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Messages By: aintaho

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October 10, 2005, 1:38 pm CDT

What is the right reason to kick to the curb

Hey I think I justneed to vent, I am not looking for people to tell me what is wrong or what is right, i would like to know how common this is? My problem is this, I have been with this man for 16 years and we have two kids. He doesnt go out , he's not a drinker, he works 40 hours in a week, no more because he hates to work, and lets me know it all the time, but he does have  a serious problem , I think. He play video games, and not just for fun, example, he just had 11 days off, and I clocked him for 4.5 of those days, his hours spent on the machine was 59.5 hours. I ve done this before for a whole month becasue people told me there is nothing wrong with him playing his games, his monthly hours were 248.  our daughter gets mad sometimes and tells him all he ever does is play his games, but he brushes it off, and says she's just trying to get her own way. I have tried talking to him and telling him about ignoring us all the ime, because he puts on headphones to play these, so I cant even talk to him, now he has online things so he talks to strangers all over the world when he plays them, and i sit here and watch TV and am alone. He thinks I am controlling when I try to tell him how I feel. i dont want him to stop, he enjoys it, but i think hes missing out on his kids and Im afraid that when the kids move out, I wont stay either, because it's hard to be ignored day after day. He set his goal on hold for us. He's suppose to be playing music but quit to support us, and Im afraid that this is the reason why he plays, he trying to forget. Although when he did play music, he still played games as much as he could, so maybe it's not  the reason. He'll go over to his cousin's house at least three times a month and maybe stay over so they can play till 600 in the morning, and i'm told at least I know where he is, but it's not that comforting. he's 37 and I am at a loss now, I dont know how much I am suppose to put up with. I have to say I am very cranky and moody because of this and I am afraid that when the kids go, we no longer have anything in common, not that we do now. He never takes me anywhere, and this is becasue he says we cant afford it, but we always manage to afford the new games or a new system. Please if someone out there has some advice or know s what I am going though, I would love to get some help on this matter, I just dont know what else to do anymore,. Thanks all.
 
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October 11, 2005, 12:07 pm CDT

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

Quote From: lizabeth

Are you sitting there getting mad because he is playing the games?  What you doing with you life while he is playing.  Why wait for him to take you somewhere.  Pack up the kids and go to the park or what ever.  There are so many things that you can do that don't cost money.  My husband gets distracted with the computer.  A new program so forth.  All men like their toys.  Which is fine.  But it needs to be limited.  You have to teach the kids that the games are not everything.  If everyone is just sitting around watching dad.  What does that teach them.   I distract my husband.  Come up behind him and hug him, nibble on the neck, what ever it takes when he is engrossed in the computer.  If I just ask him to get off it does not work.  But you can not get as engrossed in getting upset about him as he is in the games.  He will either keep playing the games or join you.  Either way you are having fun and getting your mind off of his game playing.   

  

My husband and I are in a community band.  We go once a week just to keep our minds off of other things.  You don't have to play to be in a band and have it to consume you.  There are local bands and things that just meet every once in a while.  It is a wonderful way to have fun and not spend money.   

  

If he likes games go bowling with the family.  I don't know.  There is no answer.  It is all in what you want to do with life.   

  

See, even if you divorced him and left him.  What are  you going to do?  What would he be doing?  I bet he would be on-line and so forth even more.  Every time you go to do something.  Like take a walk in the mall.  Invite him..  While you have a chance to get out of the house, at least so is he....  Evey time I go some where I have to let him stop in the computer section.  I go look at other things.....  And he is happy.  Most of the time I make it clear he can look he just can't buy.....  And he is fine with that.  We have an agreement that if something is more than $40.  We ask the other person if it is alright to get it.  So once a month he does get something.  I think it has given him incentive to spend more time deciding what he wants and a few more trips out....  So it gets him out of the house....  I may have to rent a so called guy flick once a month.  (Sports, action pack, so forth) and sit and watch it with him in order to get his time.   

  

So why be alone.  Go to a friends house, go walk around the neighborhood.  I don't know? But it is all up to  you........   He is in control of you and the games.  While he is playing, he is keeping you in the house as well.  Go to the gym anything.   Just find something that you can enjoy as well.  Not just watching him play.............  You local parks and recreation usually offers classes in different things for just a few dollars.   It is sad that you know exactly how many hours he has spent on the game.  I don't know what he played in the band.  Maybe you could learn it and play with him.....  No one has the answer but you...  You just have to figure it out......   

  

Best of luck...... 

Just so you know, I don't sit and whallow or sit and watch him play his games. I do have my own life and so do the kids, unfortunately, its becomming to common to be without him.  I get involved in everything he likes to do. He has people who tell him how lucky he is to have the lifestyle he has, and a women who understands his needs to relax, that is not the problem. I can see that you don't know what it is like to have someone addicted to something, and it is not just as easy to do the things you are suggesting, it is not a hobby anymore, it is controlling the way he lives and we live. I was looking for people who may have the same problem, I needed to know that this is happening at other homes, and maybe they have suggestions, i appreciate your thoughts on the matter, but you dont really understand the problem, it is not as easy  as you seem to have put it. i am looking for an answer before I am too used to being alone, and the kids used to being without their Dad, because the games are more important..    thank you anyway for your thoughts and ideas...
 
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October 11, 2005, 12:15 pm CDT

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

Quote From: acarl894

My husband and I have been married for along time now and have 2 children and we suffer from the same game playing issues.  My children are both still very young and my heart hurts for all that he is missing out on.  We've had the arguments far too many times to count now but it doesn't seem to do any good.  He will get better and limit his play time for awhile then he's right back where he started and I'm back to watching the kids and being alone again.  I wish I had advice for you but I can't even fix my own marriage.  I often wonder why he has to escape to games, why can't he escape through me.  Sometimes, alot of the times I feel like he prefers hi sgames over me.
I'm with you, we have had too many fights with the same issue as well, but it's gets very tiring. I tried showing him how many hours he actually plays, but all I got was flack from him and his friends, they could'nt believe I actually kept track of his hours of play. I really dont mind him playing, it'sthe amount of time. If he would leave it until the kids went to bed, or at night on the weekends, but it takes over, I looked for sites that had the same problem, but there doesnt seem to be any. I was thinking maybe there are too many people with this problem, so Thank you for letting me know that I am not the only one. I know he doesnt prefer the games over me, I just think know that he needs them to escape the pressures of work and life. I know that he really enjoys them, I can hear that, I just wish that he waould enjoy the kids the same way, my heart breaks for them too, and I warn him, that there will be a time when they will resent him for it, but he doesnt see it or believe it. So I go on and so do they, and hopfully something  drastic will happen and he will see the light. thank you for letting me know I am not alone...
 
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October 12, 2005, 11:51 am CDT

escaping

Quote From: missjane2

You said your husband hates to work.  Maybe he needs a new job.  Maybe he needs to work less hours at the same job because some jobs are stressful.  You said he wanted to do music, but put that on the backburner to provide.   Maybe he feels bad about himself because of this.  I think computers is a way to ESCAPE.  He is escaping.
Actually this is funny, no he only works 40 hours a week and gets three days every week off. Unfortunately  my guy just hates labour. He seems to think he shouldnt have to. He just finished his journeyman ticket  in the last two months, so this is not it. Even when he was playing his music full time, the other time was spent in front of a video game. His addiction has lasted through his childhood, so even he says it is not an escape but just an enjoyment. He just doesnt feel he should do anything that he doesnt enjoy, and that includes doing stuff with me or the kids, unless it's game playing. His main problem , is selfishness. It's all about him and his enjoyment in life. If i thought it was about escaping I would try and help him out, but I cant even get him to try and find guys to play his music with anymore. No unfortunately it's an addiction, and nothing else. the sony has been apart of his life for a very long time, and i dont see it ever going away, unless something major happened in our life, and I don't do ultimations. I'm hoping one day the kids will say somethng that will smack him inot reality.  thanks for your help on this though...
 
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October 12, 2005, 11:59 am CDT

reread your own letter

Quote From: lculver

 I was with my boyfriend for 9+ years, we just recently split, June 1, 2005, I lived with him, in his home.  We have no children together,  but we do each have children.  My three daughters live with me, and his son lived with us, typical blended familty.  He was emotionally abusive, and  physically abusive in the beginning.  I thought he might be having an affair at the beginning of 2005, I found that  he was having some type of affair, maybe not sexual, but something was happening.  I stayed with him for a few months and felt that I could not move on, so I bought my own home, moved.   I told him to move on, I was  through with  this relationship, he met someone, a good friend from school, I do know that he was with this person once in the last three months, I have not lived with him, I told him to move on, what did I expect from him.  Now I think I want him back in my life, what do I do.  I do love him deeply, we are best friends, we enjoy each other completely, I think, I just stopped caring emotionally, I gained weight, he was going to school, feeling good about himself, and I was feeling bad about myself.  I know he loves me, I just pushed him away.  He is not perfect, but he is an awesome person, we have both just had very hard lives and a lot of struggles, will it work if we go back?  So confused and sad.
Hi I am not one for giving advice to anybody. But, I couldnt help myself on this one. NOONE deserves to be emotionally  abused,but NOONE has a right to lay a finger on you EVER for any reason. You did the right thing. You said you have three daughters. You staying in a realtionship like that , teaches your daughters that it is alright to be treated this way. I know that this is not the kind of relationship that you have dreamed that your girls would have, is it? You were strong and left. You taught your daughters something. It's normal to want to go back, but just give it a bit of time, and you will see that this was the best thing for you and your kids. there is someone out there that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Just hang in there,be strong, and if you feel the need to call, just look at your daughters faces, I am sure that they will lead you in the right direction.. 
 
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March 1, 2006, 2:43 pm CST

03/02 Our Biggest Battle

Quote From: blondie4u

  My fiancee' likes to play online computer games with all of his free time.. it gets in the way of us spending time together since we arnt' lving together. He likes to play all night if he can. sometimes he will be in his game room for about 5 hours at a time. We have talked about it and he thinks I need to find a hobbie and we should do are seperate things.. but I like to spend time with him when im over there. He tries to not play as much cause he knows I dont like it, but he still plays a long time and I know thats really what he wants to be doing. I also try to not mind what he does.. but deep down I feel like thats more important. So i cant imagine a few years down the road if we have kids if he will choose games over them.. that would be horrible! will this ever get better??? or am I going to have to deal with it!?!?! Stressed!! ps. I do really love this man!!!! but I dont want my future kids to be punished for my mistake!
 I have been with my man for 16 yrs. We have two children, it will not get better. I am at a loss. All his free time is spent with Video Games. The children are lucky to get an hour a week with him, and me, well, there is none. My advice to you is either to bare with it, but  do not have kids, unless he  realizes all on his own about his addiction and what it is costing him and you, but my experience tells me different. He feels as long as he's not spending his time in a bar or out catting around, he should be able to do as he chooses, no harm done, he's at home. I worked it out  and kept track of all his hours in one month, it was almost three hundred. When it was brought up to him, he could not believe that I actually wrote down his hours, he was more angry at that, and his cousin , which is another problem , couldnt believe it either. He goes over to his house at least once a week to play with him, for at least 6 hours, and if his brother is in town, then it's more. I have made my bed and now I have to lie in it, but I say to you, do not have children, becasue it is not fair to them, noone likes to be aware of the fact that their Father would rather play video games, or with strangers online , than with them. Believe me it's a very hard cross to bare. It's also heartbreaking to watch and to live.
 
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March 1, 2006, 6:37 pm CST

03/02 Our Biggest Battle

Quote From: lllamas

well.. when children are involved the senerio is different.   

  

Sounds like he has a deeper issue he is trying to cope with. Express your hurt in a logical way that is nonthreatening/overly confrontational and also stress the importance of a father-figure in your childs life. Maybe use examples of how people who didn't have fathers in their life turned out.  

  

Good luck. 

Hey Sounds Great in theory, but I have tried all of that , we have a 14 yr. and an 8 yr. old , I have tried everything, and it is a deeper issue, but most of all , he finds NOTHING wrong with the way he is. Like I said as long as he is a home. His friends , not that he has any outside of work, because there is no time for them, finds northing wrong with it. We are both in the same room as it is. We have two TVs in our living room, so the rest of us have something to watch while he's playing. iIreally appreciate your advice, but it's not something that is new to me or my kids. I just know that one day in the future, maybe he'll regret it or maybe he wont. Only time will tell.
 
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March 2, 2006, 10:37 am CST

Hey there is someone with my life out there

Quote From: fmrouse

My husband plays World of Warcraft from the minute he comes home at 3:30 pm to anywhere between 10pm-5am.  We have two kids who he pretty much doesn't talk to and sure as hell never plays with.  This has been going on for about 5 years with all types of online games.  Our lowest point was in 2001 when he lost his job and spent nights on the game and days, when he was supposed to taking care of our son while I was at work, sleeping.  I'd come home and my son's diaper would be so full it'd be hanging off or fallen off all together.  My husband quit bathing, became a chain smoker, and our sex life was non-existent. 

     What turned it around a little was me trying to leave him for good.  So, he joined the Navy and cut game time down to 2 hours or so a day.  But, he's back to the all nighters.  I cope with it because at least he is working and my now 2 kids have a decent life, albeit void of a decent dad. 

     Why is the game so important?  My husband told me once that the game is his reality and maybe once our son gets old enough to play he could start forming a relationship with him.  (He did try to get my son to play Everquest when he was 4 yrs old, needless to say it didn't work out.)  He would also like me to get in on the game so our relationship will be better.  But, what if I turn into him and then our kids won't have a mom, too. 

     Our life now consists of him being on the game while I take care of the household, the kids, and basically do whatever I want as long as it doesn't interupt him.  I surround my kids with friends and family for a little male role modeling.  And my husband comes out for holidays. 

     I'm not sure if this will ever change, but I've learned to cope for the time being.   

Hi Neighbor, sad isnt it, but your life sounds like my life, and I dont think I've ever seen another one put it like me. Does he have headphones too? Mine sits with headphones on all night and is frustrated when he has to remove them to answer me, so I've given up talking to him  and find myself talking to the TV at night, it doesnt answer me either? LOL. I laugh because if I didnt I 'd cry, and I've done enough of that. Everyone thinks it's so simple, well just leave then, it's not that simple, he has no other habits (other than smoking) He has a job, but  I know why  he plays, it is an escape from having  not fulfilled his dream, but I also know he enjoys them so very much, I wouldnt care about the games, if he only played them at night ,and during the day , he spent it with the kids on the weekend, but it's not something I wish to fight over anymore. My 14yr is trying to take after him and that's all he cares to do as well in the winter, summer its golf or games, but I will not allow my child to turn into his father, he has to earn his time, by bringing  home the grades, what he does on school work daily , allocates his time playing, but no longer than three hours a day. Now that may seem like alot, but I have to say, it;'s worth the A's and B's he's bringing home on his school work, he also has to do other activities or he cant  play, I may not be able to stop his Dad from it, but I sure can stop our child. I dont want him to stop playing either, I understand his enjoyment, he works hard and deserves it , I just wish he would be interested in us as well, and maybe put some balance into it, but I have come to understand that I cannot change it, only he can, and I dont think he ever will.
 

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