Messages By: nasale

Quote From: smlngbride

Im engaged and my soon to be mother in law hasnt quite gone as overboard as todays guest... but I fear for the future. They have told my fiance that they wont attend the wedding because of different beliefs. My parents are upset over this because they can understand where they may not agree with the decision their son has made (who stands by me 100% even though it is costing him his family- which is just absolutely terrible) but to miss such a monumental moment in their childs life as a wedding is just beyond my whole family. Granted my family tells him that they love him and that there is more than enough of us to go around to make up for it, you just cant make up for the lack of love from a parent. To me, I feel that this is no different than abandoning your child at birth- to completely cut them out of your life because you dont agree with one little thing. Whats next?!  

  

I have attempted everything in the book except for a face-to-face with his family. Perhaps these steps above quoted might be the best step at getting a common ground between them. I really hope it works, for all of our sakes. This doesnt just stop with the cutting us out. Someday children will be envolved and it would be a shame to miss out on something so great simply because I dont fit the criteria of what they consider the "perfect" woman.  

  

ps. Speaking of criteria my future husband has stated that he thinks the only perfect woman in their eyes is a woman that they find FOR him.  

Quote From: judyblue22

Ha! Another Cannuk :) I thought that was funny that someone would say that using the English spelling of a word in the English language is wrong :)

Quote From: sappell

All this talk about the mil and nothing about the wife!  Was I the only one who saw through her??  First she files for divorce and then says "I'm not going anywhere"  Then when DR Phil asks her about how she said she wouldn't abandon her children and now they are in foster care she totally blames Morgan for it, saying "I didn't make that decision.  I am not the custodial parent"  Well you can't tell me she just had absolutely no decision in that matter.  And then she gets all defensive when the mil calls him a Wuss on national tv, and she goes on to say she won't kick him out because he can't afford to live on his own because he doesn't have a good enough job!!  Way to kick him in the n*ts there lady!!  Tell the world he can't support himself!!  He looked like a little injured puppy up there that whole time and I know why!!  Between the mom and the wife, this guy doesn't get a break!!  Geez...

Quote From: jude0115

My ex-husband - the one who had the affair - was here today blaming me for all the troubles in his life.  Why is it that people are willing the play the game but when the time comes to accept responsibility the blame as to fall some where else.  I must be naive because I believe that people have to accept responsibility for their actions. 

Quote From: jim1970

Why don't women think of this sooner?????  Why is it that they only think of this after the fact???  Don't give me the hormone answer, girls.  I just think you're looking to trap a sucker and you whine when it doesn't turn out as well as you had hoped.

Quote From: bunkymarie

I have been with my husband for 10 years he has cheated in the past but we worked through it or did we? He has his own friends I don't know. He never asks me to go with him. He disappers completley for one to two nights a week. I'll ask where he was and he'll yell or say it's none of my business. I begged him to stop or at least call and he says sorry I just forget. Now we have four kids together and he says me and the kids are his world. Are sex life usually great, very good and we have a lot but these nights he disappers I have no clue where he is or what he does. He gives me excuses like I couldn't find a phone our brand new vehicle broke down, he ran out of gas you name it. Now I have told him I want to leave but he swears to God he's not cheating he loves me and the kids and would never. I can't wait to watch Doctor Phil today for some guidance on this. I don't want to throw our marriage away and niether does he but he won't change this. My kids get up in the morning and ask me if daddy had a sleep over at his friends again meanwhile he they can tell I have been crying. This has been going on for 3 years and gotten way worse. I have an anxiety disorder and depression. I weigh 110 pounds at 5'6 from stress. After he comes home from these nights he sleeps all day. I raise the kids I never do these things to him ever. When we do spend time together he freaks when I look at another man or one looks at me, he's always yelling at me then turns around and says he love's me. My nerves are shot. Maybe it's time I leave him over this because I believe he's seeing someone else. I told him jsut be honest and don't waste my life while your out having your own. He swears it's not what I think??? Any help today would be great. 

love your biggest fan joannie 

Quote From: squirty

Quote From: skimom4

Hi all-  

   

I'm new to the boards.  I've been married for 17 years; have 2 sons who are the loves of my life.  Once I had my sons, my husband seemed to stop being attracted to me; although he still seems interested in fulfilling his needs regularly (wow, this is so honest!).  I'm an attractive woman, in early 40's - I work out; am a size 6/8 (depending upon the week); and a business woman in a larger metro city.  

   

In all of my years of marriage; I have never been remotely attracted to anyone; when approached by a man; it just doesn't "happen" for me - I think of my family; my children; and usually, I just have the "I'm Married" wall all around me.  

   

In fact, I was always VERY quick to judge my friends who did this......  

   

......until December.  

   

After a work meeting at a restaurant; I lingered for a moment after the meeting was over; just wanted a few moments to myself where I wasn't "giving" to my job; my home; my family; my husband.  It was selfish, but just needed a minute to think.  I was about to pay the bill & leave, when a man asked if he could sit at my table.  Again in all my years of marriage I have never allowed this......until this night.  

   

He had a brilliant smile; was very interesting looking; and I said ok.  He is 15 years older than me.  And married.......  

   

Bad move.  

   

So, just 2 months ago, I had this "affair of the heart".  He's married.  I'm married.  I have a husband who has become like my brother; and 2 children who would never forgive me.  I got out of this relationship VERY quickly, but my heart is still there.  Am I "once a cheater always a cheater"???  I don't know.  But what I do know now, is that I certainly am not coming from the judgement seat any more.  I am in counseling, and I feel so badly that I cannot tell my husband this.  Being honest with myself; I love how the "guy" made me feel.  I had lost myself in the day to day life of motherhood; corporate world; pta meetings, and appeasing my husband on nights he is "ready to go"......  

   

Did I know it was a problem?  Deep inside, yes, but I figured it would pass as time went on, and my husband & I would find each other again.  But it didn't hit me until this guy held my hand that night, then leaned in to kiss me.  And I let him kiss me.  My husband would be sooooo hurt.  I feel so terribly.  I thought part of me had died - the part that "felt" these things.  Truly, and I thought it was normal that this just dies when you have children.  But I learned that night it didn't.  

   

I haven't told my husband, or anyone until now about this, except my new therapist (and now all of you).  I miss the way this "guy" made me feel; but I know he is not someone I want to be with.  I'm scared by my feelings; but in every way, feel that I am just as selfish & guilty.    

   

I don't know what to do.  I'm hoping the show on Wednesday will help....... I will be at work, but will check the website that night to see what happened.  

   

Sorry to enter the boards on such a disruptive note; but I'm certain I'm not alone in my feelings; and I really don't know what to do.....  

   

I guess for me, the bottom line is that in my entire life; I lived in judgement of others who did exactly what I did that night.  Now I'm the one being "judged".  I'm deeply humbled, my heart is a bit broken, and now I feel that I have this deep dark secret in there that my mind won't forget.  

   

Thanks for e-listening. I'm open to your thoughts-  

  

You are articulate, educated, accomplished, proud of your appearance -- yet you aren't getting what you NEED from your mate.  You said your husband "stopped being attracted to me," after you had children.  Did you come right out and ask him if this was true, or did you assume it b/c of how YOU feel/felt?   

  

I believe men and women seek intimacy outside of marriage  for mostly the same reason --  validation that they're desireable, sexy creatures.  For women though, a mere emotional connection can serve the same purpose, and when it reaches the physical, the woman acts based on her feelings towards the guy.  Please don't go in the "generalizations" direction.  I'm making a point for Skimom4. 

  

The critical statement you made is:  I miss the way this guy made me feel.   

Affairs occur, I think, b/c It's 99% of how someone makes us feel.  You want your spouse to make you feel that way, I'm sure.  And please understand, you're not alone in having this happen.  You're not being selfish.  What you are doing, is short-changing yourself by not communicating with your spouse.  There could be lots of reasons for his diminished interest in sex, other than you giving birth.   

You also said your sons are the loves of your life.  Perhaps your husband quit feeling like a priority in your life, and that you've been consumed by motherhood devotion.  Remember, you and he and God made those children.  When they are adults and moving onto their lives, you will be alone with your husband -- the man who started out being the love of your life 17 years ago. 

  

Your counselor should be advising you to communicate with him, or seeking counseling together.  I never ceases to amaze me that communication between men and women is like a train wreck.  Please express yourself to the man you married.  What will it cost you?  Why are you afraid?   

  

Good luck. 

  

  

Quote From: insecure

On 13 Feb 06 (yes, the day before Valentine's Day), I approached my wife and she told me she had been cheating on me for over a month.  She gave several reasons, among them that I had stopped showing her that I loved her.   

  

I agree that I was distant for the last several months and that I should have done a lot better, however, I do not think I deserved this.  We have agreed to work on our marriage to try to save it (we have been married for over 11 years and have two daughters). 

  

I feel she is trying to work on our marriage but I see her being so cold about what she did and I feel that she does not have any remorse for her infidelity. 

  

As I said, I want to save our marriage and I am a little insecure about my decision.  What do you think?