10/09 Controlling People
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10Why do I pick controlling men?
Posted by: abigailari
Posted on: 2002-10-09 09:15:47
The men I have dated have all been controlling. My husband of six years is controlling. Why do I do this to myself?
I now have more to lose if I leave him than I am willing to lose. I am a stay at home mother with three children.
How do I make this bearable and learn to ignore it?
Posted by: abigailari
Posted on: 2002-10-09 09:15:47
The men I have dated have all been controlling. My husband of six years is controlling. Why do I do this to myself?
I now have more to lose if I leave him than I am willing to lose. I am a stay at home mother with three children.
How do I make this bearable and learn to ignore it?
in reply to WHY DO I PICK CONTROLLING MEN?
Posted by: tashayar1
Posted on: 2002-10-09 09:29:54
if this is something you have allowed in all of your relationships you may have the need to be controlled it could be lack of esteem or the need of a father figure in your life
if you're in a relationship with a man who is controlling and you can't leave then you need to try to break the control little by little
are there areas that you feel you could assert more authority?
your husband may be controlling you because you're letting him
Posted by: tashayar1
Posted on: 2002-10-09 09:29:54
if this is something you have allowed in all of your relationships you may have the need to be controlled it could be lack of esteem or the need of a father figure in your life
if you're in a relationship with a man who is controlling and you can't leave then you need to try to break the control little by little
are there areas that you feel you could assert more authority?
your husband may be controlling you because you're letting him
In Reply to Why I Pick Controlling Men.
Posted by: shadow51
Posted on: 2002-10-09 15:13:23
I have to agree with Tashayarl, she is right and I am a man.
In general, not all woman but many do hook up with controlling men based on how their father's raised them. You may not want to admit it but its true. One step you may want to take is apply to get on Dr. Phil or find a good reality therapist to work with you and your husband.
Posted by: shadow51
Posted on: 2002-10-09 15:13:23
I have to agree with Tashayarl, she is right and I am a man.
In general, not all woman but many do hook up with controlling men based on how their father's raised them. You may not want to admit it but its true. One step you may want to take is apply to get on Dr. Phil or find a good reality therapist to work with you and your husband.
The Past
Posted by: star_rte_5
Posted on: 2002-10-10 00:27:39
Thanks Shadow51,
Your support is appreciated!
I spent alot of time trying to get close to my dad. What I didn't know but finally found out was that my mother was actually jealous if I did have his attention, so I was double-whammyed.
Just got away from a controller. Will cool out and then find out where I go from there, but history sure does seem to repeat itself.
Best,
Corinne
Posted by: star_rte_5
Posted on: 2002-10-10 00:27:39
Thanks Shadow51,
Your support is appreciated!
I spent alot of time trying to get close to my dad. What I didn't know but finally found out was that my mother was actually jealous if I did have his attention, so I was double-whammyed.
Just got away from a controller. Will cool out and then find out where I go from there, but history sure does seem to repeat itself.
Best,
Corinne
To Corinne
Posted by: shadow51
Posted on: 2002-10-10 08:39:25
Corinne,
You are very welcome. Glad to give you my insight based on work related experiences.
Posted by: shadow51
Posted on: 2002-10-10 08:39:25
Corinne,
You are very welcome. Glad to give you my insight based on work related experiences.
Posted by: sherryhole
Posted on: 2003-03-15 19:19:05
Makes sense to me that someone would pick a controlling man because they are unconciously looking for a father-figure...
You can change
Posted by: kmsangel
Posted on: 2002-10-09 15:36:46
I have a friend that is in controlling marriage. She has been married for over 19 years and though her children are teenagers, she also feels she can't leave because of the children. In the past few years that we have become friends, I have encouraged her to stand up to her husband and not allow him to brow beat her. Slowly but surely she is getting more respect from her husband. At one time when I visited her when we had just become friends, I could "feel" her fear when her husband entered the room. Recently I noticed that the fear I felt that day is no longer discernable though I believe she is still leary of him. I could really tell the difference in how she related to her husband. I know her situation is not as it should be, but at least she is now asking more for what she wants (thanks to Dr. Phil) and complaining less.
Posted by: kmsangel
Posted on: 2002-10-09 15:36:46
I have a friend that is in controlling marriage. She has been married for over 19 years and though her children are teenagers, she also feels she can't leave because of the children. In the past few years that we have become friends, I have encouraged her to stand up to her husband and not allow him to brow beat her. Slowly but surely she is getting more respect from her husband. At one time when I visited her when we had just become friends, I could "feel" her fear when her husband entered the room. Recently I noticed that the fear I felt that day is no longer discernable though I believe she is still leary of him. I could really tell the difference in how she related to her husband. I know her situation is not as it should be, but at least she is now asking more for what she wants (thanks to Dr. Phil) and complaining less.
response to abigail, you ask why
Posted by: evadevine
Posted on: 2002-10-09 19:53:34
I think the biggest problem is not why, but what you're asking of the message board readers... At the end of your comment, you ask "How do I make this bearable and learn to ignore it?" That's the problem. You and your husband have to commit to working at the relationship. You will kill your spirit, if you just try to "make it bearable and ignore it"! You have to ask yourself what it's costing you to be in that relationship. Not to mention what it may be costing your children. Just my opinion, I don't give advice.
Posted by: evadevine
Posted on: 2002-10-09 19:53:34
I think the biggest problem is not why, but what you're asking of the message board readers... At the end of your comment, you ask "How do I make this bearable and learn to ignore it?" That's the problem. You and your husband have to commit to working at the relationship. You will kill your spirit, if you just try to "make it bearable and ignore it"! You have to ask yourself what it's costing you to be in that relationship. Not to mention what it may be costing your children. Just my opinion, I don't give advice.
Posted by: waxorama
Posted on: 2002-10-10 07:49:24
You do not pick controlling men, they pick you as you are easy to control. Start to rebel a little against him, show him that you will not be controlled, unless of course you are deep down attracted to this type as you feel secure and loved as they are making decisions for you? What is the worst he can do? If it is violence, you know what to do.
Reply to: you don't pick controlling men
Posted by: shadow51
Posted on: 2002-10-10 09:40:06
No, I will disagree with you. You pick controlling people to be in your life based on evidence and research on family therapy. If you come from a controlling enviornment your chances are must grater to pick that type of enviornment. If you come from a controlling parents you are most likely will choose a controlling person to be in your life. If you come from a controlling father figure you are just are likely to pick on controlling men.
Remember, research also shows not everone will travel toward this behaviors and not everyone will choose controlling people who come from controlling enviornemnts.
also remember, we are talking about beliefs system. It all depends on your belief system. example: I little girl grows up and her father is very controlling towards her. He states she will never have a good life unless she marries a man like him. Here is her seed he planted within her belife system. 20 Years go by and she gets married, her hussband is a nice man 5 years go by and her husband begins to show contorlling behaviors. Now she will reinforce her own belifes based on his daily controlling behaviors. Thus, she becomes stuck in a life developed by her fathers verbal statements when she was a little girl.
I know this is a simple example but for argument it will do.
Posted by: shadow51
Posted on: 2002-10-10 09:40:06
No, I will disagree with you. You pick controlling people to be in your life based on evidence and research on family therapy. If you come from a controlling enviornment your chances are must grater to pick that type of enviornment. If you come from a controlling parents you are most likely will choose a controlling person to be in your life. If you come from a controlling father figure you are just are likely to pick on controlling men.
Remember, research also shows not everone will travel toward this behaviors and not everyone will choose controlling people who come from controlling enviornemnts.
also remember, we are talking about beliefs system. It all depends on your belief system. example: I little girl grows up and her father is very controlling towards her. He states she will never have a good life unless she marries a man like him. Here is her seed he planted within her belife system. 20 Years go by and she gets married, her hussband is a nice man 5 years go by and her husband begins to show contorlling behaviors. Now she will reinforce her own belifes based on his daily controlling behaviors. Thus, she becomes stuck in a life developed by her fathers verbal statements when she was a little girl.
I know this is a simple example but for argument it will do.
get help now
Posted by: wmaytag34
Posted on: 2002-10-11 02:56:01
Please get help now so your children will not learn this behavior. You must change this unhealthy relationship. Your loss will be so much more than you think if you choose to let things remain as they are now. God bless.
Posted by: wmaytag34
Posted on: 2002-10-11 02:56:01
Please get help now so your children will not learn this behavior. You must change this unhealthy relationship. Your loss will be so much more than you think if you choose to let things remain as they are now. God bless.
controlling people
Posted by: tulip61
Posted on: 2004-01-30 15:20:00
My husband is controlling sometimes. He wants me to do things his way. He wants me to agree with him and if I don't, he gets upset and says "I don't like your attitude" or "better get that bug out of your ***". Also,he uses emotional extortion to get his way and to manipulate. I usually don't ignore his comments,but when I stand up for myself he gets an attitude. I WILL NOT BE A VICTIM.
Posted by: tulip61
Posted on: 2004-01-30 15:20:00
My husband is controlling sometimes. He wants me to do things his way. He wants me to agree with him and if I don't, he gets upset and says "I don't like your attitude" or "better get that bug out of your ***". Also,he uses emotional extortion to get his way and to manipulate. I usually don't ignore his comments,but when I stand up for myself he gets an attitude. I WILL NOT BE A VICTIM.
Controlling Men
Posted by: bear35
Posted on: 2004-04-07 08:44:06
It looks like it's more important to you to be controlled by your husband than not. I say this because of your comment..."I have more to loose if I leave him". But as Dr. Phil said, is it really worth you loosing your dreams and identity? Are these worth less than your husbands? Here's a personal example that I am struggling with. My husband likes to try and control too. He handed me an ultimatum that if I were to move to a better job, in a better area of the country that is Dr. recommended for my son's health, to a better school district, with more money, better house, and my husband will also have a better job with a transfer with his company...he would divorce me. Why? Because he doesn't want to leave his home state. That's it. I told him that I'm sorry he feels the need to deliver an ultimatum, but this is important for ALL of us. I told him I would love him to come with me and I will help him adjust and support him. He knows my position now and even though he doesn't like it, the alternative of divorce and visitation rights maybe something that makes it less worth it for him to control me. I would like to hope that this will only strengthen his love and respect for me. Try it with your husband.
Posted by: bear35
Posted on: 2004-04-07 08:44:06
It looks like it's more important to you to be controlled by your husband than not. I say this because of your comment..."I have more to loose if I leave him". But as Dr. Phil said, is it really worth you loosing your dreams and identity? Are these worth less than your husbands? Here's a personal example that I am struggling with. My husband likes to try and control too. He handed me an ultimatum that if I were to move to a better job, in a better area of the country that is Dr. recommended for my son's health, to a better school district, with more money, better house, and my husband will also have a better job with a transfer with his company...he would divorce me. Why? Because he doesn't want to leave his home state. That's it. I told him that I'm sorry he feels the need to deliver an ultimatum, but this is important for ALL of us. I told him I would love him to come with me and I will help him adjust and support him. He knows my position now and even though he doesn't like it, the alternative of divorce and visitation rights maybe something that makes it less worth it for him to control me. I would like to hope that this will only strengthen his love and respect for me. Try it with your husband.
Tip for Kim
Posted by: totfree
Posted on: 2002-10-09 09:26:19
Get rid of that striped couch if you insist that the stripes always line up! Get something that will be easy to care for and you won't mind your boys sitting on! Get rid of things like this that drive you crazy. Your boys will be grown and gone, and you will wish they were lying on that couch again! Good luck.
Posted by: totfree
Posted on: 2002-10-09 09:26:19
Get rid of that striped couch if you insist that the stripes always line up! Get something that will be easy to care for and you won't mind your boys sitting on! Get rid of things like this that drive you crazy. Your boys will be grown and gone, and you will wish they were lying on that couch again! Good luck.
You are special
Posted by: dsaunde
Posted on: 2002-10-09 09:50:51
I was exactly like you for 31 yrs. I can relate to the exhaustion you feel. I wish peace for you. Let you house go a little it will be allright. Good luck!
Posted by: dsaunde
Posted on: 2002-10-09 09:50:51
I was exactly like you for 31 yrs. I can relate to the exhaustion you feel. I wish peace for you. Let you house go a little it will be allright. Good luck!
reformed neat freak
Posted by: grammyx3
Posted on: 2002-10-10 03:58:21
Dr. Phil was right when he said as you get older you will run out of steam. I used to drive everyone crazy with my neatness. Then my husband died and it wasn't important any more. Life is too short to drive you and those around you nuts! Now, I have reversed my habits to the point of being a little lax in my housekeeping, but I am also more relaxed and my friends haven't stopped liking me either. I'm just a happy ol' slob.
Posted by: grammyx3
Posted on: 2002-10-10 03:58:21
Dr. Phil was right when he said as you get older you will run out of steam. I used to drive everyone crazy with my neatness. Then my husband died and it wasn't important any more. Life is too short to drive you and those around you nuts! Now, I have reversed my habits to the point of being a little lax in my housekeeping, but I am also more relaxed and my friends haven't stopped liking me either. I'm just a happy ol' slob.
get A Couch, Dump the old futon
Posted by: chekymnky
Posted on: 2002-10-09 12:17:27
Maybe she should get a couch and dump the old futon, then she would not need to deal with the ugly striped cover...eccccch
Posted by: chekymnky
Posted on: 2002-10-09 12:17:27
Maybe she should get a couch and dump the old futon, then she would not need to deal with the ugly striped cover...eccccch
Kim
Posted by: boyohboy
Posted on: 2002-12-08 00:08:55
we are a bit behind in the shows over her
what i noticed about you is what a lovely Mum you were and how much your 2 boys adored you and they seemed happy, well adjusted boys to me and they live in a loving enviroment well done
Posted by: boyohboy
Posted on: 2002-12-08 00:08:55
we are a bit behind in the shows over her
what i noticed about you is what a lovely Mum you were and how much your 2 boys adored you and they seemed happy, well adjusted boys to me and they live in a loving enviroment well done
results of perfectionism
Posted by: dsaunde
Posted on: 2002-10-09 09:41:27
I am 32 yrs old. I have been a perfectionist all my life. In college, while in therapy, my counselor warned me to get it under control. I didn't listen. Two college degrees, a husband, and three children later, my perfectionism got the best of me. In March 2002 I had a full blown nervous breakdown and had to be hospitalized for 5 days. It was frightening because I was so afraid of losing my kids. My perfectionism has affected my children and I am so sorry for that. My hospitalization scared my children.... they are afraid I am going to leave again. Perfectionism IS a disease that needs to be monitored by those who really love you. My husband has been the best counselor I could have. Thank you Dr. Phil for discussing this issue.
Posted by: dsaunde
Posted on: 2002-10-09 09:41:27
I am 32 yrs old. I have been a perfectionist all my life. In college, while in therapy, my counselor warned me to get it under control. I didn't listen. Two college degrees, a husband, and three children later, my perfectionism got the best of me. In March 2002 I had a full blown nervous breakdown and had to be hospitalized for 5 days. It was frightening because I was so afraid of losing my kids. My perfectionism has affected my children and I am so sorry for that. My hospitalization scared my children.... they are afraid I am going to leave again. Perfectionism IS a disease that needs to be monitored by those who really love you. My husband has been the best counselor I could have. Thank you Dr. Phil for discussing this issue.
Help!
Posted by: loralynnb
Posted on: 2002-10-10 13:45:44
I too am a past perfectionist, have a masters, and 2 kids. I want everything to what I would consider "normal", but in a way that is asking for perfection. I am a very controlling person, and very frustrated if things don't go my way (optimally). How did you change? I now understand how I got here, and maybe where I want to be, but I don't know how to give up some of my control, how not to be upset if they don't do if "right", and how to hold back my anger/frustration. Thanks for any suggestions.
Posted by: loralynnb
Posted on: 2002-10-10 13:45:44
I too am a past perfectionist, have a masters, and 2 kids. I want everything to what I would consider "normal", but in a way that is asking for perfection. I am a very controlling person, and very frustrated if things don't go my way (optimally). How did you change? I now understand how I got here, and maybe where I want to be, but I don't know how to give up some of my control, how not to be upset if they don't do if "right", and how to hold back my anger/frustration. Thanks for any suggestions.
