12/28 Ask Dr. Phil and Robin
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Posted by: atlswan
Posted on: 2004-10-09 15:28:28
I know this show hasn't aired yet but I did look at the preview gallery. I have to agree with Dr. Phil's advice to the bride to be. Planning a wedding is hard work but it is one day out of your marriage. The true sweat and work needs to be done on preparing for the daily workings of your actual marriage.
Having just gotten married a little over a year ago, I know this personally. In a world where the divorce rate is over 50 percent, I was very concerned about the homework my fiance and I did on our coming marriage. We went to a weekend wedding counseling workshop at his church that opened our eyes to a lot of things. We talked out a lot of issues and situations we hadn't considered. We learned about how to "fight fair" when we have disagreements. That weekend started a major ongoing discussion on what we wanted from our marriage and being totally honest about it.
The other thing that helped cement our relationship was, oddly enough, his being in another state at the time. We talked every night about our daily struggles and supported each other. We talked some about the wedding but more about what we were going through.
Now that we've been married a year, I can tell you that the work we did BEFORE the wedding has truly helped. We've had our bumps in the road but we always managed to overcome them because we are friends AND lovers.
As for planning that wedding, DO enlist the help of your friends and family. Sadly for me, my mother couldn't help because my father was dying from a terminal illness. She helped in what little way she could and I love her for it. My sister would offer to help and then never follow up. So I often would go it alone. My bridesmaids eventually sat me down and MADE me let them help. They wanted to be a part of it. So learn to delegate a little and you'll be amazed at how your stress level will drop.
Posted by: atlswan
Posted on: 2004-10-09 15:28:28
I know this show hasn't aired yet but I did look at the preview gallery. I have to agree with Dr. Phil's advice to the bride to be. Planning a wedding is hard work but it is one day out of your marriage. The true sweat and work needs to be done on preparing for the daily workings of your actual marriage.
Having just gotten married a little over a year ago, I know this personally. In a world where the divorce rate is over 50 percent, I was very concerned about the homework my fiance and I did on our coming marriage. We went to a weekend wedding counseling workshop at his church that opened our eyes to a lot of things. We talked out a lot of issues and situations we hadn't considered. We learned about how to "fight fair" when we have disagreements. That weekend started a major ongoing discussion on what we wanted from our marriage and being totally honest about it.
The other thing that helped cement our relationship was, oddly enough, his being in another state at the time. We talked every night about our daily struggles and supported each other. We talked some about the wedding but more about what we were going through.
Now that we've been married a year, I can tell you that the work we did BEFORE the wedding has truly helped. We've had our bumps in the road but we always managed to overcome them because we are friends AND lovers.
As for planning that wedding, DO enlist the help of your friends and family. Sadly for me, my mother couldn't help because my father was dying from a terminal illness. She helped in what little way she could and I love her for it. My sister would offer to help and then never follow up. So I often would go it alone. My bridesmaids eventually sat me down and MADE me let them help. They wanted to be a part of it. So learn to delegate a little and you'll be amazed at how your stress level will drop.
Premarriage work
Posted by: jenc867530
Posted on: 2004-10-11 11:59:53
I agree that premarriage work is so important. I think it's important to have the kind of wedding you want as well, but a lot of people do forget to plan for the marriage. We thought we were right on track with everything until we went to premarital counseling!!! We had to discuss and hash out a lot of things that we didn't even know we disagreed on. We've been married three years and we still use tools that we learned then so we'll "fight" well and continue to have a strong relationship. Yes, in those last months before the wedding all the planning can be really stressful but if you can focus on the marriage instead, it's worth it in the longrun.
Posted by: jenc867530
Posted on: 2004-10-11 11:59:53
I agree that premarriage work is so important. I think it's important to have the kind of wedding you want as well, but a lot of people do forget to plan for the marriage. We thought we were right on track with everything until we went to premarital counseling!!! We had to discuss and hash out a lot of things that we didn't even know we disagreed on. We've been married three years and we still use tools that we learned then so we'll "fight" well and continue to have a strong relationship. Yes, in those last months before the wedding all the planning can be really stressful but if you can focus on the marriage instead, it's worth it in the longrun.
Great!
Posted by: atlswan
Posted on: 2004-10-11 16:33:53
That's so true! Like you and your husband, my husand and I thought we were on track and knew it all. Well, not all but most of it. That counseling really was a jolt but a good one. We had to sit down in a room alone and hash out a lot of issues that we'd never even thought of. We also saw the results of our Myers-Briggs personality test, which showed us a lot.
I'm glad you're still using your "tools" in your marriage. I know we are.
I hope more couples will take the proper time to put their energy into planning the marriage itself and not just the wedding day.
Posted by: atlswan
Posted on: 2004-10-11 16:33:53
That's so true! Like you and your husband, my husand and I thought we were on track and knew it all. Well, not all but most of it. That counseling really was a jolt but a good one. We had to sit down in a room alone and hash out a lot of issues that we'd never even thought of. We also saw the results of our Myers-Briggs personality test, which showed us a lot.
I'm glad you're still using your "tools" in your marriage. I know we are.
I hope more couples will take the proper time to put their energy into planning the marriage itself and not just the wedding day.
Marriage advice.
Posted by: coblor97
Posted on: 2004-10-11 15:29:19
My first marriage was to my high school sweetheart. We had a huge wedding, everything was perfect. We had 2 great kids and thought everything was great. We were married 10 yrs. then divorced. We were more like room mates than a married couple. My second husband and I decided instead of spending all our money and time on a big wedding we would build out dream house instead. We got married by a judge at the courthouse and our "reception" was at our favorite pizza place. It was very casual and we had a blast. We have been together 11 yrs. now, still living in our dream house and couldn't be happier. I know that many women dream of a huge, perfect wedding but in reality it's just a day and in 24hrs. all that time and energy you put into it are over and the marriage really starts. This happens whether you spend thousands of dollars or $20 like we did. Your spouse and future are the most important things.
Posted by: coblor97
Posted on: 2004-10-11 15:29:19
My first marriage was to my high school sweetheart. We had a huge wedding, everything was perfect. We had 2 great kids and thought everything was great. We were married 10 yrs. then divorced. We were more like room mates than a married couple. My second husband and I decided instead of spending all our money and time on a big wedding we would build out dream house instead. We got married by a judge at the courthouse and our "reception" was at our favorite pizza place. It was very casual and we had a blast. We have been together 11 yrs. now, still living in our dream house and couldn't be happier. I know that many women dream of a huge, perfect wedding but in reality it's just a day and in 24hrs. all that time and energy you put into it are over and the marriage really starts. This happens whether you spend thousands of dollars or $20 like we did. Your spouse and future are the most important things.
Oct. 11th show
Posted by: grapes44
Posted on: 2004-10-10 11:10:15
I understand that there is another show called "After the Dr. Phil Show". Does anyone have any information on this. it is quite a coinsisdence that this show will be aired on this date, as i asked Dr. Phil a question after the show about my daughter's sudden death (April 11, 2004). October 11th is the 6 month anniversary. If anyone could give me any info about this show, I would be really interested. Thank you
Posted by: grapes44
Posted on: 2004-10-10 11:10:15
I understand that there is another show called "After the Dr. Phil Show". Does anyone have any information on this. it is quite a coinsisdence that this show will be aired on this date, as i asked Dr. Phil a question after the show about my daughter's sudden death (April 11, 2004). October 11th is the 6 month anniversary. If anyone could give me any info about this show, I would be really interested. Thank you
grapes44
Posted by: tea4ular
Posted on: 2004-10-11 09:54:41
I'm so very sorry for your loss.
I'm a huge Dr. Phil fan, and have never heard of the "After the Show" for his show. I do know that OPRAH has one, but Dr. Phil hasn't followed her path...yet! (I'll watch it when he does though!)
Posted by: tea4ular
Posted on: 2004-10-11 09:54:41
I'm so very sorry for your loss.
I'm a huge Dr. Phil fan, and have never heard of the "After the Show" for his show. I do know that OPRAH has one, but Dr. Phil hasn't followed her path...yet! (I'll watch it when he does though!)
Families Saving Themselves
Posted by: mama9398
Posted on: 2004-10-11 10:54:19
Theresa's situation really touched me. Everyone should discover WWW.FLYLADY.NET!!! This is a new way of life to help you get organized. My experience has been fantastic. My home is comfortable, peaceful, organized, & clean without all the unnecessary stress that we put on ourselves & our families when we think of traditional "cleaning" demands. FlyLady wants you to give yourself permission to not be perfect & gives you ideas & support to help create a happy home & especially a happy family. Please check it out. For Theresa & the thousands (probably millions) of us who have been in that same or at least similar situation, the FlyLady way is such a blessing! Thanks for your time...
Posted by: mama9398
Posted on: 2004-10-11 10:54:19
Theresa's situation really touched me. Everyone should discover WWW.FLYLADY.NET!!! This is a new way of life to help you get organized. My experience has been fantastic. My home is comfortable, peaceful, organized, & clean without all the unnecessary stress that we put on ourselves & our families when we think of traditional "cleaning" demands. FlyLady wants you to give yourself permission to not be perfect & gives you ideas & support to help create a happy home & especially a happy family. Please check it out. For Theresa & the thousands (probably millions) of us who have been in that same or at least similar situation, the FlyLady way is such a blessing! Thanks for your time...
I second mama 9398
Posted by: mrsdo05
Posted on: 2004-10-11 14:16:40
I joined Dr.Phils website just so that I could comment on the Theresas situation and tell women all over the world (or at least Dr.Phil fans)about FLY LADY! She changed my life. I now have a beautiful clean environment to live in, and plenty of time for me and for my kids. You must check her out. I think that Dr.Phil should have her on his show... she changes the lives of stressed out moms. Check her out Theresa!
Posted by: mrsdo05
Posted on: 2004-10-11 14:16:40
I joined Dr.Phils website just so that I could comment on the Theresas situation and tell women all over the world (or at least Dr.Phil fans)about FLY LADY! She changed my life. I now have a beautiful clean environment to live in, and plenty of time for me and for my kids. You must check her out. I think that Dr.Phil should have her on his show... she changes the lives of stressed out moms. Check her out Theresa!
Posted by: laura_149
Posted on: 2004-10-11 16:02:44
After seeing Theresa I wanted to come on here and suggest she check out Flylady...but a couple of other wonderful people have already done so. Let me just second (third!) their replies. Take a minute and check it out. Flylady encourages babysteps and reminds us that "housework done imperfectly still blesses our families".
Agreed
Posted by: boots78
Posted on: 2004-10-11 16:13:40
When I heard of all her organizing books, I thought the same thing. flylady is very helpful.
Posted by: boots78
Posted on: 2004-10-11 16:13:40
When I heard of all her organizing books, I thought the same thing. flylady is very helpful.
My two cents as a freelance writer
Posted by: andreattp
Posted on: 2004-10-12 11:30:37
As a freelance writer with a nine month old baby at home, I have sympathy for Theresa, but I found Robin's answer too "pat" for me.
Getting up two hours early is good and it does help, but not if your house is a messy warzone (and yes, we've all had that *wry grin.*), dinner isn't ready when the spouse gets home, and (potentially) your spouse isn't supportive.
It's serious hard work, keeping the kids on a schedule, the house in decent (but not sparkling) order, providing healthy, interesting meals *and* satisfying your own needs as an independent adult. I find it worthwhile, but exhausting . ..
Robin's kids are teenagers, I have to wonder how she handled everything when they were just learning to crawl or walk, babies and toddlers. I've got a three and a half year old as well (in daycare), so I know how mobility changes things *wry grin.*
In all fairness there is no "pat" answer that works for everyone. Each family has to find it's own balance and strategies so that Mom and Dad don't go nuts, and the kids are happy (most of the time). But as a freelance writer in her fourth year of business, I wanted to put in my own two cents.
And BTW - I have also used www.flylady.com as a resource for strategies and ideas to keep my house reasonably clean :-)
Posted by: andreattp
Posted on: 2004-10-12 11:30:37
As a freelance writer with a nine month old baby at home, I have sympathy for Theresa, but I found Robin's answer too "pat" for me.
Getting up two hours early is good and it does help, but not if your house is a messy warzone (and yes, we've all had that *wry grin.*), dinner isn't ready when the spouse gets home, and (potentially) your spouse isn't supportive.
It's serious hard work, keeping the kids on a schedule, the house in decent (but not sparkling) order, providing healthy, interesting meals *and* satisfying your own needs as an independent adult. I find it worthwhile, but exhausting . ..
Robin's kids are teenagers, I have to wonder how she handled everything when they were just learning to crawl or walk, babies and toddlers. I've got a three and a half year old as well (in daycare), so I know how mobility changes things *wry grin.*
In all fairness there is no "pat" answer that works for everyone. Each family has to find it's own balance and strategies so that Mom and Dad don't go nuts, and the kids are happy (most of the time). But as a freelance writer in her fourth year of business, I wanted to put in my own two cents.
And BTW - I have also used www.flylady.com as a resource for strategies and ideas to keep my house reasonably clean :-)
writer
Posted by: sawtlw12
Posted on: 2004-10-12 15:42:46
I would love to know more about your writing and how you are persuing it with kids in tow.
Posted by: sawtlw12
Posted on: 2004-10-12 15:42:46
I would love to know more about your writing and how you are persuing it with kids in tow.
Fly Lady
Posted by: dawnmariev
Posted on: 2004-10-12 15:01:23
I was just coming here to suggest Fly Lady to Theresa. When I saw her yesterday, I thought -- now there is a flybaby in the making.
Glad you other flybabies came out to show support Theresa too.
Theresa -- check it out!
Rie
Posted by: dawnmariev
Posted on: 2004-10-12 15:01:23
I was just coming here to suggest Fly Lady to Theresa. When I saw her yesterday, I thought -- now there is a flybaby in the making.
Glad you other flybabies came out to show support Theresa too.
Theresa -- check it out!
Rie
Thank you
Posted by: sawtlw12
Posted on: 2004-10-12 15:29:35
Thank you to everyone who mentioned Flylady.com. After I taped the show a friend stumbled onto the website. We have been following all the suggestions and life is getting better!! Still haven't been able to get up at 5am. When I get up, somehow the children know and they too get up.
Thanks again for all of the suggestions.
Posted by: sawtlw12
Posted on: 2004-10-12 15:29:35
Thank you to everyone who mentioned Flylady.com. After I taped the show a friend stumbled onto the website. We have been following all the suggestions and life is getting better!! Still haven't been able to get up at 5am. When I get up, somehow the children know and they too get up.
Thanks again for all of the suggestions.
Posted by: calmchaos7
Posted on: 2004-10-11 12:11:40
As I listened to Theresa's problem, I was finding about five things wrong with it. I immediately identified that she was taking no time for herself. I almost literally need some me time daily. I was like that when I was single, I was like that when I was dating. I was like that when my husband and I were going steady. I'm still like that. There is truth in the old proverb, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Also, I didn't hear the suggestion that Dad could spend time with the kids in the evening. It took the two of them to make them, it should take the two of them to raise them. Supposedly (or at least Dr. Phil and Robin portray it as much), Robin was the perfect wife and mother who didn't "need" her husband's help, very "Leave it to Beaver"-ish. Also, Theresa has two small children. She lives in the real life, therefore, the house won't always (if ever) be immaculate. So what. I have no children, and I see the importance in that. On Friday, I started to to pick things up off of the floor and move things around to vacuum. I saw a bag that needed to go out of the apartment. By the time I came back from that chore, my husband was home. We wound up hanging in the living room reading some magazines we had gotten in the mail that day, talking and enjoying each other's company, alone with no TV distractions, for about an hour before he had a couple of errands to run and then we met up with some friends for dinner. It's Monday, and the carpet is still unvacuumed. On Saturday when we were home together, we were together. The house work and the additional clutter of dirty dishes and containers that didn't fit into the recycle bin are still there. That may get done today, however, that is not on the top of my list of chores.
Some clutter can wait. Some clutter will remain possibly permanantly. Some clutter will have to reamin. My mother was (is, but since it's just her an my father now, it's much easier) a neat house freak. Even as I child, I could see what was important and what wasn't. I just don't believe in making a big deal out of things. When I have to make a big deal out of things, I freak. Then I avoid the sitation, as I'm doing now. Therefore, I'll sign off, as I've given my two, perhaps five, cents.
Advice for Theresa
Posted by: karen_g32
Posted on: 2004-10-11 19:47:48
I was a stay at home mother with four children born within 5 years. Take it from me, they grow too fast and you will have plenty of "you time" before you know it.
Some advice:
1: TOO MANY TOYS!! My heavens, I've seen day care facilities with fewer play-things. Pare down to just a few and you will have less "clutter".
2: Did I hear you say you had a house full of animals? You sure are asking for extra work. Make it one pet....a fish.
You gave birth to these children. Give them 100% of yourself now. Your day will come, I promise. You will never regret it.
Posted by: karen_g32
Posted on: 2004-10-11 19:47:48
I was a stay at home mother with four children born within 5 years. Take it from me, they grow too fast and you will have plenty of "you time" before you know it.
Some advice:
1: TOO MANY TOYS!! My heavens, I've seen day care facilities with fewer play-things. Pare down to just a few and you will have less "clutter".
2: Did I hear you say you had a house full of animals? You sure are asking for extra work. Make it one pet....a fish.
You gave birth to these children. Give them 100% of yourself now. Your day will come, I promise. You will never regret it.
Women from Other Planets
Posted by: cancerstic
Posted on: 2004-10-11 13:11:25
A wedding every little girl dreams of?? I thought that any female born after 1970 wasn't raised to believe that her wedding is the best and only important day of her life. It's not even completely about them, it's about the groom, family and the reception party afterwards. These women seem so starved for the spotlight that when the opportunity finally comes along to be in one (the wedding) they go extreme. If they crave attention so much they need to satisfy that in other areas of their life, otherwise it won't stop. In a couple years these women will be planning every stage of their child's life the minute they find out they're pregnant from the birth to the child's wedding!
What planet do these women come from??
Posted by: cancerstic
Posted on: 2004-10-11 13:11:25
A wedding every little girl dreams of?? I thought that any female born after 1970 wasn't raised to believe that her wedding is the best and only important day of her life. It's not even completely about them, it's about the groom, family and the reception party afterwards. These women seem so starved for the spotlight that when the opportunity finally comes along to be in one (the wedding) they go extreme. If they crave attention so much they need to satisfy that in other areas of their life, otherwise it won't stop. In a couple years these women will be planning every stage of their child's life the minute they find out they're pregnant from the birth to the child's wedding!
What planet do these women come from??
to: cancerstic
Posted by: jakesr
Posted on: 2004-10-11 14:40:08
I agree with your post that these woman are starved for attention. Everything in their life becomes about "the day", not the marriage. I saw this with my niece. For a year, she was consumed with the wedding DAY and the day after, was depressed and did not recover until she became pregnant. Her daughter is 8 and she is obsessed with this child to the exclusion of everything and everyone else,including her husband. she even sleeps in the same room as her daughter. She plans everything for her child, from what she wears, eats, the activities she does. She even stated recently she wanted to get 3 cemetery plots for the "3 of them"...This girl was looking for attention because of her poor relationship with her own Mom and her perceived lack of attenion. It's very sad, especially for her child. Any advice??
Posted by: jakesr
Posted on: 2004-10-11 14:40:08
I agree with your post that these woman are starved for attention. Everything in their life becomes about "the day", not the marriage. I saw this with my niece. For a year, she was consumed with the wedding DAY and the day after, was depressed and did not recover until she became pregnant. Her daughter is 8 and she is obsessed with this child to the exclusion of everything and everyone else,including her husband. she even sleeps in the same room as her daughter. She plans everything for her child, from what she wears, eats, the activities she does. She even stated recently she wanted to get 3 cemetery plots for the "3 of them"...This girl was looking for attention because of her poor relationship with her own Mom and her perceived lack of attenion. It's very sad, especially for her child. Any advice??
Hello
Posted by: cancerstic
Posted on: 2004-10-11 16:10:14
Wow, it sounds like my aunt. Do you think there's anything you could say to her that would make her realize the effect this has on her daughter? Right now "controlling" does not consistute as abuse but I think in in situations such as this one, it is. If all else fails, talk to her husband, encourage him to seek help (maybe that will convince her) if not for his own sake at least for his daughters.
That's my two cents...I'm so sorry for your neice. I hope whatever is haunting her that she finally wises up and confronts it so she can find peace...that's my two cents.
Posted by: cancerstic
Posted on: 2004-10-11 16:10:14
Wow, it sounds like my aunt. Do you think there's anything you could say to her that would make her realize the effect this has on her daughter? Right now "controlling" does not consistute as abuse but I think in in situations such as this one, it is. If all else fails, talk to her husband, encourage him to seek help (maybe that will convince her) if not for his own sake at least for his daughters.
That's my two cents...I'm so sorry for your neice. I hope whatever is haunting her that she finally wises up and confronts it so she can find peace...that's my two cents.
Yikes
Posted by: atlswan
Posted on: 2004-10-11 16:33:53
Oh my gosh! That situation sounds so unhealthy for that little girl! It sounds like her mother is overcompensating for the close relationship she didn't get from her own mother. This child, if she doesn't already, is going to resent her mother's smothering. And her poor husband is sleeping alone.
Sounds like your niece lacks an inner life. By that I mean she lacks a true sense of self. She lives through others. Does she have any hobbies or dreams? It sounds like she needs something BESIDES her daughter that is all her own. Maybe you could encourage her in this? I hardly know what to tell you as it sounds like she's pretty firmly entrenched.
Posted by: atlswan
Posted on: 2004-10-11 16:33:53
Oh my gosh! That situation sounds so unhealthy for that little girl! It sounds like her mother is overcompensating for the close relationship she didn't get from her own mother. This child, if she doesn't already, is going to resent her mother's smothering. And her poor husband is sleeping alone.
Sounds like your niece lacks an inner life. By that I mean she lacks a true sense of self. She lives through others. Does she have any hobbies or dreams? It sounds like she needs something BESIDES her daughter that is all her own. Maybe you could encourage her in this? I hardly know what to tell you as it sounds like she's pretty firmly entrenched.
