04/18 Moving On

moving on
Posted by: dmoore55
Posted on: 2003-04-18 08:36:26

good morning all,
this topic is very close to me in many ways and i have left some other messages on this before. i have lost all family members but one and he is dying to only about 6 months and he has just been put in a nursing home. it just breaks my heart about this. i have 4 kids and they are all grown but i feel they have been cheated when it comes to my side of the family. mom and dad and sister and other brother and aunts and uncles and grandparents all gone. it will leave only me left and i am only 47. it has been this way for a while and i live with it everyday. i keep pretty positive but sometimes it wears me thin like the wind. my heart goes out to people that has to drink there problems like this away but the hurt is still there and a large bottle of aspirin too. if any wants to talk you have my e-mail and my home phone number and i can share more in detail of this. laughter is truly part of the coping of it. but make sure you are laughing on the inside as well as the outside. thanks guys for your time and good luck to others!!!
debbie
A wave to another solitary soldier
Posted by: ladyhawk62
Posted on: 2003-04-18 20:54:48

Hi D,
I can relate I too lost everyone. hah I even wrote John edwards on crossing over to tell my family hi for me. I got my kids tho and thats what gets me up in the morning.But the funny part is at christmas time it feels like I got a house full, weird huh...Any way the sun is rising and its time to see what today is going to bring me...oooo maybe presents!...love ladyhawk
I understand
Posted by: hadleypapa
Posted on: 2003-04-19 10:56:20

I'm so sorry you have lost your family. I know what that's like. I am 45 years old and I only have one child. This child is 23 years old and lives across the nation with her husband and 2 babies. I don't have any famly members left either and when I think of my daughter and two grandchildren it really frightens me too. I had a massive heart attack in August and I know the chances are that I will have another and all I keep thinking about is...my daughter has no one. No mom, dad, grandparents, aunts or uncles, sisters or brothers, cousins, etc... With me gone, she will be all lone in this world. I would love to correspond with you. Maybe we could help each other.
moving on
Posted by: gc0829
Posted on: 2003-04-22 18:52:11

hi debbie, i too have lost all my family members, 4 brothers, 1 sister, and my father. my mother is 85 and has alzheimers. i am only 44. my last sibling died in 1993. some people wonder how i am still standing. i use to be very strong, however, recently i have had problems in my marriage and i think the stress has taken a toll. i am in a support group and i am going to counseling (minus husband) and i have been diagnosed as depressed. for the first time in my life i am admitting that i am not as tough as my outside appearance says. laughter is good medicine - i just need something to laugh about. thank you for sharing your story and letting me know i am not the only "soon to be orphan" out there.
I DID IT!
Posted by: getreal101
Posted on: 2003-04-18 15:16:43

Dear Dr. Phil,
If I can do it any body can I come from a divorced home my mom was married 7 times, I was sexually abused, droped out of school in the 8th grade,ranaway, and on drugs by the time I was 12. When I was 17 I got pregnant and that was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Instead of running from my problems I dealt with it maybe not perfect way but it was worth the effort! But thats not half the story my mother has tried to commit suicide 7 times unsucessfuly thank God the last time was on my birthday 1999! And thats still not the half of it. In 1986 my grandfather was robbed and murdered he was 72 years old. Then in 1988 my brother was murdered we did not find his body for 2 years. Then in 2000 my fiance's stepfather was robbed murdered he was 71 years old, He had been missing less than 24hrs. While the family and I were out looking for him putting up fliers etc. I ended up at a beach near where he had last been seen when the kids that had killed him pulled up and parked right next to me on the beach. It was a miracle!! they had dumped his body in a remote location and had not I caught them that day we might still be looking for him today. I have learned to stand and face adversity, there's not much that I'am afraid to face. A POSSITIVE ATTITUDE will get you through anything that is if you really want to survive. I have many more tragedys I could tell you about that I have OVERCOME but dont have the space to tell you all of them, maybe someday. To anyo
Horsefeathers
Posted by: merrietoo
Posted on: 2003-04-18 17:30:10

If your chemical makeup goes awry such that your dopamine and seratonin levels get messed up, there is no way you can just think yourself out of your problem and telling ANYBODY who is depressed to 'just get a positive attitude' is just plain foolish. Not to mention abusive. Next, go tell a blind person to 'just go see'.
Have to agree!
Posted by: stteardrop
Posted on: 2003-04-19 13:08:32

I kind of have to agree with "Horsefeathers". My saying is. . . "What you won't let yourself remember during the day, your mind forces you to remember at night."

I have been in a domestic assault situation. For the most part, I don't remember it on an intrusive basis. In other words, I don't bring it to mind during the day unless the topic of conversation brings it to the fore. For the first year after the event, I had nightmares that were intense, but not so much now. Even still, the mind has a way of bringing it up when your least expected . . . even in your dreams. So .. .. it's not as simple as just telling yourself to forget it. You might be successful in putting it in it's place part of the time, but one-third of your life is out of your control - your dreams. And when you remember those dreams the following morning . . . the other two-thirds of your life is definitely affected by it.

BUT . . . I think "mind over matter" can play an important role in getting a grip on the situation for at least part of your waking hours. Do you choose to keep reliving it? Do you choose not to get involved with life so that you have more time and attention to stay in the past?
Moving On
Posted by: lyoncow
Posted on: 2003-04-18 15:33:31

Hello everyone. I would just like to say that it was a great show. I lost my father 3 years ago to a tragic car accident.
It was very hard for me but I have learn to live my life day by day and be happy that I
am alive. I hope that Leslie in the show can move on an learn how to live her life to the fullist. You never know how things are going to go. Be grateful for what you have today and worry about tomorrow another day. I still think about my dad everyday but I don't think about the accident I think about the wonderful memories I have of him and glad that I was so close to my father. I love him very much.
moving on
Posted by: shelkellop
Posted on: 2003-04-18 23:43:53

This show was important to me for two reasons. Not only have I too lost a loved one in a tragic car accident, but as a result I am also afraid that I could lose my husband every time he leaves the house.
I thought it was interesting that Dr. Phil said his guest was punishing herself. Creating the stress of living through another loss in your head every day does feel like punishment but I hadn't thought about it in that way. I guess the problem I have is I feel guilty that I am so happy and have found my 'soul mate'. Could it be as easy as telling myself I AM worthy of being happy and having Mr. Right? Does that seem like an oversimplification? Or has 7 years of daily worry and obsessive panic boiled down to something so simple to get past? Is it really as simple as that?
shelkellop/moving on
Posted by: lyoncow
Posted on: 2003-04-19 13:16:09

It is hard at first to move on with your life I am also married to my soul mate, but if I worry everyday that something is going to happy I would not realize how good my life is right now. My husband has also lost both his parents, so he has helped my a lot on how to go on and live without stress and worrying if something is going to happen. My father also taught me to live each day to the fullist and never let anything get you down. My father also,taught me that I could do anything. He words are still strong to me. So don't worry and be happy with your MR. Right and let GOD take care of your worries.
response
Posted by: shelkellop
Posted on: 2003-04-21 17:04:36

Thank you for responding. You are absolutly right- I intend to start today!
TRUST
Posted by: kris_pett
Posted on: 2003-04-18 16:27:53

I was watching the show today and you were saying no one marrys the perfect person. Well i don't really trust my husband not because of things he has done but past relationships. Thank you for say trust is being able to deal with it if something does happen. Kristy
moving on
Posted by: shann69
Posted on: 2003-04-18 16:40:55

Dr. Phil: I REALLY needed today's show. I also have been left by a husband that I loved. He moved me away from my friends and family to another state to be near his family. We were only married for a short time and he left me for my best friend and left me stranded. I worshiped the ground the man walked on, thought he was the one and only, and now I feel so empty and angry. The worst part is, I am not angry at him. I am angry at my "best friend" and his family for doing this, and allowing it to be done to me. We will be divorced for 3 years this May and I live everday thinking of him, wondering what he is doing and what he is thinking. A month after he left me I attempted to end my life. I have been in couseling for the last 3 years. I have battled with depression most my life, and this has made it worse. I now suffer from paralizeing panic attacks. I understood all you said, but I need so much more advice! Can you help me? Can anyone help me? Shannon, lost in Tennessee
Shann69
Posted by: nan_c_k
Posted on: 2003-04-18 17:34:02

Rest assured honey "if he did it to you, he'll do it to her!" Don't waste one more minute on this man....I agree with Dr. Phil, it's are fantasy of "what could have been" that you are mourning the loss of! My house had a revolving door on it....my husband left me for many women so many times that I think he was on # 12 when he left the last time and this was over a span of 20 years! I thought I was doing the right thing for my kids to try to keep the family unit together, by taking him back each time....NOT....I wasted 20 years of mine and my children's life. The old saying "once a cheat, always a cheat" is so true! So move on....and don't fall into the trap of thinking that "if it only weren't for your girlfriend, he wouldn't have left you!" He would've found someone else.....he's not marriage material! And it was HIS choice in the end, no one forced him, so don't JUST blame your girlfriend even though she's not much of a friend either. Raise the bar! Look for better blood! Someone that deserves the goodness of YOU! He's out there! And while I'm at it....girls.....sometimes "trophy men" are only good for ONE thing....to set on a shelf! Beauty is only skin deep but UGLY goes clear to the bone. Don't be so shallow to judge some of these men that don't fit in the "hunk" catagory.....in the end they make wonderful husbands and fathers...and they'll treat you like you are the best thing since sliced bread! From one who knows!
Shann
Posted by: merrietoo
Posted on: 2003-04-18 17:42:08

Get yourself to a physician or psychiatrist. Psychologists used to think that every person with a problem could be talked out of the problem. Some of the old-fashioned ones still think that. There is plenty of scientific proof that some chemicals in some folks get messed up and that can lead to 'stuck' thinking, panic, and all sorts of other problems. We are, after all, bundles of chemicals. And, like any other system, the chemical system can get broken. No amount of talk will fix this. If you look, you'll find all sorts of studies which prove that 'talk therapy' works for some people but by no means not everyone. So go get yourself the right kind of doctor and good luck!
LOOKING TOO
Posted by: honestgal
Posted on: 2003-04-21 09:47:48

Dear Penquin110 -
I was looking for your messages too to see if you wrote in again. I was worried about you. I am very glad to see you're still with us! Please hang in there. There is help out there for you. Maybe all the difference is finding a good and compentent therapist (let's be real there are plenty of imcompentent ones out there). Please know you are worth it!
still here
Posted by: penguin110
Posted on: 2003-04-21 12:39:25

I keep disappearing from this board. Thank you for caring. I do have help and that's what got me through this.
YAY! :)
Posted by: merrietoo
Posted on: 2003-04-21 13:01:12

SO happy to hear it, Penguin! You did the right thing in reaching out. Please always do that when you are feeling awful. Know that you have a lot of people praying for you.
Payoff for being stuck on suicide coverup?
Posted by: gymfem
Posted on: 2003-04-18 16:43:29

I really felt for this guy who lost his friend as a 15 yr old kid. I can really understand his pain over all of this. What I don't get is how DP always says "You don't keep doing something unless there's a payoff for it. People do things for a reason." I noticed that he made reference to it again at the end of the show.

Now that may be true in some cases but I don't think that in cases such as this one or Depression, that you can apply this rule.

I often hear him bash people whom HE feels have willingly "assumed the fetal position." I understand that his motive at this point is to spur the person into action but I think this can sometimes be very inappropriate and insensitive. Granted, there may be some who are doing just what he speaks of. I just think you have to be careful with that.
Behaviourism
Posted by: merrietoo
Posted on: 2003-04-18 17:57:20

Dr. Phil is a behaaviourist. He might be a cognitive behaviourist, but he's from that school of therapy. They can be thought of as the opposite of the Freudians (ones after Freud still believe in the unconscious and subconscious without the classic Freud sex stuff). Behaviourists believe that all human behaviour can be explained by stimulus-response mechanisms (remember Pavlov's dogs? Rats in a maze? Those are the experiments used to establish behaviourism as a theory). Behaviourists figure if you change the 'payoff', you can change the behaviour.

It is very simplistic, and has been criticized by lots and lots of researchers, but it is still floating around out there.
Psychology has changed a lot and much more research has been done since the days of behaviourism. IMHO behaviourists are dinosaurs. Yes, if a person is not suffering from some sort of disorder or chemical problem (bipolar, etc), and they just have some peculiar concepts, you can talk sense into them. However, many people with problems are not just suffering from 'wrong thinking'.