10/03 Feuding Families
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10Making peace before it's too late
Posted by: jonesdlj
Posted on: 2002-10-03 08:59:43
I'm now 37 yrs old, with 2 other sisters.Two yrs ago I had a serious auto accident and my oldest sister (13 yrs older)was the only one in the family to come to my help.She helped me co-sign and finance a used vehicle.I defaulted on the loan & she was very upset.She paid off the loan herself & out of embarrassment and pride I quit talking to her and the rest of my family.This hurt everyone for two yrs.A very close friend of mine two yrs later, advised me to reconnect & I did write to my sister.Over the two yrs,my sister had done some changing herself & accepted my apology with open arms.She changed her outlook personally in life over the past 2 yrs & became an inspiration to everyone in the family.Her motto "Life's too short".For 3 yrs we became "best friends", I looked up to everything she was.One day, I got a dreaded phone call though, that on a snow skiing trip, unexpectedly, at such a young age, she had a heartattack.She was in perfect health and this was totally unexpected.God works in mysterious ways to teach us such valuable lessons.To Everyone... Life IS too short...she never mentioned the money I owed her...she just loved me anyway & I'll never forget that or her.I miss her everyday & will never forget her smile!!
Posted by: jonesdlj
Posted on: 2002-10-03 08:59:43
I'm now 37 yrs old, with 2 other sisters.Two yrs ago I had a serious auto accident and my oldest sister (13 yrs older)was the only one in the family to come to my help.She helped me co-sign and finance a used vehicle.I defaulted on the loan & she was very upset.She paid off the loan herself & out of embarrassment and pride I quit talking to her and the rest of my family.This hurt everyone for two yrs.A very close friend of mine two yrs later, advised me to reconnect & I did write to my sister.Over the two yrs,my sister had done some changing herself & accepted my apology with open arms.She changed her outlook personally in life over the past 2 yrs & became an inspiration to everyone in the family.Her motto "Life's too short".For 3 yrs we became "best friends", I looked up to everything she was.One day, I got a dreaded phone call though, that on a snow skiing trip, unexpectedly, at such a young age, she had a heartattack.She was in perfect health and this was totally unexpected.God works in mysterious ways to teach us such valuable lessons.To Everyone... Life IS too short...she never mentioned the money I owed her...she just loved me anyway & I'll never forget that or her.I miss her everyday & will never forget her smile!!
Peace Before It's Too Late
Posted by: tttccl
Posted on: 2002-10-03 11:30:33
What happened in your family really shows how important it is to be loving with your family while you have them. It does seem interesting that you allowed your sister to welcome you back with open arms and forgive you and yet you still didn't feel the need to start paying her back?
Posted by: tttccl
Posted on: 2002-10-03 11:30:33
What happened in your family really shows how important it is to be loving with your family while you have them. It does seem interesting that you allowed your sister to welcome you back with open arms and forgive you and yet you still didn't feel the need to start paying her back?
Peace paid in full
Posted by: nativetex
Posted on: 2002-10-03 14:28:48
tttccl-You approached this writer so delicately, and I admire your touch. I too
was curious as to why two years of "hiding"
in embarrassment plus three years "as best friends" was still not adequate time to repay a financial debt to the "only person who was there for you". Family or friend, a
debt does not just go away with the words
"I'm sorry" or "I forgive you". Your sister
is gone and your debt still stands. Wanta'
show her and yourself that her unselfish
kindness was truly appreciated? Sacrifice
something in your life and start writing
a check every month and send it to a homeless shelter or a charity in your area.
Don't stop until the entire debt to your
sister has been paid. Then, and only then
can you truly appreciate what she gave up
when she put your needs before her own.
Take care...
Posted by: nativetex
Posted on: 2002-10-03 14:28:48
tttccl-You approached this writer so delicately, and I admire your touch. I too
was curious as to why two years of "hiding"
in embarrassment plus three years "as best friends" was still not adequate time to repay a financial debt to the "only person who was there for you". Family or friend, a
debt does not just go away with the words
"I'm sorry" or "I forgive you". Your sister
is gone and your debt still stands. Wanta'
show her and yourself that her unselfish
kindness was truly appreciated? Sacrifice
something in your life and start writing
a check every month and send it to a homeless shelter or a charity in your area.
Don't stop until the entire debt to your
sister has been paid. Then, and only then
can you truly appreciate what she gave up
when she put your needs before her own.
Take care...
so sad
Posted by: domsmommy
Posted on: 2002-10-08 22:47:23
Hi..I just wanted to comment on the fact that tttccl said that she should still pay her sister back? I truly believe in forgive and forget and not digging up the past.
My brother had to help me when i was a freshman in college, because i could not afford books..I paid him back most of it..and a couple years later i had a son who is now almost 17 months old..and he told me to keep the money and buy my son something.
Maybe the sister was in a really tight spot and had every intention to pay her back..but i do not in any way believe that money should cause two siblings to seperate.
This world sadly has become based on money...I would help a family member or friend out in a heartbeat..as i have before..and if they pay me back they pay me back..if not oh well...because i will not let money ruin our relationship:)
Posted by: domsmommy
Posted on: 2002-10-08 22:47:23
Hi..I just wanted to comment on the fact that tttccl said that she should still pay her sister back? I truly believe in forgive and forget and not digging up the past.
My brother had to help me when i was a freshman in college, because i could not afford books..I paid him back most of it..and a couple years later i had a son who is now almost 17 months old..and he told me to keep the money and buy my son something.
Maybe the sister was in a really tight spot and had every intention to pay her back..but i do not in any way believe that money should cause two siblings to seperate.
This world sadly has become based on money...I would help a family member or friend out in a heartbeat..as i have before..and if they pay me back they pay me back..if not oh well...because i will not let money ruin our relationship:)
Doms...
Posted by: sanibel7
Posted on: 2002-10-09 11:12:11
It's good that you can let things go like that, but I'm tempted to ask, wow, where do I sign up for loan with you??? Because you're basically saying I won't be asked to fulfill my obligation to you afterwards; we teach people how to treat us! And I would argue that if the loaning sister didn't require the borrowing sister to pay her back (or at least didn't register her displeasure with this broken promise) she would be doing the borrowing sister a disservice which, I think, is called "enabling" in therapy...
Posted by: sanibel7
Posted on: 2002-10-09 11:12:11
It's good that you can let things go like that, but I'm tempted to ask, wow, where do I sign up for loan with you??? Because you're basically saying I won't be asked to fulfill my obligation to you afterwards; we teach people how to treat us! And I would argue that if the loaning sister didn't require the borrowing sister to pay her back (or at least didn't register her displeasure with this broken promise) she would be doing the borrowing sister a disservice which, I think, is called "enabling" in therapy...
good point..sanibel
Posted by: domsmommy
Posted on: 2002-10-10 21:54:32
I guess you did make a point!:)
What i meant is that if a very close friend or family memeber was in a tight bind and needed the money for an emergency i would help them
I will not help everyone..believe me i work hard for my money and me and my family need it lol!
Posted by: domsmommy
Posted on: 2002-10-10 21:54:32
I guess you did make a point!:)
What i meant is that if a very close friend or family memeber was in a tight bind and needed the money for an emergency i would help them
I will not help everyone..believe me i work hard for my money and me and my family need it lol!
Don't waste precious time!
Posted by: whoachief
Posted on: 2002-11-28 19:54:10
My father passed away May 26, 2002 and my mother just passed away November 17, 2002. It has hurt me so much to lose both of them within 6 months of each other BUT we had such a loving, close relationship that I can't imagine what it would have done to me if I had guilt added to my grief. LOVE YOUR FAMILY WHILE YOU HAVE THE CHANCE!!!!
Posted by: whoachief
Posted on: 2002-11-28 19:54:10
My father passed away May 26, 2002 and my mother just passed away November 17, 2002. It has hurt me so much to lose both of them within 6 months of each other BUT we had such a loving, close relationship that I can't imagine what it would have done to me if I had guilt added to my grief. LOVE YOUR FAMILY WHILE YOU HAVE THE CHANCE!!!!
Some family members don't care ...
Posted by: dmdhild
Posted on: 2002-10-05 13:00:06
Some of us never resolve our differences. I haven't spoken to my eldest sister for nearly 20 years, and quite frankly, I prefer it that way. I've made the decision to cut negative people out of my life. Being dragged down by constant negativity was something I could not live with, or accept. Anyway, she's currently battling brain cancer and we have yet to speak. Don't get me wrong, I've forgiven her, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to allow her back into my life. My decision's based on her past actions .... 15 years ago, our other sister was dying of cancer. The hospital called to tell us we "better get there right away" .. well... my eldest sister never gave us the message. Her reasoning was she wasn't speaking to me or our mother, therefore, my other sister died, alone, in a nursing home at the age of 30. Afterwards, mom needed open heart surgery & needed family members to donate blood, and platelets - she refused. Not only that, but she never once called or visited her. When my mom was diagnosed as terminal, that's when she decided to stop by. During that visit, the first thing out of her mouth was, "Before we start, just know I'm not about to apologize for anything I've done". When my mother died, she didnt' show for the funeral. Who needs people like that?
Posted by: dmdhild
Posted on: 2002-10-05 13:00:06
Some of us never resolve our differences. I haven't spoken to my eldest sister for nearly 20 years, and quite frankly, I prefer it that way. I've made the decision to cut negative people out of my life. Being dragged down by constant negativity was something I could not live with, or accept. Anyway, she's currently battling brain cancer and we have yet to speak. Don't get me wrong, I've forgiven her, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to allow her back into my life. My decision's based on her past actions .... 15 years ago, our other sister was dying of cancer. The hospital called to tell us we "better get there right away" .. well... my eldest sister never gave us the message. Her reasoning was she wasn't speaking to me or our mother, therefore, my other sister died, alone, in a nursing home at the age of 30. Afterwards, mom needed open heart surgery & needed family members to donate blood, and platelets - she refused. Not only that, but she never once called or visited her. When my mom was diagnosed as terminal, that's when she decided to stop by. During that visit, the first thing out of her mouth was, "Before we start, just know I'm not about to apologize for anything I've done". When my mother died, she didnt' show for the funeral. Who needs people like that?
Have you thought much about this?
Posted by: wyohos
Posted on: 2002-10-10 08:49:09
Have you ever stoped to think that you are doing exactly what your sister did 15 years ago? What kind of person does that make you?
Posted by: wyohos
Posted on: 2002-10-10 08:49:09
Have you ever stoped to think that you are doing exactly what your sister did 15 years ago? What kind of person does that make you?
I have
Posted by: dmdhild
Posted on: 2002-10-11 14:14:37
I take your comments as an attack, but then, I could be wrong. Let's just say I've tried numerous times to patch things up with my sister only to have her reject them. Just because we're born to the same set of parents doesn't mean we're alike. She's so difficult to deal with that nearly the entire family's cut her off. That's her doing, not mine. I can hold my head up high knowing I TRIED. So, that's the kind of person I am.
Posted by: dmdhild
Posted on: 2002-10-11 14:14:37
I take your comments as an attack, but then, I could be wrong. Let's just say I've tried numerous times to patch things up with my sister only to have her reject them. Just because we're born to the same set of parents doesn't mean we're alike. She's so difficult to deal with that nearly the entire family's cut her off. That's her doing, not mine. I can hold my head up high knowing I TRIED. So, that's the kind of person I am.
atlasdc
Posted by: atlasdc
Posted on: 2002-10-11 16:30:40
Dear dmdhild, I too have lived situations such as yours. I can also understand completely how it might come across as an attack from the previous writer's comment. Here is my take. I think you are entitled to your feelings on this matter and I believe you when you state that you have tried to mend the "fence" so to speak and I also agree with you about excercising the right to eliminate negative people out of your life and have done so myself in my own life. I feel in my heart though, that it is hurting you deep down inside that your sister is dying of brain cancer and that there is a rift no matter how ridiculous or who started what and that is the point. You have taken the high road so far, why not once more? You stated that you have tried, I am merely stating from past experience to say your goodbyes to your sister and forgive her to her face and allow her to pass knowing your forgiveness no matter if you recieve the same in return. You will feel so much better knowing you did absolutely everything you could and then some and never live a day in regret. Some call this taking the high road, I call it saving myself a great deal of pain and regret.
I know that whatever your choice, it is the best for you at this time.
Blessings, atlasdc
Posted by: atlasdc
Posted on: 2002-10-11 16:30:40
Dear dmdhild, I too have lived situations such as yours. I can also understand completely how it might come across as an attack from the previous writer's comment. Here is my take. I think you are entitled to your feelings on this matter and I believe you when you state that you have tried to mend the "fence" so to speak and I also agree with you about excercising the right to eliminate negative people out of your life and have done so myself in my own life. I feel in my heart though, that it is hurting you deep down inside that your sister is dying of brain cancer and that there is a rift no matter how ridiculous or who started what and that is the point. You have taken the high road so far, why not once more? You stated that you have tried, I am merely stating from past experience to say your goodbyes to your sister and forgive her to her face and allow her to pass knowing your forgiveness no matter if you recieve the same in return. You will feel so much better knowing you did absolutely everything you could and then some and never live a day in regret. Some call this taking the high road, I call it saving myself a great deal of pain and regret.
I know that whatever your choice, it is the best for you at this time.
Blessings, atlasdc
Don't Care
Posted by: lynnielv
Posted on: 2002-11-28 22:58:22
Our daughter lived with us for 15 month's bacause my hubby was going on s.s.d we did not know how long it would take, so to make a long story short her and her hubby and 2 girl's moved in with us pulled all of our money to gather to pay everone's bill's ( which she had alot more of and did not borther to tell us, plus most of them were past due) well after we paid her bill's off and she gor a raise at work she said that we took all of her maoney and was getting into her marrige not true. Plus she said we abused her growing so she does not want to have anything to do with us, that is o.k. but she is making the choice for our granddughter's also putting tehm into the middle .I said to her right after what if something happen's to me or your dad when your are doing all this stuff. She said she was trying not to think of that. I have tried and tried but it has to be her way or nothing what about all the yr's my hubby and I took care of them when thay were doing drug's to be excat 12yr's long yr's we did not do it because we wanted to but because there were 2 little baby's. so you forgive someone when thay do not want anything to do with you. Oh by the way she is a born again christen. nothing wrong with that except she thinks's she is god herself. we have none nothing but try to give our kid's the best being a parent does not mean that you don't make mistake's. How do you love someone that will not let you love them.
Posted by: lynnielv
Posted on: 2002-11-28 22:58:22
Our daughter lived with us for 15 month's bacause my hubby was going on s.s.d we did not know how long it would take, so to make a long story short her and her hubby and 2 girl's moved in with us pulled all of our money to gather to pay everone's bill's ( which she had alot more of and did not borther to tell us, plus most of them were past due) well after we paid her bill's off and she gor a raise at work she said that we took all of her maoney and was getting into her marrige not true. Plus she said we abused her growing so she does not want to have anything to do with us, that is o.k. but she is making the choice for our granddughter's also putting tehm into the middle .I said to her right after what if something happen's to me or your dad when your are doing all this stuff. She said she was trying not to think of that. I have tried and tried but it has to be her way or nothing what about all the yr's my hubby and I took care of them when thay were doing drug's to be excat 12yr's long yr's we did not do it because we wanted to but because there were 2 little baby's. so you forgive someone when thay do not want anything to do with you. Oh by the way she is a born again christen. nothing wrong with that except she thinks's she is god herself. we have none nothing but try to give our kid's the best being a parent does not mean that you don't make mistake's. How do you love someone that will not let you love them.
Refreshing
Posted by: dianeppd
Posted on: 2002-10-07 14:34:51
I am so happy for you. For your late sister and the entire family. I do realize the peace you feel in your heart.Of course you miss her but the love and peace you shared with your sister will live on throughout the rest of your life. You are here and will pass along to others all that has been learnd from this life experiance. Take care.And thank you for sharing this uplifting story. Diane
Posted by: dianeppd
Posted on: 2002-10-07 14:34:51
I am so happy for you. For your late sister and the entire family. I do realize the peace you feel in your heart.Of course you miss her but the love and peace you shared with your sister will live on throughout the rest of your life. You are here and will pass along to others all that has been learnd from this life experiance. Take care.And thank you for sharing this uplifting story. Diane
Posted by: cbtrina
Posted on: 2002-11-29 06:25:18
Hi, I'm very sorry about your sister. I was sort of in the same situation.
about three years ago, I had an oppertunity to meet my biological brothers and sisters.
My mother didn't agree with my decision, and stopped talking to me,
A year later, we startted talking again, and then a short time later, she committed suecide. I had allways felt guilty, because I thought that it was my fault, and I guess that I still do.
I know that she had mental illness, paranoid Skitzofreenia and her thinking was off, but my guilty feelings haven't gone away, and maybe they never will.
I miss my mother very much, and there's an empty place in my heart where she use to be, but I was glad that I was able to talk to her before she died.
Again, I'm sorrry about your sister, and you're right, treasure all the time that you have, because you never know.Made peace with my mother. Cbtrina
families be bugging
Posted by: ny23la
Posted on: 2002-10-03 10:01:22
I tell you I struggle with forgiveness and God knows I need it. I'am 26 years old.My family is so divide it pityful and my mother knows that I am her blame child. Everthing that goes wrong she figure out a way to blame me for it. My keen folks judge the crap out of me for something I didn't do, constantly, these jerks stare me straight in the eye and make stupid comments that I just want there money, what a bunch of arrogant jerks, this is because someone in my immediate family asked for money not me. Instead of my mother correction she puts it on that I don't want to talk to them but I hate the pain I have to go through because of it. It's hard to forgive sometimes I prayer that I find a job far away and stay away from them..........I am sorry but my family PSST ME OFF!!!!I am a christian but am just a babe struggling.
Posted by: ny23la
Posted on: 2002-10-03 10:01:22
I tell you I struggle with forgiveness and God knows I need it. I'am 26 years old.My family is so divide it pityful and my mother knows that I am her blame child. Everthing that goes wrong she figure out a way to blame me for it. My keen folks judge the crap out of me for something I didn't do, constantly, these jerks stare me straight in the eye and make stupid comments that I just want there money, what a bunch of arrogant jerks, this is because someone in my immediate family asked for money not me. Instead of my mother correction she puts it on that I don't want to talk to them but I hate the pain I have to go through because of it. It's hard to forgive sometimes I prayer that I find a job far away and stay away from them..........I am sorry but my family PSST ME OFF!!!!I am a christian but am just a babe struggling.
in the same boat
Posted by: palepetals
Posted on: 2002-10-03 10:43:48
i am a 19 year old with a father just like that he blames me for everything that goes wrong in his life. i got blamed for destroying my step mom's and dads marriage because i told my step my my dad had an affair which he did. i am my dads blame child, i have an older sister and in my dads eyes she cant do no wrong its always my fault for everything! i know the feeling of wanting to get as far away from that as possible i now because i have attempted it many times and now i am moving out of Canada away from him and going to University in Seattle far away from my father and all the stress he brings to my life for good!
Posted by: palepetals
Posted on: 2002-10-03 10:43:48
i am a 19 year old with a father just like that he blames me for everything that goes wrong in his life. i got blamed for destroying my step mom's and dads marriage because i told my step my my dad had an affair which he did. i am my dads blame child, i have an older sister and in my dads eyes she cant do no wrong its always my fault for everything! i know the feeling of wanting to get as far away from that as possible i now because i have attempted it many times and now i am moving out of Canada away from him and going to University in Seattle far away from my father and all the stress he brings to my life for good!
palepeptals
Posted by: dizliz56
Posted on: 2002-10-03 11:56:29
My son is 18 and I always talked to him as if he was the same age as me until one day he asked if I was just telling him this stuff to get it off my chest or if I was blaming him for it.I never thought of it that way I just thought he was understanding I needed some one to bounce off of.some times as a parent you don't understand how things come across to our kids.Your Dad might not think of how things are coming across.Plus the hardest thing for a parent to do is let go and stop thinking of you as needing them.
Posted by: dizliz56
Posted on: 2002-10-03 11:56:29
My son is 18 and I always talked to him as if he was the same age as me until one day he asked if I was just telling him this stuff to get it off my chest or if I was blaming him for it.I never thought of it that way I just thought he was understanding I needed some one to bounce off of.some times as a parent you don't understand how things come across to our kids.Your Dad might not think of how things are coming across.Plus the hardest thing for a parent to do is let go and stop thinking of you as needing them.
dizliz56
Posted by: artsyldy
Posted on: 2002-10-04 21:32:40
I agree with you, letting go of a child is very difficult, but I feel the best gift a parent can give a child is responsibility.
Many parents hand their children money when all they really want at times is someone to talk to or to listen to them.
I could see the pain of those girls hurting
but also parents who thought they were being good parents. The Mom was a teacher, and they had a nice home, but I feel since the daughter said her Mom talked of her students
and braged on them but she needed attention, I could feel her pain. The Mom may not be telling her daughter she loves her or perhaps
sets her goals too high for her daughters. They appeared like good parents but they could love conditionally and this is not good for those girls. They seem to need more communication and give their daughters he
attention , the mom gives her students. The
father seemed ok, but works hard to give the girls material things & the Mom too, Most girls would rather have their parents than all the money when young. I have had this happen in my extended family.
Posted by: artsyldy
Posted on: 2002-10-04 21:32:40
I agree with you, letting go of a child is very difficult, but I feel the best gift a parent can give a child is responsibility.
Many parents hand their children money when all they really want at times is someone to talk to or to listen to them.
I could see the pain of those girls hurting
but also parents who thought they were being good parents. The Mom was a teacher, and they had a nice home, but I feel since the daughter said her Mom talked of her students
and braged on them but she needed attention, I could feel her pain. The Mom may not be telling her daughter she loves her or perhaps
sets her goals too high for her daughters. They appeared like good parents but they could love conditionally and this is not good for those girls. They seem to need more communication and give their daughters he
attention , the mom gives her students. The
father seemed ok, but works hard to give the girls material things & the Mom too, Most girls would rather have their parents than all the money when young. I have had this happen in my extended family.
re: families be bugging
Posted by: yoyoqn
Posted on: 2002-10-03 20:14:55
dear one........I have been there......and boy have I put up with that.
You deserve so much better. Don't wait for a better job.....the sooner you leave them the better for you and your sanity.
My family was the same way. Even though I don't even live in the same state as they do they still blame everything and I do mean everything on me.
You know.........Even Dr. Phil.......says forgiveness does not mean absolution.
You can forgive.....without ever going near them again. Like me.....I am sure you could never count on your 'family' to be there for you.
Sadly there are some relationships that can never be salvaged. relationships like that are better allowed to fade away.
Believe me.........in time you will see how much better you will be for leaving those people behind. I know that leaving my 'family' behind enabled me to make a great life for myself and to find a husband who loved and respected me ............ for me.
If you want to get back at them.....don't.
There's an old saying that I've learned to live by...I hope it helps you as much as it's helped me..
"THE BEST REVENGE IS LIVING WELL"
And for the record......I am living very well.
Posted by: yoyoqn
Posted on: 2002-10-03 20:14:55
dear one........I have been there......and boy have I put up with that.
You deserve so much better. Don't wait for a better job.....the sooner you leave them the better for you and your sanity.
My family was the same way. Even though I don't even live in the same state as they do they still blame everything and I do mean everything on me.
You know.........Even Dr. Phil.......says forgiveness does not mean absolution.
You can forgive.....without ever going near them again. Like me.....I am sure you could never count on your 'family' to be there for you.
Sadly there are some relationships that can never be salvaged. relationships like that are better allowed to fade away.
Believe me.........in time you will see how much better you will be for leaving those people behind. I know that leaving my 'family' behind enabled me to make a great life for myself and to find a husband who loved and respected me ............ for me.
If you want to get back at them.....don't.
There's an old saying that I've learned to live by...I hope it helps you as much as it's helped me..
"THE BEST REVENGE IS LIVING WELL"
And for the record......I am living very well.
Yep!Yep!
Posted by: ny23la
Posted on: 2002-10-03 21:04:22
You are so right on the money!!!! Especially, about finding a husband and living your lives together. GIRL, THAT IS ONE OF MY DESIRE AS A YOUNG WOMAN IS TO HAVE A HUSBAND WHO RESPECT ME!!! I would be more than happen to leave my cousins and siblings alone but my mother is a hard one cause I search so long for her approval. But you are so right. Thanks
Posted by: ny23la
Posted on: 2002-10-03 21:04:22
You are so right on the money!!!! Especially, about finding a husband and living your lives together. GIRL, THAT IS ONE OF MY DESIRE AS A YOUNG WOMAN IS TO HAVE A HUSBAND WHO RESPECT ME!!! I would be more than happen to leave my cousins and siblings alone but my mother is a hard one cause I search so long for her approval. But you are so right. Thanks
