08/27 Family Grudges
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Posted by: caketops
Posted on: 2003-05-15 08:23:47
Dear Dr. Phil
How do we really forgive a parent who betrays us as a child and an adult.When I was 10 my mothers brother in-law and a church member that was close to the family molested me. As I got older the story came out and both were charged and sentenced for what they did to myself and others. Before sentencing my stepfather who lives in Ontario came to Nova Scotia with my mom and they actually went to visit one of these men (the church deacon) Not only did they visit him but my stepfather invited him to go to Ontario with him for a short trip and back! He did go. Five years later when my mothers brother in-law got out of prison and could'nt find a job my step father hired him! I consider this a slap in the face. They say they have to forgive them because God says so. How can they forgive them when they know how difficult it is for me to even here their names mentioned.My mother says it is my own fault that this bothers me and that I need to forgive. Is this because she physically and emotionally abused me and wants forgivness herself? Or is this punishment because I have not forgiven her for her lack of love and leadership as a parent? I would love some input.
Posted by: caketops
Posted on: 2003-05-15 08:23:47
Dear Dr. Phil
How do we really forgive a parent who betrays us as a child and an adult.When I was 10 my mothers brother in-law and a church member that was close to the family molested me. As I got older the story came out and both were charged and sentenced for what they did to myself and others. Before sentencing my stepfather who lives in Ontario came to Nova Scotia with my mom and they actually went to visit one of these men (the church deacon) Not only did they visit him but my stepfather invited him to go to Ontario with him for a short trip and back! He did go. Five years later when my mothers brother in-law got out of prison and could'nt find a job my step father hired him! I consider this a slap in the face. They say they have to forgive them because God says so. How can they forgive them when they know how difficult it is for me to even here their names mentioned.My mother says it is my own fault that this bothers me and that I need to forgive. Is this because she physically and emotionally abused me and wants forgivness herself? Or is this punishment because I have not forgiven her for her lack of love and leadership as a parent? I would love some input.
I understand
Posted by: bamlover
Posted on: 2003-05-15 08:48:56
I so understand how you feel, both of my brothers molested me and a cousins husband. This has hurt me for years. My husband found out when we had to go thru counceling, he had an affair and I was very hurt and hour marriage was a mess. My husband couldnt believe that I hadnt told him about what happened to me as a little girl. Only my closest friends knew. About 3 yrs ago I confronted one of my brothers, I just tore my whole family apart. My parents in there 80's like to have died and to this day still dont believe it. I still hurt every day.
Posted by: bamlover
Posted on: 2003-05-15 08:48:56
I so understand how you feel, both of my brothers molested me and a cousins husband. This has hurt me for years. My husband found out when we had to go thru counceling, he had an affair and I was very hurt and hour marriage was a mess. My husband couldnt believe that I hadnt told him about what happened to me as a little girl. Only my closest friends knew. About 3 yrs ago I confronted one of my brothers, I just tore my whole family apart. My parents in there 80's like to have died and to this day still dont believe it. I still hurt every day.
hurting
Posted by: bamlover
Posted on: 2003-05-15 08:53:57
People just this oh get over it,it happened along time ago. I can for give, but never will forget, I was scared to death as an adult to say anything, because I knew no one would believe me, and they didnt, I might as well of just kept it to myself. I now have ptss and irs, because of all of the stress this has brought to my life phsyically and mentally. I know none of it was my fault but I still feel I carried this burden with me for to many years, and I should of said something to release the guilt that i carry.
Posted by: bamlover
Posted on: 2003-05-15 08:53:57
People just this oh get over it,it happened along time ago. I can for give, but never will forget, I was scared to death as an adult to say anything, because I knew no one would believe me, and they didnt, I might as well of just kept it to myself. I now have ptss and irs, because of all of the stress this has brought to my life phsyically and mentally. I know none of it was my fault but I still feel I carried this burden with me for to many years, and I should of said something to release the guilt that i carry.
understanding makes a big difference
Posted by: aquadog
Posted on: 2003-08-27 12:20:10
There were five of us siblings that grew up with parental abuse, verbal,physical and sexual.Both parents were substance abusers as well. We all responded as adults in a different way. One of my brothers molested us girls as well. I was lucky to be one that was always interested in the whys and hows of the mind and studying psychology helped me to understand ( not condone ). By understanding the reasons for behavior I was able to let go of anger, resentment, and distorted self judgement. The past is now where it belongs and I have chosen to keep only the stregnths I developed at that time.
Posted by: aquadog
Posted on: 2003-08-27 12:20:10
There were five of us siblings that grew up with parental abuse, verbal,physical and sexual.Both parents were substance abusers as well. We all responded as adults in a different way. One of my brothers molested us girls as well. I was lucky to be one that was always interested in the whys and hows of the mind and studying psychology helped me to understand ( not condone ). By understanding the reasons for behavior I was able to let go of anger, resentment, and distorted self judgement. The past is now where it belongs and I have chosen to keep only the stregnths I developed at that time.
Forgiveness
Posted by: theshadow
Posted on: 2003-05-15 14:59:13
You know, you are not the only person in the world who has been molested or abused, there are alot of us. But the need to forgive is not necessarily for the other person. I had to forgive my abuser so I could move on. He may never that I forgave him, because I certainly have no desire to tell him, but inorder for me to move forward, I had no choice. If you don't let go of the bitterness you feel toward you mother, your life will be empty and meaningless. Let go of the past and remember the gift of the "present". And always remember you aren't alone. I often think back to when I was abused, and of the people involved at the time, and I know that I can sleep at night, that my conscience is clear, is theirs? So remember do this for you, not for them.
Posted by: theshadow
Posted on: 2003-05-15 14:59:13
You know, you are not the only person in the world who has been molested or abused, there are alot of us. But the need to forgive is not necessarily for the other person. I had to forgive my abuser so I could move on. He may never that I forgave him, because I certainly have no desire to tell him, but inorder for me to move forward, I had no choice. If you don't let go of the bitterness you feel toward you mother, your life will be empty and meaningless. Let go of the past and remember the gift of the "present". And always remember you aren't alone. I often think back to when I was abused, and of the people involved at the time, and I know that I can sleep at night, that my conscience is clear, is theirs? So remember do this for you, not for them.
bologne
Posted by: bobby61557
Posted on: 2003-08-27 19:06:22
You do not have to forgive someone who abused you to move on. Whom ever told you that crud was full of banana oil. The fact that there are alot of people out there that have been abused shows that you can have a decent life regardless of what has happened. I would never say I was sorry to the suspect if I was the victom.Saying you forgive them is saying your sorry for what they did to you. They should appologise to you Thats the true meaning of getting over it.
Posted by: bobby61557
Posted on: 2003-08-27 19:06:22
You do not have to forgive someone who abused you to move on. Whom ever told you that crud was full of banana oil. The fact that there are alot of people out there that have been abused shows that you can have a decent life regardless of what has happened. I would never say I was sorry to the suspect if I was the victom.Saying you forgive them is saying your sorry for what they did to you. They should appologise to you Thats the true meaning of getting over it.
To: Bologne
Posted by: ktpoirier
Posted on: 2003-08-28 14:43:54
I'm not so sure that you are speaking from experience. If you are, then it seems that you are speaking from bitterness. I speak from experience when I say I agree with the originator of this message. If you want to move past the event, you have to forgive the person/s. A traumatic experience of this sort does strange and horrible things not only emotionally but physically as well to our brains. We get emotionally "stuck". If you wait around for people to apologize to you your waiting for something to happen that you can't control and it may never happen. I completely disagree with "Saying you forgive them is saying you're sorry for what they did". Saying you forgive them is saying that you will not live in the hurt that they caused you nor in the manipulation they tried to impose on you. It brings healing to you like nothing else will. It strenghtens you to become the person God intended you to be and to break the chain of emotional pain.
Posted by: ktpoirier
Posted on: 2003-08-28 14:43:54
I'm not so sure that you are speaking from experience. If you are, then it seems that you are speaking from bitterness. I speak from experience when I say I agree with the originator of this message. If you want to move past the event, you have to forgive the person/s. A traumatic experience of this sort does strange and horrible things not only emotionally but physically as well to our brains. We get emotionally "stuck". If you wait around for people to apologize to you your waiting for something to happen that you can't control and it may never happen. I completely disagree with "Saying you forgive them is saying you're sorry for what they did". Saying you forgive them is saying that you will not live in the hurt that they caused you nor in the manipulation they tried to impose on you. It brings healing to you like nothing else will. It strenghtens you to become the person God intended you to be and to break the chain of emotional pain.
Dear CakeTops
Posted by: pebblepie
Posted on: 2003-05-15 18:27:05
They are very very WRONG! Yes they and you need/should forgive. BUT
that doesn't mean you have to have any contact with the pervert!
Your mom and stepfather need help. You are not the one who can help
them (PLus they'd have to first recognize they need help and want it) I doubt they would want any help or feel they need to change.
Protect yourself and your heart, possibly by loving and forgiving your
parents but staying clear of them.
Posted by: pebblepie
Posted on: 2003-05-15 18:27:05
They are very very WRONG! Yes they and you need/should forgive. BUT
that doesn't mean you have to have any contact with the pervert!
Your mom and stepfather need help. You are not the one who can help
them (PLus they'd have to first recognize they need help and want it) I doubt they would want any help or feel they need to change.
Protect yourself and your heart, possibly by loving and forgiving your
parents but staying clear of them.
life is not forever
Posted by: lostlady54
Posted on: 2003-05-15 23:15:02
i believe that if you want a understanding life you first have to live on the other side. i agree with the dr,life is to short to hold bad feelings about your love ones.
Posted by: lostlady54
Posted on: 2003-05-15 23:15:02
i believe that if you want a understanding life you first have to live on the other side. i agree with the dr,life is to short to hold bad feelings about your love ones.
forgiving family
Posted by: cubasue
Posted on: 2003-08-28 16:06:10
I too realize that you have to forgive your family for things that they have done to you or they think you have done to them. My oldest son and his wife have not talked to me or my husband for over 20 years for something that I was supposed to have done to them. I have tried to treat all of my children (5) the same way. If one of them is in trouble I will help in any way I can. If the other feel that this is showing favortizism to them then I am guilty. All any of them have to do is ask for help and I will do what I can to help.
Posted by: cubasue
Posted on: 2003-08-28 16:06:10
I too realize that you have to forgive your family for things that they have done to you or they think you have done to them. My oldest son and his wife have not talked to me or my husband for over 20 years for something that I was supposed to have done to them. I have tried to treat all of my children (5) the same way. If one of them is in trouble I will help in any way I can. If the other feel that this is showing favortizism to them then I am guilty. All any of them have to do is ask for help and I will do what I can to help.
reply to cubasue
Posted by: exlove
Posted on: 2003-08-28 23:06:32
How have you dealt with not being able to speak to your son and his wife for 25 years??? I cannot imagine the emotional anguish and hurt and pain involved in not being able to go this many years without speaking!!! It has been 3 1/2 months since my son married and his father and I have not been able to communicate with him and were told not to attend the wedding or we would be personally escorted out by our son...all because of money we would not "financially support" him with. The pain somedays is unbearable and I do not know how we will cope if it is 25 years of not speaking. How are you coping and does the pain ever lessen? Any comments?
Posted by: exlove
Posted on: 2003-08-28 23:06:32
How have you dealt with not being able to speak to your son and his wife for 25 years??? I cannot imagine the emotional anguish and hurt and pain involved in not being able to go this many years without speaking!!! It has been 3 1/2 months since my son married and his father and I have not been able to communicate with him and were told not to attend the wedding or we would be personally escorted out by our son...all because of money we would not "financially support" him with. The pain somedays is unbearable and I do not know how we will cope if it is 25 years of not speaking. How are you coping and does the pain ever lessen? Any comments?
Hurt & Confused as well...yet hopeful!
Posted by: nizgrneyes
Posted on: 2003-05-16 19:37:19
What a shame of all the molestation and pain, cause it mirrors my life! I know I am not alone, even though it feels like it most of the time! My twin sister & I was molested & raped by my natural father for years, mostly 9 –12 though. My family was very strongly involved in the church; it was our whole life. It is a long story, but the quick part is that my father physically, mentally, sexually, & emotionally abused us & didn't get punished for what he did at all, he got away with it! My sister & I were taken out of my parents home and placed in a foster home and didn't see my father again till we were 18. My sister & I not only choose to forgive him & be a part of his life, even though he didn’t ever choose to come see after this happened. (Talk about hard!) He didn’t EVER say he was 'sorry, wrong, or to blame for destroying our lives and bodies'! He acted as if 'We' didn't exist & went on making a new family, kids and all. If family asks him, he says he doesn’t want to think about it or relive the past again or it’s a lie & nothing happened. I have struggled to be a part of his new family for years now. They give them cars, money, & we get nothing, not even our kids for holidays! I have a 4-year-old daughter now & I feel ashamed because I want to keep her away from him but I feel I should allow her to see him! It hurts! When I am in the same room with him, I am in fear! Fear for myself, my daughter! Yet my convictions, tell me to forgive & forget, & love no matter what! Adv
Posted by: nizgrneyes
Posted on: 2003-05-16 19:37:19
What a shame of all the molestation and pain, cause it mirrors my life! I know I am not alone, even though it feels like it most of the time! My twin sister & I was molested & raped by my natural father for years, mostly 9 –12 though. My family was very strongly involved in the church; it was our whole life. It is a long story, but the quick part is that my father physically, mentally, sexually, & emotionally abused us & didn't get punished for what he did at all, he got away with it! My sister & I were taken out of my parents home and placed in a foster home and didn't see my father again till we were 18. My sister & I not only choose to forgive him & be a part of his life, even though he didn’t ever choose to come see after this happened. (Talk about hard!) He didn’t EVER say he was 'sorry, wrong, or to blame for destroying our lives and bodies'! He acted as if 'We' didn't exist & went on making a new family, kids and all. If family asks him, he says he doesn’t want to think about it or relive the past again or it’s a lie & nothing happened. I have struggled to be a part of his new family for years now. They give them cars, money, & we get nothing, not even our kids for holidays! I have a 4-year-old daughter now & I feel ashamed because I want to keep her away from him but I feel I should allow her to see him! It hurts! When I am in the same room with him, I am in fear! Fear for myself, my daughter! Yet my convictions, tell me to forgive & forget, & love no matter what! Adv
Dear Hopeful
Posted by: cranapple
Posted on: 2003-05-25 12:06:01
I think your priority now is to take care of your family. It sounds like you've given him enough chances. If he can't figure it out, do you have to suffer for it?
It's really hard to forgive someone when one party doesn't have a clue, doesn't even seek forgiveness. He may be in denial. It's a natural reaction to keeping oneself sane.
Good Lord, good luck.
Posted by: cranapple
Posted on: 2003-05-25 12:06:01
I think your priority now is to take care of your family. It sounds like you've given him enough chances. If he can't figure it out, do you have to suffer for it?
It's really hard to forgive someone when one party doesn't have a clue, doesn't even seek forgiveness. He may be in denial. It's a natural reaction to keeping oneself sane.
Good Lord, good luck.
to hopeful
Posted by: edenscrush
Posted on: 2003-08-27 16:18:24
Forgiveness doesn't require reconciliation. You can forgive someone, but you DO NOT have to subject yourself or your children to danger in order to do it.
Listen to your internal alarms. If you're afraid to be with him and afraid for your daughter, stay away. Forgiveness doesn't require us to put ourselves in harm's way.
Posted by: edenscrush
Posted on: 2003-08-27 16:18:24
Forgiveness doesn't require reconciliation. You can forgive someone, but you DO NOT have to subject yourself or your children to danger in order to do it.
Listen to your internal alarms. If you're afraid to be with him and afraid for your daughter, stay away. Forgiveness doesn't require us to put ourselves in harm's way.
You can!!!
Posted by: rbhymel
Posted on: 2003-08-27 18:33:23
Forgiveness is not about those that hurt you, it is about you. Unforgiveness controls your life especially all your present relationships whether you realize it or not. Forgiveness does not mean that you "forget" the past, but forgiveness helps you get past the pain of your past. Your past is a FACT of your life, it has contributed to the person that you are today, but unforgiveness cripples you. Forgiveness also does not mean that you have to go back into relationships that are unhealthy for you, basically you are letting yourself off the hook to have a positive productive life and take the "curse" off of your own family especially your children. Forgiveness is a concious choice, not a feeling. When you decide to forgive, speak it out, every day if necessary until you begin to believe it inside yourself, then your feelings will follow, I promise. It is a process, and it is painful because it seems unfair that you even have to. If you will make the decision to forgive, I guarantee you will be a better person for it.
Posted by: rbhymel
Posted on: 2003-08-27 18:33:23
Forgiveness is not about those that hurt you, it is about you. Unforgiveness controls your life especially all your present relationships whether you realize it or not. Forgiveness does not mean that you "forget" the past, but forgiveness helps you get past the pain of your past. Your past is a FACT of your life, it has contributed to the person that you are today, but unforgiveness cripples you. Forgiveness also does not mean that you have to go back into relationships that are unhealthy for you, basically you are letting yourself off the hook to have a positive productive life and take the "curse" off of your own family especially your children. Forgiveness is a concious choice, not a feeling. When you decide to forgive, speak it out, every day if necessary until you begin to believe it inside yourself, then your feelings will follow, I promise. It is a process, and it is painful because it seems unfair that you even have to. If you will make the decision to forgive, I guarantee you will be a better person for it.
You are right "You Can "
Posted by: cgcham
Posted on: 2003-09-02 22:01:03
Forgiveness is not what you give to others but what you give to yourself. I left home at age 14. Some say I ran away. I say I escaped. My life was a brutal hell. My mother was a cruel abusive alcoholic. Now she is a amputee in a nursing home. After being estranged from her for some almost 10 years, I went to her to ask for her forgiveness. I also told her that I forgave her. She declined the offer but gave me what I needed. I am free. You see, she took from me all the good years of my childhood. I have searched my memories of good but find only shreds of half-hearted smiles and the taste of blood in my mouth. She took those years from me. But she won't get any more. I have four wonderful children and six beautiful grandchildren. Stop giving your abuser the power to control your life. You are valid without it.
Posted by: cgcham
Posted on: 2003-09-02 22:01:03
Forgiveness is not what you give to others but what you give to yourself. I left home at age 14. Some say I ran away. I say I escaped. My life was a brutal hell. My mother was a cruel abusive alcoholic. Now she is a amputee in a nursing home. After being estranged from her for some almost 10 years, I went to her to ask for her forgiveness. I also told her that I forgave her. She declined the offer but gave me what I needed. I am free. You see, she took from me all the good years of my childhood. I have searched my memories of good but find only shreds of half-hearted smiles and the taste of blood in my mouth. She took those years from me. But she won't get any more. I have four wonderful children and six beautiful grandchildren. Stop giving your abuser the power to control your life. You are valid without it.
forgiveness is for yoursel
Posted by: bemyvalent
Posted on: 2003-08-27 19:18:22
caketops in this world of "comunication" we are finding more and more dark secrets in evrybody's closet. there has always been and will continue to be adults that abuse children. there are many of us that have suffered the shame and guilt as a victim. However we need to forgive those who have harmed us,because forgiveness heals your spirit.Hanging on to hurt just keeps hurting. Here is a song I learned as a child and now in my adult years it is very comforting. If I have wounded any soul today, If I have caused one foot to go a stray, If I have wanted my own willful way Dear Lord forgive. Forgive the sins I have confessed to thee Forgive the secret sins I do not see ,Oh guide me love and my keeper be Dear Lord ,Amen. If we want forgivenes when we hurt others, then we must forgive those that hurt us. IT IS FOR YOUR WELL BEING
Posted by: bemyvalent
Posted on: 2003-08-27 19:18:22
caketops in this world of "comunication" we are finding more and more dark secrets in evrybody's closet. there has always been and will continue to be adults that abuse children. there are many of us that have suffered the shame and guilt as a victim. However we need to forgive those who have harmed us,because forgiveness heals your spirit.Hanging on to hurt just keeps hurting. Here is a song I learned as a child and now in my adult years it is very comforting. If I have wounded any soul today, If I have caused one foot to go a stray, If I have wanted my own willful way Dear Lord forgive. Forgive the sins I have confessed to thee Forgive the secret sins I do not see ,Oh guide me love and my keeper be Dear Lord ,Amen. If we want forgivenes when we hurt others, then we must forgive those that hurt us. IT IS FOR YOUR WELL BEING
Feeling Your Pain
Posted by: doingok2
Posted on: 2003-08-27 20:57:48
I know exactly where you are coming from. I am the seventh child in my family. When I was 13, one of my brothers raped me. I am 21 now and since then my family has betrayed me in so many ways. The person in your situation was locked up. My family did'nt even belive me. Years down the road one of my other brothers let him move in with him. Friday will be a year ago that my dad past away. Right after he past away I was slaped in the face again. The brother who raped me moved in with my mom to help take care of her. The only thing that I can say to help you out is try to understand where they are coming from and if that is not possible send a strong message of how you feel and that you do not want these people evan mentioned around you.Also state that if they care for you that they willl respect you and your feelings. If they insist after that to carry on tell them that you are going to distance yourself from them. This does'nt mean staying out of thier lives all together this means that you are staying away from things that hurt your self-esteem, pride and feelings in general.
Posted by: doingok2
Posted on: 2003-08-27 20:57:48
I know exactly where you are coming from. I am the seventh child in my family. When I was 13, one of my brothers raped me. I am 21 now and since then my family has betrayed me in so many ways. The person in your situation was locked up. My family did'nt even belive me. Years down the road one of my other brothers let him move in with him. Friday will be a year ago that my dad past away. Right after he past away I was slaped in the face again. The brother who raped me moved in with my mom to help take care of her. The only thing that I can say to help you out is try to understand where they are coming from and if that is not possible send a strong message of how you feel and that you do not want these people evan mentioned around you.Also state that if they care for you that they willl respect you and your feelings. If they insist after that to carry on tell them that you are going to distance yourself from them. This does'nt mean staying out of thier lives all together this means that you are staying away from things that hurt your self-esteem, pride and feelings in general.
feeling the same
Posted by: kejjazz
Posted on: 2003-08-27 23:03:59
Hi I feel the same way. Growing up I had a stepfather which is my sisters real father, he was there all my growing up yrs since I was about three. He was a good father as far as I know untill boom I hit the teenage yrs. and I started to care about my looks like every teenager does, and my so called step father wanted me to be sexual with him. He didn't force me to do anything that I didn't want to do which was nothing ;but was very persistent in wanting me to touch in his private area said he would give me money. I told him to leave me alone and go and get my mom and he would say he wanted something new. Every night he would ask me if I had thought about it and I would say NO leave me alone. One morning I was putting on makeup in the bathroom and he came in there in a robe naked underneath and opened his robe put his boy thing on the sink and I didn't look I just walked away and told him to leave me alone. My mom was at work and it would leave him to tend to me and my little sister which me and her was 10 yrs apart. She was about 3 I think and I was about 13. I finally got the courage to tell my mom this and she must've talked to him about this and she told me that he said it was my fault because of the way I dressed and traunted threw the house. Can you imagine a mother telling you that this was my fault on how I dressed or looked!! A real mother would have said buddy you are out the door LEAVE!!! ;but, that wasn't my case. Maybe 1 month went by and he was gone t
Posted by: kejjazz
Posted on: 2003-08-27 23:03:59
Hi I feel the same way. Growing up I had a stepfather which is my sisters real father, he was there all my growing up yrs since I was about three. He was a good father as far as I know untill boom I hit the teenage yrs. and I started to care about my looks like every teenager does, and my so called step father wanted me to be sexual with him. He didn't force me to do anything that I didn't want to do which was nothing ;but was very persistent in wanting me to touch in his private area said he would give me money. I told him to leave me alone and go and get my mom and he would say he wanted something new. Every night he would ask me if I had thought about it and I would say NO leave me alone. One morning I was putting on makeup in the bathroom and he came in there in a robe naked underneath and opened his robe put his boy thing on the sink and I didn't look I just walked away and told him to leave me alone. My mom was at work and it would leave him to tend to me and my little sister which me and her was 10 yrs apart. She was about 3 I think and I was about 13. I finally got the courage to tell my mom this and she must've talked to him about this and she told me that he said it was my fault because of the way I dressed and traunted threw the house. Can you imagine a mother telling you that this was my fault on how I dressed or looked!! A real mother would have said buddy you are out the door LEAVE!!! ;but, that wasn't my case. Maybe 1 month went by and he was gone t
