05/26 What Dr. Phil Knows About Men - Part 2

Heather
Posted by: kateysaid
Posted on: 2003-05-26 09:20:23

Dr. Phil handled Heather so well. I kind of got the feeling that maybe Heather should be on another show by herself. God no wonder that guy doesn't want to be home!!
Heather,Come on
Posted by: carrie333
Posted on: 2003-05-26 14:30:20

I am sorry,,,but I think John and Heather are on opposite sides. Something held them together for three years of dating though. Wonder what it was. What do they have in common? Was any of that even mentioned? What "can" they do together. If this is so much a part of his life..Did she complain before? Heather, your mistake was in thinking that "things would be different once you were married" ( I have been there) John is John...he loves to camp and he is independent. You seem to need him too much. GO find something to do! I think he'd like that ! But I think seriously, you two should get counseling. Being on the show isn't going to change your relationship. If I were his wife..I'd go camping with him, and believe me, I am feminine and wear make-up and style my hair, BUT you can look cute without the haitstyle for the week-end, and he'll love having you there. John...what were you thinking?
Good Luck...Dont have kids until you work this out. I have a feeling you two should find someone else more compatible. She needs a Man to need her !

Posted by: blueonblue
Posted on: 2003-05-26 15:34:56

John & Heather could have been my husband and me 21 years ago. We still have very little in common, but have a very good marriage. Through hard work and lots of compromise, we've managed to make a good life together. I won't say there haven't been some really troubling times because there have, but I think that if two people really love each other, give and take is the answer. One person shouldn't be doing all the compromising however.
to Heather from Reformed Priss
Posted by: karen457
Posted on: 2003-05-26 16:16:53

Heather, John would love you more "without makeup" but "camping with him". I was like you twenty years ago and missed out on lots of fun. Get over the makeup and blow dryer...pack up yourself and the puppy and go camping with John! It will diffuse much of your anger!
Heather
Posted by: mindyleigh
Posted on: 2003-05-26 16:19:21

I agree w/kateysaid 100%..so what if you don't have electricity for a weekend..she is too stuck on herself, im sure her husband wouldnt mind if she didnt wear makeup for the weekend or didnt fix her hair...my philosophy is that if guys dont like the way you look w/or w/out your makeup or fixing your hair, then they arent worth it..cuz god know i dont wear makeup all that much anymore, i just wear blush and every once in a blue moon i might put lipstick on..so my advice to Heather is GET A GRIP and take the damn puppy w/you.
to Heather from Reformed Priss
Posted by: karen457
Posted on: 2003-05-26 16:31:41

Heather, John would love you more "without makeup" but "camping with him". I was like you twenty years ago and missed out on lots of fun. Get over the makeup and blow dryer...pack up yourself and the puppy and go camping with John! It will diffuse much of your anger!

Posted by: anjelica40
Posted on: 2003-05-28 17:02:43

I agree with Karen457, Heather does need to drop the makeup and blow dryer for the weekend and have a little fun for once. I learned a long time ago, that life is too short and you have to live life to the fullest to enjoy any of life. Who cares what you look like without makeup or hairsytled, IF that is what bothers you, heather, then you should maybe take another look at yourself and your self worth (as Dr. PHil says) and not worry about what someone else might think or say. Let me tell you from experience, it doesn't matter what other people think or say it is how you preceive what they say or think. I am a makeup and hairsyle girl on the weekdays, but come weekends, I don't care, and I don't stay home becuase I don't wear makeup or hairstyle. Heather, just words of advice, Let your self worth go for one weekend and enjoy your time with your husband (all natural).
katysaid
Posted by: scsweetie
Posted on: 2003-05-26 19:36:02

Heather is NOT the only one to blame for the marital discord; didn't you hear the part where John will take week-ends off from work to go camping with his buddies, but WON'T to have a week-end with his wife? I ABSOLUTELY agree that Heather should walk away from her mirror once in awhile to go camping with her husband, and do it with an open mind. She also might make some really dear friends if she got the stick out of her posterior and made an honest effort to get to know the other women who accompany their husbands. That being said it's now JOHN'S turn: He needs to give up 3-4 of those camping week-ends (until if and when Heather comes to enjoy them); after all he did make a vow to love, honor and cherish and to cleave only unto her (in other words the only one who comes ahead of Heather is God). If Heather saw that John was willing to take time off "For Her" then maybe she wouldn't be so needy and insecure, and demanding so much of his time. Give Heather a break and remember that it takes 2 to make or break a relationship.
Katysaid
Posted by: 57compton
Posted on: 2003-05-27 19:15:17

Thank you--I agree whole heartedly with your comment. My husband also loves to camp, only we have to fly or hike in! Honestly, not my favorite thing to do, but I can certainly try to do this with him because I love my husband. On the other hand, he also takes me out for Sunday breakfast to 'pamper' me! Compromise!! It really works.
Family Time- vs- A Night With The Guys
Posted by: smwereinoh
Posted on: 2003-05-26 09:53:56

My boyfriend and I have lived together for 2 1/2 years and dated for 4. I have two children from a previous marriage that he considers to be his own. We have a few married friends with kids, however very rarely socialize with them. We seem to stay around the house and do the same routine things most of the time. I try to encourage or suggest more "family activities", and though we agree to do more, it just never seems we find the time to make it happen. On the other hand, there always seems to be time for my boyfriend to spend time with his single friends. When these guys go out, it's not to play golf, go camping, etc., it's to go out to bars. I don't believe he is doing anything wrong (he doesn't drink and is home at a reasonable hour every time),however, it does bother me that he puts himself in situations that could get him into trouble. Not to mention, I don't believe committed men should be hanging out with single guys that are out looking for "fun". Any time I try to express my feelings about this to him, he feels as if I don't trust him, or that I am trying to be controlling. Is it my approach? Is there a better way I can express my feelings? How can I let him know I just wish he would put as much energy into "family time" as he does for a "night with the guys"?
you are lucky
Posted by: kunicorn
Posted on: 2003-05-26 10:44:35

I have the same issues except that my husband goes out until all hours of the morning and comes home drunk as all can be. I know that you don't see it as good, but I can see the good in what you have. Your husband doesn't go out until all hours, and he can't help that his friends are single.
I wish I could help, but I can't help my own failing marriage, so I am sorry and I wish you all the luck in the world!!!
kunicorn....There's Really No Mystery...
Posted by: donnybaby
Posted on: 2003-05-26 14:33:35

For the most part, IMO what happened on the show and to you, is because of the absence of clear commitments to each other from the get go. And, make no mistake, without clear and agreed upon commitments, you will not have each others permission to communicate openly and honestly with each other. That's why feelings are withheld. IMO, they are the main reasons (the root) for most breakups...no commitments means no communication. Which means start packing your bags kiddo.

But it's neither party's fault because in the beginning of most relationships many people are blinded by "love" and sex. Consequently many couples haven't a clue that it takes clear and spoken commitments on which to build a nurturing and loving long term relationship. "Love" and sex just doesn't cut it. Lack of specific commitments is a wake up call to troubled marriages.

However, the good news is, commitments can always be put in as long as both want to stay in the relationship. Many times it's advisable to get some counseling. Love & peace, Donny
donnybaby
Posted by: kunicorn
Posted on: 2003-05-28 12:54:42

Perhaps no mystery is absolutely right. I have been hoping beyond hope that things will turn out okay and that all of a sudden things will turn around. What a fool I am. How can it turn around when there is no one to start it?
Now I just have to figure out how to start it..at least to find out if he wants things to turn around too.

Thanks for your reply!!!
single, independent, but yet dependent
Posted by: terryast50
Posted on: 2003-05-26 10:07:15

I'm on the other side of the spectrum. I have a "job" and am a single parent. I've been "alone" for 20 years....my son will soon be 18...and I DO need someone in my life. I'm not making an abundance of money, I have to stretch every dollar that gets in my hands, but on the same token I am very independent because I've always had to do this alone! I've had dead-end relationships with married men because I'm all they needed, I could take care of myself when they weren't available. some of my friends say I'm too defensive, but I've always had to be because I was the only one to take care of my son and myself! Single men have also told me that they are intimdated by my independence. I don't try to make them feel that way, it just happens.....

Your show today motivated me to send this message...I'm not a "beautiful, career minded woman"..just an ordinary, American woman who's had to take care of herself and her child.

Thanks!
Please see my message, 14
Posted by: pirate21
Posted on: 2003-05-26 18:23:41


re: terryast50
Posted by: sharonab
Posted on: 2003-05-27 14:31:50

I too am in your situation, but a little differently. I'm 56 and both my children are grown and gone. I very much would like to have a daily partner. What I have is a 1-2 times a week intimate partner and it has been this way for 9 years. I met him at work and he was single, but he has no desire to expand on our situation -- he denies it, but nothing ever changes. I could end it, but I can't because I truly love him and we are very compatible. He is totally accepting of me, is easy going and never criticizes. He just sees me as someone who has always been totally independent and that is fine with him. It is a Catch-22 situation.
Miss Independence - leave some of that outside?
Posted by: blueh2os
Posted on: 2003-05-26 11:15:04

Are there any singles out there that can elaborate on exactly what Michael meant by "leave some of it outside?" I didn't take it that he meant to come home & be an air-head or damsel in distress, but then what does that leave? Any advice on how to turn off the aggressiveness for a single mom who has to keep up with it all (work, home, child)& would like a date to lead to possible marriage?
Time to Think Outside the Box:
Posted by: sandiem
Posted on: 2003-05-26 16:39:11

I'm a woman, not a man, but maybe this might help: Just remember that the men you're meeting are people just like you are. Like you, they want to be admired and loved, and like you, they want to be understood at a basic level. Try picking men who are skilled in something you think is really interesting but find very challenging -- and then just treat them the way you'd like to be treated about your own accomplishments! It worked for me, despite having a Dr. in front of my name, an aggressive personality, and all the trappings of success. I admire engineers -- especially software engineers -- because they have accomplished something I have to work very hard to understand at a very basic level. They reciprocated my interest so thoroughly that my 16 year daughter (a beauty queen) once complained that I had more "boyfriends" than she did. The secret is in thinking of men the same way you think about yourself, and giving them the same affection you accord yourself!!!!!!!!
Single Mother
Posted by: single_jen
Posted on: 2003-05-26 17:39:40

I am a single mother of a six year old daughter. I have a good job, own a home, drive a new nice car and am not to bad to look at. I watched the show today and was so happy to see that there are other woman who have the same problem as I do. My problem is that I can not ever get a man to stick around long enough to even get a first date. I am a very upfront and to the point person. I have been told that men are scared of me and that I am unaproachable. If a man would only stick around long enough to find out that I would love to have someone around and that I do need help.. They just need to remember that sometimes we are so independent that it is hard to admit that we might need a little bit of help. Any suggestions? I would love for my daughter to have a father. I am 32 and do not want her to grow up thinking that all men do not stick around. Not that there are a lot of men in and out of her life. I have only dated one man in the last six years.
Re: Single Mother
Posted by: martlesham
Posted on: 2003-05-26 19:03:08

Hang in there, girlfriend. I know what you mean. Read my message, number 33.