01/20 The Role of the Man, Part 2
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | next » | lastGet a Clue, Chris
Posted by: shanls
Posted on: 2004-01-20 10:10:51
This story really hit home for me. Chris, you need to get a clue. I realize God only gave a man enough blood to operate the brain or the penis and you need to send some of that blood on the elevator upstairs for a while. My partner is the same way and I will tell you there is nothing more draining than to be expected to have sex whenever the man feels like it. Especially when children are involved, your sex life changes and to only be nice to her when you want sex is just demeaning. I and your wife I am sure, want to feel like we are special. It isn't that hard. But you shouldn't always be rewarded with sex. Just knowing that you made another person feel like they matter and that someone cares about them should be satisfying enough to you at times. When we feel good about ourselves and not just sex objects, trust me, your sexual needs will be met without a fight.
Posted by: shanls
Posted on: 2004-01-20 10:10:51
This story really hit home for me. Chris, you need to get a clue. I realize God only gave a man enough blood to operate the brain or the penis and you need to send some of that blood on the elevator upstairs for a while. My partner is the same way and I will tell you there is nothing more draining than to be expected to have sex whenever the man feels like it. Especially when children are involved, your sex life changes and to only be nice to her when you want sex is just demeaning. I and your wife I am sure, want to feel like we are special. It isn't that hard. But you shouldn't always be rewarded with sex. Just knowing that you made another person feel like they matter and that someone cares about them should be satisfying enough to you at times. When we feel good about ourselves and not just sex objects, trust me, your sexual needs will be met without a fight.
Get a CLue, MEN
Posted by: nursenell
Posted on: 2004-01-20 18:46:35
I too have the same situation with my hubby. It is frustrating to try and meet the demands of the children, work, and him. I agree. We want to feel special ALL of the time not just when we have rewarded you and meet your needs. We have needs too. Ours are more emotional, physical and spiritual. Maybe Dr. Phil needs to teach a class on "IF SHE IS HAPPY...SO ARE YOU!!!"
Posted by: nursenell
Posted on: 2004-01-20 18:46:35
I too have the same situation with my hubby. It is frustrating to try and meet the demands of the children, work, and him. I agree. We want to feel special ALL of the time not just when we have rewarded you and meet your needs. We have needs too. Ours are more emotional, physical and spiritual. Maybe Dr. Phil needs to teach a class on "IF SHE IS HAPPY...SO ARE YOU!!!"
He does
Posted by: allinall
Posted on: 2004-01-20 23:24:24
Dr. Phil is always telling men that "if she (the wife) is happy....so are you" when he says just that and; "men just don't get it but they can be trained", "don't you understand that you (men) don't mess with her nest", "you (men) need to understand they (women) have verrry long memories", and the list goes on. He is always railing on men about how they have to make the wife happy or else and that men don't. The question becomes; where is the undefined point of her happiness? Only she can define where that point is.
Posted by: allinall
Posted on: 2004-01-20 23:24:24
Dr. Phil is always telling men that "if she (the wife) is happy....so are you" when he says just that and; "men just don't get it but they can be trained", "don't you understand that you (men) don't mess with her nest", "you (men) need to understand they (women) have verrry long memories", and the list goes on. He is always railing on men about how they have to make the wife happy or else and that men don't. The question becomes; where is the undefined point of her happiness? Only she can define where that point is.
it goes both ways
Posted by: joshsmothe
Posted on: 2004-01-21 20:01:09
the happiest marriagess are the ones that both couples make their spouces happiness
their first concern. That is the only way to
have the itimacy every one yearns for.
Rember that it is more blessed to give than to receive
Josh's Mom
Posted by: joshsmothe
Posted on: 2004-01-21 20:01:09
the happiest marriagess are the ones that both couples make their spouces happiness
their first concern. That is the only way to
have the itimacy every one yearns for.
Rember that it is more blessed to give than to receive
Josh's Mom
have I missed it?
Posted by: allinall
Posted on: 2004-01-20 10:28:41
Did I miss the show(s) that are as fervent about what the wife's role in the marriage is? I have seen the many that detail the man's role. What does the man do when there are never enough chores completed, money made and or spent, never enough intimacy, never enough of her expectations fulfilled? I mean there is a sub-message that a marriage is all about her expectations of what a man "should" be; She "can not" fulfill her role unless he has "lived up to" her expectations of what he should be. Are husbands really supposed to be her extended father and she our "little princess". Is it really true that only women have no unreal expectations? Only they know when enough is enough? Only they are unable to be self centered? That only women know the true meaning of a proper marriage? Maybe Dr. Phil is right that men are stupid and need to be trained. I always thought there was a difference between serving another and being their servant. What I hear is the dichotomy between being "your authentic self" and being servant to someone who can not be satisfied unless. I wish I would have realized marriage was a one-sided partnership before I got married; That she is both partners and I the servant to those partners. Dr. Phil should do a show that men should not marry because they can not be good enough in the marriage. Or, if men are going to get married they should be required to go through an 8 week boot camp on how to become only an extension of what women believe men should be.
Posted by: allinall
Posted on: 2004-01-20 10:28:41
Did I miss the show(s) that are as fervent about what the wife's role in the marriage is? I have seen the many that detail the man's role. What does the man do when there are never enough chores completed, money made and or spent, never enough intimacy, never enough of her expectations fulfilled? I mean there is a sub-message that a marriage is all about her expectations of what a man "should" be; She "can not" fulfill her role unless he has "lived up to" her expectations of what he should be. Are husbands really supposed to be her extended father and she our "little princess". Is it really true that only women have no unreal expectations? Only they know when enough is enough? Only they are unable to be self centered? That only women know the true meaning of a proper marriage? Maybe Dr. Phil is right that men are stupid and need to be trained. I always thought there was a difference between serving another and being their servant. What I hear is the dichotomy between being "your authentic self" and being servant to someone who can not be satisfied unless. I wish I would have realized marriage was a one-sided partnership before I got married; That she is both partners and I the servant to those partners. Dr. Phil should do a show that men should not marry because they can not be good enough in the marriage. Or, if men are going to get married they should be required to go through an 8 week boot camp on how to become only an extension of what women believe men should be.
obviously you did
Posted by: capri03
Posted on: 2004-01-20 11:34:42
miss the shows dealing with women and their issues....as well as missing what was said today.
Please!
What were you watching today? Certainly not the show that everyone else did, were you listening to Dr. Phil?
Posted by: capri03
Posted on: 2004-01-20 11:34:42
miss the shows dealing with women and their issues....as well as missing what was said today.
Please!
What were you watching today? Certainly not the show that everyone else did, were you listening to Dr. Phil?
I to have seen what I did
Posted by: maritimer1
Posted on: 2004-01-20 16:06:50
I am a 38 year old male, with CP. My girlfriend of 6 years is now at a friends house thinking of leaving me.
I to nagged for sex and spent too much time on the computer. I Spent hardly no time with the family. Now I miss this and want to fix it, but she finds it hard to believe that I have changed.
Seeing todays set in me the right direction, now if I can only get her to give me the chance to prove it.
Posted by: maritimer1
Posted on: 2004-01-20 16:06:50
I am a 38 year old male, with CP. My girlfriend of 6 years is now at a friends house thinking of leaving me.
I to nagged for sex and spent too much time on the computer. I Spent hardly no time with the family. Now I miss this and want to fix it, but she finds it hard to believe that I have changed.
Seeing todays set in me the right direction, now if I can only get her to give me the chance to prove it.
dont give up
Posted by: momisme2
Posted on: 2004-01-20 17:42:59
I think its good that you can see where you made mistakes and are willing to do the work you need to repair the damage. Thats very admirable! So many are not even willing to do that! Since you are I have some advice for you from a womens perspective that might help. Keep in mind what Dr. Phil said about doing things for the sake of doing them(cus its your role). Sometimes women need alot more then you may think before they are willing to try again. We tend to be stubborn when weve been hurt. If you go at this exepecting her to change at a certain time this will work against you. Prove to yourself first that you are ready to change and do all you need to for yourself. Most women are suckers for romance. But, if we think its phoney it wont work. It may take a whole lot of effort but if youre serious it will come through. Also, saying sorry as many times as it takes, even throwing in that you dont expect her to forgive you with one im sorry. But ask if she will at least be willing to watch and see the progress before she walks. Hope it works for you and her! Good luck!
Posted by: momisme2
Posted on: 2004-01-20 17:42:59
I think its good that you can see where you made mistakes and are willing to do the work you need to repair the damage. Thats very admirable! So many are not even willing to do that! Since you are I have some advice for you from a womens perspective that might help. Keep in mind what Dr. Phil said about doing things for the sake of doing them(cus its your role). Sometimes women need alot more then you may think before they are willing to try again. We tend to be stubborn when weve been hurt. If you go at this exepecting her to change at a certain time this will work against you. Prove to yourself first that you are ready to change and do all you need to for yourself. Most women are suckers for romance. But, if we think its phoney it wont work. It may take a whole lot of effort but if youre serious it will come through. Also, saying sorry as many times as it takes, even throwing in that you dont expect her to forgive you with one im sorry. But ask if she will at least be willing to watch and see the progress before she walks. Hope it works for you and her! Good luck!
That's Right
Posted by: honeydiper
Posted on: 2004-01-20 19:58:04
Thank you Capri, for standing up for the sista's..
S.D.
Posted by: honeydiper
Posted on: 2004-01-20 19:58:04
Thank you Capri, for standing up for the sista's..
S.D.
Look at
Posted by: allinall
Posted on: 2004-01-20 23:55:27
"shanls" first three sentences. She is pointing to her husband and ALL men. We are not all like that. No more than women are all alike, tough there are some traits that are common to each sex. However, she, I'm sure even by what the womens responces here have been, is only a small part of the women that heard exactly what I did. That all men don't get anything. That it's assured if men can make women happy then men will be happy. I assure you that is a falisy. I lived through that same falisy. There are a great many of us who have pitched in full force in "helping" (if not doing) w/ the house, kids, laundry etc., and still did all the "man" responsibilities alone and she still wasn't happy. There is no way anything will be straightened out if we, men and women, continue to ignore how the other views us and don't take a look to ourselves and ask; is it possible there may be some truth in their perception? Not necessarily that it is true. Rather; is what I'm doing, and the way I'm doing it, could be seen that way? We all have to come to the realization and responsibility that what we do may not be right to others just because that's the way we are. That is the full definition of consideration ("Thoughtful concern for others")!
Posted by: allinall
Posted on: 2004-01-20 23:55:27
"shanls" first three sentences. She is pointing to her husband and ALL men. We are not all like that. No more than women are all alike, tough there are some traits that are common to each sex. However, she, I'm sure even by what the womens responces here have been, is only a small part of the women that heard exactly what I did. That all men don't get anything. That it's assured if men can make women happy then men will be happy. I assure you that is a falisy. I lived through that same falisy. There are a great many of us who have pitched in full force in "helping" (if not doing) w/ the house, kids, laundry etc., and still did all the "man" responsibilities alone and she still wasn't happy. There is no way anything will be straightened out if we, men and women, continue to ignore how the other views us and don't take a look to ourselves and ask; is it possible there may be some truth in their perception? Not necessarily that it is true. Rather; is what I'm doing, and the way I'm doing it, could be seen that way? We all have to come to the realization and responsibility that what we do may not be right to others just because that's the way we are. That is the full definition of consideration ("Thoughtful concern for others")!
allinall
Posted by: momisme2
Posted on: 2004-01-21 09:37:55
I think you are correct that in some cases it just does not matter what the man does. Not only that, but in some cases the man can be doing everything he should and the woman is being a cruel selfish witch that doesent deserve to have such a man in their lives. For this example you are correct that Dr. Phils advice on "If momma aint happy aint nobody happy" doesent wash. But...you have to take things in the proper way they are being given.
I want to apologize for being snotty with you in my post. That was wrong of me and I should have hushed up. You are right that I reacted to your words. It seemed funny to me that someone could have watched the show and not got the message. I can see now where you're coming from cus you have tried and tried and has gotten you no where. I think you have a right to your feelings of not understanding and taking it personal. Sorry I acted badly and posted a smart mouthed remark.
Posted by: momisme2
Posted on: 2004-01-21 09:37:55
I think you are correct that in some cases it just does not matter what the man does. Not only that, but in some cases the man can be doing everything he should and the woman is being a cruel selfish witch that doesent deserve to have such a man in their lives. For this example you are correct that Dr. Phils advice on "If momma aint happy aint nobody happy" doesent wash. But...you have to take things in the proper way they are being given.
I want to apologize for being snotty with you in my post. That was wrong of me and I should have hushed up. You are right that I reacted to your words. It seemed funny to me that someone could have watched the show and not got the message. I can see now where you're coming from cus you have tried and tried and has gotten you no where. I think you have a right to your feelings of not understanding and taking it personal. Sorry I acted badly and posted a smart mouthed remark.
Posted by: hd2000_me
Posted on: 2004-01-30 11:37:45
He didn't say issues, he said their ROLE. Dr Phil is always telling the men what they need to do to satisfy/please/pacify the woman, but he has NOT had a show on what a woman should do to make her husband happy. He is forever telling us that if "momma ain't happy then nobody is". His shows are geared to making momma happy. Nothing about how to make "daddy" happy. He is having whole shows about what a man's role and job is, but he doesn't have even a segment of a show on what a woman's job is.
Re:hd2000 me
Posted by: speak2u
Posted on: 2004-01-30 21:18:47
I have said this before to many others who can't hear well, Dr. Phil said he was going to continue this series with what a womans role is. So turn your t.v. up and pay attention. Dr. Phil is not one sided!
Posted by: speak2u
Posted on: 2004-01-30 21:18:47
I have said this before to many others who can't hear well, Dr. Phil said he was going to continue this series with what a womans role is. So turn your t.v. up and pay attention. Dr. Phil is not one sided!
finally a man who gets it
Posted by: momisme2
Posted on: 2004-01-20 14:59:59
Bravo! You got it! Yes, it is all about the woman and her never unreal expectations. Yes, a woman is the princess and not only that must be kept on a incredibly high pedestal. So true that only we know the meaning of when enough is enough. Only we are unable to be self centered. Dr. Phil IS right that men are stupid and need to be trained. Oh, and most important of all, is how correct you are that men are our servants. You got it all dead on. Now keep this in your mind always and you will do exceptionally well.
tehehe
Posted by: momisme2
Posted on: 2004-01-20 14:59:59
Bravo! You got it! Yes, it is all about the woman and her never unreal expectations. Yes, a woman is the princess and not only that must be kept on a incredibly high pedestal. So true that only we know the meaning of when enough is enough. Only we are unable to be self centered. Dr. Phil IS right that men are stupid and need to be trained. Oh, and most important of all, is how correct you are that men are our servants. You got it all dead on. Now keep this in your mind always and you will do exceptionally well.
tehehe
have I missed it? I think so
Posted by: sunshineak
Posted on: 2004-01-20 18:43:09
allinall, can i just give you the woman's point of view and maybe ask a few questions? I hope thats ok? "never enough chores completed" Try to carry a tape recorder around with you when she asks you to do something and how you react to her when she asks you questions on how or what you are doing? If you explain and dont treat her like she's stupid then she's got a problem. If you ask "how would it be more of a benifit for you to do 'this' and I promise not to tell you thats stupid and do it my way" then she has a problem. If you ask her to help and she refuses with beligerance and defiance then she does have a problem. As far as the money, The women i have talked with would be glad to live in a tent if they knew they meant something to their husbands. Making money isnt where its at, sorry. Sure money is nice, but its not first and formost. And one more question, Is intimacy sex or is it getting to really know the other person so that sex is far more enjoyable for both? Most women and myself dont want an extended 'father' we want a husband and all that husband entails, committment, companionship,respect, acceptance and sex. And yes, there are also women who are self centered and refuse to work on a marriage. And yes, there are also women who are so stupid in a marriage they have no clue. I'm not really sure why you seem so angry since the only person anyone can change for the better is one's self.
Posted by: sunshineak
Posted on: 2004-01-20 18:43:09
allinall, can i just give you the woman's point of view and maybe ask a few questions? I hope thats ok? "never enough chores completed" Try to carry a tape recorder around with you when she asks you to do something and how you react to her when she asks you questions on how or what you are doing? If you explain and dont treat her like she's stupid then she's got a problem. If you ask "how would it be more of a benifit for you to do 'this' and I promise not to tell you thats stupid and do it my way" then she has a problem. If you ask her to help and she refuses with beligerance and defiance then she does have a problem. As far as the money, The women i have talked with would be glad to live in a tent if they knew they meant something to their husbands. Making money isnt where its at, sorry. Sure money is nice, but its not first and formost. And one more question, Is intimacy sex or is it getting to really know the other person so that sex is far more enjoyable for both? Most women and myself dont want an extended 'father' we want a husband and all that husband entails, committment, companionship,respect, acceptance and sex. And yes, there are also women who are self centered and refuse to work on a marriage. And yes, there are also women who are so stupid in a marriage they have no clue. I'm not really sure why you seem so angry since the only person anyone can change for the better is one's self.
have I missed it?
Posted by: cynthiadin
Posted on: 2004-01-20 19:58:33
I'm sorry you didn't hear the part where Dr. Phil said that your "job" as a husband is your "job" no matter what your wife or anybody else thinks. You do it because it's your job. It's what you signed up to do when you got married. And, if you do your job, you'll have a good marriage.
Dr. Phil doesn't advocate being a servant or a doormat. He advocates stepping outside of yourself to see how your behavior is effecting those around you. If you're selfish with your time and affection, chances are your spouse will be resentful.
I'd bet that if you tuned in (which is not asking too much from a spouse. After all, you were tuned in enough at first to want to spend the rest of your life with this person) you'd find that your spouse will respond in kind and find you more than "good enough". That is assuming, or course, that you didn't marry expecting a slave of your own...
Posted by: cynthiadin
Posted on: 2004-01-20 19:58:33
I'm sorry you didn't hear the part where Dr. Phil said that your "job" as a husband is your "job" no matter what your wife or anybody else thinks. You do it because it's your job. It's what you signed up to do when you got married. And, if you do your job, you'll have a good marriage.
Dr. Phil doesn't advocate being a servant or a doormat. He advocates stepping outside of yourself to see how your behavior is effecting those around you. If you're selfish with your time and affection, chances are your spouse will be resentful.
I'd bet that if you tuned in (which is not asking too much from a spouse. After all, you were tuned in enough at first to want to spend the rest of your life with this person) you'd find that your spouse will respond in kind and find you more than "good enough". That is assuming, or course, that you didn't marry expecting a slave of your own...
you haven't missed "it"
Posted by: gthomas
Posted on: 2004-01-20 23:14:45
Dear Allinall: Dr. Phil said at the end of today's show that he will do shows on the role of the woman in the marriage. As a married woman of almost 30 years, I'm looking forward to those shows. I'm impressed that you watched Dr. Phil's shows on the role of men in a marriage. I taped the first one but couldn't get my husband to watch it. He feels too threatened about anything Dr. Phil has to say. It sounds like you have a very demanding wife. While I love my husband very much, I have felt over the years that he feels like a wife is a mother he can have sex with and that's about it. He has never understood the concept of different currencies in a marriage. I would suggest that you take Dr. Phil's advice and be the man outlined by his two shows and see if your wife responds. Dr. Phil's theory of reciprocity doesn't work with everyone, I know. She may not respond positively but the only person you can control is yourself. Good luck.
wareaglegirl
Posted by: gthomas
Posted on: 2004-01-20 23:14:45
Dear Allinall: Dr. Phil said at the end of today's show that he will do shows on the role of the woman in the marriage. As a married woman of almost 30 years, I'm looking forward to those shows. I'm impressed that you watched Dr. Phil's shows on the role of men in a marriage. I taped the first one but couldn't get my husband to watch it. He feels too threatened about anything Dr. Phil has to say. It sounds like you have a very demanding wife. While I love my husband very much, I have felt over the years that he feels like a wife is a mother he can have sex with and that's about it. He has never understood the concept of different currencies in a marriage. I would suggest that you take Dr. Phil's advice and be the man outlined by his two shows and see if your wife responds. Dr. Phil's theory of reciprocity doesn't work with everyone, I know. She may not respond positively but the only person you can control is yourself. Good luck.
wareaglegirl
yep, you missed it
Posted by: anhedonia
Posted on: 2004-01-21 13:18:08
I'm sure Dr. Phil WILL do a show on what the role of the woman is. However, it's NOT about always "serving" HER, it's TRULY about YOURSELF, whether male or female and the DESIRE to be a BETTER person with BETTER judgements and yourself being the BEST you can be for the things in life you aspire to achieve or have and the "legacy" you want to leave behind for those you love which truly depicts your character in the eyes of others. Otherwise, what do you think you are here for?? We are NOT here to do just "good enough" -- We are here to be the BEST we can be at all things. I believe we all have the potential to be the BEST but we must first have the desire to be because without real desire to be, we won't have the WILL it takes to do it or even try to do it!!
However, the "boot camp" idea is a good one!!!LOL Find the guidance and definition you're looking for in the scriptures. That's my advice. Marriage is truly not one-sided!!
Posted by: anhedonia
Posted on: 2004-01-21 13:18:08
I'm sure Dr. Phil WILL do a show on what the role of the woman is. However, it's NOT about always "serving" HER, it's TRULY about YOURSELF, whether male or female and the DESIRE to be a BETTER person with BETTER judgements and yourself being the BEST you can be for the things in life you aspire to achieve or have and the "legacy" you want to leave behind for those you love which truly depicts your character in the eyes of others. Otherwise, what do you think you are here for?? We are NOT here to do just "good enough" -- We are here to be the BEST we can be at all things. I believe we all have the potential to be the BEST but we must first have the desire to be because without real desire to be, we won't have the WILL it takes to do it or even try to do it!!
However, the "boot camp" idea is a good one!!!LOL Find the guidance and definition you're looking for in the scriptures. That's my advice. Marriage is truly not one-sided!!
I am a woman...
Posted by: rettadub
Posted on: 2004-01-24 10:20:47
who can understand your point of view. I was very controling many years of my marriage. I see that control in most women who say they want their husbands to "step up to the plate" and be the man, yet they won't give him the space to learn to do that. I think if the woman will work on her own issues and RESPECT her husband...it will go a long way toward motivating him to become what is needed for a good home. Selfishness is a key issue in both sides and it "ain't workin!"
Posted by: rettadub
Posted on: 2004-01-24 10:20:47
who can understand your point of view. I was very controling many years of my marriage. I see that control in most women who say they want their husbands to "step up to the plate" and be the man, yet they won't give him the space to learn to do that. I think if the woman will work on her own issues and RESPECT her husband...it will go a long way toward motivating him to become what is needed for a good home. Selfishness is a key issue in both sides and it "ain't workin!"
I know what you are saying
Posted by: inkyboo48
Posted on: 2004-01-30 07:39:02
I was much like your description of your wife when I was younger. I didn't understand how hard my husband worked everyday, I also didn't appreciate his ability to take the time to play with our children everyday even if he was exausted when he got home. He has provided me with so much and I now appreciate him for the wonderful giving man he is. I think when you are young you get overwhelmed caring for small children and don't realize how fast they grow up and you have more time for yourself, but also long for the past when your babies were so cute and loving. I guess it is just a matter of maturation. Try to talk with her about these feelings if you can.
Posted by: inkyboo48
Posted on: 2004-01-30 07:39:02
I was much like your description of your wife when I was younger. I didn't understand how hard my husband worked everyday, I also didn't appreciate his ability to take the time to play with our children everyday even if he was exausted when he got home. He has provided me with so much and I now appreciate him for the wonderful giving man he is. I think when you are young you get overwhelmed caring for small children and don't realize how fast they grow up and you have more time for yourself, but also long for the past when your babies were so cute and loving. I guess it is just a matter of maturation. Try to talk with her about these feelings if you can.
