04/21 O: Oprah Magazine: Sexual Confidence
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Posted by: totzmom
Posted on: 2004-04-21 09:16:00
Hi! I haven't seen the show yet, but I can very much relate to your situation. I had the exact same problem and it truly is a mind over matter thing...and letting your partner know. I was with my partner for 4 years before he caught on, but instead of having a crushed ego...he let me know how important it was that I enjoy myself as much as him and how my enjoyment was a big part of the turn on. It took baby steps and just some simple things over time...after awhile it's automatic and then "watch out!!!" LOL! You'll be mad at yourself for wasting time! :) Trust me, men are NOT overanalyzing what's going on at the time and that is one (and only one :) lesson we should learn from men. Post back if you want some feedback from me and I'll give you my email...otherwise, good luck!!!
Posted by: totzmom
Posted on: 2004-04-21 09:16:00
Hi! I haven't seen the show yet, but I can very much relate to your situation. I had the exact same problem and it truly is a mind over matter thing...and letting your partner know. I was with my partner for 4 years before he caught on, but instead of having a crushed ego...he let me know how important it was that I enjoy myself as much as him and how my enjoyment was a big part of the turn on. It took baby steps and just some simple things over time...after awhile it's automatic and then "watch out!!!" LOL! You'll be mad at yourself for wasting time! :) Trust me, men are NOT overanalyzing what's going on at the time and that is one (and only one :) lesson we should learn from men. Post back if you want some feedback from me and I'll give you my email...otherwise, good luck!!!
totzmom HELP !!
Posted by: nonnie53
Posted on: 2004-04-21 18:22:10
How do you let yourself just "go" ? I have een married for 31 years and have never had an internal orgasim. I have told my husband what I need and he does try but then my mind thinks, "I know he's getting so tired and is disgusted with the way my fat looks and feels". My mind just thinks of a thousand things and when I get to the point of orgasim, I start thinking, "It's going to go away, it's going to go away and of course, it does! He has trouble with "staying power" and it does take me a long time so I know he gets bored with the foreplay. This is embarrassing to talk about, even if no one knows who I am. Does anyome else have this problem and have been able to overcome it? I have suggested "different things" we might could use to keep him from getting too stimulated but he just looked at me and said "Good grief, how stupid".
I would love to have good satisfying sex but at this point it's just not worth it or at least, my ego won't allow me to suggest anything else.
Any suggestions?
Posted by: nonnie53
Posted on: 2004-04-21 18:22:10
How do you let yourself just "go" ? I have een married for 31 years and have never had an internal orgasim. I have told my husband what I need and he does try but then my mind thinks, "I know he's getting so tired and is disgusted with the way my fat looks and feels". My mind just thinks of a thousand things and when I get to the point of orgasim, I start thinking, "It's going to go away, it's going to go away and of course, it does! He has trouble with "staying power" and it does take me a long time so I know he gets bored with the foreplay. This is embarrassing to talk about, even if no one knows who I am. Does anyome else have this problem and have been able to overcome it? I have suggested "different things" we might could use to keep him from getting too stimulated but he just looked at me and said "Good grief, how stupid".
I would love to have good satisfying sex but at this point it's just not worth it or at least, my ego won't allow me to suggest anything else.
Any suggestions?
nonnie53...You're Thinking Too Much
Posted by: donnybaby
Posted on: 2004-04-21 20:39:09
You don't have to answer of course but I'd have to wonder if you've been able to masturbate yourself to orgasm? If not, I doubt you'll allow your husband to bring you to orgasm. Self-pleasuring can be crucial.
To let go, you need to learn to shut off that unwanted mid-sex dialogue as you spoke about. Some call it mind-masturbation. (No pun intended). How do you shut it up? When it comes up just say to yourself (out loud or silently), SHUT UP! But be emphatic about it.
I know it seems silly but I promise it'll work if you keep at it. It might work better if you let hubby know about it ahead of time. But it does work!
Another consideration in learning to let go is to ask yourself 2 things...First-Do I deserve to allow myself to feel wonderful? Second-Am I holding back from letting my husband dominate me? It's also possible that you're sacrificing your own pleasures by not letting him bring you to orgasm. Peace & love, Donny
Posted by: donnybaby
Posted on: 2004-04-21 20:39:09
You don't have to answer of course but I'd have to wonder if you've been able to masturbate yourself to orgasm? If not, I doubt you'll allow your husband to bring you to orgasm. Self-pleasuring can be crucial.
To let go, you need to learn to shut off that unwanted mid-sex dialogue as you spoke about. Some call it mind-masturbation. (No pun intended). How do you shut it up? When it comes up just say to yourself (out loud or silently), SHUT UP! But be emphatic about it.
I know it seems silly but I promise it'll work if you keep at it. It might work better if you let hubby know about it ahead of time. But it does work!
Another consideration in learning to let go is to ask yourself 2 things...First-Do I deserve to allow myself to feel wonderful? Second-Am I holding back from letting my husband dominate me? It's also possible that you're sacrificing your own pleasures by not letting him bring you to orgasm. Peace & love, Donny
to nonnie53
Posted by: totzmom
Posted on: 2004-04-23 09:09:13
Sorry this reply is late! Yes, letting your mind start to race is a very common (once mine) problem! I had to let go of my inhibitions and started by doing the job completely by myself with him watching...I kept my head facing away from him and used fantasy (it included him and was almost scripted completely so that my mind couldn't stray). It took a long time(codktails to "relax" will make this longer if not downright impossible, but once I "knew I could do it", it became easier--plus my partner got to see how I like to be touched so bonus instruction, plus he was totally turned on by it. My guy also has a little "staying" trouble so he touches me a little before and I touch myself a little during. It's all a matter of retraining that "racing mind of yours". And unless he's said something about your weight, chances are it's not a problem for him...My partner has always been with skinny women and I have always been skinny until last year when I became a desk jockey and gained 35 pounds. He's still all over me! I have to "cook on the sly" as I am not "safe" performing ANY tasks in the kitchen... especially emptying the dishwasher! LOL!
Posted by: totzmom
Posted on: 2004-04-23 09:09:13
Sorry this reply is late! Yes, letting your mind start to race is a very common (once mine) problem! I had to let go of my inhibitions and started by doing the job completely by myself with him watching...I kept my head facing away from him and used fantasy (it included him and was almost scripted completely so that my mind couldn't stray). It took a long time(codktails to "relax" will make this longer if not downright impossible, but once I "knew I could do it", it became easier--plus my partner got to see how I like to be touched so bonus instruction, plus he was totally turned on by it. My guy also has a little "staying" trouble so he touches me a little before and I touch myself a little during. It's all a matter of retraining that "racing mind of yours". And unless he's said something about your weight, chances are it's not a problem for him...My partner has always been with skinny women and I have always been skinny until last year when I became a desk jockey and gained 35 pounds. He's still all over me! I have to "cook on the sly" as I am not "safe" performing ANY tasks in the kitchen... especially emptying the dishwasher! LOL!
nonnie
Posted by: binkycjo
Posted on: 2004-04-24 13:47:49
Many women do not have an internal orgasim with penis alone. Why do you think vibrators are so popular? While engaging in intercourse masturbate yourself or use the vibrator along with intercourse. If you read up on this you will see that a great percentage of women do NOT have internal orgasim with penis alone & need clitorial stimulation along with penis.
Posted by: binkycjo
Posted on: 2004-04-24 13:47:49
Many women do not have an internal orgasim with penis alone. Why do you think vibrators are so popular? While engaging in intercourse masturbate yourself or use the vibrator along with intercourse. If you read up on this you will see that a great percentage of women do NOT have internal orgasim with penis alone & need clitorial stimulation along with penis.
Orgasms
Posted by: les03253
Posted on: 2004-04-26 11:54:08
Maybe I am naive, but can someone explain to me the difference between the two types of orgasms?
Posted by: les03253
Posted on: 2004-04-26 11:54:08
Maybe I am naive, but can someone explain to me the difference between the two types of orgasms?
To Beverlee
Posted by: totzmom
Posted on: 2004-04-21 09:16:10
Hi! I haven't seen the show yet, but I can very much relate to your situation. I had the exact same problem and it truly is a mind over matter thing...and letting your partner know. I was with my partner for 4 years before he caught on, but instead of having a crushed ego...he let me know how important it was that I enjoy myself as much as him and how my enjoyment was a big part of the turn on. It took baby steps and just some simple things over time...after awhile it's automatic and then "watch out!!!" LOL! You'll be mad at yourself for wasting time! :) Trust me, men are NOT overanalyzing what's going on at the time and that is one (and only one :) lesson we should learn from men. Post back if you want some feedback from me and I'll give you my email...otherwise, good luck!!!
Posted by: totzmom
Posted on: 2004-04-21 09:16:10
Hi! I haven't seen the show yet, but I can very much relate to your situation. I had the exact same problem and it truly is a mind over matter thing...and letting your partner know. I was with my partner for 4 years before he caught on, but instead of having a crushed ego...he let me know how important it was that I enjoy myself as much as him and how my enjoyment was a big part of the turn on. It took baby steps and just some simple things over time...after awhile it's automatic and then "watch out!!!" LOL! You'll be mad at yourself for wasting time! :) Trust me, men are NOT overanalyzing what's going on at the time and that is one (and only one :) lesson we should learn from men. Post back if you want some feedback from me and I'll give you my email...otherwise, good luck!!!
totzmom...You Have A Strong Point
Posted by: donnybaby
Posted on: 2004-04-21 17:17:36
However, it appears that Beverlee doesn't have a significant other. Either way, my bet is Beverlee is afraid to give herself FULLY (having an orgasm) with a man...afraid to let go. And I don't mean with just any man. Fear of letting go is not that uncommon. And fear of letting go can be directly tied in with fear of being dominated.
Also, and not necessarily sexually, but holding back emotionally more than likely likely began as a child with her father.
Personally, I'd like to ask her if she ever remembers somehow deciding that she doesn't deserve to feel wonderful. That's a possibility also. Peace & love, Donny
Posted by: donnybaby
Posted on: 2004-04-21 17:17:36
However, it appears that Beverlee doesn't have a significant other. Either way, my bet is Beverlee is afraid to give herself FULLY (having an orgasm) with a man...afraid to let go. And I don't mean with just any man. Fear of letting go is not that uncommon. And fear of letting go can be directly tied in with fear of being dominated.
Also, and not necessarily sexually, but holding back emotionally more than likely likely began as a child with her father.
Personally, I'd like to ask her if she ever remembers somehow deciding that she doesn't deserve to feel wonderful. That's a possibility also. Peace & love, Donny
Ms Overly Aggressive
Posted by: thatgirl7
Posted on: 2004-04-21 09:28:35
She says that men do what she does & its a double standard, but I have to disagree. If a man acted like that toward me, I would be totally turned off. Most men don't even act like that. She is coming off as if she will hop into the sack with anyone, (even sight unseen??) Ugh. I would never date a man as agressive as her. It doesnt work either way.
Posted by: thatgirl7
Posted on: 2004-04-21 09:28:35
She says that men do what she does & its a double standard, but I have to disagree. If a man acted like that toward me, I would be totally turned off. Most men don't even act like that. She is coming off as if she will hop into the sack with anyone, (even sight unseen??) Ugh. I would never date a man as agressive as her. It doesnt work either way.
Denial is NOT a river in Egypt
Posted by: recoverone
Posted on: 2004-04-21 14:57:38
This woman is so out of it! Why go on a TV show, complaining about how things are going and then with every suggestion, respond with, “Yea, but…” I don’t know if Dr. Phil said it this time but he’s typical question is often, “And how is that working out for you?” And for this woman, “Not too good!”
Hey, honey! “If nothing changes, nothing changes!” Don’t complain and expect the world for change for you. And, Dr. Phil made a joke about that comment “before my divorce” and she appeared to be so preoccupied with defending her position that she didn’t even get it. Very poor listening… Does she really want help or someone to validate her "BS" card?
One final comment, “If you always do what you have always done, you’ll always get what you have always gotten.”
Posted by: recoverone
Posted on: 2004-04-21 14:57:38
This woman is so out of it! Why go on a TV show, complaining about how things are going and then with every suggestion, respond with, “Yea, but…” I don’t know if Dr. Phil said it this time but he’s typical question is often, “And how is that working out for you?” And for this woman, “Not too good!”
Hey, honey! “If nothing changes, nothing changes!” Don’t complain and expect the world for change for you. And, Dr. Phil made a joke about that comment “before my divorce” and she appeared to be so preoccupied with defending her position that she didn’t even get it. Very poor listening… Does she really want help or someone to validate her "BS" card?
One final comment, “If you always do what you have always done, you’ll always get what you have always gotten.”
Exactly....
Posted by: jostman
Posted on: 2004-04-21 18:43:24
Men that act like her are called DOGS so there is no double standard. If she wants to have sex with a guy with no strings attached that's her business. The same with a guy. The thing she has to understand is that it comes with consequences whether she likes it or not. Her main problem is that she "SAYS" she wants a relationship but the only messages she seems to send to men are sexual. All she needs to do is let men know is that she's comfortable with her sexuality and she'll get more 2nd dates. Most men including me obviously love sex but we do want a relationship too. I didn't like the way Dr Phil suggested playing games as a good thing though. If a girl plays games with me I'm gone. I'm out of high school and don't have time for that stuff.
Posted by: jostman
Posted on: 2004-04-21 18:43:24
Men that act like her are called DOGS so there is no double standard. If she wants to have sex with a guy with no strings attached that's her business. The same with a guy. The thing she has to understand is that it comes with consequences whether she likes it or not. Her main problem is that she "SAYS" she wants a relationship but the only messages she seems to send to men are sexual. All she needs to do is let men know is that she's comfortable with her sexuality and she'll get more 2nd dates. Most men including me obviously love sex but we do want a relationship too. I didn't like the way Dr Phil suggested playing games as a good thing though. If a girl plays games with me I'm gone. I'm out of high school and don't have time for that stuff.
Dear Beverly
Posted by: cydne50
Posted on: 2004-04-21 09:47:02
Making dating all about the sex is like putting the horse before the cart, or eating your desert first, not very satisfying, and it just does not work. It sounds very much to me like you may have intimacy issues, and this means you need to work those issues out before you go a step further with anyone. Believe me, even if you are out to "just having fun" your behavior is not even going to allow fun to happen. I tried this behavior when I was much younger, and all it got me was my name being passed around to alot of guys, no respect, no regard for my feelings, I was treated as an object, not a human being. It only took me a year or so to realize this just was not working for me. You may do well to see a therapist for awhile, to get to the bottom of why you feel the need to objectify yourself with men. I did, and it really helped me become my authentic self.
Cydne
Posted by: cydne50
Posted on: 2004-04-21 09:47:02
Making dating all about the sex is like putting the horse before the cart, or eating your desert first, not very satisfying, and it just does not work. It sounds very much to me like you may have intimacy issues, and this means you need to work those issues out before you go a step further with anyone. Believe me, even if you are out to "just having fun" your behavior is not even going to allow fun to happen. I tried this behavior when I was much younger, and all it got me was my name being passed around to alot of guys, no respect, no regard for my feelings, I was treated as an object, not a human being. It only took me a year or so to realize this just was not working for me. You may do well to see a therapist for awhile, to get to the bottom of why you feel the need to objectify yourself with men. I did, and it really helped me become my authentic self.
Cydne
RE: DEAR BEVERLY
Posted by: lynn195944
Posted on: 2004-04-21 16:07:10
Hi Cynde, I agree with your post 100%. When sex comes before anything else it means nothing other than that sex. A relationship isn't about the sex, it is about getting to know another person, finding what you find compatible in the person and so forth. Women who enter a dating relationship or are in a relationship and the focus is on hopping into bed on the first date are easy and have no self respect in mens eyes.They aren't the woman most men would take home to meet the parents. No wonder women with that attitude get passed around and around. Those women will end up lonely and wonder why. Also women who have reputations as being easy to get into the sack might have a hard time finding a "decent" man who treats them with respect.
The greatest sexual organ is the brain. IMO maybe woman who put sex first and foremost should start using their brains instead of the other sexual organs.
Posted by: lynn195944
Posted on: 2004-04-21 16:07:10
Hi Cynde, I agree with your post 100%. When sex comes before anything else it means nothing other than that sex. A relationship isn't about the sex, it is about getting to know another person, finding what you find compatible in the person and so forth. Women who enter a dating relationship or are in a relationship and the focus is on hopping into bed on the first date are easy and have no self respect in mens eyes.They aren't the woman most men would take home to meet the parents. No wonder women with that attitude get passed around and around. Those women will end up lonely and wonder why. Also women who have reputations as being easy to get into the sack might have a hard time finding a "decent" man who treats them with respect.
The greatest sexual organ is the brain. IMO maybe woman who put sex first and foremost should start using their brains instead of the other sexual organs.
I agree
Posted by: achilles22
Posted on: 2004-04-22 17:52:02
I agree with this post. I am a man and I do not respect women who put sex up front. My male friends are the same (and you should hear how they talk about such women). Women are just giving away their most precious asset and harming themselves and their self-esteem in not reserving sex for a man who really cares about the woman as a person and wants a loving, intimate relationship with her. There is an old rhyme that bears this out-"There are girls who don't, there are girls who do, and there are girls who might be just with you." The last group are women men love and adore and do not treat merely as masturbation devices.
Posted by: achilles22
Posted on: 2004-04-22 17:52:02
I agree with this post. I am a man and I do not respect women who put sex up front. My male friends are the same (and you should hear how they talk about such women). Women are just giving away their most precious asset and harming themselves and their self-esteem in not reserving sex for a man who really cares about the woman as a person and wants a loving, intimate relationship with her. There is an old rhyme that bears this out-"There are girls who don't, there are girls who do, and there are girls who might be just with you." The last group are women men love and adore and do not treat merely as masturbation devices.
Lori
Posted by: lilbear70
Posted on: 2004-04-21 10:12:56
I can totally relate to her!! My husband and I have been together for 12 years and married for 10. He has only seen me totally naked one time and that was by accident! About 13 yeas ago I was burnt on my upper torso and I have terrible scars on both of my breasts. I absolutely will not have sex with the lights on or in the daytime. I even cover the alarmclock light so he cannot see me. When my husband and i first got together,I was ALOT thinner. We have three children and I have totally let myself go. I think in the back of my mind, I think the bigger I am, the more he wont wnat to have sex with me, therefore he wont see me. Its really hard to overcome your fears no matter what anyone says. I really relate to Lori!! Someday I hope to overcome all of this! Lori, if you have any advice of how you overcome this, please let me know.
Posted by: lilbear70
Posted on: 2004-04-21 10:12:56
I can totally relate to her!! My husband and I have been together for 12 years and married for 10. He has only seen me totally naked one time and that was by accident! About 13 yeas ago I was burnt on my upper torso and I have terrible scars on both of my breasts. I absolutely will not have sex with the lights on or in the daytime. I even cover the alarmclock light so he cannot see me. When my husband and i first got together,I was ALOT thinner. We have three children and I have totally let myself go. I think in the back of my mind, I think the bigger I am, the more he wont wnat to have sex with me, therefore he wont see me. Its really hard to overcome your fears no matter what anyone says. I really relate to Lori!! Someday I hope to overcome all of this! Lori, if you have any advice of how you overcome this, please let me know.
Had Twins too
Posted by: froggyhop
Posted on: 2004-04-21 15:47:16
Wow... I'm not alone! Almost 5 years ago I gave birth to twins (7lbs 17 oz. 8lbs 6oz.) and have struggled sooo much from the "battle scars" as my husband calls them. I even put on weight hoping that the stretch marks would fill in a bit and now I find it difficult to lose weight because I'm scared my tummy will "sag" even more. It meant so much to even just see that there is another mom out there with a tummy that looks so much like mine! My husband too tells me that I am beautiful, and that the stretch marks are like honor badges and I should be proud of what my body successfully did... thank you for sharing your story Lori.
Posted by: froggyhop
Posted on: 2004-04-21 15:47:16
Wow... I'm not alone! Almost 5 years ago I gave birth to twins (7lbs 17 oz. 8lbs 6oz.) and have struggled sooo much from the "battle scars" as my husband calls them. I even put on weight hoping that the stretch marks would fill in a bit and now I find it difficult to lose weight because I'm scared my tummy will "sag" even more. It meant so much to even just see that there is another mom out there with a tummy that looks so much like mine! My husband too tells me that I am beautiful, and that the stretch marks are like honor badges and I should be proud of what my body successfully did... thank you for sharing your story Lori.
Not Alone
Posted by: redroseqtz
Posted on: 2004-04-22 11:35:56
Living in a world where women are put on display for various reasons thru the media, and seeming don't give it a second thought about all the people they could be hurting in the process, its so nice when the people who are being hurt by all of it can finally talk about just how big of a problem exists for all of us in this boat. I'm thankful to see that there are good men out there that can be so caring an understanding in spite of it all. Unfortunately those men can't always be found and then the emotional problems that stemmed from all of this can be brought to a whole other level.
Posted by: redroseqtz
Posted on: 2004-04-22 11:35:56
Living in a world where women are put on display for various reasons thru the media, and seeming don't give it a second thought about all the people they could be hurting in the process, its so nice when the people who are being hurt by all of it can finally talk about just how big of a problem exists for all of us in this boat. I'm thankful to see that there are good men out there that can be so caring an understanding in spite of it all. Unfortunately those men can't always be found and then the emotional problems that stemmed from all of this can be brought to a whole other level.
thank you
Posted by: ranoutofid
Posted on: 2004-04-27 10:38:53
Your message is music to my ears. I'am 46 yrs old and been married for 23 yrs. I'am only 120 lbs and I'am 5"4. But women don;t seem to understand that just because you are thin you are sexually confident, nothing could be further from the turth. Women aren't sexually confident with their husbands because all we see is perfect women and lets face it even if your husbands loved you for 22 yrs, wouldn't he like to look at something more attractive than a 46 yr old he's seen plus 2 children. Men are visual and we know that, ans we know it is impossible to look like they would like us to as yrs go by. That is why we feel insecure sexually. We all know deep down inside a pretty picture is just nicer to look at even if you love another one the best.
Posted by: ranoutofid
Posted on: 2004-04-27 10:38:53
Your message is music to my ears. I'am 46 yrs old and been married for 23 yrs. I'am only 120 lbs and I'am 5"4. But women don;t seem to understand that just because you are thin you are sexually confident, nothing could be further from the turth. Women aren't sexually confident with their husbands because all we see is perfect women and lets face it even if your husbands loved you for 22 yrs, wouldn't he like to look at something more attractive than a 46 yr old he's seen plus 2 children. Men are visual and we know that, ans we know it is impossible to look like they would like us to as yrs go by. That is why we feel insecure sexually. We all know deep down inside a pretty picture is just nicer to look at even if you love another one the best.
Sex within a long-term relationship
Posted by: patience12
Posted on: 2004-04-21 10:51:57
I was disappointed that Dr.Phil didn't talk about the role of a commited relationship in intimacy. I'm wondering if the last guest would be worring about what her sex partner thinks of her 'performance' if she were married to a man she loved, trusted, and believed she would be with forever. Maybe then, she could relax and think about the partnership-aspect of the sex, instead of thinking of him as an audience.
Posted by: patience12
Posted on: 2004-04-21 10:51:57
I was disappointed that Dr.Phil didn't talk about the role of a commited relationship in intimacy. I'm wondering if the last guest would be worring about what her sex partner thinks of her 'performance' if she were married to a man she loved, trusted, and believed she would be with forever. Maybe then, she could relax and think about the partnership-aspect of the sex, instead of thinking of him as an audience.
