12/30 Competitive Parents
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Posted by: shayes4448
Posted on: 2003-09-17 08:33:23
My 11 year old daughter has just joined our town's travel soccer team. She has played on the town's recreational team since kindergarden. As I sit and watch her games, I am horrified at the yelling the parent's do on the sidelines. My philosophy has always been, only call out supportive things. Aside from this however, I was told that one parent pays her child everytime she makes a goal. How horrifying is that? This kid is not learning anything about team work or sportsmanship. How do parents values become so misplaced?
Posted by: shayes4448
Posted on: 2003-09-17 08:33:23
My 11 year old daughter has just joined our town's travel soccer team. She has played on the town's recreational team since kindergarden. As I sit and watch her games, I am horrified at the yelling the parent's do on the sidelines. My philosophy has always been, only call out supportive things. Aside from this however, I was told that one parent pays her child everytime she makes a goal. How horrifying is that? This kid is not learning anything about team work or sportsmanship. How do parents values become so misplaced?
Football Mom
Posted by: anahiddian
Posted on: 2003-09-17 08:47:24
My 14 year old son is playing freshman football for his high school. Aside from being a freshman he is new to town. The first freshman game was last friday. The behavor of one father was incredible. The insulting and derogortoy comments from the father to his son was horrifying. My son and some of the other players found it embarrassing for the their teammate. The children will be competitve anyway, but there's no need to be mean.
Posted by: anahiddian
Posted on: 2003-09-17 08:47:24
My 14 year old son is playing freshman football for his high school. Aside from being a freshman he is new to town. The first freshman game was last friday. The behavor of one father was incredible. The insulting and derogortoy comments from the father to his son was horrifying. My son and some of the other players found it embarrassing for the their teammate. The children will be competitve anyway, but there's no need to be mean.
In our town we get a memo with the kids....
Posted by: scooter_
Posted on: 2003-09-17 11:08:48
If a parent is over bearing, bossy or just plain rude the umpire or league offical has the right to throw that parent out. It happened a few times to parents and stopped quickly, it is actually pleasant to go to the games know.
Posted by: scooter_
Posted on: 2003-09-17 11:08:48
If a parent is over bearing, bossy or just plain rude the umpire or league offical has the right to throw that parent out. It happened a few times to parents and stopped quickly, it is actually pleasant to go to the games know.
They're Mainly Obsessed Parents
Posted by: donnybaby
Posted on: 2003-12-30 17:48:50
These parents are all obsessed and concerned about themselves, not their kids. You can bet that these driven parents have their own repressed childhood fears in that THEY are losers...because THEY THEMSELVES haven't measured up. And so they (erroneously) believe they can make up for their own fears by pushing their children.
Parents, please do the best thing you can for your kids...get a good counselor, FOR YOURSELVES and resolve your own insecurities. If not, your kids will surely inherit them. Foretold is forewarned. Good luck, Donny
Posted by: donnybaby
Posted on: 2003-12-30 17:48:50
These parents are all obsessed and concerned about themselves, not their kids. You can bet that these driven parents have their own repressed childhood fears in that THEY are losers...because THEY THEMSELVES haven't measured up. And so they (erroneously) believe they can make up for their own fears by pushing their children.
Parents, please do the best thing you can for your kids...get a good counselor, FOR YOURSELVES and resolve your own insecurities. If not, your kids will surely inherit them. Foretold is forewarned. Good luck, Donny
Not obsessed
Posted by: 3xmomma
Posted on: 2003-12-30 19:16:16
Not all overzealous parents are obsessed or are nurturing repressed childhood fears. Give me a break! It doesn't mean that they were losers as children or that they're trying to live vicariously through their kids. Sometimes it just means that you want success for your child, and we all know that we sometimes equate winning with success. We can all learn from our mistakes, and in doing so, teach our children an even more important lesson...humility.
Posted by: 3xmomma
Posted on: 2003-12-30 19:16:16
Not all overzealous parents are obsessed or are nurturing repressed childhood fears. Give me a break! It doesn't mean that they were losers as children or that they're trying to live vicariously through their kids. Sometimes it just means that you want success for your child, and we all know that we sometimes equate winning with success. We can all learn from our mistakes, and in doing so, teach our children an even more important lesson...humility.
3xmomma...Give Yourself A Break!.
Posted by: donnybaby
Posted on: 2003-12-30 19:48:59
I never said anything about "all" overzealous parents. They're your words. But given your post, I have a question for you: how much different is "over-zealous" from obsessed? I don't know what show you were watching but I saw two mothers who are clearly obsessed (or try "driven" or "insecure") regarding "success" their own! IMO that's what's (unconsciously) missing in their own lives. This is sad news for their kids...and did you happen to see their kids? Call it "overzealous" or whatever...these kids are hurting.
All the above is based on a rule of life I ascribe to; that EVERYTHING WE DO AND SAY IS ALWAYS ABOUT OURSELVES FIRST. You sure don't have to agree and many won't. But IMO, that's why they're pushing their kids; to try and make up for the approval they never got from their parents. That being said...make no mistake, that doesn't make them "bad" people. Just quite misguided. Can it be corrected? Sure! Thanks for sharing, Donny
Posted by: donnybaby
Posted on: 2003-12-30 19:48:59
I never said anything about "all" overzealous parents. They're your words. But given your post, I have a question for you: how much different is "over-zealous" from obsessed? I don't know what show you were watching but I saw two mothers who are clearly obsessed (or try "driven" or "insecure") regarding "success" their own! IMO that's what's (unconsciously) missing in their own lives. This is sad news for their kids...and did you happen to see their kids? Call it "overzealous" or whatever...these kids are hurting.
All the above is based on a rule of life I ascribe to; that EVERYTHING WE DO AND SAY IS ALWAYS ABOUT OURSELVES FIRST. You sure don't have to agree and many won't. But IMO, that's why they're pushing their kids; to try and make up for the approval they never got from their parents. That being said...make no mistake, that doesn't make them "bad" people. Just quite misguided. Can it be corrected? Sure! Thanks for sharing, Donny
misplaced
Posted by: fmbrooks
Posted on: 2004-01-04 14:11:55
They may just doing to their own child what was done to them. They may also have had pushy social climbing parents with misplaced values. These folks should be interested in their clildren's life, but they need to get a job or a hobby, join a club, or read a book. They need to live the life of an adult, not get in there and try to relive their childhood thru the lives of their own kids. They may think they are helping but they are embarasing their kids or making them feel incompetent and causing adults in leadership roles to avoid them like the plague.
Posted by: fmbrooks
Posted on: 2004-01-04 14:11:55
They may just doing to their own child what was done to them. They may also have had pushy social climbing parents with misplaced values. These folks should be interested in their clildren's life, but they need to get a job or a hobby, join a club, or read a book. They need to live the life of an adult, not get in there and try to relive their childhood thru the lives of their own kids. They may think they are helping but they are embarasing their kids or making them feel incompetent and causing adults in leadership roles to avoid them like the plague.
RE: Football Mom
Posted by: fthayer
Posted on: 2003-12-31 12:32:14
Football is my favourite sport and I encourage as many children as possible to start playing early because it's more difficult to excel at if pursued later in life. However, it is imperative to know that certain age categories have their own unique motives for playing. As a child, the only thing that they ought to develop is how to be a team player and coexist with others. There is no way that any child, in their tween years or younger, should be playing with an entire town's pride at stake, for a possible endorsement deal, or even a lucrative scholarship package. Football requires plenty of toughness but the damage impaired as far as their confidence is concerned ought to be taken into consideration before he/she steps on to the gridiron for the first time.
Posted by: fthayer
Posted on: 2003-12-31 12:32:14
Football is my favourite sport and I encourage as many children as possible to start playing early because it's more difficult to excel at if pursued later in life. However, it is imperative to know that certain age categories have their own unique motives for playing. As a child, the only thing that they ought to develop is how to be a team player and coexist with others. There is no way that any child, in their tween years or younger, should be playing with an entire town's pride at stake, for a possible endorsement deal, or even a lucrative scholarship package. Football requires plenty of toughness but the damage impaired as far as their confidence is concerned ought to be taken into consideration before he/she steps on to the gridiron for the first time.
help don't force
Posted by: mamalett
Posted on: 2003-09-17 09:09:34
I worry about the effects that these parents are having on their children. They are setting their children up for failure-not success. Forcing children to 'succeed' will not foster confidence. Instead, these children will have terrible low self esteem and feel that no matter what they do they will never be 'good enough'. They will have difficulty facing failure on any level. Any critizism will be internalized and taken very personally. Please help these parents see that what they are doing is harmful-not helpful.. Brenda Lett
Posted by: mamalett
Posted on: 2003-09-17 09:09:34
I worry about the effects that these parents are having on their children. They are setting their children up for failure-not success. Forcing children to 'succeed' will not foster confidence. Instead, these children will have terrible low self esteem and feel that no matter what they do they will never be 'good enough'. They will have difficulty facing failure on any level. Any critizism will be internalized and taken very personally. Please help these parents see that what they are doing is harmful-not helpful.. Brenda Lett
I'll tell you...
Posted by: kimberlyk5
Posted on: 2003-09-17 10:33:27
I grew up in a house like that one, and what it did was make me afraid to fail. If I was unsure if I was going to be the "best" I would not try at all. The last thing I wanted was to hear how badly I was doing. It has taken me a lot of work to get over that fear of not being the best, and now I am trying to instill the understanding in my children that the effort that they put out is worth more to me than if they are the best or not...they will always be superstars in my eyes. -Kimberly
Posted by: kimberlyk5
Posted on: 2003-09-17 10:33:27
I grew up in a house like that one, and what it did was make me afraid to fail. If I was unsure if I was going to be the "best" I would not try at all. The last thing I wanted was to hear how badly I was doing. It has taken me a lot of work to get over that fear of not being the best, and now I am trying to instill the understanding in my children that the effort that they put out is worth more to me than if they are the best or not...they will always be superstars in my eyes. -Kimberly
u. go. girl
Posted by: stefaniewh
Posted on: 2004-01-07 00:43:07
I just wrote on the message board today..I am so thankful that I realised in time what a horrible mistake I was making with my son. I never want to be the cause of any extra baggage my baby takes into his adult life..We all pick enough up on our own during the journey. Keep on breaking the cycles that your children don,t need to learn. that is what real parenting is all about realising that we can fail and make the wrong choices.. But as long as we have breath we can always do better.. I am proud of you..
Posted by: stefaniewh
Posted on: 2004-01-07 00:43:07
I just wrote on the message board today..I am so thankful that I realised in time what a horrible mistake I was making with my son. I never want to be the cause of any extra baggage my baby takes into his adult life..We all pick enough up on our own during the journey. Keep on breaking the cycles that your children don,t need to learn. that is what real parenting is all about realising that we can fail and make the wrong choices.. But as long as we have breath we can always do better.. I am proud of you..
Internalized rejection can be toxic!
Posted by: houndmom
Posted on: 2003-09-18 16:20:42
Brenda, you said it, lady! Nothing I ever did was good enough for my mother, and I have been trying to undo the consequences of that for decades. I spent my whole life beating my brains out trying to be perfect, just so my mom would think it was OK for me to be taking up space on the Earth. BY age 25, I had developed an eating disorder, major depression, and panic attacks. I married an abusive man, because I didn't think I deserved anyone better. I finally got smart at age 40 -- imagine the revelation when I learned, after many years of counseling, that it was my mom who was unhappy with her OWN life. She made herself feel better by belittling her child. So I divorced the abusive jerk, took charge of my own life, and simply stopped caring what my mom thought of me. I am now very happy and healthy, remarried to a wonderful man who accepts me as I am. I can't even feel sorry for my mother. She's alienated nearly everyone with her negativity. I hope to God this self-centered mother wakes up and accepts her children for what they are before they have to face the consequences of her negativity. They're bright, normal teenagers with great potential! Rejoice!
Posted by: houndmom
Posted on: 2003-09-18 16:20:42
Brenda, you said it, lady! Nothing I ever did was good enough for my mother, and I have been trying to undo the consequences of that for decades. I spent my whole life beating my brains out trying to be perfect, just so my mom would think it was OK for me to be taking up space on the Earth. BY age 25, I had developed an eating disorder, major depression, and panic attacks. I married an abusive man, because I didn't think I deserved anyone better. I finally got smart at age 40 -- imagine the revelation when I learned, after many years of counseling, that it was my mom who was unhappy with her OWN life. She made herself feel better by belittling her child. So I divorced the abusive jerk, took charge of my own life, and simply stopped caring what my mom thought of me. I am now very happy and healthy, remarried to a wonderful man who accepts me as I am. I can't even feel sorry for my mother. She's alienated nearly everyone with her negativity. I hope to God this self-centered mother wakes up and accepts her children for what they are before they have to face the consequences of her negativity. They're bright, normal teenagers with great potential! Rejoice!
question for houndmom
Posted by: mberk01
Posted on: 2003-12-30 14:38:23
When you stopped caring about "what your mom thought of you", did you cut off relations with her? Did you do anything else to tune out her messages?
What is your relationship now with your mom? Did you have siblings that feel the same way that you do about your mom?
Posted by: mberk01
Posted on: 2003-12-30 14:38:23
When you stopped caring about "what your mom thought of you", did you cut off relations with her? Did you do anything else to tune out her messages?
What is your relationship now with your mom? Did you have siblings that feel the same way that you do about your mom?
Making filters
Posted by: houndmom
Posted on: 2004-02-29 20:39:13
Good question. I didn't cut off relations with her. because that would be punishing my dad, and I felt that would just be avoiding the issue. What I do now is count to ten after her little jabs, and remind myself that she can say anything she wants, but I don't have to believe or even react to it. I have developed a mental filter for her negative comments. It's incredibly empowering to just reply, "I'm sorry you feel that way, and I don't agree." It sure takes the wind out of her sails when I don't get upset. I haven't any siblings, so it's just me, sink or swim!
:-)
Posted by: houndmom
Posted on: 2004-02-29 20:39:13
Good question. I didn't cut off relations with her. because that would be punishing my dad, and I felt that would just be avoiding the issue. What I do now is count to ten after her little jabs, and remind myself that she can say anything she wants, but I don't have to believe or even react to it. I have developed a mental filter for her negative comments. It's incredibly empowering to just reply, "I'm sorry you feel that way, and I don't agree." It sure takes the wind out of her sails when I don't get upset. I haven't any siblings, so it's just me, sink or swim!
:-)
Leth them Choose
Posted by: jarrard
Posted on: 2003-09-17 09:18:58
I have 2 daughters 21 and 18. Both played church basketball grade 1-6 and some YMCA bball in Jr high. The oldest played as a social event. She could lose and still want to stop for ice cream. That was okay. Later she chose to do marching band and artsy type things. She was good at that and is still very creative. Her motivation wasn't strong until she discovered what her dream job was. She is not pursuing that in a very disciplined way. The younger was the competitive one. She took Basketball serious in 1st grade. We encouraged her also, but spent time trying to help her see that winning wasn't everything. In 7th grade she discovered volleyball. A couple of years she played year-round at her choice. She drove herself to succeed; we supported and helped her put the sport in perspective with the rest of life. She told me in her 11th grade year that she USED to wish we were like another of her frequent teammate's parents and drove her more. She said she now was glad that we weren't, because those parents often made their daughter cry and punished her if she didn't perform well. That's when we knew that we were doing okay in this area of parenting. Later she was on a school team that won two 4A State Championships and came in second the 3rd year. She was sad when they lost that match, but she didn't pout and be sad and mad for weeks like she would have been had this happened to her two years earlier. She is still driven to succeed, but she better sees that their
Posted by: jarrard
Posted on: 2003-09-17 09:18:58
I have 2 daughters 21 and 18. Both played church basketball grade 1-6 and some YMCA bball in Jr high. The oldest played as a social event. She could lose and still want to stop for ice cream. That was okay. Later she chose to do marching band and artsy type things. She was good at that and is still very creative. Her motivation wasn't strong until she discovered what her dream job was. She is not pursuing that in a very disciplined way. The younger was the competitive one. She took Basketball serious in 1st grade. We encouraged her also, but spent time trying to help her see that winning wasn't everything. In 7th grade she discovered volleyball. A couple of years she played year-round at her choice. She drove herself to succeed; we supported and helped her put the sport in perspective with the rest of life. She told me in her 11th grade year that she USED to wish we were like another of her frequent teammate's parents and drove her more. She said she now was glad that we weren't, because those parents often made their daughter cry and punished her if she didn't perform well. That's when we knew that we were doing okay in this area of parenting. Later she was on a school team that won two 4A State Championships and came in second the 3rd year. She was sad when they lost that match, but she didn't pout and be sad and mad for weeks like she would have been had this happened to her two years earlier. She is still driven to succeed, but she better sees that their
she failed herself in softball
Posted by: iluvpapa99
Posted on: 2003-09-17 09:27:21
she obviously failed in many things in life and is acting like a fool with her kids she needs to grow up and let her kids be kids
Posted by: iluvpapa99
Posted on: 2003-09-17 09:27:21
she obviously failed in many things in life and is acting like a fool with her kids she needs to grow up and let her kids be kids
softball mom
Posted by: marrrr
Posted on: 2003-09-20 00:51:29
actually she is pretty successful and her kids are happy-you do realize dr phil is a "show" amd things have to be exciting
rest assured april doesn't really act that way- i've known her for years!!!!the
Posted by: marrrr
Posted on: 2003-09-20 00:51:29
actually she is pretty successful and her kids are happy-you do realize dr phil is a "show" amd things have to be exciting
rest assured april doesn't really act that way- i've known her for years!!!!the
So what are you saying?
Posted by: sheila2004
Posted on: 2003-12-30 12:25:34
Are you suggesting your friend is lying in order to be on TV?
It is nice of you to stand up for her. However, this is a real problem, and does deserve to be addressed. If April is 'not really like this' perhaps she should not have been on this episode and someone who does behave this way should have been.
Also, just because you have known someone for a long period of time does not mean you may know how they behave in all circumstances or with specific people behind closed doors.
Posted by: sheila2004
Posted on: 2003-12-30 12:25:34
Are you suggesting your friend is lying in order to be on TV?
It is nice of you to stand up for her. However, this is a real problem, and does deserve to be addressed. If April is 'not really like this' perhaps she should not have been on this episode and someone who does behave this way should have been.
Also, just because you have known someone for a long period of time does not mean you may know how they behave in all circumstances or with specific people behind closed doors.
Controlling mom!!
Posted by: vickie1001
Posted on: 2003-09-17 09:40:34
I believe that the control freak mom is taking a large risk that she will ultimately get the exact opposite results from her kids due to her behavior. Children NEED to have fun, need to feel in some control of their lives and need to be supported, not pushed. She is risking their total rebellion in the future and also alienation from them as adults. I also think that she must feel she has NO control over herself, therefore feels the need to control them. She should start inside and ask herself is it really ONLY her fear of them failing, or is it perhaps her own fear of inadequency that steers her. They should be becoming PEOPLE in and of themselves and not who she wants tham to be ... The reality is that there is really no healthy way to plan out someone else's success minute by minute and event by event. You can want the best for them, but in the end and it is only by encourageing them, not forceing to want the best for themselves. Oh yeah, no one says it is easy to be parent, and realizing that they are PEOPLE and not your objects or possesions is a good way to start being a better one.
Posted by: vickie1001
Posted on: 2003-09-17 09:40:34
I believe that the control freak mom is taking a large risk that she will ultimately get the exact opposite results from her kids due to her behavior. Children NEED to have fun, need to feel in some control of their lives and need to be supported, not pushed. She is risking their total rebellion in the future and also alienation from them as adults. I also think that she must feel she has NO control over herself, therefore feels the need to control them. She should start inside and ask herself is it really ONLY her fear of them failing, or is it perhaps her own fear of inadequency that steers her. They should be becoming PEOPLE in and of themselves and not who she wants tham to be ... The reality is that there is really no healthy way to plan out someone else's success minute by minute and event by event. You can want the best for them, but in the end and it is only by encourageing them, not forceing to want the best for themselves. Oh yeah, no one says it is easy to be parent, and realizing that they are PEOPLE and not your objects or possesions is a good way to start being a better one.
