08/30 How to Get Over It
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7Tryin' to get past his deception
Posted by: lil_mommie
Posted on: 2004-08-29 08:40:02
My husband & I have been together 6 yrs. married 6mo. a few weeks ago I found out he betrayed my trust and was with another woman. Since I found out, he cut off the affair, and wants to try to move on. I love this man & we've been through alot in 6yrs. Along with 2 children. I hope in time we can get past this, however I find myself going back to that place in my heart & mind, where he did me wrong, and I just want to crawl into a hole and hide from this pain. It hurts so much, because he even brought her to our home while I was at work. I work graveyard at a local hospital, I'm a Nurse. I think about his deception expecially when I'm at work and there's a bit of "down time". I keep praying for strength to get past this, and someday forget about it, but I'm not sure I can. Is there anyone out there with help of any kind? I'm 26yrs. old should I let this get me down? I need guidance.
Posted by: lil_mommie
Posted on: 2004-08-29 08:40:02
My husband & I have been together 6 yrs. married 6mo. a few weeks ago I found out he betrayed my trust and was with another woman. Since I found out, he cut off the affair, and wants to try to move on. I love this man & we've been through alot in 6yrs. Along with 2 children. I hope in time we can get past this, however I find myself going back to that place in my heart & mind, where he did me wrong, and I just want to crawl into a hole and hide from this pain. It hurts so much, because he even brought her to our home while I was at work. I work graveyard at a local hospital, I'm a Nurse. I think about his deception expecially when I'm at work and there's a bit of "down time". I keep praying for strength to get past this, and someday forget about it, but I'm not sure I can. Is there anyone out there with help of any kind? I'm 26yrs. old should I let this get me down? I need guidance.
Hi
Posted by: cancerstic
Posted on: 2004-08-29 17:20:32
I'm 26 years old too but I want to admit right off the bat that I've never been married so I don't know exactly what you're going through but I can tell you're in a lot of pain and that you are at a very difficult point in your life.
I think you have every right to your feelings. I think you can forgive your husband but let him know exactly how his actions hurt you and made you feel. Forgive but let him be accountable.
You're worth it!
Posted by: cancerstic
Posted on: 2004-08-29 17:20:32
I'm 26 years old too but I want to admit right off the bat that I've never been married so I don't know exactly what you're going through but I can tell you're in a lot of pain and that you are at a very difficult point in your life.
I think you have every right to your feelings. I think you can forgive your husband but let him know exactly how his actions hurt you and made you feel. Forgive but let him be accountable.
You're worth it!
True Forgiveness
Posted by: sxykool112
Posted on: 2004-08-30 08:25:04
There is nothing wrong with going to that place in your heart and mind that is hurt, so don't hide from it. Instead, sit down and let him know how much he hurt you and betrayed your trust. Do not yell or put blame on him, simply state what it is that you are feeling. Chances are you will never forget what he did to you and you're not supposed to. If you can forgive him and move on with your life with him, then that's great. But that responsibility doesn't just rest with you. He has some serious making up to do and he has to earn your trust again. You can't just give it to him. Make him earn it. If he's not willing to try, then you should consider moving on. The fact that he ended the affair is a good step towards rebuilding your relationship, but both of you have many more steps to go. I am praying for you and hoping that one day you will be happy with him again. Don't expect it to happen overnight. Take it one day at a time, that's all you can do for now. And if need be, go to marital counseling. But if a year or two from now you are still feeling the same way-the pain and the anger and the hurt, then maybe you can't get over it and you should move on. But talk to him and keep talking. And above all, don't stop praying. You will get through this...
Posted by: sxykool112
Posted on: 2004-08-30 08:25:04
There is nothing wrong with going to that place in your heart and mind that is hurt, so don't hide from it. Instead, sit down and let him know how much he hurt you and betrayed your trust. Do not yell or put blame on him, simply state what it is that you are feeling. Chances are you will never forget what he did to you and you're not supposed to. If you can forgive him and move on with your life with him, then that's great. But that responsibility doesn't just rest with you. He has some serious making up to do and he has to earn your trust again. You can't just give it to him. Make him earn it. If he's not willing to try, then you should consider moving on. The fact that he ended the affair is a good step towards rebuilding your relationship, but both of you have many more steps to go. I am praying for you and hoping that one day you will be happy with him again. Don't expect it to happen overnight. Take it one day at a time, that's all you can do for now. And if need be, go to marital counseling. But if a year or two from now you are still feeling the same way-the pain and the anger and the hurt, then maybe you can't get over it and you should move on. But talk to him and keep talking. And above all, don't stop praying. You will get through this...
I am so sorry...
Posted by: smiling68
Posted on: 2004-08-30 09:30:54
I know exactly how you are feeling, and I am so sorry you are experiencing this pain. A very similar situation happened in my marriage almost exactly one year ago. About 6 months into our marriage, my husband had an affair. He brought her into our home, and he would go visit her at work at night while I was sleeping (they both worked nights). I was devastated. Among many other feelings, I also felt like my house was contaminated and I wasn’t comfortable anywhere in my own home. At times I wasn’t even comfortable in my own skin. I wanted to get rid of everything in our home that she had touched.
Right now the most important thing is to take care of yourself. Figure out what is best for you. If you aren’t comfortable in your home because he brought her there, then find somewhere else to stay. I know the pain seems overwhelming at times, but it does get easier as time passes. Some things that helped me get through it: journaling (kept a journal password protected on my computer and wrote in it during some of the more painful times), and I chose several weeks of professional therapy rather than confiding in friends (definitely one of my better decisions). Also, regardless of what caused the affair, know that it is not your fault that he chose to go outside of the marriage to address the issue. Try not to beat yourself up over his choice. If you do choose to stay in the marriage, you both have work to do. You must learn to trust again, and he must work to earn back that trust. The past year has been tough at times for my husband and me, but I’m happy that I chose to stay in the relationship. Things are still not perfect between us (who has a perfect marriage anyway?!!), but our marriage is definitely much stronger now. Even after a year, there is still some occasional pain associated with the affair. I’ve learned to work through it as it comes. I’m not sure if I will ever forget it, but I was able to forgive my husband, primarily for my own sanity.
You are in my prayers.
Posted by: smiling68
Posted on: 2004-08-30 09:30:54
I know exactly how you are feeling, and I am so sorry you are experiencing this pain. A very similar situation happened in my marriage almost exactly one year ago. About 6 months into our marriage, my husband had an affair. He brought her into our home, and he would go visit her at work at night while I was sleeping (they both worked nights). I was devastated. Among many other feelings, I also felt like my house was contaminated and I wasn’t comfortable anywhere in my own home. At times I wasn’t even comfortable in my own skin. I wanted to get rid of everything in our home that she had touched.
Right now the most important thing is to take care of yourself. Figure out what is best for you. If you aren’t comfortable in your home because he brought her there, then find somewhere else to stay. I know the pain seems overwhelming at times, but it does get easier as time passes. Some things that helped me get through it: journaling (kept a journal password protected on my computer and wrote in it during some of the more painful times), and I chose several weeks of professional therapy rather than confiding in friends (definitely one of my better decisions). Also, regardless of what caused the affair, know that it is not your fault that he chose to go outside of the marriage to address the issue. Try not to beat yourself up over his choice. If you do choose to stay in the marriage, you both have work to do. You must learn to trust again, and he must work to earn back that trust. The past year has been tough at times for my husband and me, but I’m happy that I chose to stay in the relationship. Things are still not perfect between us (who has a perfect marriage anyway?!!), but our marriage is definitely much stronger now. Even after a year, there is still some occasional pain associated with the affair. I’ve learned to work through it as it comes. I’m not sure if I will ever forget it, but I was able to forgive my husband, primarily for my own sanity.
You are in my prayers.
My $0.02
Posted by: annecb1
Posted on: 2004-08-30 16:52:21
This is about the worst betrayal between a husband and a wife. I am a 27 year-old nurse who also works the NOC shift, and I can't imagine how I'd feel if my husband had done this. But for you, it's happened. Now it's time to make decisions for the future.
If you have decided to make this marriage work, then you need to make it work. These feelings aren't going to go away overnight, if at all. If he doesn't know how this has affected you, I agree that he should. But I have a feeling that he already knows. We women have a way of sometimes using our emotions like a big club, beating others over the head with them. If he does know what this has done to you, is sorry, and willing to make ammends, then telling him again and again will make no difference.
If you want this marriage to work you'll have to let it go. There are really only two options, you can or you can't. If you can then work out a plan for what to do when these feelings come up: Work out, write in a journal, bake a cake, whatever! Just don't put it on him. Men don't know what to do with our emotions, since he can't fix it he'll see it as a way to continue to punish him. If there are steps you need him to take with you to help e.g. counciling, then let him know. Men can perform actions. However, if the actions you need him to follow make him feel like you'll never trust him again, he may become discouraged.
If you can't let it go, then you have to get out of the marriage. Infidelity is a deal breaker and you are justified if that is your choice.
Marriage takes two. While there is NO excuse for him going outside of the marriage, (I repeat: NONE) I truly believe that figuring out ways that you can improve yourself is a constructive plan. That doesn't mean beating yourself up over what you think your faults are, it means coming up with ways that you can be a better wife, thus bringing out the better husband in him.
Posted by: annecb1
Posted on: 2004-08-30 16:52:21
This is about the worst betrayal between a husband and a wife. I am a 27 year-old nurse who also works the NOC shift, and I can't imagine how I'd feel if my husband had done this. But for you, it's happened. Now it's time to make decisions for the future.
If you have decided to make this marriage work, then you need to make it work. These feelings aren't going to go away overnight, if at all. If he doesn't know how this has affected you, I agree that he should. But I have a feeling that he already knows. We women have a way of sometimes using our emotions like a big club, beating others over the head with them. If he does know what this has done to you, is sorry, and willing to make ammends, then telling him again and again will make no difference.
If you want this marriage to work you'll have to let it go. There are really only two options, you can or you can't. If you can then work out a plan for what to do when these feelings come up: Work out, write in a journal, bake a cake, whatever! Just don't put it on him. Men don't know what to do with our emotions, since he can't fix it he'll see it as a way to continue to punish him. If there are steps you need him to take with you to help e.g. counciling, then let him know. Men can perform actions. However, if the actions you need him to follow make him feel like you'll never trust him again, he may become discouraged.
If you can't let it go, then you have to get out of the marriage. Infidelity is a deal breaker and you are justified if that is your choice.
Marriage takes two. While there is NO excuse for him going outside of the marriage, (I repeat: NONE) I truly believe that figuring out ways that you can improve yourself is a constructive plan. That doesn't mean beating yourself up over what you think your faults are, it means coming up with ways that you can be a better wife, thus bringing out the better husband in him.
Thanks!!!!!
Posted by: lil_mommie
Posted on: 2004-08-30 23:03:43
Thank You all so much for replying to my message. I truelly felt ALONE in this. At first I wanted to crawl into a ball and just die, And I could've if it were'nt for my kiddos, But all of you have helped me to realize what I need to do for me and my family, I cannot express my thanks to you all. Once again it helps to know there are people out there who give a damn, and know exactlly what to say. I'd like to give him a chance but I will be cautious from here on out. And He knows he shamed me once, twice is the point of no return. I'll keep you all posted! THANKS AGAIN! "lilmommie"
Posted by: lil_mommie
Posted on: 2004-08-30 23:03:43
Thank You all so much for replying to my message. I truelly felt ALONE in this. At first I wanted to crawl into a ball and just die, And I could've if it were'nt for my kiddos, But all of you have helped me to realize what I need to do for me and my family, I cannot express my thanks to you all. Once again it helps to know there are people out there who give a damn, and know exactlly what to say. I'd like to give him a chance but I will be cautious from here on out. And He knows he shamed me once, twice is the point of no return. I'll keep you all posted! THANKS AGAIN! "lilmommie"
Oh, The Graveyard Shift
Posted by: gypsy71
Posted on: 2004-12-01 12:12:27
At first, I was going to write you a letter full of anger and revenge....for I too am a 'nightshift nurse', and I understand how demanding this shift could be. I am a new "Dr.Phil" fan and this is my very first time on the website, yours was the first letter I read in the discussion board. I am not married but have two children with my partner of ten years, and we have been through a similar situation. I stayed with him because at the time I had no career prospects and no way of raising my(then)child alone.I never forgot and I never forgave him-I don't think the issue was ever properly dealt with, we fought over it and then, to keep the peace,I ignored it. I was pregnant at the time, so I harboured alot of resentment toward him, but after my daughter was born everything just sort of eased over, and life went back to normal. With one major difference- I, subconciously, chose to develop a career for myself. At the time, neither he or I knew why. But it has become obvious to me now, that I had chosen to begin a new career so that I can eventually maintain my own independence. This was 6 years ago, my realtionship with him has secretly disintergrated in that time, and soon I will be ready to leave him-----for something that happened 6 years ago!!!!! I won't write to you about anger and revenge. Instead I'll write to you about "getting over it" as Dr.Phil says. I don't believe we worked through the issues we needed to, when we needed to and now it's too late. He's not such a bad person-but he is a selfish person who has no insight into my or the children's feelings. I believe that ego led him to cheat, "he did it because he could" and for no other reason. He did it because he wanted to...And personally, I have never been able to believe a word he has said since..I'm always looking for the lie in his words now, whereas previously, I never questioned him. In short, I believe that if you get to work on working it out with him as many other readers have suggested, then you won't be wondering how to seperate your children from their father, later on down the line.I really wish I had some sort of discussion board, like this one, when I needed it. It's abit late now though, for us. But not for you! Use this wonderful advice( from all those caring people) you've been given and I hope it helps your family. Good Luck! Nurses rule!!!!!Men drool!!!!!!!!Gypsy71 in Australia
Posted by: gypsy71
Posted on: 2004-12-01 12:12:27
At first, I was going to write you a letter full of anger and revenge....for I too am a 'nightshift nurse', and I understand how demanding this shift could be. I am a new "Dr.Phil" fan and this is my very first time on the website, yours was the first letter I read in the discussion board. I am not married but have two children with my partner of ten years, and we have been through a similar situation. I stayed with him because at the time I had no career prospects and no way of raising my(then)child alone.I never forgot and I never forgave him-I don't think the issue was ever properly dealt with, we fought over it and then, to keep the peace,I ignored it. I was pregnant at the time, so I harboured alot of resentment toward him, but after my daughter was born everything just sort of eased over, and life went back to normal. With one major difference- I, subconciously, chose to develop a career for myself. At the time, neither he or I knew why. But it has become obvious to me now, that I had chosen to begin a new career so that I can eventually maintain my own independence. This was 6 years ago, my realtionship with him has secretly disintergrated in that time, and soon I will be ready to leave him-----for something that happened 6 years ago!!!!! I won't write to you about anger and revenge. Instead I'll write to you about "getting over it" as Dr.Phil says. I don't believe we worked through the issues we needed to, when we needed to and now it's too late. He's not such a bad person-but he is a selfish person who has no insight into my or the children's feelings. I believe that ego led him to cheat, "he did it because he could" and for no other reason. He did it because he wanted to...And personally, I have never been able to believe a word he has said since..I'm always looking for the lie in his words now, whereas previously, I never questioned him. In short, I believe that if you get to work on working it out with him as many other readers have suggested, then you won't be wondering how to seperate your children from their father, later on down the line.I really wish I had some sort of discussion board, like this one, when I needed it. It's abit late now though, for us. But not for you! Use this wonderful advice( from all those caring people) you've been given and I hope it helps your family. Good Luck! Nurses rule!!!!!Men drool!!!!!!!!Gypsy71 in Australia
lil mommie
Posted by: jjswessel
Posted on: 2004-09-01 12:34:02
Leave you kids with your parents for a few days, get away somewhere alone. Even pamper yourself if you can. It's very early. You haven't even gotten over the shock, and you may never get over the pain, not completely. Where do you think you can go from here? Leave all your options open. Only you can decide. Surround youself with loving friends and family. Only Love can heal your deep wounds. Remember that your life is just getting started and you want to choose the path that you will be most happiest. This is not the end of your life, just the beginning of a new, stronger one.
Posted by: jjswessel
Posted on: 2004-09-01 12:34:02
Leave you kids with your parents for a few days, get away somewhere alone. Even pamper yourself if you can. It's very early. You haven't even gotten over the shock, and you may never get over the pain, not completely. Where do you think you can go from here? Leave all your options open. Only you can decide. Surround youself with loving friends and family. Only Love can heal your deep wounds. Remember that your life is just getting started and you want to choose the path that you will be most happiest. This is not the end of your life, just the beginning of a new, stronger one.
Facts 4 Forgiveness=2Parts
Posted by: dandspree
Posted on: 2004-09-04 15:14:48
Forgiveness REQUIRES forgetting the thing committed against you that causes the pain and anguish.We all wrestle with this to some degree each and every day.
The process of forgetting has certain elements:
The damage to you may be from slight to great, the person committing the offense is spouse, family, friend, or stranger.
If an issue is dissected,(so to speak), it is easier to diffuse.
But CAUTION HERE; don't let your mind "play these tapes of who did what to whom 'on the loop'", that's a dead end deal.
Forgetting is the flip side of forgiveness.
For instance; have you ever heard the old saying, "Let sleeping dogs lie"?,(meaning the dogs are laying down sleeping - so......JUST LEAVE THEM THERE!)
After careful, constructive contemplation of the offender and the offense, consider and imagine yourself rising above(or forgiving) the infraction and (forgetting) the pain you feel.
Then.......Put a HUGE "do not disturb" sign on the findings of what caused the pain.
~*~ *~* ~*~ *~* ~*~
Rise above infraction = Forgive it
Getting over it = Forget it
So, then you....
*BURY IT
**PUT IT TO BED
***PUT IT IN THE TRASH
****DELETE IT
*****GET IT OUT OF YOUR LIFE
Forgetting is essential to forgiving! Not easy but essential. The more times you choose to forget the thing, the easier it becomes and the longer it will stay forgotten. A good but hard lesson to learn in life.
Then and only then, can you get you "get over it", and more peacefully get on with your life and the goodness you can find in it!
There is hope. It is possible.
Posted by: dandspree
Posted on: 2004-09-04 15:14:48
Forgiveness REQUIRES forgetting the thing committed against you that causes the pain and anguish.We all wrestle with this to some degree each and every day.
The process of forgetting has certain elements:
The damage to you may be from slight to great, the person committing the offense is spouse, family, friend, or stranger.
If an issue is dissected,(so to speak), it is easier to diffuse.
But CAUTION HERE; don't let your mind "play these tapes of who did what to whom 'on the loop'", that's a dead end deal.
Forgetting is the flip side of forgiveness.
For instance; have you ever heard the old saying, "Let sleeping dogs lie"?,(meaning the dogs are laying down sleeping - so......JUST LEAVE THEM THERE!)
After careful, constructive contemplation of the offender and the offense, consider and imagine yourself rising above(or forgiving) the infraction and (forgetting) the pain you feel.
Then.......Put a HUGE "do not disturb" sign on the findings of what caused the pain.
~*~ *~* ~*~ *~* ~*~
Rise above infraction = Forgive it
Getting over it = Forget it
So, then you....
*BURY IT
**PUT IT TO BED
***PUT IT IN THE TRASH
****DELETE IT
*****GET IT OUT OF YOUR LIFE
Forgetting is essential to forgiving! Not easy but essential. The more times you choose to forget the thing, the easier it becomes and the longer it will stay forgotten. A good but hard lesson to learn in life.
Then and only then, can you get you "get over it", and more peacefully get on with your life and the goodness you can find in it!
There is hope. It is possible.
Facts 4 Forgiveness=2Parts
Posted by: dandspree
Posted on: 2004-09-04 15:19:51
Forgiveness REQUIRES forgetting the thing committed against you that causes the pain and anguish.We all wrestle with this to some degree each and every day.
The process of forgetting has certain elements:
The damage to you may be from slight to great, the person committing the offense is spouse, family, friend, or stranger.
If an issue is dissected,(so to speak), it is easier to diffuse.
But CAUTION HERE; don't let your mind "play these tapes of who did what to whom 'on the loop'", that's a dead end deal.
Forgetting is the flip side of forgiveness.
For instance; have you ever heard the old saying, "Let sleeping dogs lie"?,(meaning the dogs are laying down sleeping - so......JUST LEAVE THEM THERE!)
After careful, constructive contemplation of the offender and the offense, consider and imagine yourself rising above(or forgiving) the infraction and (forgetting) the pain you feel.
Then.......Put a HUGE "do not disturb" sign on the findings of what caused the pain.
~*~ *~* ~*~ *~* ~*~
Rise above infraction = Forgive it
Getting over it = Forget it
So, then you....
*BURY IT
**PUT IT TO BED
***PUT IT IN THE TRASH
****DELETE IT
*****GET IT OUT OF YOUR LIFE
Forgetting is essential to forgiving! Not easy but essential. The more times you choose to forget the thing, the easier it becomes and the longer it will stay forgotten. A good but hard lesson to learn in life.
Then and only then, can you get you "get over it", and more peacefully get on with your life and the goodness you can find in it!
There is hope. It is possible.
Posted by: dandspree
Posted on: 2004-09-04 15:19:51
Forgiveness REQUIRES forgetting the thing committed against you that causes the pain and anguish.We all wrestle with this to some degree each and every day.
The process of forgetting has certain elements:
The damage to you may be from slight to great, the person committing the offense is spouse, family, friend, or stranger.
If an issue is dissected,(so to speak), it is easier to diffuse.
But CAUTION HERE; don't let your mind "play these tapes of who did what to whom 'on the loop'", that's a dead end deal.
Forgetting is the flip side of forgiveness.
For instance; have you ever heard the old saying, "Let sleeping dogs lie"?,(meaning the dogs are laying down sleeping - so......JUST LEAVE THEM THERE!)
After careful, constructive contemplation of the offender and the offense, consider and imagine yourself rising above(or forgiving) the infraction and (forgetting) the pain you feel.
Then.......Put a HUGE "do not disturb" sign on the findings of what caused the pain.
~*~ *~* ~*~ *~* ~*~
Rise above infraction = Forgive it
Getting over it = Forget it
So, then you....
*BURY IT
**PUT IT TO BED
***PUT IT IN THE TRASH
****DELETE IT
*****GET IT OUT OF YOUR LIFE
Forgetting is essential to forgiving! Not easy but essential. The more times you choose to forget the thing, the easier it becomes and the longer it will stay forgotten. A good but hard lesson to learn in life.
Then and only then, can you get you "get over it", and more peacefully get on with your life and the goodness you can find in it!
There is hope. It is possible.
adultery
Posted by: mtnflower
Posted on: 2004-12-27 11:26:52
Hi lil mommie, this is a hard thing to overcome, I recently went through this with my husband of 5 yrs. Sounds like he wants to stay with you, get some local counselling. A counsellor can see behaviors a normal person would not be aware of. A counsellor can help you get better adn forgive him whether you stay together or not. Past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior. Get counselling. It's worth it. He'll help you decide.
Posted by: mtnflower
Posted on: 2004-12-27 11:26:52
Hi lil mommie, this is a hard thing to overcome, I recently went through this with my husband of 5 yrs. Sounds like he wants to stay with you, get some local counselling. A counsellor can see behaviors a normal person would not be aware of. A counsellor can help you get better adn forgive him whether you stay together or not. Past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior. Get counselling. It's worth it. He'll help you decide.
What kind of marriage is that?
Posted by: gracie1961
Posted on: 2004-08-29 08:42:11
Marriage is all about FAMILY--I know that's a generalization, and real life is complex, but I don't have an hour or a whole book to write, so generalizations are what I have to limit myself to.
Nicole's man sounds like the sort who really just wants a permanent girlfriend. I don't know why she "married" him in the first place, but this doesn't sound like a real marriage to me -- it's just paper without substance. Nicole, sweety, divorce the boyfriend, and find a husband and father. And I think he will be happier with a girlfriend than a wife, too.
You may now deposit 5 cents. :)
Posted by: gracie1961
Posted on: 2004-08-29 08:42:11
Marriage is all about FAMILY--I know that's a generalization, and real life is complex, but I don't have an hour or a whole book to write, so generalizations are what I have to limit myself to.
Nicole's man sounds like the sort who really just wants a permanent girlfriend. I don't know why she "married" him in the first place, but this doesn't sound like a real marriage to me -- it's just paper without substance. Nicole, sweety, divorce the boyfriend, and find a husband and father. And I think he will be happier with a girlfriend than a wife, too.
You may now deposit 5 cents. :)
Not always
Posted by: sunfox
Posted on: 2004-08-29 20:47:17
There is such a thing as a family of two: a husband and wife only. Marriage shouldn't mean that children are always part of the package. There are many happy couples out there who are enjoying their marriage without children and I don't believe that they should be chastised for that personal choice. But in looking at Nicole's scenario, this is not quite the same situation. It sounds like both her husband and herself are at fault for not discussing the decision to have children BEFORE marriage. Perhaps they both thought that after getting married, one would change the other one's mind. This has produced some disasterous results and a very messy situation that I sincerely hope they can remedy.
Posted by: sunfox
Posted on: 2004-08-29 20:47:17
There is such a thing as a family of two: a husband and wife only. Marriage shouldn't mean that children are always part of the package. There are many happy couples out there who are enjoying their marriage without children and I don't believe that they should be chastised for that personal choice. But in looking at Nicole's scenario, this is not quite the same situation. It sounds like both her husband and herself are at fault for not discussing the decision to have children BEFORE marriage. Perhaps they both thought that after getting married, one would change the other one's mind. This has produced some disasterous results and a very messy situation that I sincerely hope they can remedy.
But they must have discussed it
Posted by: cijaym
Posted on: 2004-08-30 19:41:41
If he talked about having his vasectomy reversed, the topic would've come up at least once. He even said he just "gave in", sounded like just to "shut her up". He lied, he even admitted it. He said he'd consider it but he didn't mean it. That's a lie. Obviously he's got a lot of good qualities (and I 100% admit I don't know anything else about him) not only for her to endure this "abuse" (being lied to and given ultimatums) but for her to become upset when he treats her like that. There ARE families of two but it wasn't what she wanted and it sounds like she was an open book. My only hope is that he doesn't 'give in'. It's awful to have a kid just to appease your spouse and have no love for the kid yourself. Trust me, I know it.
Posted by: cijaym
Posted on: 2004-08-30 19:41:41
If he talked about having his vasectomy reversed, the topic would've come up at least once. He even said he just "gave in", sounded like just to "shut her up". He lied, he even admitted it. He said he'd consider it but he didn't mean it. That's a lie. Obviously he's got a lot of good qualities (and I 100% admit I don't know anything else about him) not only for her to endure this "abuse" (being lied to and given ultimatums) but for her to become upset when he treats her like that. There ARE families of two but it wasn't what she wanted and it sounds like she was an open book. My only hope is that he doesn't 'give in'. It's awful to have a kid just to appease your spouse and have no love for the kid yourself. Trust me, I know it.
Developing the basis for a family
Posted by: mormon71
Posted on: 2004-08-30 23:03:23
I could hardly believe watching the show come on today because my husband and I are going through such a similar situation right now. I won't gush with details you don't need, but as I watched the show I agreed so much with Dr. Phil. There has to be a solid foundation in the home for a child to come into. Asking a spouse to agree to children to prove his or her love can do just the opposite. The love needs to be there first to nurture the child in a welcoming atmosphere. Fritz himself was talking about the downside to bringing a child into a relationship that already has so many problems. I also agree with Sunfox. Over the last nine years the my husband and I have become a very solid and whole family. If the time comes that he is as ready as I am to expand our family -- which would be through adoption -- great! But our personal relationship will always be a much bigger priority than any other factor in that family. Otherwise the family cannot succeed. The thought of breaking up a marriage over such an issue is truly tragic. I wish Fritz and Nicole both well and hope they can find what will bring them joy instead of such sadness.
Posted by: mormon71
Posted on: 2004-08-30 23:03:23
I could hardly believe watching the show come on today because my husband and I are going through such a similar situation right now. I won't gush with details you don't need, but as I watched the show I agreed so much with Dr. Phil. There has to be a solid foundation in the home for a child to come into. Asking a spouse to agree to children to prove his or her love can do just the opposite. The love needs to be there first to nurture the child in a welcoming atmosphere. Fritz himself was talking about the downside to bringing a child into a relationship that already has so many problems. I also agree with Sunfox. Over the last nine years the my husband and I have become a very solid and whole family. If the time comes that he is as ready as I am to expand our family -- which would be through adoption -- great! But our personal relationship will always be a much bigger priority than any other factor in that family. Otherwise the family cannot succeed. The thought of breaking up a marriage over such an issue is truly tragic. I wish Fritz and Nicole both well and hope they can find what will bring them joy instead of such sadness.
Baby Issue
Posted by: flashylady
Posted on: 2004-08-31 00:17:00
I agree with Sunfox that a happy marriage does not necessitate children. In fact, I don't believe couples should have children if their marriage isn't stable or if both partners don't sincerely want to have them. Doing that would be disasterous and would not only be unfair to the spouse that didn't want children, it would cause resentment and be an unhealthy environment to raise a child in. I think both Fritz and Nicole are to blame. They should have never married wtihout resolving this issue first, and Dr. Phil was remiss in not pointing out to both of them, and the national audience, that couples should be in agreement about this major life issue before they walk down the aisle if they want their marriage to succeed. As it turned out, Dr. Phil seemed to think that Fritz should give in to Nicole if he cared about her. That advice might work if Fritz didn't have a particularly strong conviction about not wanting children, but I think it is unfair to expect one spouse to give in on such a monumental, life changing decision. I think Fritz was dishonest by leading her on, but at least he did admit it. He also never promised her he would ever change his mind. Nicole should have considered that possibility before she got married if children were that important to her. Also, Fritz made a revealing remark that his wife was obsessed with having children and stated that he wanted his wife back. Nicole said the relationship was good until the baby issue came up. It sounds to me like Nicole isn't giving Fritz much of a reason to want to stay in the marriage and that they don't have much of a commitment to each other anymore. It seems, sad as it is, that the only solution is for them to split up and look for partners who want the same things in life.
Posted by: flashylady
Posted on: 2004-08-31 00:17:00
I agree with Sunfox that a happy marriage does not necessitate children. In fact, I don't believe couples should have children if their marriage isn't stable or if both partners don't sincerely want to have them. Doing that would be disasterous and would not only be unfair to the spouse that didn't want children, it would cause resentment and be an unhealthy environment to raise a child in. I think both Fritz and Nicole are to blame. They should have never married wtihout resolving this issue first, and Dr. Phil was remiss in not pointing out to both of them, and the national audience, that couples should be in agreement about this major life issue before they walk down the aisle if they want their marriage to succeed. As it turned out, Dr. Phil seemed to think that Fritz should give in to Nicole if he cared about her. That advice might work if Fritz didn't have a particularly strong conviction about not wanting children, but I think it is unfair to expect one spouse to give in on such a monumental, life changing decision. I think Fritz was dishonest by leading her on, but at least he did admit it. He also never promised her he would ever change his mind. Nicole should have considered that possibility before she got married if children were that important to her. Also, Fritz made a revealing remark that his wife was obsessed with having children and stated that he wanted his wife back. Nicole said the relationship was good until the baby issue came up. It sounds to me like Nicole isn't giving Fritz much of a reason to want to stay in the marriage and that they don't have much of a commitment to each other anymore. It seems, sad as it is, that the only solution is for them to split up and look for partners who want the same things in life.
Come On, Nicole!
Posted by: mycita
Posted on: 2004-08-31 12:17:03
Oh, Nicole, why don't you just forget about
adopting a kid? Right now, that is all you
can think about. But think about this, missy, if you did adopt the "kid of your
dreams", it just might turn out to be the
biggest disaster of your entire life. Leave
well enough alone! You'll be glad you did
later down the line.
Posted by: mycita
Posted on: 2004-08-31 12:17:03
Oh, Nicole, why don't you just forget about
adopting a kid? Right now, that is all you
can think about. But think about this, missy, if you did adopt the "kid of your
dreams", it just might turn out to be the
biggest disaster of your entire life. Leave
well enough alone! You'll be glad you did
later down the line.
I dis agree
Posted by: talesi
Posted on: 2004-08-31 12:57:22
I watched the show last night I my heart goes out to the wife. It appears you are a very loving person in general and you have opened your heart and your arms to HIS children. I did not hear any complaints. It appears that he likes the fact that he has you for HIM and has you for his children, for his needs, for HIM. What about you. I agree with Dr Phil. He has not even considered you. He shows no malice, no concern, no regard. Don't you deserve better than that. He knew of your struggles with your past and this new life you are looking to have with a child is capture what you have lost. You are a beautiful person. People are saying "don't adopt", what about the family that took your child in. You have to believe they are as loving and caring as you and they loved and raised your child as you would. I will pray for you. I was 16 when I had my first child, 19 with the second and divorced by 20. Static I know. HOWEVER I raised my children on my own and chose them first before a relationship. They are grown and I have had another child with the love of my life and I am so fulfilled. I am a different person, mother, and human and I am enjoying every day with my son. I was a good mother with the other 2 however I was too young to appreciate it in addition to being to young to provide for them the way I can now.
I know that some men may not admit to watching Dr. Phil but I know they do! I am sure there are a couple of good men out there who appreciate you! Even without one, you are able to adopt, I am sure Dr. Phil would help....that would be a good follow up story. Don't give up your dream! Don't give up a dream of another child to be adopted. Also consider foster parenting as a way to fill in the gap. I live in AZ and there is a court appointed group that help with children and families with problems. My sister was longing for a child and as she could not have any more due to health reasons she has volunteered her time with CASA and finds a ton of rewards. She no longer has the desire to have a child as she now has hundreds!
It is a shame that your husband is so selfish and self absorbed. He may even have someone else in mind and has already moved on. It did not appear he was interested in "anything" you had to say. I know it will hurt as you put trust in this man. But never forget to be true to yourself!
Best Wishes!
Posted by: talesi
Posted on: 2004-08-31 12:57:22
I watched the show last night I my heart goes out to the wife. It appears you are a very loving person in general and you have opened your heart and your arms to HIS children. I did not hear any complaints. It appears that he likes the fact that he has you for HIM and has you for his children, for his needs, for HIM. What about you. I agree with Dr Phil. He has not even considered you. He shows no malice, no concern, no regard. Don't you deserve better than that. He knew of your struggles with your past and this new life you are looking to have with a child is capture what you have lost. You are a beautiful person. People are saying "don't adopt", what about the family that took your child in. You have to believe they are as loving and caring as you and they loved and raised your child as you would. I will pray for you. I was 16 when I had my first child, 19 with the second and divorced by 20. Static I know. HOWEVER I raised my children on my own and chose them first before a relationship. They are grown and I have had another child with the love of my life and I am so fulfilled. I am a different person, mother, and human and I am enjoying every day with my son. I was a good mother with the other 2 however I was too young to appreciate it in addition to being to young to provide for them the way I can now.
I know that some men may not admit to watching Dr. Phil but I know they do! I am sure there are a couple of good men out there who appreciate you! Even without one, you are able to adopt, I am sure Dr. Phil would help....that would be a good follow up story. Don't give up your dream! Don't give up a dream of another child to be adopted. Also consider foster parenting as a way to fill in the gap. I live in AZ and there is a court appointed group that help with children and families with problems. My sister was longing for a child and as she could not have any more due to health reasons she has volunteered her time with CASA and finds a ton of rewards. She no longer has the desire to have a child as she now has hundreds!
It is a shame that your husband is so selfish and self absorbed. He may even have someone else in mind and has already moved on. It did not appear he was interested in "anything" you had to say. I know it will hurt as you put trust in this man. But never forget to be true to yourself!
Best Wishes!
mom wannabe
Posted by: lichu1
Posted on: 2004-08-29 23:06:31
When I met my husband, and we started dating, I learned he was married before with one child, and had a vasectomy. This completely made me think othrerwise because my future included children...however I genuinely cared about him, and continued to see him. I fell in love with him, and in the two years we dated, I never broached the subject of the future and my desire to have children ( I guess it was fear of losing this man I loved ). When he proposed, I said, you may not want to marry me, we have an issue we have never spoke about before, and that;s when i told him my wish to be a mother..he told me that the hard divorce and that his son was used as a bargaining tool, and that,he was denied access to him,was the reason for the early vasectomy ( he was 23), that he would never do that to another child...I stuck to my guns.he married me, had a vaso vasectomy ( reversal), and we now have a 1 year old and trying again..I can't believe this gal married without discussing what she wanted. If he adamantly didn't want children with her, she should've run in the other direction... something wrong with this picture
Posted by: lichu1
Posted on: 2004-08-29 23:06:31
When I met my husband, and we started dating, I learned he was married before with one child, and had a vasectomy. This completely made me think othrerwise because my future included children...however I genuinely cared about him, and continued to see him. I fell in love with him, and in the two years we dated, I never broached the subject of the future and my desire to have children ( I guess it was fear of losing this man I loved ). When he proposed, I said, you may not want to marry me, we have an issue we have never spoke about before, and that;s when i told him my wish to be a mother..he told me that the hard divorce and that his son was used as a bargaining tool, and that,he was denied access to him,was the reason for the early vasectomy ( he was 23), that he would never do that to another child...I stuck to my guns.he married me, had a vaso vasectomy ( reversal), and we now have a 1 year old and trying again..I can't believe this gal married without discussing what she wanted. If he adamantly didn't want children with her, she should've run in the other direction... something wrong with this picture
What's wrong with this picture?
Posted by: ramair
Posted on: 2004-08-30 15:37:49
Dr Phil only presented one side of the picture, Nicole's. This seems to be, all too often, the case whenever a couple appears on his show. Letting the woman play the "victim" role. As if she's never made any contributions to their problems. It almost always takes two, though. That's why I watch, and listen, very closely and try to read between the lines.
Posted by: ramair
Posted on: 2004-08-30 15:37:49
Dr Phil only presented one side of the picture, Nicole's. This seems to be, all too often, the case whenever a couple appears on his show. Letting the woman play the "victim" role. As if she's never made any contributions to their problems. It almost always takes two, though. That's why I watch, and listen, very closely and try to read between the lines.
