07/23 Money Matters
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Posted by: gen_nut
Posted on: 2003-04-23 08:23:14
I too am in a marriage that has this problem. My husband makes much more than I and in fact I had been out of work for 7 months. He keeps tabs on how much "I owe him". He came up with this plan that we should split everything down the middle 50/50 yrs ago when I bought my son a pair of tennis shoes that didn't come from Payless. He even made us have seperate checking accounts. Unfortunatly at the time I had a good paying job and said ok whatever...first mistake. Now I make much less and he doesn't want to keep track in the open. I am just to believe that I owe him ...this much. I said why can't we figure out how much you spend each month on bills and then I will know about how much to spend on food ect. If I go over then we will settle up and if I go under I will help pay another expense. He doesn't want to do this and each month he "adds" a little to cover extras he thinks he may have bought. Now that he is soon to be done with child support he mentioned that we would pool our money get a joint account etc. But can't because when my son was starting divorse proceedings I helped him out and so now the joint thing is out of the questions. How can I get him to be more of a partner instead of dictator. Oh and if I disagree with anything he threatens divorse. My reply to that now is "whatever"
Posted by: gen_nut
Posted on: 2003-04-23 08:23:14
I too am in a marriage that has this problem. My husband makes much more than I and in fact I had been out of work for 7 months. He keeps tabs on how much "I owe him". He came up with this plan that we should split everything down the middle 50/50 yrs ago when I bought my son a pair of tennis shoes that didn't come from Payless. He even made us have seperate checking accounts. Unfortunatly at the time I had a good paying job and said ok whatever...first mistake. Now I make much less and he doesn't want to keep track in the open. I am just to believe that I owe him ...this much. I said why can't we figure out how much you spend each month on bills and then I will know about how much to spend on food ect. If I go over then we will settle up and if I go under I will help pay another expense. He doesn't want to do this and each month he "adds" a little to cover extras he thinks he may have bought. Now that he is soon to be done with child support he mentioned that we would pool our money get a joint account etc. But can't because when my son was starting divorse proceedings I helped him out and so now the joint thing is out of the questions. How can I get him to be more of a partner instead of dictator. Oh and if I disagree with anything he threatens divorse. My reply to that now is "whatever"
who pays?
Posted by: mrna0400
Posted on: 2003-04-23 08:41:48
In my opinion, in a marriage there should not be any tracking of anything. Very first thing my husband and I agreed on when we discussed money matters before we got married was that it's not worth arguing. It comes and it goes. We are both mature and discuss any major purchases, but for the most part I handle our money, budget, bills and it's open for him to look at if he ever pleases. We have open communication about what is being spent. I have to admit I am the fruggle one in the family. I believe in a marriage your are united as one. Not 1/2 and 1/2. That's having a roommate not a life partner.
Posted by: mrna0400
Posted on: 2003-04-23 08:41:48
In my opinion, in a marriage there should not be any tracking of anything. Very first thing my husband and I agreed on when we discussed money matters before we got married was that it's not worth arguing. It comes and it goes. We are both mature and discuss any major purchases, but for the most part I handle our money, budget, bills and it's open for him to look at if he ever pleases. We have open communication about what is being spent. I have to admit I am the fruggle one in the family. I believe in a marriage your are united as one. Not 1/2 and 1/2. That's having a roommate not a life partner.
I agree
Posted by: gen_nut
Posted on: 2003-04-23 08:55:52
That's what I have told him...we are room mates not partners. He just gets this look of defiantcy on his face. He feels that he is the "man" of the house and I should do whatever he says. It has been a very sore sport for me. We have only been married 12 yrs this June and I just don't get it. I know his first wife hid all the bills and spent all the money. I have felt that I am getting left over frustration from that. I too am the frugal one but by his standards I am cheap and selfish. I keep thinking one day I will be ok and then he will want the change and I will say...kiss off!!
Posted by: gen_nut
Posted on: 2003-04-23 08:55:52
That's what I have told him...we are room mates not partners. He just gets this look of defiantcy on his face. He feels that he is the "man" of the house and I should do whatever he says. It has been a very sore sport for me. We have only been married 12 yrs this June and I just don't get it. I know his first wife hid all the bills and spent all the money. I have felt that I am getting left over frustration from that. I too am the frugal one but by his standards I am cheap and selfish. I keep thinking one day I will be ok and then he will want the change and I will say...kiss off!!
re:who pays
Posted by: momto3grls
Posted on: 2003-07-23 16:09:14
I totally agree (mrna0400). I am a full time mother to three beautiful and wonderful girls. My husband works extensive hours to provide well for us. He has no problem with the children and I taking off and spending money nor does he question why or what. I handle all of the bills, balancing checkbook, and monies. Neither of us have a problem with who spends what. We communicate well with each other on what we have and don't have. What we can spend and can't spend.
Posted by: momto3grls
Posted on: 2003-07-23 16:09:14
I totally agree (mrna0400). I am a full time mother to three beautiful and wonderful girls. My husband works extensive hours to provide well for us. He has no problem with the children and I taking off and spending money nor does he question why or what. I handle all of the bills, balancing checkbook, and monies. Neither of us have a problem with who spends what. We communicate well with each other on what we have and don't have. What we can spend and can't spend.
Make him pay for sex!!
Posted by: crowwoman
Posted on: 2003-04-23 11:38:42
Girls, your marriage is a sacred committement that you both make. You cannot 'wheel and deal' and expect to feel unconditionally loved. If the guy is insisting on turning the marriage into a business partnership - agree with it. Start making him pay for sex. That will get his attention!
Then make him go to counselling fast. That is a seriously dangerous symptom of a very insecure and emotionally stunted man.
Get help fast!
Posted by: crowwoman
Posted on: 2003-04-23 11:38:42
Girls, your marriage is a sacred committement that you both make. You cannot 'wheel and deal' and expect to feel unconditionally loved. If the guy is insisting on turning the marriage into a business partnership - agree with it. Start making him pay for sex. That will get his attention!
Then make him go to counselling fast. That is a seriously dangerous symptom of a very insecure and emotionally stunted man.
Get help fast!
What are you Thinking!?!
Posted by: bnvy52
Posted on: 2003-04-23 12:50:14
Make him pay for sex?? You can not solve one problem by creating another. Using sex as a manipulation tool can only lead to the road of disaster. I think some better advice would be to talk things out or seek some outside help.
Posted by: bnvy52
Posted on: 2003-04-23 12:50:14
Make him pay for sex?? You can not solve one problem by creating another. Using sex as a manipulation tool can only lead to the road of disaster. I think some better advice would be to talk things out or seek some outside help.
Crowwoman is right
Posted by: jostman
Posted on: 2003-04-23 15:30:32
Women often use sex as power and to control in relationships just like men do with money. Dr Phil is right that when a partner uses those type of tactics to control it will create resentment.
Posted by: jostman
Posted on: 2003-04-23 15:30:32
Women often use sex as power and to control in relationships just like men do with money. Dr Phil is right that when a partner uses those type of tactics to control it will create resentment.
Pay for Sex?
Posted by: mlqasas
Posted on: 2003-04-23 16:18:11
This is also called Prostition.
If she needs money and he refuses to pay for Sex, what is the woman to do then???
Selling Avon or something would be a better idea, don't you think.
Posted by: mlqasas
Posted on: 2003-04-23 16:18:11
This is also called Prostition.
If she needs money and he refuses to pay for Sex, what is the woman to do then???
Selling Avon or something would be a better idea, don't you think.
What?
Posted by: youngstill
Posted on: 2003-04-23 16:54:04
First of all makeing him pay for sex is not right. Hey in that cases why cant I charge a wife to live in MY house. Oooh, yeah I forgot that is ours. I do understand that a marriage is a bond, and money is only that money it will come and go. But in no means should you charge him for sex, by the way you guys do enough of that when we first meet you. j/k lol
Posted by: youngstill
Posted on: 2003-04-23 16:54:04
First of all makeing him pay for sex is not right. Hey in that cases why cant I charge a wife to live in MY house. Oooh, yeah I forgot that is ours. I do understand that a marriage is a bond, and money is only that money it will come and go. But in no means should you charge him for sex, by the way you guys do enough of that when we first meet you. j/k lol
Serious??
Posted by: mikeba
Posted on: 2003-04-23 16:58:14
How about YOU pay him for sex?
Do you really want to lower yourself to that of a whore?
Think before you end up on the street with nothing and he finds many women to pay for sex...
Posted by: mikeba
Posted on: 2003-04-23 16:58:14
How about YOU pay him for sex?
Do you really want to lower yourself to that of a whore?
Think before you end up on the street with nothing and he finds many women to pay for sex...
Sacred Whore?
Posted by: lillyflow
Posted on: 2003-04-23 17:14:56
Start selling yourself girls, then we can teach those guys........
That is a seriously dangerous symptom of a very insecure and emotionally stunted woman. Just put a bar code on yourself and see who checks you out.
Posted by: lillyflow
Posted on: 2003-04-23 17:14:56
Start selling yourself girls, then we can teach those guys........
That is a seriously dangerous symptom of a very insecure and emotionally stunted woman. Just put a bar code on yourself and see who checks you out.
Sacred Whore?
Posted by: lillyflow
Posted on: 2003-04-23 17:42:40
Yeah girls lets make those guys pay...
They'll learn their lesson that way.
That is a seriously dangerous symptom of a very insecure and emotionally stunted woman.
We should just put our bar codes on and see who will check us out.
Posted by: lillyflow
Posted on: 2003-04-23 17:42:40
Yeah girls lets make those guys pay...
They'll learn their lesson that way.
That is a seriously dangerous symptom of a very insecure and emotionally stunted woman.
We should just put our bar codes on and see who will check us out.
Money in marrage
Posted by: mare36
Posted on: 2003-07-23 10:33:33
I think when one gets married all money should be pooled together. I been with my husband for 10 years, 16 if you count the years we dated. He paid for everything and always treated me like a lady, I knew I was getting a great guy. One year when we were dating Larry went back to school, I was working at a good job and I paid for everything, he then knew that we could have a marrage that really worked. I am not saying that our money problems are perfect, but he never questions me about any purchase, and we make large perchase decisions together. When you both make money it should be pooled into one pot, bills should be paid together and any left over should be either divided up, or decided on how it should be spent. If this is a problem talk to somone so that it does not wreck your marrage.
Posted by: mare36
Posted on: 2003-07-23 10:33:33
I think when one gets married all money should be pooled together. I been with my husband for 10 years, 16 if you count the years we dated. He paid for everything and always treated me like a lady, I knew I was getting a great guy. One year when we were dating Larry went back to school, I was working at a good job and I paid for everything, he then knew that we could have a marrage that really worked. I am not saying that our money problems are perfect, but he never questions me about any purchase, and we make large perchase decisions together. When you both make money it should be pooled into one pot, bills should be paid together and any left over should be either divided up, or decided on how it should be spent. If this is a problem talk to somone so that it does not wreck your marrage.
That's nothing but glorified prostitution.
Posted by: ramair
Posted on: 2003-07-23 13:34:12
Crowwoman, you're talking out of both sides of your mouth. You say "marriage is a sacred commitment." You say "you cannot 'wheel and deal' and expect to feel unconditionally loved." THEN, you say "start making him pay for sex." That's nothing but glorified prostitution.
Posted by: ramair
Posted on: 2003-07-23 13:34:12
Crowwoman, you're talking out of both sides of your mouth. You say "marriage is a sacred commitment." You say "you cannot 'wheel and deal' and expect to feel unconditionally loved." THEN, you say "start making him pay for sex." That's nothing but glorified prostitution.
Sounds Good to Me!
Posted by: kate72160
Posted on: 2003-04-23 12:40:29
Genbug, I like Crowwoman's idea -- this guy wants everything to come down to money, then charge him for sex, for housework, etc. Better still, provide him with a price list! He'll lose that idea PDQ. It's obvious that this guy is hung up on what his ex did, and wants total control over you, or he would be up front with you about the expenditures. This man is obviously very insecure, and you are paying the price.
Posted by: kate72160
Posted on: 2003-04-23 12:40:29
Genbug, I like Crowwoman's idea -- this guy wants everything to come down to money, then charge him for sex, for housework, etc. Better still, provide him with a price list! He'll lose that idea PDQ. It's obvious that this guy is hung up on what his ex did, and wants total control over you, or he would be up front with you about the expenditures. This man is obviously very insecure, and you are paying the price.
re:sounds good
Posted by: gen_nut
Posted on: 2003-04-24 08:50:27
Believe me I have mentioned the charging for housework etc. His comment is that it is my obigation anyway!! He doesn't believe that because I get up before him, let the dogs out, pack his lunch, make the coffee and then wake him (even on MY days off..lol) then go to work, come home fix dinner, do the dishes...blah blah blah, that I WORK as hard as him. He leaves at 7am gets home at 8pm +/- and sits at the computer for 3 hrs...and he works harder than I. And as we all know I do all the rest of the wifely things on my days off or weekends. I don't mind that stuff...but please don't tell me I am not pulling my weight!!
Posted by: gen_nut
Posted on: 2003-04-24 08:50:27
Believe me I have mentioned the charging for housework etc. His comment is that it is my obigation anyway!! He doesn't believe that because I get up before him, let the dogs out, pack his lunch, make the coffee and then wake him (even on MY days off..lol) then go to work, come home fix dinner, do the dishes...blah blah blah, that I WORK as hard as him. He leaves at 7am gets home at 8pm +/- and sits at the computer for 3 hrs...and he works harder than I. And as we all know I do all the rest of the wifely things on my days off or weekends. I don't mind that stuff...but please don't tell me I am not pulling my weight!!
Get him on the Dr. Phil show
Posted by: mare36
Posted on: 2003-07-23 10:37:37
Gen: get him on Dr. Phil. It would be very interesting to see what he would have to say about all of this. It may even solve some of your problems.
Posted by: mare36
Posted on: 2003-07-23 10:37:37
Gen: get him on Dr. Phil. It would be very interesting to see what he would have to say about all of this. It may even solve some of your problems.
Who Pays???
Posted by: jannaeliz
Posted on: 2003-04-23 16:07:59
Twenty two long years ago I was working in a high paying career and dating the "equal partner" At that time paying for my part seemed the right thing to do, I didn't see it as the selfish controlling act it later proved to be. We married and shortly after that I became disabled. I should have left that day. Any man who can't see past the control of a dollar has little potential of ever being a mate. Three children, twenty two years and a lot of soul searching later I am able to redirect my career to fit within my disability and counting the days until my last son graduates from highschool. That is the day I will leave and give mr. equal shares his final farewell.
Posted by: jannaeliz
Posted on: 2003-04-23 16:07:59
Twenty two long years ago I was working in a high paying career and dating the "equal partner" At that time paying for my part seemed the right thing to do, I didn't see it as the selfish controlling act it later proved to be. We married and shortly after that I became disabled. I should have left that day. Any man who can't see past the control of a dollar has little potential of ever being a mate. Three children, twenty two years and a lot of soul searching later I am able to redirect my career to fit within my disability and counting the days until my last son graduates from highschool. That is the day I will leave and give mr. equal shares his final farewell.
pathetic
Posted by: cat444
Posted on: 2003-04-23 18:24:55
That is so pathetic that he has to keep tabs. Just because you agreed to something many years ago doesn’t mean that you cannot change your mind. In a relationship everything balances out and money isn’t the only thing that matters. Maybe he might pay for an extra item or two but you might do something extra like make your bed, do laundry, bake him something or one of the other thousands of things we all do for each other when we are in a relationship. Maybe what you do is just being there for him when he needs you to be there. It appears to me that he is petty and puts too much weight on money. Besides, when two people are together it doesn’t really matter who pays because in one way or another both pay all the time anyhow.
Posted by: cat444
Posted on: 2003-04-23 18:24:55
That is so pathetic that he has to keep tabs. Just because you agreed to something many years ago doesn’t mean that you cannot change your mind. In a relationship everything balances out and money isn’t the only thing that matters. Maybe he might pay for an extra item or two but you might do something extra like make your bed, do laundry, bake him something or one of the other thousands of things we all do for each other when we are in a relationship. Maybe what you do is just being there for him when he needs you to be there. It appears to me that he is petty and puts too much weight on money. Besides, when two people are together it doesn’t really matter who pays because in one way or another both pay all the time anyhow.
tabs
Posted by: gen_nut
Posted on: 2003-04-24 09:28:03
Pathetic!! you got it right there. He says he pays for EVERYTHING!! I buy all the food and pay the satelite bill(53.00). Now we all know the cost of food. All our other monthly bills put together do not amount to what I spend every month. Because he pays for all the other stuff and I pay for all the food, then he feels he has more say on what happens to our "future". So I told him...ok..buy your own food..lol. This just doesn't seem to be fair to him. And because he makes much more than I he has money to buy toys(he is a ebay addict) and I have nothing left to buy anything. When ever I mention about sitting down and figuring out a budget to see how much we each spend on things he feels that I will "lie" about that. I have saved ALL the grocery receipts for him to see, but he won't look at them and yet he will give me no "proof" of what he has spent.
Posted by: gen_nut
Posted on: 2003-04-24 09:28:03
Pathetic!! you got it right there. He says he pays for EVERYTHING!! I buy all the food and pay the satelite bill(53.00). Now we all know the cost of food. All our other monthly bills put together do not amount to what I spend every month. Because he pays for all the other stuff and I pay for all the food, then he feels he has more say on what happens to our "future". So I told him...ok..buy your own food..lol. This just doesn't seem to be fair to him. And because he makes much more than I he has money to buy toys(he is a ebay addict) and I have nothing left to buy anything. When ever I mention about sitting down and figuring out a budget to see how much we each spend on things he feels that I will "lie" about that. I have saved ALL the grocery receipts for him to see, but he won't look at them and yet he will give me no "proof" of what he has spent.
