10/21 Mother vs. Daughter

oh god-me and my mom!
Posted by: tracywwjd
Posted on: 2002-10-21 08:02:43

i haven't seen the show yet but let me tell you that me and my mom have a very unhealthy,destructive,hurtful,ongoing disfunctional relationship that at 31 I can no longer handle or tolerate and i'm sure she's feeling the same although she's always willing to keep the sicknees going.i know she's my mother but her sicknesses have spread to most if not all her children in some form or fashion and it is drainins emotionally and nothing changes.
OH God
Posted by: karenlyn4
Posted on: 2002-10-21 13:58:22

My husband wanted me to stay home today to watch this show - and I could have written your comment - however I am 46 and still going through this. However, most of my mothers problem is alcholism and the fact that her mother treated her terrible, so in her mind she can do the same to me - I guess it is the rights of passage. I finally had it out with my mom and it was ugly. But, we are e-mailing slowly and carefully. I don't have any friends that really have the same problems - it is hard!
Oh God reply
Posted by: elliston
Posted on: 2002-10-21 15:26:31

I can sympathize with your predicament. I too, had an alcoholic mother. It was terrible! On top of it all, she was abusing Valium. She went from a sweet mother one day to a ranting, raving, maniac another day. She died 17 years ago from lung cancer and we never did get to bury our differences. I do regret it to this day. For both of your sakes, please try to iron out your differences before it is too late. Life is too short to go on like this. Good luck
Same situation
Posted by: nana4three
Posted on: 2002-10-21 17:08:57

I too had a mother who was an alcoholic. We had a stormy realtionship when she was drinking, but when she was sobber, she was a loving & giving person. I guess the hardest thing I had to live with was the way she treated my dad. The things she called me & the hurtful things she did to me were one thing, but dad did everything for her, & she was very abbusive to him. This is why I wrote the Thank God message on the board, about my daughter & I. I made a promise to myself that if I had children, they would never go through what I did, with drinking.
Alcoholism
Posted by: shellyv
Posted on: 2002-10-21 19:34:34

I too have suffered the effects of alcoholism in the family. It was and is devistating. I have found support and people who have been through exactly what I have experienced at a self help program called Al-Anon. This group follows AA in format, but is for the people (me) who have been affected by another's drinking. It has turned a life or dealth situation around and given me strength I never though possible. It is free, and is not a cult1 Look them up in the phone book and be ready to receive an amazing gift.
Best Wishes
s
I am in Al-Anon too
Posted by: marialex
Posted on: 2003-01-01 17:00:15

It was been my salvation. For 15 years I go to get my serenity or at the very least keep it! I started a program at our college this past year and it is a slow start but am sure it will work out. There is a huge need for it there, I am asking GOD to direct them and they will come. I am thinking people are afraid to attend because that means they can never drink again themselves and that is not the case at all. If you have no porblems with alcohol then it is no problem, however having a family member drinking at every function/event/morning is not a fun time either. I chose not to drink and my daughter has had a better up bringing than I did, she is a responsible person and if she drinks she drinks in moderation. I went to my first meeting wanting to change someone and that someone turned out to be me!!
Oh God - response
Posted by: karenlyn4
Posted on: 2002-10-22 11:27:16

To nana4three - I have that same issue too - when my mother doesn't drink - she is funny and very giving. But she starts to drink about noon everyday - so it is hard to reach her or spend time with her not drinking. Also, the why she treats my dad too is horrible. Plus he has Parkinsons and she is scared to have to take care of him. Sometimes I think she is mean so he will leave so that she won't have to be the caregiver. This really makes me angry as he has taken such good care of her their entire married life. She never had to work or want anything. Then there is part of me that knows that she is drinking more because she is scared. I tried to talk to her about it - she still won't acknowledge that she has a drinking problem. I do have children - and I have one daughter who is grown - fortunately we have a very honest, loving relationship. Hopefully, we broke the cycle. I know that I made a conscience effort to not be like my mother. But I'm sure that my kids have some issues with me that I will hear about later. I guess we will all get through this - it is nice to know that we aren't alone.
feeling the pain
Posted by: angel1003
Posted on: 2004-03-05 22:40:30

My mother is a drug addict. She has been smoking pot for atleast 10 years. I do remember my mom as a loving caring mom, but as soon as the drug problem started so did many more. I left home and met my husband and we now have a handsome 3 year old little boy. My parents used to watch him while we worked and never in a million years did i ever think that my mom would smoke pot sitting beside my little boy but she did. My husband went to pick him up and there she was. My husband confronted her outside and she flipped (as usual). She told my husband to get my son and get the hell out. Well he did and that has been 2 years ago. We have not spoken since and she has not seen my son either. I can forgive about alot of things, but putting my son in a situation like that is just unforgivable. She now thinks that my husband and I are in the wrong, but deep down she knows she is. When and if she ever realizes what she did was wrong and apologizes to my son for putting him in such a dangerous situation, then maybe some day we will be able to be mom and daughter again. It's hard to cause I love my dad and little brother and cause of this problem, i can no longer go and see them. I love them so much, and yet I only get to see them maybe twice a month when they can come over here to visit. Would love to hear some advice.
Beware of the Grandparent Law
Posted by: jenkneem
Posted on: 2005-02-05 12:31:42

Watch your back because she could try to sue you for partial custody/visitaion under the Grandparents Law. Especially since you "cut her off"
Oh God Reply
Posted by: sheltiedog
Posted on: 2002-10-21 21:07:25

My Mother was not an alcoholic, but she was definitely cruel and abusive. She tried to mold me into what 'she' wanted me to be, and I became rebelious and left home at 15. I was an adopted child, and I think for the wrong reason as my mother seemed to have a need for me that translated into 'smotherlove.' She has been gone for many years now, and I didn't see or talk to her for about 10 years before that. I have never regretted it, and know to this day that I did the right thing.
Been there too
Posted by: judyt411
Posted on: 2002-11-02 16:12:12

As an adoptee with a mother who wanted to re-make us in her image I can understand where you've been! Its hard for some to understand that eventually you reach the point (for your own mental health) that the best for all involved is to walk away and put distance between the 2 of you!(500 miles in my case!).Harder was leaving a brother and sister ages 12 and 6 behind. They benefitted in one way....the friction was removed from their environment so they were allowed to be raised "normally". On the other hand they don't understand the 'mean-spirited'mother I talk about. The youngest sister even resents me to this day for 'deserting' her..38 yrs ago!! Which goes to show we can be different personalities to different people within the same family...sort like Mommy Dearest!!!!! I am a better person for the choice I made and would do it all over again if given the chance!
HEALING MYSELF DAY BY DAY
Posted by: milmarz
Posted on: 2002-10-21 15:42:49

Karenlyn, I have something of the opposite problem but maybe the same? You say, none of your friends are in the same boat. Maybe they are but their situation is reversed as mine. I'm 54. My mom was the controlling person. If mom ain't happy, she made sure nobody was happy-at least me.I thought dad didn't love me. foundout it was Mom that ruled the roost. He never said "no" to her except once and that was recently! I thought he had backbone but now, I'm not so sure. She grew up during the depression. Don't know if that had anything to do with it. I couldn't do anything to please her. No mom to daughter shopping or lunches til after I married at 30 yrs. She promised not to interfer in my marriage. Said that right after we were married. But oh the change. My love for her was still blind. I could go on and on. I'm sounding bitter now because I have woken up to what our relationship really is. She's alamost raised my boys since I had them and became so sick with Epilepsy right after I got married and then a few years later, the rheumatoid arthritis. Of course, my younger sister doesn't understand when I tell her things since she is 6 years younger than me. My brothers and I were out of the house in college, on our own by then. She was like an only child. So, I deal with it the best I can. Like, the show, the 2nd guest wondered who would take care of her mother. She felt an obligation. I didn't move to another city since my brothers and sister, all married before me, had moved far

Posted by: mollsydoll
Posted on: 2002-10-21 20:24:36

My mother is now 80, has cancer and other health issues, cannot drive anymore, wants to stay in her house, so her outlet is to call me between 5 and 15 times a day. I have to administer meds since she cannot keep her days/time straight, manage finances, there is no money for assisted living or nursing home and I've been unemployed since Nov of last year. I'm 50 years old, have no life, but do have great friends. If she calls and can't get me after leaving a message, she calls again and again. She called the police several weeks ago when she couldn't reach me. Telling her NO has not gotten through yet. My mother never did form any close friendships or connect with anyone other than being married and her children. It just wasn't in her upbringing. Oh yes, I have 2 brothers who provide no support either emotional or otherwise to her either. I have throught about running away, crawling in a hole and never coming out. At least I would be able to get some of my sanity back.

God help us all.
God will help you
Posted by: rubyalley
Posted on: 2002-10-22 19:33:45

I can understand your dilemma. I also have an 80 year old mother. She's got severe rheumatoid arthritis and suffers greatly from it. My mother was extremely controlling and abusive when I grew up. Life was miserable. I hated my relationship with her and I didn't like her. I dreaded going back home to visit her. Then I decided a change must be made. I realized that my mother isn't going to change. She is who she is. It was me that was going to have to change. That was huge for me. How was I ever going to do that. Because I was willing to make that change, I prayed about it and I've changed. I actually LISTEN to what my mom has to say. Since my attitude has changed towards her, I've seen a change in her. She no longer is controlling with me. We really enjoy each others company and now I make a concerted effort to visit her more often (we live in different states). I'm actually considering moving from my state to hers so that she can come and live with me, when she's ready to make that move. I don't want her in a nursing home, unless her health requires it. I want her last years to be the best - something she's never dreamed about. I have an older brother who has zero patience with her. She tries to be patient with him, but he doesn't handle it well. He doesn't speak to me much anymore because when he complains about her, I refuse to fall into his trap and I try to bring about the positives about her. The key here is you have to change, as hard as it may
If God Only Would.
Posted by: diana958
Posted on: 2002-10-22 22:39:10

Obviously from our comment titles we like to think of ourselves as christians. I am 46 and have been dealing with my mother forever and more so since my father's death in 92. Until recently, I felt that I was alone with this bad mother/daughter relationship. I don't remember ever loving my mother. She is controlling and critical and a very two-faced person. You say we have to be the one's who change. I believe it is true, because insanity is close by with the anger I feel on an everyday basis. Just hearing her voice on the phone angers me. You have definitely had the luxury of long distance between you. I have allowed the bitterness, anger and frustration she has caused to ruin any relationships I could have had at my church. My extended family believes the worst of me because I cannot handle her attitudes and phoney personality that she uses to get what she wants. The ball has definitely been in her court. She is the dear old lady (74)with all the health problems who only wants a little help. She insists on staying in her own home, cannot drive and I have had to shovel the place out a couple of times to make it liveable. I have had to fight and claw every inch to raise my two young daughters (now 13 and 16)these past 10 years versus being her constant step and fetch. I have a wonderful husband and a good relationship with both my daughters. I have to give my mother credit. She has taught me everything not to be for my own family.

Posted by: rubyalley
Posted on: 2002-10-26 20:10:50

Yes, well, I am a Christian. However, being a Christian doesn't prevent us from going through the pain that we endure. What it does is show us how to deal with it. I wouldn't call the long distance between my mother and me a luxury. Trust me, she use to be quite controlling and manipulating from a 1,000 miles away. Mothers seem to be quite influential, whether it be good or bad. You are fortunate that you do have the support of your husband and that you can now enjoy a good relationship with your daughters. Be careful, your relationship with your daughters can change. I have 2 daughters also, with whom I'm very proud of. My oldest one is very loving, kind - the kind you really enjoy being around. The youngest has taken quite a turn and has been very hurtful to me. I've chosen to let her find her own space (she's 23)hoping she'll come around. You never know. I just know it's best not to do anything or say anything to your mother or your children that will come back to bite you. Good luck to you.
Finding peace
Posted by: nannettern
Posted on: 2002-11-06 16:12:50

I know all about being the bad one who no longer enjoys a phoney, evil-spirited mother. My only living sister and
I haven't communicated with our parents for almost 2 years. After the initial adjustment, I have found a peace I didn't even know existed. My mom wanted me to do everything and be everything she didn't take the chance to. In the process, everything I did was wrong to her. I grew up with constant criticism,yelling,disrespect,etc. I would love to have all those years back. I could honestly write a book about growing up with dysfunctional parents who are in total denial. I don't regret for a single second cutting my baggage free.
I so hear you
Posted by: wingnutt52
Posted on: 2004-07-08 08:11:04

nannettern, I just found these boards and it's like I'm finally among friends...you are describing my situation to a tee. My parents divorced when I was 14 and remarried almost immediately, they were both very distant people who are in denial about what this did to the 5 kids involved. My relationship with my mother was exactly like yours...unless I lived my life exactly as she wanted I was "a bad daughter" needless to say it did not make for a great life...she hated my husband because she didn't pick him and never had anything to say to me that wasn't deflating. Two years ago I reconnected with my father (we hadn't had contact for 16 years) she had a complete meltdown...just can't describe it...we haven't spoken since except for a few horrible encounters...what I am trying to get to is I feel the same as you...pure relief,of course I deal with the fact that she has managed to poison my brother and sister's relationship with me...but since the divorce there wasn't much there anyway...oh by the way I am 52 years old and have lived with this since 1966...but as I look back I realize she has been this way my whole life...still very hard...I am getting so much from these boards...allowing myself to lose the guilt, you know...the how could you do this to me you are ruining my life and health guilt...I am finally understanding that I can't fix HER just me...and I intend to spend the rest of my one life doing that...
God Does Know
Posted by: momx4girls
Posted on: 2003-01-01 20:29:22

My mother and sister make me feel like a 3rd wheel when I'm around them. I am also 46 and my sister is 10 yrs younger and very close to my mother. They do everything together. I live 45 mins away and have trouble getting to see my mother once a month. My sister recently accused me of "not being there for Mom." My biggest problem is my sister's selfishness. Mom financially contributes to her life almost daily and they both lie to me about it. They think I don't see it. My husband & I make good money but we are remodeling and could also use some help now and then to get the extra things done. We are more frugal with our spending and our gifts to our 4 growing girls, 19, 15, 12 & 9. My sister and I were trying to plan a surprise party for Mom and really celebrate big. She agreed with every detail,
until she figured the cost. She then got angry with me, claimed that it was not her idea, that I was trying to control this party and that she would not have any part of my idea. I insisted that I would pay for her agreed half. She refused & accused me of trying to make up for lost time since I've not been there for mom like she has over the years. I lived in 3 different states with my family while hubby prepared for ministry and then pastored several churches. We did, however, travel home to be with parents twice each year for 2 weeks each visit (summer & Christmas) We did not take many other vacations since it was important to see grandparents.Mom will be70.
Ready to run away or commit suicide
Posted by: natskid
Posted on: 2002-10-28 21:21:24

I can relate to Mollysdol--my mother is 87-senile enough to be constantly confused, but won't admit to it. She is constantly verbally attacking me over every little thing I try to do for her.Tonight it was because I have arranged for a care taker to come in during the night. She thinks she should just come to our home and we should give up our cats so she can bring her dog--(who attacks our cats). She can get as nasty as banshee, and just tears into me without caring how much she hurts me. She just expects that my husband and I should just give up our lives and adapt to her wants and desires--the way she wants it to be, not any thought to the fact that it would completely take over our lives. She can be as sharp tongues as a dragon, and cruel in her words to me. To my husband she is the "sweet old thing". I am an only child and this is affecting my health. I have been thinking lately that I may be having a heart attack, but no such luck. I am getting to the point of contemplating suicide, it seems like the only way out that I can "live with it".
I cry constantly, dread every single minuet I have to give to her or be wth her, and I truly don't know what to do.
And suggestions?
Worn out physically and emotional bankrupt!!
Judy