01/16 Can This Marriage Be Saved?
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Posted by: djrbentley
Posted on: 2003-01-16 17:13:25
I know exactly how this poor woman feels. I lived with my ex-husband for 3 years before we were married and everytime he got upset or " felt like something was missing" he would take back my ring and not speak for 3 weeks at a time. After we were married he promised he would never mention divorce unless he really meant it. He LIED! After the third time and out first child I had had enough. I didnt want my son growing up not knowing from one day to the next if his parents were going to be married or not so I filed for divorce. On the day we went to court he said " we truly shouldnt be here." I finally called his bluff and after the divorce was final I finally started feeling good about myself again. I still love him with all my heart and its hard everyday, but I think, like me, sooner or later she will get tired of being a door mat and will send him packing to find whatever it is he is looking for.
Posted by: djrbentley
Posted on: 2003-01-16 17:13:25
I know exactly how this poor woman feels. I lived with my ex-husband for 3 years before we were married and everytime he got upset or " felt like something was missing" he would take back my ring and not speak for 3 weeks at a time. After we were married he promised he would never mention divorce unless he really meant it. He LIED! After the third time and out first child I had had enough. I didnt want my son growing up not knowing from one day to the next if his parents were going to be married or not so I filed for divorce. On the day we went to court he said " we truly shouldnt be here." I finally called his bluff and after the divorce was final I finally started feeling good about myself again. I still love him with all my heart and its hard everyday, but I think, like me, sooner or later she will get tired of being a door mat and will send him packing to find whatever it is he is looking for.
Letting Him come back
Posted by: babsfromcc
Posted on: 2003-01-16 19:33:42
I and my husband are separated right now, and have been since Nov. I left him, after 9 years of marriage because he let his kids (grown now) come in and not only run the house, but get into my face. The last straw came when his 24 yr. old moved in. During the first week he was there, he confronted me and I told my husband to choose him or me, and he chose him. This grown kid thinks he has a right to "express" his opinion on anything and everything. Everything must be the way he wants it, everything. No having the fan on if he can hear it. Football on the only tv in the house. Drinking when he wanted, bringing in whom he wanted, smoking pot in the back yard (at another time) and my husband never says a word to him or the other two, ever. So, I had my fill and left. It is very hard for me because we were highschool sweethearts and found each other after 28 years. I guess I will always love him, and have tried numerous times to contact him-even writing a letter and poem and sending them. No word, no call. I gave him and his kids Christmas gifts, sent them all a card and didn't get even a card from him. Does this say he doesn't really love me at all? Is he using this opportunity to get rid of me? Has this relationship been a lie for the past 9 years? Did he use me for money (his son said I "bought" them)? The last time I saw him was Friday post Christmas and he hid in the back yard. When I went to him, he glared at me and told me I was pressuring him. I think he
Posted by: babsfromcc
Posted on: 2003-01-16 19:33:42
I and my husband are separated right now, and have been since Nov. I left him, after 9 years of marriage because he let his kids (grown now) come in and not only run the house, but get into my face. The last straw came when his 24 yr. old moved in. During the first week he was there, he confronted me and I told my husband to choose him or me, and he chose him. This grown kid thinks he has a right to "express" his opinion on anything and everything. Everything must be the way he wants it, everything. No having the fan on if he can hear it. Football on the only tv in the house. Drinking when he wanted, bringing in whom he wanted, smoking pot in the back yard (at another time) and my husband never says a word to him or the other two, ever. So, I had my fill and left. It is very hard for me because we were highschool sweethearts and found each other after 28 years. I guess I will always love him, and have tried numerous times to contact him-even writing a letter and poem and sending them. No word, no call. I gave him and his kids Christmas gifts, sent them all a card and didn't get even a card from him. Does this say he doesn't really love me at all? Is he using this opportunity to get rid of me? Has this relationship been a lie for the past 9 years? Did he use me for money (his son said I "bought" them)? The last time I saw him was Friday post Christmas and he hid in the back yard. When I went to him, he glared at me and told me I was pressuring him. I think he
Posted by: expdsgt
Posted on: 2003-01-16 20:27:16
Lady;Back off-- if he wants to come home and be a husband he will---you can't make him come back and do you really want to. Set him free, if he comes back he is yours, if not he never was
Huh?expdsqt?
Posted by: nasale
Posted on: 2003-01-17 14:04:45
I'm going to try to be polite about this-That's an old, used up cliche' and it is a bunch of hooey.It is the 'battle cry' of all the women who get themselves involved with a married man. The days when women have to take that crap are dwindling away more every year.THANK GOD!!!'PUlleeze!!If you love him, set him free, if you love yourself, get rid of the loser!
Posted by: nasale
Posted on: 2003-01-17 14:04:45
I'm going to try to be polite about this-That's an old, used up cliche' and it is a bunch of hooey.It is the 'battle cry' of all the women who get themselves involved with a married man. The days when women have to take that crap are dwindling away more every year.THANK GOD!!!'PUlleeze!!If you love him, set him free, if you love yourself, get rid of the loser!
When will you get enough?
Posted by: sibergee
Posted on: 2003-01-21 02:19:56
Sweetheart - I hope you took him to the cleaners when you walked out the door! You have put 9 years into a relationship that WILL NOT change as long as he puts his children before you. And you are better off without the hassle than groveling and begging for his love and attention. Please go find yourself some wholesome friends and enjoy yourself -- maybe some man out there will appreciate you for YOU, but it's not necessary to have a husband to make your life complete. Sometimes it's better to have a friend.
Posted by: sibergee
Posted on: 2003-01-21 02:19:56
Sweetheart - I hope you took him to the cleaners when you walked out the door! You have put 9 years into a relationship that WILL NOT change as long as he puts his children before you. And you are better off without the hassle than groveling and begging for his love and attention. Please go find yourself some wholesome friends and enjoy yourself -- maybe some man out there will appreciate you for YOU, but it's not necessary to have a husband to make your life complete. Sometimes it's better to have a friend.
when wil you have enough
Posted by: babsfromcc
Posted on: 2003-01-23 17:09:24
Thanks so much, it is good to hear some reasonable advise. You know, the saying is, when you ask for advise it is because you already know the answer and you don't like it, so you ask someone else what to do, hoping they will give you a different one. I am going to give a motivational speech to a group of graduates who have been convicted of crimes involving drug useage. I was honord and amazed to be asked, but the lady said my attitude now is so positive, she wants me to share it with the graduates of this program. I am on my way, and I know no matter what happens, I will be okay. Thanks for letting me vent, and thanks for your gentle words.
Babs
Posted by: babsfromcc
Posted on: 2003-01-23 17:09:24
Thanks so much, it is good to hear some reasonable advise. You know, the saying is, when you ask for advise it is because you already know the answer and you don't like it, so you ask someone else what to do, hoping they will give you a different one. I am going to give a motivational speech to a group of graduates who have been convicted of crimes involving drug useage. I was honord and amazed to be asked, but the lady said my attitude now is so positive, she wants me to share it with the graduates of this program. I am on my way, and I know no matter what happens, I will be okay. Thanks for letting me vent, and thanks for your gentle words.
Babs
Your husband didn't lie to you
Posted by: dellapoo
Posted on: 2003-01-16 21:03:22
He had been telling you for the three years you lived with him that he was a jerk and couldn't be trusted and certainly wasn't ready for marriage. And you married him. And you had a baby. Shame on you.
Posted by: dellapoo
Posted on: 2003-01-16 21:03:22
He had been telling you for the three years you lived with him that he was a jerk and couldn't be trusted and certainly wasn't ready for marriage. And you married him. And you had a baby. Shame on you.
Per letting him come back over and over
Posted by: joyfun
Posted on: 2003-01-16 22:20:38
Sounds like you need a Dr. Phil or a Solomon to help you now that you've divorced him. Perhaps a wise counselor can assist you to not dance the waltz of mutual rejection again. Is he still with the other woman? You probably really need that wise counselor if you still 'love him with all your heart'.
Posted by: joyfun
Posted on: 2003-01-16 22:20:38
Sounds like you need a Dr. Phil or a Solomon to help you now that you've divorced him. Perhaps a wise counselor can assist you to not dance the waltz of mutual rejection again. Is he still with the other woman? You probably really need that wise counselor if you still 'love him with all your heart'.
His point of view
Posted by: megacrikey
Posted on: 2003-01-17 12:52:49
I know it probably seems ridiculous to want to leave a perfectly decent husband. It also seems ridiculous to say that the reasons for wanting to leave is that you feel like there's something else out there and that you know you need to find it. The other part of the situation is the depression which builds the longer you feel trapped. I also understand the homesickness for the familiar and how the longer you're gone the more you love the person you were with. Then going back and within a month or so realizing that you have to get out or you're going to scream.
Posted by: megacrikey
Posted on: 2003-01-17 12:52:49
I know it probably seems ridiculous to want to leave a perfectly decent husband. It also seems ridiculous to say that the reasons for wanting to leave is that you feel like there's something else out there and that you know you need to find it. The other part of the situation is the depression which builds the longer you feel trapped. I also understand the homesickness for the familiar and how the longer you're gone the more you love the person you were with. Then going back and within a month or so realizing that you have to get out or you're going to scream.
If you knew how he was - why did you marry him?
Posted by: sibergee
Posted on: 2003-01-21 03:54:15
I am always amazed at the women (and men) who say - "he did -thus and so" behaviour before we got married. Why do you think it will be any different just because you have a marriage license? People's basic personalities are NOT going to change after marriage. If he's a slob- chances are he'll remain a slob. If she hates to cook- prepare to eat out, take home, or learn to cook. She isn't going to become Julia Childs after the honeymoon! Now you have more baggage than you can check - and time and emotional energy wasted on someone you KNEW wasn't strong for this realtionship. Cut your losses and get on with your life -- THIS IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL - you dont'get another chance.
Posted by: sibergee
Posted on: 2003-01-21 03:54:15
I am always amazed at the women (and men) who say - "he did -thus and so" behaviour before we got married. Why do you think it will be any different just because you have a marriage license? People's basic personalities are NOT going to change after marriage. If he's a slob- chances are he'll remain a slob. If she hates to cook- prepare to eat out, take home, or learn to cook. She isn't going to become Julia Childs after the honeymoon! Now you have more baggage than you can check - and time and emotional energy wasted on someone you KNEW wasn't strong for this realtionship. Cut your losses and get on with your life -- THIS IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL - you dont'get another chance.
This is going to be a good one!
Posted by: scout_mom
Posted on: 2003-01-16 09:10:33
WOW. I am watching the show. We are 5 minutes in and I'm hooked. This is going to be a good one. My husband Joel smoked when we started dating. He knew from high school that I didn't like smoke. So he quit in order to date me. I didn't even know he smoked until my MIL complained about me making him quit! That was a year after we were married. I thought she was nuts until Joel admitted that he just quit for me as soon as he asked me out! That's a man!
Posted by: scout_mom
Posted on: 2003-01-16 09:10:33
WOW. I am watching the show. We are 5 minutes in and I'm hooked. This is going to be a good one. My husband Joel smoked when we started dating. He knew from high school that I didn't like smoke. So he quit in order to date me. I didn't even know he smoked until my MIL complained about me making him quit! That was a year after we were married. I thought she was nuts until Joel admitted that he just quit for me as soon as he asked me out! That's a man!
Secret smoker
Posted by: trudyleas
Posted on: 2003-01-16 15:26:49
My husband has always been against smoking. In fact, I smoked when I was in HS and he wouldn't kiss me and would be mad. I quit and not smoked since. Now 25 years later he is smoking up to a pack a week for about a year. He doesn't smoke in front of me or the kids. It's a secret kind of thing that's driving me insane. He says it's just a nervous kind of thing and it won't last long but for me it's become a habit. I nag at him alot when I know he's had a smoke. Basically I'm just worried about his health. He's over weight and heart disease runs in both sides of his family. Both grandfather died at a young age. Nothing I say seems to get through to him.
Posted by: trudyleas
Posted on: 2003-01-16 15:26:49
My husband has always been against smoking. In fact, I smoked when I was in HS and he wouldn't kiss me and would be mad. I quit and not smoked since. Now 25 years later he is smoking up to a pack a week for about a year. He doesn't smoke in front of me or the kids. It's a secret kind of thing that's driving me insane. He says it's just a nervous kind of thing and it won't last long but for me it's become a habit. I nag at him alot when I know he's had a smoke. Basically I'm just worried about his health. He's over weight and heart disease runs in both sides of his family. Both grandfather died at a young age. Nothing I say seems to get through to him.
Take a trip
Posted by: sibergee
Posted on: 2003-01-21 04:06:10
I know this may seen morbid, but I'm being serious. Ask your husband to accompany you on an errand you need to run. And go by the funeral home to make pre-arrangments -- since you are not sure when you may need them, and you might ask if they give discounts to smokers, since they know they will be using their "arrangements" more quickly. You will at least get his attention!!
Posted by: sibergee
Posted on: 2003-01-21 04:06:10
I know this may seen morbid, but I'm being serious. Ask your husband to accompany you on an errand you need to run. And go by the funeral home to make pre-arrangments -- since you are not sure when you may need them, and you might ask if they give discounts to smokers, since they know they will be using their "arrangements" more quickly. You will at least get his attention!!
A GREAT way to Quit
Posted by: irish61
Posted on: 2003-01-16 16:18:39
Sam, the guy who can't quit smoking? He should try the method my Father in law AND Mother in law tried after they both smoked for 50+ years.
They both quit in ONE day using this method. The method? they used the Farmer's Almanac. It relies on moon phases. I have even quit smoking using this method. The Farmer's Almanac has a web site and has a feature called "Best Days" (Best days to bake, wean, harvest, cut hair, quit smoking etc) (also found in their book version) Every month's best days for doing these sorts of things can be found here:
http://www.farmersalmanac.com/bestdays/bestdays.html
To quit on these "best days", you just don't pick up a cigarette.
If it doesn't help Sam, maybe it will help someone reading the boards. It really works
Posted by: irish61
Posted on: 2003-01-16 16:18:39
Sam, the guy who can't quit smoking? He should try the method my Father in law AND Mother in law tried after they both smoked for 50+ years.
They both quit in ONE day using this method. The method? they used the Farmer's Almanac. It relies on moon phases. I have even quit smoking using this method. The Farmer's Almanac has a web site and has a feature called "Best Days" (Best days to bake, wean, harvest, cut hair, quit smoking etc) (also found in their book version) Every month's best days for doing these sorts of things can be found here:
http://www.farmersalmanac.com/bestdays/bestdays.html
To quit on these "best days", you just don't pick up a cigarette.
If it doesn't help Sam, maybe it will help someone reading the boards. It really works
this is going to be a good one!
Posted by: cskidd
Posted on: 2003-01-16 17:22:11
yes, i am a smoker! but let me tell you, badgering, nagging and detroying sam's personal property will not make him WANT to quit.
how about a little support? that goes a lot farther than demands.
and teaching your children that this is the way to get someone you love to meet your demands?
i feel that dr. phil was predjudiced from the beginning because sam is a smoker.
i think sam's wife needs to deal with her father's death. that is an issue with her. that is like my husband saying that because his mother died in a car accident, he demands that i not ride in a car.
Posted by: cskidd
Posted on: 2003-01-16 17:22:11
yes, i am a smoker! but let me tell you, badgering, nagging and detroying sam's personal property will not make him WANT to quit.
how about a little support? that goes a lot farther than demands.
and teaching your children that this is the way to get someone you love to meet your demands?
i feel that dr. phil was predjudiced from the beginning because sam is a smoker.
i think sam's wife needs to deal with her father's death. that is an issue with her. that is like my husband saying that because his mother died in a car accident, he demands that i not ride in a car.
Support For Sam
Posted by: 1sttlesis
Posted on: 2003-01-16 18:56:06
I was really moved by Sam and his wife Wendy today. I am a current smoker. One of those "evil" people that everyone punishes now. However, I feel that Dr. Phil really felt bad for Sam. Wendy is a destructive, domineering woman and no wonder Sam smokes! I think that instead of discussing their domestice problems here, I want to say that I support Sam all the way with the challenge that Dr. Phil presented to him! I came to tears during that handshake. It was a "scared one" and I understand it!
I have to quit smoking next week as I am having major dental surgery next week and cannot smoke for at least a week afer. I want to quit when Sam does and start a support group right here, right now, for Sam and whoever else is a smoker who wants to quit with him!! Let's support Sam!!
Going Smokeless in Seattle
jm
Posted by: 1sttlesis
Posted on: 2003-01-16 18:56:06
I was really moved by Sam and his wife Wendy today. I am a current smoker. One of those "evil" people that everyone punishes now. However, I feel that Dr. Phil really felt bad for Sam. Wendy is a destructive, domineering woman and no wonder Sam smokes! I think that instead of discussing their domestice problems here, I want to say that I support Sam all the way with the challenge that Dr. Phil presented to him! I came to tears during that handshake. It was a "scared one" and I understand it!
I have to quit smoking next week as I am having major dental surgery next week and cannot smoke for at least a week afer. I want to quit when Sam does and start a support group right here, right now, for Sam and whoever else is a smoker who wants to quit with him!! Let's support Sam!!
Going Smokeless in Seattle
jm
A former smoker myself
Posted by: maddys3
Posted on: 2003-01-16 19:14:12
To compare dying in a car accident and dying from an illness, proven to be smoking related, is not only ridiculous but just plain dumb. Smoking related illnesses are something that can be prevented. It has been proven time and time again what smoking can do to the smoker and the people exposed to the second hand smoke. The only reason to not quit is pure selfishness. I am the mother of 3 young children who is married to a smoker that also wont quit. I am also an ex-smoker so all the old excuses to not quit don't fly with me. I am proof that it can be done. When you take on the responsibility of a family it is for a lifetime and to knowingly take a risk of shortening your lifetime is a very selfish act. No one has the right to take away a parent from a child when it could be avoided. I, like many other spouses, have been supportive, but after giving your support time and time again and to have it thrown back in your face, nagging, badgering, etc. etc. etc. are perfectly understandable. I have had promises of quiting broken so many times I can't count them. I have been lied to by the one person on this earth that I should be able to trust the most. I perfectly understand where Wendy is coming from and she is absolutly right. I , Like Wendy love my husband and don't want to loose him, but the idea of my children losing their father is even more frightening to me. If you can't do it for yourself do it for the people who love and need you. My father said smoking wouldn't
Posted by: maddys3
Posted on: 2003-01-16 19:14:12
To compare dying in a car accident and dying from an illness, proven to be smoking related, is not only ridiculous but just plain dumb. Smoking related illnesses are something that can be prevented. It has been proven time and time again what smoking can do to the smoker and the people exposed to the second hand smoke. The only reason to not quit is pure selfishness. I am the mother of 3 young children who is married to a smoker that also wont quit. I am also an ex-smoker so all the old excuses to not quit don't fly with me. I am proof that it can be done. When you take on the responsibility of a family it is for a lifetime and to knowingly take a risk of shortening your lifetime is a very selfish act. No one has the right to take away a parent from a child when it could be avoided. I, like many other spouses, have been supportive, but after giving your support time and time again and to have it thrown back in your face, nagging, badgering, etc. etc. etc. are perfectly understandable. I have had promises of quiting broken so many times I can't count them. I have been lied to by the one person on this earth that I should be able to trust the most. I perfectly understand where Wendy is coming from and she is absolutly right. I , Like Wendy love my husband and don't want to loose him, but the idea of my children losing their father is even more frightening to me. If you can't do it for yourself do it for the people who love and need you. My father said smoking wouldn't
To cskidd about GOOD ONE...
Posted by: jayspin
Posted on: 2003-01-16 21:21:32
Now, you can't really believe what you said about smoking and driving, can you? I mean, smoking is taking a drug into your lungs and circulatory system by choice. Like Dr.Phil said, it's putting leaves in your mouth, and setting them on fire! There are safe ways to drive, but there are no safe ways to smoke. In a car, somone may slam into you and kill you, but when you smoke, the only thing that will kill you, is YOU!! How can you equate the two things? I can really tell that you are a smoker even without your saying it. I'm married to one, and nothing will make him stop; especially support, because then, he feels sorry for himself because he's addicted. That's what a regular smoker is, you know...addicted. No, destroying the person's property who smokes, is wrong. But, people who love these smokers are desparate to stop them from destroying their health...their lives. What's a non-smoker to do? jayspin
Posted by: jayspin
Posted on: 2003-01-16 21:21:32
Now, you can't really believe what you said about smoking and driving, can you? I mean, smoking is taking a drug into your lungs and circulatory system by choice. Like Dr.Phil said, it's putting leaves in your mouth, and setting them on fire! There are safe ways to drive, but there are no safe ways to smoke. In a car, somone may slam into you and kill you, but when you smoke, the only thing that will kill you, is YOU!! How can you equate the two things? I can really tell that you are a smoker even without your saying it. I'm married to one, and nothing will make him stop; especially support, because then, he feels sorry for himself because he's addicted. That's what a regular smoker is, you know...addicted. No, destroying the person's property who smokes, is wrong. But, people who love these smokers are desparate to stop them from destroying their health...their lives. What's a non-smoker to do? jayspin
Smokers unite! Okay!
Posted by: nettieperi
Posted on: 2003-06-26 02:08:57
A word to non-smoking spouses-Look. We smokers know it will shorten our life-span,and we'll probably die of a massive heart-attack.But does any person think that nagging your spouse does any good? Achieves anything? My mother died at the age of 75 from Motor Nearon Disease-it took her five years to gradually become more disabled and die. My father died, about a month later, having suffered prostrate, kidney, then brain cancer. And they didn't smoke, drink much ( my mother not at all), dieted all their married lives, and they ate fruit and vegetables all the time. Me personally, SINCE WE ALL HAVE TO DIE, I'm hoping for the massive heart attack.
Regards
annette
Posted by: nettieperi
Posted on: 2003-06-26 02:08:57
A word to non-smoking spouses-Look. We smokers know it will shorten our life-span,and we'll probably die of a massive heart-attack.But does any person think that nagging your spouse does any good? Achieves anything? My mother died at the age of 75 from Motor Nearon Disease-it took her five years to gradually become more disabled and die. My father died, about a month later, having suffered prostrate, kidney, then brain cancer. And they didn't smoke, drink much ( my mother not at all), dieted all their married lives, and they ate fruit and vegetables all the time. Me personally, SINCE WE ALL HAVE TO DIE, I'm hoping for the massive heart attack.
Regards
annette
