09/24 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

Im in the same boat
Posted by: qutzbear
Posted on: 2002-09-24 09:07:47

I have been married going on 4 years and my sex life is almost non existent. I some times wonder if it is all me because i will turn him down in a heart beat but when i want it hes not in the mood. I have been pregnant and nursing all but 8 months of my marriage.. And I am wondering if that has a lot to do with it or it is my past sex life that is interfiring with my drive?
Can you help me?
POWER
Posted by: rodney21_u
Posted on: 2002-09-24 10:31:52

Hey this is Rod from the show, it sounds like a minor power struggle for you to turn him down and then for him to do the same when you are in the mood. Been there done that. Also from personal experience I can say that sometimes we get jealous of our children for the time they dominate with our wives. I know its bad to say that but its true. You should try to set some time aside for each other, like a schedule, where everything is about the two of you. It may give you something to look forward too and he will know exactly when his free time with you is. May help build the anticipation. Of course, you may have much deeper issues that could explain more, but without all those details try making plans and being creative - whipcream after a nice dinner. And I dont mean whipcream in a cup, wink wink.
Been there, doing that right now!
Posted by: prostock69
Posted on: 2002-09-24 11:40:21

qutzbear, I've been married for 4 years and been pg and nursing for the past 3. As a matter of fact, I'm 9 mos pg right now with our 3rd child and I have no sexdrive at all. Mine is all hormone related and add that my back and pelvis area is so painful that I can barely move, you can understand why I don't want to have sex.

My poor husband has been turned down a lot lately but totally understands why. He's very sympathetic to my condition as I am to his (he's a chronic migraine sufferer and there have been times when I wanted it and he didn't because of his headaches) So he understands when you don't feel like, you don't feel like it.

But as soon as I have this baby in 4 weeks, and I lose some of the weight, I'm going to take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and get it back on track. I've bought sextoys, sex books and other things that husband doesn't know about to aide in this endeavor. Lord knows, I'm going to need help, especially while breastfeeding. You do know when you breastfeed it lowers your estrogen which is the major contributor to our sexdrive, hormonal wise.

Posted by: naommi
Posted on: 2002-09-25 07:50:37

Dear Prostock69,
Not to add any more pressure on your desire to take the bull by the horns, but...
I was taught in a psychology class, that testosterone is the hormone attributed with sex drive for both men and women.
We have testosterone too, but not as much a male.
Can anyone correct me?
Also, just the thought of you having 2 small children, breastfeeding, and 9 months pregnant...I say...WOW! And you still can coherantly communicate your thoughts?(ha,ha) God amazes me with how much strength he can give a woman. Seems to me, he could endow the man with the ability to understand and HELP, so he's tired too. Just a thought. Keep up the good stuff, don't sweat the bad. Children do grow up.
Best wishes,
Naommi
Thanks, Naommi
Posted by: prostock69
Posted on: 2002-09-25 13:15:55

for your kind comments. All I know is that when you breastfeed, especially in the beginning when the baby is feeding very often, a woman's estrogen lowers dramatically which can keep our periods from comming back which means no ovulation. This alone contributes to a lowered sexdrive, at least in my case. And I know there are other hormones involved to such as testosterone. I don't think I have very much of that right now.

Anyways, I patiently waiting for this baby so I can get back to my normal self which I haven't had the pleasure of knowing for 3 years now.

Peace
I understand totally...
Posted by: darbymom7
Posted on: 2004-01-30 17:14:07

I have 7 great children. three by marriage, and 4 by birth..the youngest being 7mths old, and our oldest is 10.
I homeschool too, so I do understand what the word TIRED means.

My dh works 11 hr days six days a week from now til tax season is over (tax software development and support) so he is very tired when he gets home.

Just the same, we have dropped to about once every two wks, and its just not enough for me.
I wasnt complaining at all when I was bfeeding, as I was just not interested, but within a week or two of weaning my baby, I was rearin to go, and dh just isnt in the mood.

I really feel awful about it, like I am just not worth the effort, because I know if something happened, one of the kids was sick, or something like that, he would/could muster the energy to deal with whatever hit us. He had to do it last year when our 8 yr old had a bleed on the brain and was in PICU four days before tax season ended. But it says very loudly, that if it was REALLY important, he could find the energy to do it, but that my needs just arent important.
:(

I have tried lots of creative things, and I am willing to give as well as take, but he just doesnt care. I wonder about testosterone levels and if he needs to see the doctor, but dont know that he would, as it would offend him if I even mentioned the thought.

Glad to know I am not alone. Thanks for sharing ya'll.
testosterone
Posted by: kmmwjb
Posted on: 2003-01-02 20:24:56

Men have about 10-15 times more testosterone (T) then women; this hormone essentially differentiates the sex. The role in T in female libido is uncertain but the scientific literature suggests that deficiency in T in relation to estrogen (female sex hromone)reduces female sex drive.
not just T
Posted by: renald
Posted on: 2003-01-08 13:30:45

Sometimes it is levels of hormones, etc.
I feel in the circumstances on the show, and IN MY OWN MARRIAGE AS WIFE, this is all is a power issue. Why would a sex drive be fine bfore marriage and after a contract of marriage, all of a sudden, SOMEONE IS COLD. WHAT A DEAL BREAKER!!!
in the same boat
Posted by: eharris313
Posted on: 2003-01-29 18:43:43

I am not a expert. I am the message Divorce. It's not you. It's that man have to have it when they want it. they are not emontinal like us. I know its hard. I feel that every woman wants to feel special, important in a man's world. But they are #1.They are selfish.
In the same boat
Posted by: drfreeze17
Posted on: 2005-06-03 16:13:23

Hello.
I need s little help fom some one out there or even DR. Phill.
Im 34/m and I have been maried for 12years now . I have 2 kids 11,5. My sex life is realy bad. We mabey have sex 1 time a month. My wife just dont seem very intrestd in it any more. I do about 89% of the cooking and doing dishes every day,pick up the house,giving the kids a bath every night and puting them to bed. I work 8hr at work every day.She just comes home and lays in her bed and watches tv eat's dinner in there to. then 3-4 days out of the wee she gose shopping with her girl friend.
Im frustrated and Im on my last leg.
I need some help please!!!!
Been in both senarios
Posted by: luvlivs
Posted on: 2002-09-24 10:01:48

My first husband lived in "emotional vacuum".If I didn't initiate...it didn't happen. I waited as long as 6 months at a time before I would give in. He would kiss the dog before he would kiss me when he came home. Ultimately, the marraige dissolved. My self worth was non-exsistant except that I was a great Mom and a hard worker at my job. With the help of a therapist I was able to see myself as the loving person I always knew I was.
I am now married to the MOST WONDERFUL man alive. He is very demonstrative and verbal about his love, respect and passion for me...and it is ALL THE TIME!!
With the onset of progressive MS I am not always at the same energy level he is, but the love doesn't depend on that. He will express his disapointment if I'm not "in the mood", but the love doesn't stop there. I would much rather him tell me he's disappointed and even mope a little when we can't be intimate, than to lead me to believe it doesn't matter. We never let the differences in our drive determine who we are. Two people who love and respect each other.
our sex drives differ
Posted by: sweet300
Posted on: 2002-09-24 12:06:23

my husband is 45 an i am 30 we have been together sense i was 25,an our sex drives are deffinitley different,i want sex more than he does.he says at his age he doesn't need it that much like he used to when he was younger.what i want to kow is does anyone else experience this same problem.now don't get me wrong sometimes our sex life s good an then we can go two weeks without it.an personally i like it at least once a week if not twice a week.any suggestions?
Different sex drive too
Posted by: poemguston
Posted on: 2002-12-28 00:48:08

I am 31 and my boyfriend is 39. I am at the height of my sexual drive but my boyfriend
can go on for weeks without. Sometimes I throw myself at him but he just falls asleep, or pretends like he is about too. It really hurts me, and I cry about it. I will tell him, and he will listen. When things go great, he initate sex, and I fall right into the trap. Until the next time, when I want to have sex, I am beaten down again. I feel like I am being sexually abused, to a certain extent. To make matter worse, my ex-boyfriend and I had a fantastic sex life. So I am not used to not having one. I define myself as a sexual and healthy person, but I am not having much to boost that belief anymore. To make matters more complicated, other than this, my boyfriend is a great boyfriend. He tries really hard and he is a decent person--I love him. I don't believe in vaginal intercourse before marriage, but there are a lot of other ways to be sexual, and he repects that. He says that he has had a history of breaking up with girlfriends because they wanted more sex than him.

A year ago I caught him with porn and he says that he masturbates everyday with it.
He has since stopped using porn, out of respect for me. But, still, our sex life dwindles. it is so sad that he cannot have a consistent sexual relationship with me. We are going through therapy because we are thinking about marriage. But I just can't marry someone whom I am not sexually compatible with.

I am truly sa
It wont get better
Posted by: sherilonp
Posted on: 2003-01-05 09:54:30

I am a 48 year old woman married for 23 years. Before we got married our sex life was great. Once we got married, my husband began to withdrawl sexually. He wouldn't let me touch him, etc, and I experienced intense pain from the physical and emotional rejection. I finally had an affair (just to have sex). Sounds just like a man doesn't it! Now my husband is practically impotent. We try to have sex, but he can't maintain an erection even with viagra. I am living life in a sexless marriage. I love my husband, but I really miss sex. What I am trying to tell you is it won't get better. If he is rejecting you in bed now, for whatever reason, it won't improve. You need to ask yourself if you are willing to live without sex. If I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have married him. We have gone to counseling which saved our marriage, but not our sex life. Good luck to you.
Can love still last?
Posted by: silentann
Posted on: 2003-01-07 11:55:48

I understand your situation completely. I'm 46 married 19 yrs. I always wanted more sex than my husband but I told myself it was quality not quantity. Since he had Prostate cancer surgury 3 years ago he is impotent. We tried the pump and that was terrible. Too contrived and a cold unnatural feel. We tried injections. That works physically but my husband acts like he's doing me a big favour having sex. Its pitiful, I don't feel wanted or attractive, so I gave up. I love him but am very sad. He doesn't seem to miss sex. I see a therapist but all I get is empathy. I'm depressed and afraid I will cheat one day. Can a marriage last without sex?
lonely**
Posted by: dbelan
Posted on: 2003-11-23 10:57:27

I am 48 years old and have been married for 24 years. I have been in this situation for the last 15+ years. We have sex about 3 times a year. We saw a counselor and things improved for about the next 3 months but slipped back into the same problems after that. My husband is just not interested in hugging, kissing, or anything else. I am feeling really hurt and rejected. So, I react by being mean and grumpy. I can't deal with it anymore. I feel depressed a lot. If the opportunity of an affiar presented itself to me I don't know what I would do. My husband is a hard worker, a good father and a good person. My mother doesn't know of "the problem" but always says I should be thankful because he doesn't drink, he doesn't abuse me and is a good person. Should I stop complaining and just live on. I feel like he's my friend but nothing more.
lonely too
Posted by: onelil
Posted on: 2004-02-21 01:41:00

dbelan, I am 25 and can relate. We usually make love once a week but i have to force the issue. . I would prefer more. we have been together 10yrs and married 5. I keep hoping and praying it will improve. i feel rejected lonely and depressed. I also feel like maybe he doesn't want me because i am over weight.i also feel like if an affair presented itself i might because i am craving attention and affection.reading your story worries me that maybe i have 30 or more yaers of this to live with. i hope someone else has a suggestion for us.
Consider this?
Posted by: posthoc23
Posted on: 2003-09-27 02:19:46

If it's not a physical problem maybe things can get "better". Maybe he has what I had.

A previous lover was pretty psychologically hurtful, and made me feel like I was inadequate no matter what I did. Of course, this only happens when you care deeply about someone's opinion of you. I'm young, and to my extreme terror, my equipment stopped working right.

Of course once this happens you've fulfilled a self-image of someone who isn't capable or adequate, and a bad situation snowballs. Fortunately a new relationship and corrected self-esteem has revived a rockin' sex life. She's happy and partly because of that, I'm happy.

I think there's a possibility that the sort of person who would cheat on her husband wasn't thinking enough about her partner to begin with. So maybe your situation is not quite as dire as "ask yourself if you are willing to live without sex."
Impatience, the mood-killer
Posted by: daddyjd
Posted on: 2005-05-19 12:00:31

I'm 35, my wife will soon be 31 and we've been married almost two years. In the three years prior to our marriage, and the first 1 and 1/2 years of marriage, we were pretty sexually active, always once a day with rare exceptions and it wasn't just a routine. My wife recently took a management job that allowed for me to become a stay-at-home dad for her 6-yr old son. And in the three months since, our sex life has all but disappeared. My first thought was "uh-oh, it's an affair", but I was way off. I've come to realize that she doesn't love me any less, but it can still be really tough on me to be turned down so often. At first she called me "clingy" because I wanted to be with her nearly every minute she was home (she works long hours), but now she realizes it was a major life adjustment for all of us and we're much more comfortable lately with our schedules. I'm hopeful the sex will come back, and there is no shortage of hugs and kisses. We can look each other in the eye and know each loves the other. We do need to make more "kid-free" time for ourselves, and hopefully we'll get better at it. I was worried that maybe I was oversexed for my age until I did some research on relationships and the stages of love - it's OKAY to have different sex drives as long as you can communicate without getting dismissed. Although one thing that still frustrates me is that my wife gets pretty mad when she's not in the mood and I choose to masturbate, because she was "raised not to do that". I've explained that it I feel it doesn't hurt anybody and it's not a replacement for sex by any means, it's my occasional last resort...

Most important, don't be afraid to speak up about your needs and ask your partner to LISTEN and try to understand your perspective. Don't be too impatient under any circumstances, that's a sex killer.
I want it, he doesnt
Posted by: paulainca
Posted on: 2003-01-21 19:30:50

I thought men always were ready for sex. He is 42, I am 39, and he is happy with 3 - 4 times a month, whereas I would enjoy it 3-4 times a week. Help!