01/22 Settle Your Disputes

The step-mom
Posted by: mitemidget
Posted on: 2003-01-22 10:17:51

Well this episode really hit home. I am the stepmom to two wonderful kids. However my husbands ex-wife would like me to fall off the face of the earth. She is still hurt I think and that is why she acts the way she does. It has been 4 years and I would think the wound should be healed by now. She has said things to the kids ie I am not allowed at sporting events or even by their house. I have never done anything to this person other than marry her ex-husband. This has brought issues with the kids and myself only because I do not want to invade in their space with their mom and make them feel like they have to avoid me because we are in the same room. I love them to pieces and when they are with us it is great. It is just to bad that she can not get along for the kids sake.
Step-mom
Posted by: ddtigger
Posted on: 2003-01-22 16:03:00

I have found that the name "Step-mom" has taken on a new meaning. Since meeting my husband and marrying him, his ex has done everything to make life miserable for everyone. She has us in court all the time. It seems like nothing we or I do is right. She has accused me (to the children) of being the reason that their marriage broke up. I was not even in the same state at the time. I honestly don't know what to do, I am really at my wits end. I love my husband dearly and he is also had a rough time. We have even been in counseling many different times, the children, the parents/step-parents, the children and step mom, the mom and step mom. Get the idea. Nothing has worked. The last time we were in counseling she complained because she was having to miss work, she gets paid over $19.00 an hour, and I get about $9, we scheduled an appointed for 4:30 the next time ( she gets off at 3 pm and I get off at 5 pm. That was cancelled (by her) and never rescheduled. Anyone have any ideas maybe someone has an idea that I haven't tried.
from one ex to another
Posted by: hjh123
Posted on: 2003-01-23 12:26:42

I am an EXwife. thats all I am. My husband left me for his current wife. Was it hard, Yes am I better off, yes. Is it hard for my daughter yes. These I am sure are the same for any ex wife or family that has experienced a divorce. So my question is actually it not even a question. Just grow up. I am sorry but it is riduculus to cut down the step mom or the dad. Doesn't hurt them it hurts your kids. This is so plain I don't even know why it's any issue. I donot like my ex's wife or him for that matter. There both idiots.But I willnever be rude to them even in our disagreements. we all look at what is the best interest of my daughter. Our personal feeling have Know relativty in it. Shoot I'm divorced I'm not listening to him cut me down anymore and he's not going to listen to me do that. That communication for the "past" is over. and it doesn't matter if you can move on from it or not. Pay a counsoler to deal with yourself leave the kids out of it. find a neutral person to take the kids to for the exchange if you half to. Step-moms your not alway innocent either although I tend to think your better about it in most cases.Friends that I have are on both sides and unfortunately its the ex wife that gets nasty. No one has the right to undermined the parents or talk bad about any of them. Have some maturity and dignity. when you hate some one that is like permanatly velcroing them in your self that takes away personal dignity. They can't play the game if you don't particpate in it
Ex-spouse disputes
Posted by: finnegan13
Posted on: 2004-03-05 16:28:47

I go out of my way to show respect for my ex for my son's sake, but can't get him to do the same. After 4-1/2 years since the initial separation I am running out of patience. Common consideration to communicate about things happening with our son should not be too much to ask. I call to update him, he is too busy, I request he call back when it is convenient, I never hear from him again unless I make at least another call. The divorce was his idea and seeing, talking, or sending a message seems to be too hard for him. I go out of my way to be pleasant but it seems to be too hard for him. It seems I need to turn into a shrew or just leave him in the dark and do what I feel is right without concerning him or worrying about preparing him about something. There must be someone out there that has been in this situation and managed to find what works for the best of the child.

Posted by: melodi63
Posted on: 2005-02-16 13:15:48

My situation is similiar to yours, only it has now been 18 years since we divorced. My daughter is 19 and I finally understood that I had to accept my ex for the way he is. I cannot make him be a good father. Once I accepted that, things were much better for me. How old is your son? If your son is old enough, he can be the one to call his dad and let him know about things going on. Other than that, put the ball back in your husbands court. If he wants to know what is going on, he needs to call. If he doesn't call, it is out of your control. It is not your job to keep him updated, unless he is asking you to do so and you have agreed to that.
step-mom
Posted by: mommythree
Posted on: 2003-01-23 14:26:18

I don't know if this advice will help you, but maybe you and your husband and the children should go to counceling together. You cannot change the attitude or behavior of his ex-wife, but you certainly can control how you (and your husband) react. Perhaps you can get help in this area.
Ex's
Posted by: zenwalker
Posted on: 2003-01-28 10:57:56

I am a little confused on which area i should be in, I am the "ex" wife and the new wife, our childrens father lives 3000 miles away from them, and he and I fight all the time, he usually has his g/f call me or deal with me, I feel it should be he and I , yes I am territorial with our children I am 36 she is 22, EXCEPT she does a GREAT job with our daughters, but it seems as if I am not doing what he wishes I am the bad guy,be it how to teach them alesson or so on, He tells me I am the worst thing for them, and he has read all of his g/f child physcology books so he knows better.... he call's once a week and then expects the world from me.. He is a good father and I am a good mother and I need to know what is best to resolve this problem, I am not out to get him.... I have his picture and his son's and his g/f's all over my house for our children "I don't enjoy looking at them but I do for our girls" I wish I had won the lottery and then I would buy him a house and give him a job so he could be right next to our daughters.
HeLp LoSt in Ex LaNd
Thank you for any replys at all!
Zenny
Re:zenwalker
Posted by: sisone1951
Posted on: 2003-01-30 11:11:32

SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE A VERY GOOD PERSON AND ARE TRYING EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT..KEEP IT UP NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS AND WHEN YOU GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT YOU CAN REST KNOWING YOU ARE DOING ALL YOU CAN...LET HIM DEAL WITH HIMSELF !! THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE HIM SO DON'T LOOSE SLEEP OVER IT JUST KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK !!
Sisone TY
Posted by: zenwalker
Posted on: 2003-02-04 08:00:21

Thank you for replying, sorry it toool so long to reply back, this board can be confusing at times, trying to find replys and all...
Anyhow, TY for your comments, I use to feel really bad except now I know as long as I do what is right for our daughters then I am ok.... divorce is soo ugly sometimes and the sad things is that children get caught up in the fight that should be between the parents!.. I say dislike ME don't screw with the kids!......
Again TY
Zenny
I'd rather just be "My dad's Wife"
Posted by: brikyrd
Posted on: 2003-09-26 12:07:44

I have found that the term in itself of "step mom" is not only degrading, but quite self destructive. I would rather be introduced by my husbands son as "my dad's wife", and not "my step mom". It sences to me that I'm only a "step" away from being someone whom I'm not nor want to be. My husbands ex-wife has done nothing but cause trouble in our marriage since the day we were married. 6 months after we were married, he went to pick up his son on a regular visitation saturday, and she had his bags packed and said, "here you do it for awhile", and he came to live with us. Being a new bride, a new homeowner, a new business owner, now a new "mother" too? The son (after 6 1/2 years) is now back living with his mother, and she is still causing problems. Sounds like were in the same boat.
mitemidget
Posted by: swingqueen
Posted on: 2003-01-22 16:10:52

Well, after four years, MOM is still not better, because it makes a mom really angry to hear how wonderful things are with her ex and HER children, and how you love them to pieces. She probably doesn't care about HIM, but your attitude probably comes across we would be just fine if his "ex" wasn't in the picture. You can tell when a new wife is really interested in the kids welfare by how she tries to embrace their mother, respect her and give her credit for having raised some great kids. I know this, my second husband, which was a shock that I even would ever marry again, has NEVER interferred in 10 years, with the kids (now adults) and stayed silently close to support me. I have never heard my children say an unkind word about him, as he was there to help WHEN ASKED, but never butted in. The statement that hurts the most (and I don't know your situation) but it's too bad she cannot get along for the kids sake. That can mean lots of things, I realize, but I can relate to having been left out and disrespected by the new wife, as she was "saving" my children...from what, I don't know. Jada Pinkett-Smith (Will Smith's wife) said great things on Oprah...unless she was able to embrace Will's first wife, it would have made his first son fell as if his mom was left out as well. So they include her and his son in every family function. Such respect and maturity....I admire her for that, and I am sure that oldest boy feels safer with his mother there whenever there is a family fun
mitemidget
Posted by: kdewulf
Posted on: 2003-01-22 16:51:10

I have been with my husband for 11 years and his ex-wife cannot move on with her own life. When you say that the step parent should only be there as needed is a crock of crap. I am here and a part of their life. How could he/she just sit there and see something happening and just say "oh I guess the birth parents will work it out". It's not the biological factors that matter. It is who is in their life. I say a MOM or ex-wife needs to get over it and appreiate the fact that her children are being cared for and loved by someone and that they can also learn to love others in there life.

Posted by: akgirl77
Posted on: 2003-01-22 16:56:11

God! Why do you women feel so threatened and insecure by anyone but YOU loving your children?
I'm a stepmom, and I love my stepkids very much, much to the dismay of their mother. I have never said any bad words about her in front of the children, but she calls me horrid things (as well as tells the children their father is an a**, etc.) in an attempt to "win." She has NOT moved on from their divorce 4 years ago, but SO WHAT? Why should the children, or ANYONE for that matter, suffer because she can not move on?

The last time I checked, we were all supposed to be in this for the CHILDREN's sake, and you're nuts lady if you feel that any stepparent's job is to revere the mother/father of their spouse's child so that that parent can feel better about themself. You insecure mothers need to get over yourself and realize that YOU are the mothers, WE are the stepmothers, and the kid knows who is who. Why would you be so selfish as to deny someone loving your child? So you can feel better about yourself? I wish mothers like you would grow up.
to akgirl77
Posted by: debraanne6
Posted on: 2003-01-22 18:02:10

Bravo! You expressed yourself beautifully! I am the "bio"mom and my kids have a stepmom. I do not feel possessive of my children, and as you said, kids know who's who in the family unit. I don't feel that their stepmom is an evil person, and my kids seem to like her alot--what kind of mother would I be to deny my children another person in their life who will love them and support them? She and I have had our differences, of course, but for the most part it's civil between us, as it is between me and my ex-husband.
My kids spend alot of time with their stepmom so it's NORMAL for them to have strong feelings about her, to enjoy her company, to have fun with her. I don't for one minute think they will stop loving me or considering me their mother because they love her, too. Because I don't have a fear of that, I can be happy she's in their lives.
TO debraabbe6
Posted by: mythreecat
Posted on: 2003-01-22 18:16:50

i loved what you wrote about not having a problem with your kids liking your childrens step-mom. i wish that my husbands ex could feel this way about me and him. she dislikes both of us and doesnt want us to even be in my step-daughters life. we had to take her to court just to be able to see my step-daugther and that has made things worse because the bio mother doesnt have the control to keep the child from us. i just want to tell you that you are doing the right thing for your kids and i wish there were more bio mothers like that. i would love to be friends with my husbands ex-wife but she won't even consider it.
to mythreecat
Posted by: debraanne6
Posted on: 2003-01-22 18:33:56

Thanks for your response. Not all "bio moms" are evil, as not all stepmoms are either. They truly give us a bad name!
WHile I have a decent relationship with my kids stepmom, I really wish it was better, like we felt like we could be friends. I had a very nice conversations with her at Christmas--she helped my kids pick out a beautiful candle for me as a gift and I was so touched by that. I had to call and talk to my ex about something, and when she answered I thanked her and told her how much that meant to me; that she would do that. She was gracious and kind and wished me a merry christmas and a happy new year. I can't tell you how happy SHE made me by just that one simple gesture. People have NO IDEA how much the simplest things can mean.
Good luck to you--I wish you the best and I think you are doing the right thing. Don't give up hope in seeing your step daughter, and don't let the exes anger and bitterness make YOU angry and bitter.
To Debraanne6
Posted by: mrshdeux
Posted on: 2003-01-22 18:37:02

Oh my gosh, can we have you switch places with our "biomom" I'd give anything to have a reasonable person like you to deal with. We have been in and out of court for 9 years. Even when we have court orders for things like vacation plans, and custody time the bio mom always has to try to change or deny the court order. Every single thing my husband asks for is either denied or ignored by her, thus we have to go to court to get a simple answer to where my stepson will go to camp for the summer. My stepson suffers as does my own son. The money we have spent on lawyers could have been used for vacations with the kids, private schools etc. but it went to the lawyers instead. The bio mom is only hurting her own child by all of the lies, deception and angst she has passed on to him. Not to mention all of the things I do for my stepson, you think she would see the good. Keep up your noble actions! You are a rarity indeed.
to mrshdeux!
Posted by: debraanne6
Posted on: 2003-01-22 19:01:56

Well, don't paint me as Mother Theresa over here! I have had disagreements with my ex, have had disagreements with his wife. It's not all sunshine and roses but I do UNDERSTAND it is as difficult as I make it. I bet there are lots of wonderful ex wives and great step moms--you just don't hear about them because it's not that interesting. Like with teenagers these days; you only hear about the wild ones, the violent ones. No one would buy a newspaper to read about the good ones who get good grades and go to church with their parents--how dramatic is that? BOR-RING! But they are out there, I know it.
I can only speak from an ex wife point of view but these ex wives who make so much trouble and cause so much pain--they must be in a ton of pain themselves to be like that.
To not be able to move on and wish their ex husbands well, to complicate their childrens lives more than divorce ALREADY does, is really deserving of pity. I don't mean to excuse them, we are all responsible for our own actions, and I think step moms (or BONUS MOMS I love that word) need to work with their husbands to stand firm against this.
WERE YOU LISTENING?
Posted by: kittin
Posted on: 2003-01-22 22:11:46

Did you hear what Dr. Phil said? Is not about how unreasonable the ex is. It is about you, putting the children first and refusing to battle on any terms with the ex.You have control over yourself. Stop demonizing the ex, and take a hard look at your own behavior.
Yes I was listening
Posted by: mrshdeux
Posted on: 2003-01-23 12:12:56

We do put the children first, always, we want to make sure they get into camp, school and extra activities. But please understand we cannot get through the simple things in our day to day life. The biomom cannot and will not make decisions in time for camp sign up, school registration, exta activities. If we go ahead and take action, in the childs best interest (or his request) and make the decision without her, by the deadline, she will make every effort to change our choice after the fact. Not to mention every holiday is a nightmare since she debates our court ordered share time and tries to deny us time stated in a court document. Special events that do not fall on our allotted time, forget about it, we simply cannot get an answer from her on a trade or extra time in time for the event itself. So tell me how this is "demonizing" the ex?