09/20 Dr. Phil's How To...
1 | 2 | 3 | 4Spoiled Children
Posted by: csimmons13
Posted on: 2002-09-19 07:56:20
I was married for 18 years and my husband and I had a decent income, enough for me to buy my kids deisigner clothes and most things they wanted and money for them to go places and do things they wanted to do. Then, one day my ex-husband came in and out of the blue said he could no longer be married to me. Who would have thought! Then of course I was left with all the bills, house payment, car payment, children and what was their usual life style. No child support or support of any kind except thank goodness for the good job I had, but still not good enough to keep up with all the things my children were used to. They both resent their father for what he did and now after 5 years he wants a relationship with them and they are not ready to accept him back into their lives. We have recovered after bankruptcy and changes in life styles, the loss of our home and other things. There was no way to expect what was going to happen and one day you think you have a fairly normal home and children and the next it is all different and you have to deal with it all by yourself, all my family lived out of town, and church friends didn't come around because they didn't want to take sides, so who was there me Mom and I.
Posted by: csimmons13
Posted on: 2002-09-19 07:56:20
I was married for 18 years and my husband and I had a decent income, enough for me to buy my kids deisigner clothes and most things they wanted and money for them to go places and do things they wanted to do. Then, one day my ex-husband came in and out of the blue said he could no longer be married to me. Who would have thought! Then of course I was left with all the bills, house payment, car payment, children and what was their usual life style. No child support or support of any kind except thank goodness for the good job I had, but still not good enough to keep up with all the things my children were used to. They both resent their father for what he did and now after 5 years he wants a relationship with them and they are not ready to accept him back into their lives. We have recovered after bankruptcy and changes in life styles, the loss of our home and other things. There was no way to expect what was going to happen and one day you think you have a fairly normal home and children and the next it is all different and you have to deal with it all by yourself, all my family lived out of town, and church friends didn't come around because they didn't want to take sides, so who was there me Mom and I.
moving on
Posted by: cornikjad
Posted on: 2002-09-20 19:34:31
i liked your story and felt it was hartwarming. i had a similar experiance like your children i choose not to talk to my father because its the best situation for me. i wish my 8 month old could know her other side as well as her grandfather but, i know it probably would be better if she didn't. to you, its nice to hear that you've decided to move on and press forward
Posted by: cornikjad
Posted on: 2002-09-20 19:34:31
i liked your story and felt it was hartwarming. i had a similar experiance like your children i choose not to talk to my father because its the best situation for me. i wish my 8 month old could know her other side as well as her grandfather but, i know it probably would be better if she didn't. to you, its nice to hear that you've decided to move on and press forward
very sorry, but it is history, a canceled check
Posted by: lizard013
Posted on: 2002-09-20 19:51:02
first, how did husband get out of paying child support. you are now at a better place in life, bankruptcy gone, good job, have your life back together again, and children love you. if you ex-husband wants back in childrens life, let children make that decission. everything that happend is now history, all in the past, and if you dwell on this, your hurting no one but yourself. i bet your ex has carried on, and believe me, he is not worried about you. his guilt is what is bothering him. you have done your best and should have a guilt free heart. remember, he has to live with himself, and for what you have told in letter, it will eat him up for the rest of his life. there is a little saying--WHEN YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT IN YOUR STRUGGLE FOR SELF AND THE WORLD MAKES YOU "KING FOR A DAY,"JUST GO TO THE MIRROR AND LOOK AT YOURSELF AND SEE WHAT THE MAN HAS TO SAY. good luck
Posted by: lizard013
Posted on: 2002-09-20 19:51:02
first, how did husband get out of paying child support. you are now at a better place in life, bankruptcy gone, good job, have your life back together again, and children love you. if you ex-husband wants back in childrens life, let children make that decission. everything that happend is now history, all in the past, and if you dwell on this, your hurting no one but yourself. i bet your ex has carried on, and believe me, he is not worried about you. his guilt is what is bothering him. you have done your best and should have a guilt free heart. remember, he has to live with himself, and for what you have told in letter, it will eat him up for the rest of his life. there is a little saying--WHEN YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT IN YOUR STRUGGLE FOR SELF AND THE WORLD MAKES YOU "KING FOR A DAY,"JUST GO TO THE MIRROR AND LOOK AT YOURSELF AND SEE WHAT THE MAN HAS TO SAY. good luck
spoiled children
Posted by: lizard013
Posted on: 2002-09-20 20:10:40
first, how did husband get out of paying child support. you are now at a better place in life, bankruptcy gone, good job, have your life back together again, and children love you. if you ex-husband wants back in childrens life, let children make that decission. everything that happend is now history, all in the past, and if you dwell on this, your hurting no one but yourself. i bet your ex has carried on, and believe me, he is not worried about you. his guilt is what is bothering him. you have done your best and should have a guilt free heart. remember, he has to live with himself, and for what you have told in letter, it will eat him up for the rest of his life. there is a little saying--WHEN YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT IN YOUR STRUGGLE FOR SELF AND THE WORLD MAKES YOU "KING FOR A DAY,"JUST GO TO THE MIRROR AND LOOK AT YOURSELF AND SEE WHAT THE MAN HAS TO SAY. good luck-csimmons13
Posted by: lizard013
Posted on: 2002-09-20 20:10:40
first, how did husband get out of paying child support. you are now at a better place in life, bankruptcy gone, good job, have your life back together again, and children love you. if you ex-husband wants back in childrens life, let children make that decission. everything that happend is now history, all in the past, and if you dwell on this, your hurting no one but yourself. i bet your ex has carried on, and believe me, he is not worried about you. his guilt is what is bothering him. you have done your best and should have a guilt free heart. remember, he has to live with himself, and for what you have told in letter, it will eat him up for the rest of his life. there is a little saying--WHEN YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT IN YOUR STRUGGLE FOR SELF AND THE WORLD MAKES YOU "KING FOR A DAY,"JUST GO TO THE MIRROR AND LOOK AT YOURSELF AND SEE WHAT THE MAN HAS TO SAY. good luck-csimmons13
perfectionist
Posted by: edeeree
Posted on: 2002-09-20 10:29:33
This young woman needs to know that her friends are really not admiring her. They may be saying "you have it so together, your house is so well kept, blah, blah, blah" I can guarantee when they leave, they are saying "Oh my god, what is her problem? Does she need to get a life or what?" First of all, get some new friends, that will be honest with you. There is the AA philosophy that the only thing you can control is yourself. I hope she got the message, but I don't think so.
Posted by: edeeree
Posted on: 2002-09-20 10:29:33
This young woman needs to know that her friends are really not admiring her. They may be saying "you have it so together, your house is so well kept, blah, blah, blah" I can guarantee when they leave, they are saying "Oh my god, what is her problem? Does she need to get a life or what?" First of all, get some new friends, that will be honest with you. There is the AA philosophy that the only thing you can control is yourself. I hope she got the message, but I don't think so.
I agree with ederee
Posted by: appleks
Posted on: 2002-09-20 19:05:30
Hi: I agree with you edeeree. This lady nees to use the AA philosophy that the only thing you can control is yourself. The fact that she judges others and was sitting in the green room (quiet) and just taking things in. Her perception of other people's flaws. She must see everyone's flaws.
This would be a good person to write a "Twilight Zone" show about!
Posted by: appleks
Posted on: 2002-09-20 19:05:30
Hi: I agree with you edeeree. This lady nees to use the AA philosophy that the only thing you can control is yourself. The fact that she judges others and was sitting in the green room (quiet) and just taking things in. Her perception of other people's flaws. She must see everyone's flaws.
This would be a good person to write a "Twilight Zone" show about!
oCD
Posted by: essacal
Posted on: 2003-01-03 00:34:57
The AA program does not fix all problems. This poor woman suffers from OCD, as Dr. Phil mentioned at the end. With OCD you can't control your thoughts. She even said she wanted to stop what she was doing. OCD can't be fixed with an AA step or with 15 minutes with Dr. Phil. This gal needs therapy and probably medication.
Posted by: essacal
Posted on: 2003-01-03 00:34:57
The AA program does not fix all problems. This poor woman suffers from OCD, as Dr. Phil mentioned at the end. With OCD you can't control your thoughts. She even said she wanted to stop what she was doing. OCD can't be fixed with an AA step or with 15 minutes with Dr. Phil. This gal needs therapy and probably medication.
Perfectionist
Posted by: tunifer
Posted on: 2002-09-20 19:07:23
I completely agree with edeeree. My best friend is a perfectionist and most people have learned just to go around her and do what they want. She is so bad that her adult, married children bring their laundry and drop it at her house for her to do. When I have asked why she doesn't let them do their own work her comment is "I just can't stand to see it when it's not done right"
Posted by: tunifer
Posted on: 2002-09-20 19:07:23
I completely agree with edeeree. My best friend is a perfectionist and most people have learned just to go around her and do what they want. She is so bad that her adult, married children bring their laundry and drop it at her house for her to do. When I have asked why she doesn't let them do their own work her comment is "I just can't stand to see it when it's not done right"
perfectionist
Posted by: frogger_63
Posted on: 2003-01-01 21:23:11
I also agree with the other people about someone being a perfectionist , it's ok to be perfect about some things but not everything and if a person trys to be they can be a very unhappy person to themselfs and to other people around them .some time you need to just not worry about how everyting looks or even trying to always be right . people need to learn how to relax more often .
Posted by: frogger_63
Posted on: 2003-01-01 21:23:11
I also agree with the other people about someone being a perfectionist , it's ok to be perfect about some things but not everything and if a person trys to be they can be a very unhappy person to themselfs and to other people around them .some time you need to just not worry about how everyting looks or even trying to always be right . people need to learn how to relax more often .
So true!
Posted by: ramalama
Posted on: 2002-09-20 20:03:41
That young woman had "vacant" eyes and seems to me like she's in deep trouble if she is constantly critical, and needs everything to be perfect at all times. Dr. Phil hit the nail on the head when he said that by the time a woman reaches her 40's or 50's you just can't keep all the balls up in the air at once, and they can all come crashing down.
I really hope she listened, but the vacant look in her eyes never left throughout the whole segment. I know she was critiqueing his every word, and I even saw a smirk close to the surface.
Did this woman have children? If she does, I feel sorry for them, and if she doesn't, I hope she doesn't have any untill she gets herself on the right track. I wish Dr. Phil would have asked her if her mother was just like her. It's so often the case.
Posted by: ramalama
Posted on: 2002-09-20 20:03:41
That young woman had "vacant" eyes and seems to me like she's in deep trouble if she is constantly critical, and needs everything to be perfect at all times. Dr. Phil hit the nail on the head when he said that by the time a woman reaches her 40's or 50's you just can't keep all the balls up in the air at once, and they can all come crashing down.
I really hope she listened, but the vacant look in her eyes never left throughout the whole segment. I know she was critiqueing his every word, and I even saw a smirk close to the surface.
Did this woman have children? If she does, I feel sorry for them, and if she doesn't, I hope she doesn't have any untill she gets herself on the right track. I wish Dr. Phil would have asked her if her mother was just like her. It's so often the case.
perfectionist
Posted by: tnchic
Posted on: 2002-09-21 00:41:25
I watched the show and said, "Gosh, I am that woman, thats me!" But it will not help change me just made me realize it even though I knew. It does make me happy to be in control. I am a people watcher and very critical. But I am hard on myself, God knows how many faults I have. I just expect people to be so much better. It really bugs me when things arent done right. Right for me anyway. I just think my way is better. I get mad at myself for this but I think its just who a person is and the way they are brought up. I think I would be unhappy to change.
Posted by: tnchic
Posted on: 2002-09-21 00:41:25
I watched the show and said, "Gosh, I am that woman, thats me!" But it will not help change me just made me realize it even though I knew. It does make me happy to be in control. I am a people watcher and very critical. But I am hard on myself, God knows how many faults I have. I just expect people to be so much better. It really bugs me when things arent done right. Right for me anyway. I just think my way is better. I get mad at myself for this but I think its just who a person is and the way they are brought up. I think I would be unhappy to change.
I Understand
Posted by: affleck
Posted on: 2002-12-26 23:48:52
I am like you! That is me. I don;t like that it is me, but I think if it is not done my way, it is not right. I can' stand to let my husband try to do things that I have to explain to him how to do because I might as well do it myself. It would be easier than worrying about it the whole time. I used to be an underachiever and now I have flipped out and went the total opposite direction. But for the critical part, I am more critical of myself than I am anyone. Nobody could ever be as hard on me as I am. I just wish I could chill out!
Posted by: affleck
Posted on: 2002-12-26 23:48:52
I am like you! That is me. I don;t like that it is me, but I think if it is not done my way, it is not right. I can' stand to let my husband try to do things that I have to explain to him how to do because I might as well do it myself. It would be easier than worrying about it the whole time. I used to be an underachiever and now I have flipped out and went the total opposite direction. But for the critical part, I am more critical of myself than I am anyone. Nobody could ever be as hard on me as I am. I just wish I could chill out!
Vacant Eyes Gone for One Moment
Posted by: racheldevn
Posted on: 2002-09-21 05:01:57
I agree with your comment about the "vacant eyes". I watched her body language throughout the discussion. She was so "uptight and ramrod straight that I felt sorry for her. It was as if she had this rigid wall around her to protect her against the whole world.
There was one moment when her her eyes melted just a drop, when Dr. Phil first started talking to her about trusting herself, about having faith that she had the strength to deal with what would happen if she weren't in total control and most of all when he said that HE had faith in her! Maybe no one else every had felt that way about her.
No one gets that rigid without being awfully afraid of someone or something and she had to learn that response somewhere. I just think that there's a lot more to her story.
Posted by: racheldevn
Posted on: 2002-09-21 05:01:57
I agree with your comment about the "vacant eyes". I watched her body language throughout the discussion. She was so "uptight and ramrod straight that I felt sorry for her. It was as if she had this rigid wall around her to protect her against the whole world.
There was one moment when her her eyes melted just a drop, when Dr. Phil first started talking to her about trusting herself, about having faith that she had the strength to deal with what would happen if she weren't in total control and most of all when he said that HE had faith in her! Maybe no one else every had felt that way about her.
No one gets that rigid without being awfully afraid of someone or something and she had to learn that response somewhere. I just think that there's a lot more to her story.
control???????
Posted by: suzyjo
Posted on: 2002-09-21 06:53:24
I felt so bad for that lady ! No one knows what she's feeling unless they've got the same problem...it's an awful thing to deal with and it isn't that she's trying to be a control freak. True case of O.C.D. !! It's not as simple as "telling her to stop", it can't happen that way. Dr. Phil did address one thing about it correct....Once you get older, you can't keep up the pace and it's torture because you still want things to be done "RIGHT" and it overwhelms you that it can't all can't happen. I'm in that spot now and trust me...if it was as easy as he made it sound.......I'd be fixing it !!!!!
Posted by: suzyjo
Posted on: 2002-09-21 06:53:24
I felt so bad for that lady ! No one knows what she's feeling unless they've got the same problem...it's an awful thing to deal with and it isn't that she's trying to be a control freak. True case of O.C.D. !! It's not as simple as "telling her to stop", it can't happen that way. Dr. Phil did address one thing about it correct....Once you get older, you can't keep up the pace and it's torture because you still want things to be done "RIGHT" and it overwhelms you that it can't all can't happen. I'm in that spot now and trust me...if it was as easy as he made it sound.......I'd be fixing it !!!!!
Perfectionis/critiqueing EVERYTHING
Posted by: szzwood
Posted on: 2002-09-21 20:52:34
I SO agree with ramalama that the "perfectionist" was critiqueing Dr. Phil's EVERY word. I saw the same thing you saw. Dr. Phil saw & felt it all too. I could almost read his mind. He KNEW that she was critisizing everything that came out of his mouth, and I give him a ton of credit for dealing with her. Can you imagine living with her???? Her husband was such a great guy, and had such a great sense of humor about himself, and I honestly think he must be a saint to live with someone like her. Can you imagine having her as your boss at work??? NIGHTMARE!! I agree that she had blank (sad) eyes, but at the same time she was definately smirking. That particular segment really made me laugh a lot, I was laughing out loud at Dr. Phil and the way we dealt with it. I really do adore that man!!! I sure hope she doesn't have children. The bottom line is truly I feel very sorry for her. Dr. Phil said a lot of things that made total sense to me, and helped me in my daily life. It would be extremely interesting to know what her childhood was like...............................??
Posted by: szzwood
Posted on: 2002-09-21 20:52:34
I SO agree with ramalama that the "perfectionist" was critiqueing Dr. Phil's EVERY word. I saw the same thing you saw. Dr. Phil saw & felt it all too. I could almost read his mind. He KNEW that she was critisizing everything that came out of his mouth, and I give him a ton of credit for dealing with her. Can you imagine living with her???? Her husband was such a great guy, and had such a great sense of humor about himself, and I honestly think he must be a saint to live with someone like her. Can you imagine having her as your boss at work??? NIGHTMARE!! I agree that she had blank (sad) eyes, but at the same time she was definately smirking. That particular segment really made me laugh a lot, I was laughing out loud at Dr. Phil and the way we dealt with it. I really do adore that man!!! I sure hope she doesn't have children. The bottom line is truly I feel very sorry for her. Dr. Phil said a lot of things that made total sense to me, and helped me in my daily life. It would be extremely interesting to know what her childhood was like...............................??
couldn't agree more
Posted by: kaykaysc
Posted on: 2002-09-28 11:34:36
When Dr. Phil said that about being in your 40's and 50's and it all comes crashing down, I saw (briefly) myself...I gave up perfectionism as futile years ago thanks to a 12-step program. However, I saw my mother in a clear light. She always has been a perfectionist and very controlling. She is now in her 70's and since she cannot control myself or my brother or my children, it is drving her literally to distraction. I am very concerned for her mental health. She had resorted to thinking she can control the type and kind of treatment my daughter is getting for her breast cancer....that it has to be just like hers was 20 years ago. I have had to distance myself from the situation. It is better for my mental health. Hard isn't it...to think of one's self above everything?
Posted by: kaykaysc
Posted on: 2002-09-28 11:34:36
When Dr. Phil said that about being in your 40's and 50's and it all comes crashing down, I saw (briefly) myself...I gave up perfectionism as futile years ago thanks to a 12-step program. However, I saw my mother in a clear light. She always has been a perfectionist and very controlling. She is now in her 70's and since she cannot control myself or my brother or my children, it is drving her literally to distraction. I am very concerned for her mental health. She had resorted to thinking she can control the type and kind of treatment my daughter is getting for her breast cancer....that it has to be just like hers was 20 years ago. I have had to distance myself from the situation. It is better for my mental health. Hard isn't it...to think of one's self above everything?
To Ramalama
Posted by: milmarz
Posted on: 2002-12-26 20:22:56
I never heard that before that daughters can become perfectionists too. However, in thinking about it, my sister is one just like my mom. I could never please her. At church, she's so demanding. Some people think she's the greatest, some don't. Is this a sickness? I never thought about it that way since she was always putting me down and now of course, my perfectionist sister. I don't make my husband miserable though like they do. Thanks for the enlightenment. Perhaps, that's what 'Like mother, like daughter" can mean too as well as the opposite.
Posted by: milmarz
Posted on: 2002-12-26 20:22:56
I never heard that before that daughters can become perfectionists too. However, in thinking about it, my sister is one just like my mom. I could never please her. At church, she's so demanding. Some people think she's the greatest, some don't. Is this a sickness? I never thought about it that way since she was always putting me down and now of course, my perfectionist sister. I don't make my husband miserable though like they do. Thanks for the enlightenment. Perhaps, that's what 'Like mother, like daughter" can mean too as well as the opposite.
DrP's hormone remark
Posted by: becksam
Posted on: 2002-12-26 17:37:45
I love it when Dr Phil gets to the core of other people's problems, but I hate it when he zeroes in on mine! Those remarks about us super-controllers (in my CPA days that would have been a complement!) running out of steam as a result of age and hormones was right on target ... I liked it better when I could juggle a place setting for 12.
Posted by: becksam
Posted on: 2002-12-26 17:37:45
I love it when Dr Phil gets to the core of other people's problems, but I hate it when he zeroes in on mine! Those remarks about us super-controllers (in my CPA days that would have been a complement!) running out of steam as a result of age and hormones was right on target ... I liked it better when I could juggle a place setting for 12.
Hormone Remark, Wow!
Posted by: onmyjourny
Posted on: 2002-12-27 08:06:43
The hormone remark made my day...I thought it was only me! AND the Obessive Compulsive remark...that's me, too. It is worse as I get older. I disagree w/the remark about Perfectionist being selfish (from Dr. Phil), however. I am a perfectionist and I am very unselfish.
Posted by: onmyjourny
Posted on: 2002-12-27 08:06:43
The hormone remark made my day...I thought it was only me! AND the Obessive Compulsive remark...that's me, too. It is worse as I get older. I disagree w/the remark about Perfectionist being selfish (from Dr. Phil), however. I am a perfectionist and I am very unselfish.
