  It's an inflimation of the joints, and there is treatment for it, just can't afford it right now.   

I know what you are saying about starting the business again, and it sounds like you are doing it the right way.  My business failed too, and to be able to find something that actually is working is truly a blessing.  My girlfriend that lives just down the road from me has been helping me a lot.  She doesn't work outside the home and her kids have graduated from college so she is very bored.   A couple years ago they built a new garage and she added a really nice studio/sewing room on it.  It's much bigger than my sewing room, so I go to her place and we sew and sew.  She has a wood stove we get a big ol' fire going and before we know it the day is gone.  Today we mad 25 "Tater Pockets", a cloth "clutch like" pouch you put potatoes in to cook in the microwave.  Tomorrow we are going to put together some teddies and bunnies.  Right now I need to spend time away from the house, especially when i have days like today.  I just don't understand why he turns on me like this.  It's good to talk to you tonight, gotta go now though, my back is killing me and I need to lay down, what a whoos I am huh, lol.  Love ya Mar.....ma 

Thanks for the support.  I know I shouldn't take it, but we have been married for almost 40 years and i know nothing else.  I know I could get by ok without him, and there has been many times I wanted to get in the motor home and leave.  I really did pack all my nick nacks today, and he didn't, or hasn't even noticed they are gone.  There have been many times I wanted to die rather hear what he will say.  And he wonders why I don't tell him everything that goes on in my life.  DA!!!!!!!   When I stuck the turning stick in my hand and had to have 4 stitches last month I wasn't going to tell him but he called my daughters house, where I was staying, and my grandaughter told him I was in the ER, but didn't tell him it was for a cut in my hand and he got so mad and yelled at me and told me I idn't love him and was hiding things from him and how could I be so dumb to hit the end of the turning stick and do so much damage and he should put me in a streight jacket so I wouldn't cost him any money.  Boy, that was a tough one.    

We neither one deserve it, but like you say, we put up with it.  Thanks for you thoughts.....ma 

I don't know how to let those that love me and are close to me know that I'm not losing my mind, and I remember what we talk about.  Discussing the solution to a problem, and I act on our discussion then when it's talked about again I'm told that's not what I said.  Unfortunately I am reverting back to the old ways of self distruction and overeating and right now i don't care if I gain every pound back I lost because I feel like dog poop so why not look like it.  Of course because of all the stress my pain level is skyrocketing.  I don't sleep again, grd is back and I am hating life.  Thoughts of suicide have come back, however I don't have the desire to act on them.  I just don't want to be here.  I only have 4 more days at home and have so much to do.  On the other hand I want to leave tomorrow and spend three days "lost" and not tell anyone where I am.  I guess I should consider taking the doc up on going back to the pain clinic.  But when?  If I don't make a little extra money in the month I can't pay my bills. Oh my gosh, I'm in a deep hole and can't get out, and I think even if I could I may just jump back in.  I'm a mess right now.....ma 

I love Crystal.  I would never hurt her.  I don't know if she would be better off to stay here or go with me.  The thought of no one loving her like I do is horrible.  She barks and no one thinks I try to keep her from barking so I get yelled at for that.  I don't know.  Thanks for caring and writing.  No one can help me but me, I know that......ma