04/02 The Reality of Reunions
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Posted by: stevedawn
Posted on: 2004-04-02 10:10:38
About 6 months ago my adopted daughter (who I had raised since she was 5 weeks old) met her biological siblings and talked to her birth mother for the first time after 38 years. She became interested in locating them about 10 years ago. Although it was sometimes really hard for me I did everything I could do to try to help her locate them. I think that strengthened our relationship. I still feel really strange when I read something written by the other mother talking about her daughter, but I know she is still really "my" daughter.
Posted by: stevedawn
Posted on: 2004-04-02 10:10:38
About 6 months ago my adopted daughter (who I had raised since she was 5 weeks old) met her biological siblings and talked to her birth mother for the first time after 38 years. She became interested in locating them about 10 years ago. Although it was sometimes really hard for me I did everything I could do to try to help her locate them. I think that strengthened our relationship. I still feel really strange when I read something written by the other mother talking about her daughter, but I know she is still really "my" daughter.
Posted by: stacey5675
Posted on: 2004-04-02 14:53:46
Speaking as an adoptive daughter myself, I think it is wonderful that you support and help your daughter locate her biological mother. I am sure it is uncomfortable for you sometimes, and that is completly understandable. I also know from my experience, that it was helpful for me to communicate and see my biological family. Adoption is a wonderful gift, and I wouldn't change being adopted for anything, however adopted children don't really have a choice whether or not they are adopted, so it is important when given a chance to see where they came from that they do meet their biological family. (Of course only if that is their wish)
Your daughter will always know she is your daughter, and she will be grateful for your love and support in this search.
04/02 The reality of Reunions
Posted by: costumer47
Posted on: 2004-04-02 18:09:46
I'm an adopted daughter also, and wouldn't change that for anything in the world. I did find my birth mother, who rejected me again. I have 1/2 siblings that she won't tell about me. We are all in our 50's and I found her 6 years ago, and have been debating for the last 6 years, should I contact them myself. I applaud you for being supportive to your daughter finding her siblings, and Stacey5675 is right, noone will ever replace their REAL mother - YOU. I know that even if my BM had accepted me, it wouldn't have made one iota of difference as to how I felt about my parents who raised me-they were the absolute best and I miss them every single day since they passed away.
Posted by: costumer47
Posted on: 2004-04-02 18:09:46
I'm an adopted daughter also, and wouldn't change that for anything in the world. I did find my birth mother, who rejected me again. I have 1/2 siblings that she won't tell about me. We are all in our 50's and I found her 6 years ago, and have been debating for the last 6 years, should I contact them myself. I applaud you for being supportive to your daughter finding her siblings, and Stacey5675 is right, noone will ever replace their REAL mother - YOU. I know that even if my BM had accepted me, it wouldn't have made one iota of difference as to how I felt about my parents who raised me-they were the absolute best and I miss them every single day since they passed away.
I was also rejected twice
Posted by: connies022
Posted on: 2004-04-02 19:48:29
I, too, found my birth mother two years ago. She never told her husband or children about me and does not intend to. The pain and emotions that go along with this "second rejection" are almost unbearable. I have recently written her a letter telling her that I intend to contact my 1/2 siblings someday. Just because she rejects me doesn't mean they will too. This is also an emotional roller coaster. On one hand, it's my right to know my biological relatives. On the other hand, I don't want to do anything to hurt my B-Mother or her relationships. I asked her to meet me for one hour so I can look at her and see the woman who gave birth to me and ask her some questions so that I might get some closure. She said she would call me when she gets up the courage. It's been over a month now and still no phone call. I'm trying to be patient. I am sympathetic to the fact that it is difficult for her to face feelings and emotions she has buried away for 42 years. Patience is very difficult when you are so emotionally invested in this process. It seems that the majority of people have happy reunions. I totally understand your feelings and am so glad that you wrote. I truly felt like the only person to have experienced this situation.
Posted by: connies022
Posted on: 2004-04-02 19:48:29
I, too, found my birth mother two years ago. She never told her husband or children about me and does not intend to. The pain and emotions that go along with this "second rejection" are almost unbearable. I have recently written her a letter telling her that I intend to contact my 1/2 siblings someday. Just because she rejects me doesn't mean they will too. This is also an emotional roller coaster. On one hand, it's my right to know my biological relatives. On the other hand, I don't want to do anything to hurt my B-Mother or her relationships. I asked her to meet me for one hour so I can look at her and see the woman who gave birth to me and ask her some questions so that I might get some closure. She said she would call me when she gets up the courage. It's been over a month now and still no phone call. I'm trying to be patient. I am sympathetic to the fact that it is difficult for her to face feelings and emotions she has buried away for 42 years. Patience is very difficult when you are so emotionally invested in this process. It seems that the majority of people have happy reunions. I totally understand your feelings and am so glad that you wrote. I truly felt like the only person to have experienced this situation.
To Connies022...Put Yourself in Her Place
Posted by: donnybaby
Posted on: 2004-04-02 22:49:10
Not to excuse your mom (of course I don't know her) but you can bet everything you own that she feels a mountain of unforgiven guilt and fear. Even though it appears she's rejecting you, try understanding that she's rejecting herself. I promise you that's what you're dealing with.
How do you deal with that? Learn to not take her feelings personally...BECAUSE IT ISN'T ABOUT YOU! Now that you know that, you have a choice. Blame her or forgive her? Understand something...FORGIVENESS IS ALWAYS FOR THE ONE WHO FORGIVES...ALWAYS! So what's your choice?
Lastly, your mom absolutely loves you. My bet is, she doesn't love herself. But you think she doesn't love you! Want a miracle? Learn to love and forgive her. You can make a huge difference in her life. IMO, she needs the love you can give her. Think of it! It's an opportunity of a lifetime!
Peace and love, Donny
Posted by: donnybaby
Posted on: 2004-04-02 22:49:10
Not to excuse your mom (of course I don't know her) but you can bet everything you own that she feels a mountain of unforgiven guilt and fear. Even though it appears she's rejecting you, try understanding that she's rejecting herself. I promise you that's what you're dealing with.
How do you deal with that? Learn to not take her feelings personally...BECAUSE IT ISN'T ABOUT YOU! Now that you know that, you have a choice. Blame her or forgive her? Understand something...FORGIVENESS IS ALWAYS FOR THE ONE WHO FORGIVES...ALWAYS! So what's your choice?
Lastly, your mom absolutely loves you. My bet is, she doesn't love herself. But you think she doesn't love you! Want a miracle? Learn to love and forgive her. You can make a huge difference in her life. IMO, she needs the love you can give her. Think of it! It's an opportunity of a lifetime!
Peace and love, Donny
Reply to Donny
Posted by: connies022
Posted on: 2004-04-03 10:17:20
I do agree with what you say. In my head I know that she can't hate me - I couldn't have done anything as an infant that was bad, however, that is not what I feel deep down inside. As we all know, what we know to be true and what we feel are two different things. If I forgive her, does that mean I never get to meet her? I just let her go on pretending I don't exist? Do I never get to meet siblings that I could potentially have a relationship with - just because of her inability to deal with the situation on an adult level? I don't want to miss out on something that could mean so much. I would rather meet them and face possible rejection then deal with it than to wonder all my life what could have been... I do love her. I love her for choosing to give me life and for the wonderful childhood I've had. By putting myself in her place I've been able to wait over two years, but it's still not easy. I think that both of us need healing. I'm ready to face this and start the process. In fact, I need to do this at this point.
Posted by: connies022
Posted on: 2004-04-03 10:17:20
I do agree with what you say. In my head I know that she can't hate me - I couldn't have done anything as an infant that was bad, however, that is not what I feel deep down inside. As we all know, what we know to be true and what we feel are two different things. If I forgive her, does that mean I never get to meet her? I just let her go on pretending I don't exist? Do I never get to meet siblings that I could potentially have a relationship with - just because of her inability to deal with the situation on an adult level? I don't want to miss out on something that could mean so much. I would rather meet them and face possible rejection then deal with it than to wonder all my life what could have been... I do love her. I love her for choosing to give me life and for the wonderful childhood I've had. By putting myself in her place I've been able to wait over two years, but it's still not easy. I think that both of us need healing. I'm ready to face this and start the process. In fact, I need to do this at this point.
Connies022...Healing Is Forgiving
Posted by: donnybaby
Posted on: 2004-04-03 18:12:09
If I've said something to help you, it's my pleasure. As far as healing's concerned try this out:
1. It's not what you FEEL (your words) that works against you, but what negative THOUGHTS you allow in. "Feelings" are not the same as "thoughts." It's crucial that you understand the difference.
2. It's not what happened to us that creates problems. It's what WE'VE MADE IT MEAN! Think about it!
3. The real key to healing is not just forgiving your mom, it's forgiving yourself for years of negative thoughts you've had AND ARE HAVING regarding you and her. You can alter your thinking anytime you say. Don't let anyone tell you differently!
I hope all this makes some sense to you because you have the power to create a love where there seemed to be none. Peace & love, Donny
Posted by: donnybaby
Posted on: 2004-04-03 18:12:09
If I've said something to help you, it's my pleasure. As far as healing's concerned try this out:
1. It's not what you FEEL (your words) that works against you, but what negative THOUGHTS you allow in. "Feelings" are not the same as "thoughts." It's crucial that you understand the difference.
2. It's not what happened to us that creates problems. It's what WE'VE MADE IT MEAN! Think about it!
3. The real key to healing is not just forgiving your mom, it's forgiving yourself for years of negative thoughts you've had AND ARE HAVING regarding you and her. You can alter your thinking anytime you say. Don't let anyone tell you differently!
I hope all this makes some sense to you because you have the power to create a love where there seemed to be none. Peace & love, Donny
Forgiving
Posted by: costumer47
Posted on: 2004-04-05 12:41:15
Donnybaby,
I understand what you're saying, really I do. Although your message was for Connie022, I felt that it was for me also, and I never have blamed my BM for giving me up for adoption, I've never felt I needed to forgive her for anything- if anything, I thank her (and did so in my first and many other contacts with her) for having the courage to think more of me than of herself. I don't feel that I need to forgive her because she hasn't done anything to forgive her for - except perhaps to keep me from my siblings. Even though I explained to her many times that I didn't WANT anything from her, except to know more about myself and mainly for HER grandchildren that she doesn't want to know about either. I'd always wanted siblings as I was an only child. Actually because of that, I'd planned to have 10 kids of my own, but God's plan was for me to have 2 beautiful ones, that are my life and have grown up to be beautiful, successful, wonderful adults, and 4 miscarriges and that's just how it is. But when I found out that I really DO have siblings out there who don't even know I exist, and aren't children anymore, I really feel that despite what my BM feels, I think that these adults should decide on their own if they want to know me or not. What I guess I do resent my BM for is that she's much more worried about what her adult kid's inlaws will think about what she did 57 years ago (yes she said this to me), than thinking about what her own kids might think knowing they have another sister out there somewhere. I do love her in the respect that 57 years ago, she did put me first, in that she knew at age 19 she couldn't care for me, so she gave me to wonderful parents who could. But can I love her as part of my family? Now that's much harder since she wants no part of me. I've written other info in my message to Connies022.
Posted by: costumer47
Posted on: 2004-04-05 12:41:15
Donnybaby,
I understand what you're saying, really I do. Although your message was for Connie022, I felt that it was for me also, and I never have blamed my BM for giving me up for adoption, I've never felt I needed to forgive her for anything- if anything, I thank her (and did so in my first and many other contacts with her) for having the courage to think more of me than of herself. I don't feel that I need to forgive her because she hasn't done anything to forgive her for - except perhaps to keep me from my siblings. Even though I explained to her many times that I didn't WANT anything from her, except to know more about myself and mainly for HER grandchildren that she doesn't want to know about either. I'd always wanted siblings as I was an only child. Actually because of that, I'd planned to have 10 kids of my own, but God's plan was for me to have 2 beautiful ones, that are my life and have grown up to be beautiful, successful, wonderful adults, and 4 miscarriges and that's just how it is. But when I found out that I really DO have siblings out there who don't even know I exist, and aren't children anymore, I really feel that despite what my BM feels, I think that these adults should decide on their own if they want to know me or not. What I guess I do resent my BM for is that she's much more worried about what her adult kid's inlaws will think about what she did 57 years ago (yes she said this to me), than thinking about what her own kids might think knowing they have another sister out there somewhere. I do love her in the respect that 57 years ago, she did put me first, in that she knew at age 19 she couldn't care for me, so she gave me to wonderful parents who could. But can I love her as part of my family? Now that's much harder since she wants no part of me. I've written other info in my message to Connies022.
To:Costumer47
Posted by: lkatzfey
Posted on: 2004-04-13 12:53:04
I'm a reunited birthmother, age 58. When my daughter found me, my son that I raised had known nothing about her for the 29 years since I'd had to give her up in 1965. However, as soon as I realized that she actually did think about me and want me in her life, I told my son and they met several days after she and I met as adults. I'd never told my son because I thought she was lost to me forever - that's what the adoption agency said to me. Once she contacted me, then I could tell the rest of the world about her. I was anxious about telling my in-laws, but everyone loves me and was just so sorry for the pain I'd endured in having to relinquish my baby. My daughter was accepted and loved by everyone and has found her own place in her family of birth. You have a right to know your siblings and they to know you. I think her fears are misplaced and she could feel real anger from her other children from withholding information about you. Everyone is an adult and has the right to make their own decisions. If she won't tell your half siblings about you, you probably need to take the initiative and do it yourself. If your birthmother gets mad, so be it. That will be her own "stuff" to deal with. It's no wonder you cannot feel a true part of her life if she maintains you as a secret. The time for that is long past. Secrets and lies are toxic and need to be banished. Anyway, I just wanted you to know how one birthmother feels about openness and family knowledge of all members. I enjoy a beautiful relationship with my daughter and now granddaughter as well. My granddaughter and the grandsons from my son are cousins and enjoy one another in an open and honest way. They know nothing else but the completeness of our family. Your birthmother dishonors you and herself by keeping you from your siblings. Hang in there and good luck!
Posted by: lkatzfey
Posted on: 2004-04-13 12:53:04
I'm a reunited birthmother, age 58. When my daughter found me, my son that I raised had known nothing about her for the 29 years since I'd had to give her up in 1965. However, as soon as I realized that she actually did think about me and want me in her life, I told my son and they met several days after she and I met as adults. I'd never told my son because I thought she was lost to me forever - that's what the adoption agency said to me. Once she contacted me, then I could tell the rest of the world about her. I was anxious about telling my in-laws, but everyone loves me and was just so sorry for the pain I'd endured in having to relinquish my baby. My daughter was accepted and loved by everyone and has found her own place in her family of birth. You have a right to know your siblings and they to know you. I think her fears are misplaced and she could feel real anger from her other children from withholding information about you. Everyone is an adult and has the right to make their own decisions. If she won't tell your half siblings about you, you probably need to take the initiative and do it yourself. If your birthmother gets mad, so be it. That will be her own "stuff" to deal with. It's no wonder you cannot feel a true part of her life if she maintains you as a secret. The time for that is long past. Secrets and lies are toxic and need to be banished. Anyway, I just wanted you to know how one birthmother feels about openness and family knowledge of all members. I enjoy a beautiful relationship with my daughter and now granddaughter as well. My granddaughter and the grandsons from my son are cousins and enjoy one another in an open and honest way. They know nothing else but the completeness of our family. Your birthmother dishonors you and herself by keeping you from your siblings. Hang in there and good luck!
biological nightmere
Posted by: pixiepog
Posted on: 2004-04-03 18:13:08
sorry for the poor english, im used to speaking gaelige, i came here to usa to meat my biological father, my step father was angery, my mom troubled she kept to her self the negative things he had done, i wish she would have sat down with me when i asked all those years many times, well all i have to say is becarefull in what you wish , i found me da, he was a drug addict, alcoholic ,and in prison in the USA and because i was stubborn in meeting him, my stepfather was sso hurt, i wonder if we will ever be relaxed in the same room again, nothing but fights with us now. sometimes i wish he had stayed in Ireland with hte rest of us, now i IRISH American, and no longer the 18 year old with me blinders on, and i am 30 And wonder every day when my heart will heal from unrealistic expectations.
Posted by: pixiepog
Posted on: 2004-04-03 18:13:08
sorry for the poor english, im used to speaking gaelige, i came here to usa to meat my biological father, my step father was angery, my mom troubled she kept to her self the negative things he had done, i wish she would have sat down with me when i asked all those years many times, well all i have to say is becarefull in what you wish , i found me da, he was a drug addict, alcoholic ,and in prison in the USA and because i was stubborn in meeting him, my stepfather was sso hurt, i wonder if we will ever be relaxed in the same room again, nothing but fights with us now. sometimes i wish he had stayed in Ireland with hte rest of us, now i IRISH American, and no longer the 18 year old with me blinders on, and i am 30 And wonder every day when my heart will heal from unrealistic expectations.
I met my birthmother and also was rejected
Posted by: msnutt37
Posted on: 2004-04-04 10:08:32
I was glad to see these replies to the rejected child. I located and met my birthmother about 9 years ago. She did not want anything to do with me and still doesn't. I have 3 half sisters from her first marriage. I did meet and have a relationship with my birthfather and 2 of my three half siblings from his firt marriage. It was very devestating to be rejected as an adult. I thought I had prepared myself for that, but apparently I did not. She thought I wanted something other than just to know who she is and what she is like. She was not and is not willing to let me into her life. SHe will not tell her adult daughters about me either. They are all in their 40's and I have not as of yet contacted them. I found out on Friday that my BM is ill with emphysema and is on oxygen. My husband called to talk with her husband (who thinks my sisters should know) and got her instead. He explained that I just wanted to see if she is okay. She was very short and to the point. Why did I care? My husband said that I just cared about how she was (whether she can understand or not). This is very difficult and I too consider contacting my sisters myself. I will do that when she dies but I hate to wait for that to happen. I just don't understand her feelings at all.
Posted by: msnutt37
Posted on: 2004-04-04 10:08:32
I was glad to see these replies to the rejected child. I located and met my birthmother about 9 years ago. She did not want anything to do with me and still doesn't. I have 3 half sisters from her first marriage. I did meet and have a relationship with my birthfather and 2 of my three half siblings from his firt marriage. It was very devestating to be rejected as an adult. I thought I had prepared myself for that, but apparently I did not. She thought I wanted something other than just to know who she is and what she is like. She was not and is not willing to let me into her life. SHe will not tell her adult daughters about me either. They are all in their 40's and I have not as of yet contacted them. I found out on Friday that my BM is ill with emphysema and is on oxygen. My husband called to talk with her husband (who thinks my sisters should know) and got her instead. He explained that I just wanted to see if she is okay. She was very short and to the point. Why did I care? My husband said that I just cared about how she was (whether she can understand or not). This is very difficult and I too consider contacting my sisters myself. I will do that when she dies but I hate to wait for that to happen. I just don't understand her feelings at all.
I was also rejected twice
Posted by: costumer47
Posted on: 2004-04-05 12:27:48
Connies022,
I do totally understand where you are coming from and give you some MAJOR kudos of having the nerve to tell your BM that someday you'd contact your 1/2 siblings. I didn't have the nerve to do that and still don't. I did keep in contact with my BM for a couple of years, but in every letter she sent me, she told me how I was complicating her life, how she had her life under exactly where she wanted it to be and I was interruping it. That if I were to ever come into her part of the country (1/2 of the US from me), she'd only introduce me as a friend. And every time she sent me one of these letters, it hurt more and more, so "I" finally stopped communication with her totally, just couldn't handle any more rejection. I also am sympathetic to her feelings, I've never felt any ill-will for her ever, and I never felt the need to forgive her because she didn't do anything wrong-what she did was so right, to give me to a loving family who wanted me. And no, there's lots of us rejected twice's out there, they just don't do shows about us. I wish you the best of luck in your quest :)
Posted by: costumer47
Posted on: 2004-04-05 12:27:48
Connies022,
I do totally understand where you are coming from and give you some MAJOR kudos of having the nerve to tell your BM that someday you'd contact your 1/2 siblings. I didn't have the nerve to do that and still don't. I did keep in contact with my BM for a couple of years, but in every letter she sent me, she told me how I was complicating her life, how she had her life under exactly where she wanted it to be and I was interruping it. That if I were to ever come into her part of the country (1/2 of the US from me), she'd only introduce me as a friend. And every time she sent me one of these letters, it hurt more and more, so "I" finally stopped communication with her totally, just couldn't handle any more rejection. I also am sympathetic to her feelings, I've never felt any ill-will for her ever, and I never felt the need to forgive her because she didn't do anything wrong-what she did was so right, to give me to a loving family who wanted me. And no, there's lots of us rejected twice's out there, they just don't do shows about us. I wish you the best of luck in your quest :)
Reunited birthmother
Posted by: lkatzfey
Posted on: 2004-04-08 13:15:22
My heart goes out to you in this emotional time for you. My daughter found me in 1994 and I opened my heart and arms to her. How could I have done anything else? ALL birthmothers have a responsibility to the children they relinquished to give them what they need to help them feel whole and complete. Just giving birth to a healthy baby is not enough. When we give birth, we become mothers - forever! I hope she can overcome her fears and guilt to open her life to you. No one asked you if you wanted to be given up. You have every right to be part of the family you were born into. Fear & guilt are so useless. She could be denying herself and her other children, your siblings, a meaningful and rich relationship. I applaud your patience, but you need to set a time limit, then pursue your siblings. I hope you are in a support group and have people helping you through this emotionally difficult time. I sincerely hope that you and your birthmother can connect and meet. I feel so strongly that each adoptee should have their whole history and all questions answered. I'll keep a positive thought for you that your birthmother will past her fears and open up to you.
Posted by: lkatzfey
Posted on: 2004-04-08 13:15:22
My heart goes out to you in this emotional time for you. My daughter found me in 1994 and I opened my heart and arms to her. How could I have done anything else? ALL birthmothers have a responsibility to the children they relinquished to give them what they need to help them feel whole and complete. Just giving birth to a healthy baby is not enough. When we give birth, we become mothers - forever! I hope she can overcome her fears and guilt to open her life to you. No one asked you if you wanted to be given up. You have every right to be part of the family you were born into. Fear & guilt are so useless. She could be denying herself and her other children, your siblings, a meaningful and rich relationship. I applaud your patience, but you need to set a time limit, then pursue your siblings. I hope you are in a support group and have people helping you through this emotionally difficult time. I sincerely hope that you and your birthmother can connect and meet. I feel so strongly that each adoptee should have their whole history and all questions answered. I'll keep a positive thought for you that your birthmother will past her fears and open up to you.
Posted by: stock10
Posted on: 2004-04-04 10:08:42
I agree with "costumer47". My parents mean the world to me and no one, not even "biological parents", could ever replace our relationship and the bond that we share. I needed a family and they needed that "little bundle of joy" to care for and nurture with love.
ashcon74
Posted by: ashcon74
Posted on: 2004-04-06 23:21:31
I'm an adopted daughter also. I'm very greatful to have such a large family. 5 brothers and 1 sister. I have met my biological siblings and it has been wonderful. They are very supportive. It's as if no time had past. We both are disappointed that we were not raised together. But we accept the way things are. My concern was for my BM. My siblings and I have different fathers so, explaining that to her children was difficult. My siblings have been supportive to both of us. I love them as much as the siblings I was raised with.
Posted by: ashcon74
Posted on: 2004-04-06 23:21:31
I'm an adopted daughter also. I'm very greatful to have such a large family. 5 brothers and 1 sister. I have met my biological siblings and it has been wonderful. They are very supportive. It's as if no time had past. We both are disappointed that we were not raised together. But we accept the way things are. My concern was for my BM. My siblings and I have different fathers so, explaining that to her children was difficult. My siblings have been supportive to both of us. I love them as much as the siblings I was raised with.
04/02 The reality of Reunions
Posted by: costumer47
Posted on: 2004-04-02 18:22:40
I'm an adopted daughter also, and wouldn't change that for anything in the world. I did find my birth mother, who rejected me again. I have 1/2 siblings that she won't tell about me. We are all in our 50's and I found her 6 years ago, and have been debating for the last 6 years, should I contact them myself. I applaud you for being supportive to your daughter finding her siblings, and Stacey5675 is right, noone will ever replace their REAL mother - YOU. I know that even if my BM had accepted me, it wouldn't have made one iota of difference as to how I felt about my parents who raised me-they were the absolute best and I miss them every single day since they passed away.
Posted by: costumer47
Posted on: 2004-04-02 18:22:40
I'm an adopted daughter also, and wouldn't change that for anything in the world. I did find my birth mother, who rejected me again. I have 1/2 siblings that she won't tell about me. We are all in our 50's and I found her 6 years ago, and have been debating for the last 6 years, should I contact them myself. I applaud you for being supportive to your daughter finding her siblings, and Stacey5675 is right, noone will ever replace their REAL mother - YOU. I know that even if my BM had accepted me, it wouldn't have made one iota of difference as to how I felt about my parents who raised me-they were the absolute best and I miss them every single day since they passed away.
04/02 The reality of Reunions
Posted by: costumer47
Posted on: 2004-04-02 18:45:09
I'm an adopted daughter also, and wouldn't change that for anything in the world. I did find my birth mother, who rejected me again. I have 1/2 siblings that she won't tell about me. We are all in our 50's and I found her 6 years ago, and have been debating for the last 6 years, should I contact them myself. I applaud you for being supportive to your daughter finding her siblings, and Stacey5675 is right, noone will ever replace their REAL mother - YOU. I know that even if my BM had accepted me, it wouldn't have made one iota of difference as to how I felt about my parents who raised me-they were the absolute best and I miss them every single day since they passed away.
Posted by: costumer47
Posted on: 2004-04-02 18:45:09
I'm an adopted daughter also, and wouldn't change that for anything in the world. I did find my birth mother, who rejected me again. I have 1/2 siblings that she won't tell about me. We are all in our 50's and I found her 6 years ago, and have been debating for the last 6 years, should I contact them myself. I applaud you for being supportive to your daughter finding her siblings, and Stacey5675 is right, noone will ever replace their REAL mother - YOU. I know that even if my BM had accepted me, it wouldn't have made one iota of difference as to how I felt about my parents who raised me-they were the absolute best and I miss them every single day since they passed away.
Stevedawn...Try Detaching Yourself
Posted by: donnybaby
Posted on: 2004-04-02 18:02:09
I have great compassion for the strangeness you feel. I think that's to be expected. However, your post sounds like you're more ATTACHED to your daughter than loving. Make no mistake, attachment isn't love. With all due respect, I strongly suspect you're feeling more of an ownership (attachment) than a relationship. Does that make any sense?
Check it out...you and the birth mother don't own this child. And that's a common mis-take that can only lead to suffering for you and all concerned. Learn to love yourself, unattach and learn to let go. Peace & love, Donny
Posted by: donnybaby
Posted on: 2004-04-02 18:02:09
I have great compassion for the strangeness you feel. I think that's to be expected. However, your post sounds like you're more ATTACHED to your daughter than loving. Make no mistake, attachment isn't love. With all due respect, I strongly suspect you're feeling more of an ownership (attachment) than a relationship. Does that make any sense?
Check it out...you and the birth mother don't own this child. And that's a common mis-take that can only lead to suffering for you and all concerned. Learn to love yourself, unattach and learn to let go. Peace & love, Donny
She most definately IS your daughter
Posted by: marcel3914
Posted on: 2004-04-02 18:05:08
With the help of my parents, I found my birth families (both sides) in 1988 when I was 21 years old and I continue to have wonderful relationships with all of them. I was 10 days old when I was relinquished. My parents are and will always be my parents. They were the ones there for me when I took my first steps, had the chicken pox, cried with me the first time I was dumped by a boy, etc. Birth does not a parent make.....it is the history and experiences. From the beginning they supported my desire to search at the point that I was ready. I truly believe that the more love we give, the more we receive. Just because love may grow in your daughters heart for her birth mother, it will never change the fact that you are her mother. Thank God for you in her life.
Posted by: marcel3914
Posted on: 2004-04-02 18:05:08
With the help of my parents, I found my birth families (both sides) in 1988 when I was 21 years old and I continue to have wonderful relationships with all of them. I was 10 days old when I was relinquished. My parents are and will always be my parents. They were the ones there for me when I took my first steps, had the chicken pox, cried with me the first time I was dumped by a boy, etc. Birth does not a parent make.....it is the history and experiences. From the beginning they supported my desire to search at the point that I was ready. I truly believe that the more love we give, the more we receive. Just because love may grow in your daughters heart for her birth mother, it will never change the fact that you are her mother. Thank God for you in her life.
7 adopted children
Posted by: cathe314
Posted on: 2004-04-03 12:28:15
I am the mother of seven adopted children and have always allowed my children to maintain contact with their biological parents, grandparents and siblings. I have never regretted this decision and never felt threatened because I know how much my children love me and view me as their mother. They have grown up to be loving, caring, responsible members of society and I don't think I could ask for more...
Posted by: cathe314
Posted on: 2004-04-03 12:28:15
I am the mother of seven adopted children and have always allowed my children to maintain contact with their biological parents, grandparents and siblings. I have never regretted this decision and never felt threatened because I know how much my children love me and view me as their mother. They have grown up to be loving, caring, responsible members of society and I don't think I could ask for more...
