07/14 Kids Ask
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Posted by: reepslady
Posted on: 2004-04-13 08:13:20
How many times have we all been in a mall, and seen a child throwing a tantrum and fighting with their parent? So many times we look away, but do we really know that IS that child's parent? I have taught my kids from day one that if they were ever grabbed they are to make it known as loudly as they can that the person grabbing them is NOT their parent, so that bystanders will not make assumptions that they are just having a tantrum as my child was kidnapped. I think it is so important for kids to know this, in todays day and age, when there are so many times we see tantrums and do not know if the child needs help or not. I have been accused many times of being over-protective with my kids (the words lioness protecting her cubs has been used) but I would much rather be safe than sorry, and sometimes I find myself saying to my kids that I am sorry if they feel I am too protective, but I would rather have them safe then gone from too much freedom. My kids are great about it, and we can usually find a compromise, but safety is an issue that I don't back TOO far down from.
Posted by: reepslady
Posted on: 2004-04-13 08:13:20
How many times have we all been in a mall, and seen a child throwing a tantrum and fighting with their parent? So many times we look away, but do we really know that IS that child's parent? I have taught my kids from day one that if they were ever grabbed they are to make it known as loudly as they can that the person grabbing them is NOT their parent, so that bystanders will not make assumptions that they are just having a tantrum as my child was kidnapped. I think it is so important for kids to know this, in todays day and age, when there are so many times we see tantrums and do not know if the child needs help or not. I have been accused many times of being over-protective with my kids (the words lioness protecting her cubs has been used) but I would much rather be safe than sorry, and sometimes I find myself saying to my kids that I am sorry if they feel I am too protective, but I would rather have them safe then gone from too much freedom. My kids are great about it, and we can usually find a compromise, but safety is an issue that I don't back TOO far down from.
Thank you Reepslady
Posted by: momisme2
Posted on: 2004-04-13 09:06:33
I never thought of that! That part never crossed my mind! Was this advice from the show or your own? It hasnt come on for me yet but either way after reading that I had to thank you for posting it.
THANK YOU!
Posted by: momisme2
Posted on: 2004-04-13 09:06:33
I never thought of that! That part never crossed my mind! Was this advice from the show or your own? It hasnt come on for me yet but either way after reading that I had to thank you for posting it.
THANK YOU!
very welcome
Posted by: reepslady
Posted on: 2004-04-13 09:51:49
I got this from my oldest boy when I first started trying to teach them about safety in crowded places. He was four and we saw a younger child struggling with someone and he asked if we should help. I told him I thought the child was just struggling with their parent, and he asked me how I knew it was his parent. I realized I didn't, until the child yelled "Mom let go!" and it dawned on me how many times we see that. I knew that if that child had said it was not his parent all the people walking by would react and so I taught them this from that day on.
Posted by: reepslady
Posted on: 2004-04-13 09:51:49
I got this from my oldest boy when I first started trying to teach them about safety in crowded places. He was four and we saw a younger child struggling with someone and he asked if we should help. I told him I thought the child was just struggling with their parent, and he asked me how I knew it was his parent. I realized I didn't, until the child yelled "Mom let go!" and it dawned on me how many times we see that. I knew that if that child had said it was not his parent all the people walking by would react and so I taught them this from that day on.
Posted by: deej28
Posted on: 2004-04-13 15:49:37
How many of us would be quicker to pay attention to a child yelling "Help, call the police,you're not my Mom or Dad!" Please encourage your children to plainly yell this out to bring approriate attention to a possible kidnapping, rather than possibly just another difficult child acting up in a store.
more tips
Posted by: squirrgel
Posted on: 2004-04-19 16:00:55
It is also a good idea to have them DROP to their knees and SCREAM " You're not my Mommy You're not my Daddy!" and Keep screaming and pulling away. The key is to draw as much attention as possible! Hopefully is they are loud enough the stranger will let go. It is also important to practice... ask your child "What would you do if someone you did not know grabbed you?" Like this and then take their arm.. Make them show you and they remember and can do it! It might save their life.
Posted by: squirrgel
Posted on: 2004-04-19 16:00:55
It is also a good idea to have them DROP to their knees and SCREAM " You're not my Mommy You're not my Daddy!" and Keep screaming and pulling away. The key is to draw as much attention as possible! Hopefully is they are loud enough the stranger will let go. It is also important to practice... ask your child "What would you do if someone you did not know grabbed you?" Like this and then take their arm.. Make them show you and they remember and can do it! It might save their life.
great point
Posted by: paris38
Posted on: 2004-04-13 16:28:28
This is a wonderful point you have brought up. My husband and I were leaving a shopping center because our child had started to act out. Our child was maybe 4 yrs old at the time. Our daughter knew we were taking her home for acting out. she decided to struggle with her dad she let out and scream something that she normally did not do. A lady walked up to us and looked directly at our daughter and asked her if we were her parents. She looked at the lady and said yes. The lady apologized to us she just wanted to make sure. We thanked her I never forgot what a valuable lesson that lady taught us that day.
Posted by: paris38
Posted on: 2004-04-13 16:28:28
This is a wonderful point you have brought up. My husband and I were leaving a shopping center because our child had started to act out. Our child was maybe 4 yrs old at the time. Our daughter knew we were taking her home for acting out. she decided to struggle with her dad she let out and scream something that she normally did not do. A lady walked up to us and looked directly at our daughter and asked her if we were her parents. She looked at the lady and said yes. The lady apologized to us she just wanted to make sure. We thanked her I never forgot what a valuable lesson that lady taught us that day.
protective parenting
Posted by: mama969802
Posted on: 2004-04-13 16:55:28
I also read several years ago a suggestion to carry with you a family photo, one that includes all members of the family, in your wallet with your other photos. That way if it's a security guard or police officer who sees your struggling, screaming child, you have almost proof positive that it really is your kid.
Posted by: mama969802
Posted on: 2004-04-13 16:55:28
I also read several years ago a suggestion to carry with you a family photo, one that includes all members of the family, in your wallet with your other photos. That way if it's a security guard or police officer who sees your struggling, screaming child, you have almost proof positive that it really is your kid.
kids and malls
Posted by: abovthmood
Posted on: 2004-07-22 12:29:50
I hate to sound like a wet blanket but malls today are not a good place to drop off kids when parents want to do other things. First of all with terrorism, we recently had a mall scare in Dayton. Security guards, or as many call them "Rent a cops" are not especially trained to react with kidnappings, and as they are not armed, they also may not have powers of arrest.
Also, the idea of a child carrying a family picture is not good either. If the child is kidnapped, now the kidnapper can see everyone's picture, including other siblings and if it is in front of your house... It puts everyone at risk, as does wearing clothing with a child's name on it or carrying books or other things with a name on it. Kidnappers can see this, call the child's name, and this decreases the child's defenses to a stranger's repertoire of trying to talk a child into captivity.
If you see a child throwing a fit in a store, though, it is a good point that we think this may be an attempted abduction, or a parent who is not properly interacting with their child. Tantrums are usually borne out of frustration on the child's part and if they are throwing the tantrum in public, they probably are not ready to be in public. Parenting 101--get the child used to hearing the word no, but not every waking moment of the day.
If you do drop a child off at a mall for a movie, arrange for the child to go with a friend. Have them take a cell phone. Know what time a movie lets out, and agree in advance on a time and a meeting spot.
Don't bury your heads in the sand. Ignorance can kill you and so can misplaced trust.
Your kids may not like you for it, but strike a rule like I did. Tell me where you are going, and how long you will be there. If you don't, first offense is grounding for a week, subsequent offenses are more severe. But remind the child that the punishment is not for punishment sake...it is to tech personal awareness and autonomy.
Parenting is not about control... It is about teaching your child to become a safe and responsible adult.
Posted by: abovthmood
Posted on: 2004-07-22 12:29:50
I hate to sound like a wet blanket but malls today are not a good place to drop off kids when parents want to do other things. First of all with terrorism, we recently had a mall scare in Dayton. Security guards, or as many call them "Rent a cops" are not especially trained to react with kidnappings, and as they are not armed, they also may not have powers of arrest.
Also, the idea of a child carrying a family picture is not good either. If the child is kidnapped, now the kidnapper can see everyone's picture, including other siblings and if it is in front of your house... It puts everyone at risk, as does wearing clothing with a child's name on it or carrying books or other things with a name on it. Kidnappers can see this, call the child's name, and this decreases the child's defenses to a stranger's repertoire of trying to talk a child into captivity.
If you see a child throwing a fit in a store, though, it is a good point that we think this may be an attempted abduction, or a parent who is not properly interacting with their child. Tantrums are usually borne out of frustration on the child's part and if they are throwing the tantrum in public, they probably are not ready to be in public. Parenting 101--get the child used to hearing the word no, but not every waking moment of the day.
If you do drop a child off at a mall for a movie, arrange for the child to go with a friend. Have them take a cell phone. Know what time a movie lets out, and agree in advance on a time and a meeting spot.
Don't bury your heads in the sand. Ignorance can kill you and so can misplaced trust.
Your kids may not like you for it, but strike a rule like I did. Tell me where you are going, and how long you will be there. If you don't, first offense is grounding for a week, subsequent offenses are more severe. But remind the child that the punishment is not for punishment sake...it is to tech personal awareness and autonomy.
Parenting is not about control... It is about teaching your child to become a safe and responsible adult.
Better safe than sorry
Posted by: wooleylamb
Posted on: 2004-04-16 16:46:13
Wow. Your letter release a floodgate of memories for me. About 10 years ago I was driving my kids to school one morning & I witnessed an adult male pull his car over to the curb, get out & confront a 16 year old boy who was walking to school. He yelled at the boy, then pushed him backwards into a chain link fence. The boy had a poker face throughout this event. I told my kids I was going to pull over to help & they said the man was the boy's father & they "wrestled" like that all the time. I didn't have a cell phone, so I intended to notify the authorities at the school, but I was late for work & frankly the episode slipped my mind. I've always felt bad that I didn't do something. I can't go back in time & change anything, but I still chastise myself over it. Fortunately, nothing ever came of that confrontation. But I am disappointed in myself. I could have done better. I need to forgive myself & I wish I could ask that boy for his forgiveness too, but we've moved & I don't know his name or address.
Posted by: wooleylamb
Posted on: 2004-04-16 16:46:13
Wow. Your letter release a floodgate of memories for me. About 10 years ago I was driving my kids to school one morning & I witnessed an adult male pull his car over to the curb, get out & confront a 16 year old boy who was walking to school. He yelled at the boy, then pushed him backwards into a chain link fence. The boy had a poker face throughout this event. I told my kids I was going to pull over to help & they said the man was the boy's father & they "wrestled" like that all the time. I didn't have a cell phone, so I intended to notify the authorities at the school, but I was late for work & frankly the episode slipped my mind. I've always felt bad that I didn't do something. I can't go back in time & change anything, but I still chastise myself over it. Fortunately, nothing ever came of that confrontation. But I am disappointed in myself. I could have done better. I need to forgive myself & I wish I could ask that boy for his forgiveness too, but we've moved & I don't know his name or address.
Protective Parenting
Posted by: so7happy
Posted on: 2004-04-13 12:24:37
I, too, am an overprotective parent. But in recent discussions with other Moms, I am beginning to wonder if there is another way. If we protect them and drive them everywhere, what happens when they turn 18 and go off to college? Who will protect them then? At some point the onus will be on them to protect themselves. Shouldn't we, as parents, teach them how? Dr. Phil, can you give us some ideas on how to do this? I have started having my daughter do things in a protected environment (when Mom and Dad are there). Example, calling to order pizza while at home. Asking the saleslady for assistance when shopping. I am not sure what to do from here. Any suggestions?
Posted by: so7happy
Posted on: 2004-04-13 12:24:37
I, too, am an overprotective parent. But in recent discussions with other Moms, I am beginning to wonder if there is another way. If we protect them and drive them everywhere, what happens when they turn 18 and go off to college? Who will protect them then? At some point the onus will be on them to protect themselves. Shouldn't we, as parents, teach them how? Dr. Phil, can you give us some ideas on how to do this? I have started having my daughter do things in a protected environment (when Mom and Dad are there). Example, calling to order pizza while at home. Asking the saleslady for assistance when shopping. I am not sure what to do from here. Any suggestions?
Protective Parent
Posted by: patience12
Posted on: 2004-04-13 16:40:09
I think you are wise, not overprotective. Giving them freedoms a little at a time is the sensible way to go. Personally, I think leaving a child alone at the mall is one of the most dangerous things you can do. I recommend starting with letting your children skate at the rink while you read in the snack bar. After they have handled that, they could do an afternoon skate with their friends. Also, letting them see a matinee while you see the movie the next screen over is a good step to letting them see a matinee alone, and finally an evening show. Letting them go to one department of a store, while you are in another (close enough to hear a scream) is a logical predeccesor to shopping alone. When the time comes to let them walk around the mall with a friend, do it in the morning, while you go to other stores. You can let them have lunch at the Food Court with their friend, before meeting them. The number one rule to drill into teens heads is to never leave the mall/rink/movies to walk the parking lot. Never never never! The only reason other kids go there is to do things they are not allowed to do.
Posted by: patience12
Posted on: 2004-04-13 16:40:09
I think you are wise, not overprotective. Giving them freedoms a little at a time is the sensible way to go. Personally, I think leaving a child alone at the mall is one of the most dangerous things you can do. I recommend starting with letting your children skate at the rink while you read in the snack bar. After they have handled that, they could do an afternoon skate with their friends. Also, letting them see a matinee while you see the movie the next screen over is a good step to letting them see a matinee alone, and finally an evening show. Letting them go to one department of a store, while you are in another (close enough to hear a scream) is a logical predeccesor to shopping alone. When the time comes to let them walk around the mall with a friend, do it in the morning, while you go to other stores. You can let them have lunch at the Food Court with their friend, before meeting them. The number one rule to drill into teens heads is to never leave the mall/rink/movies to walk the parking lot. Never never never! The only reason other kids go there is to do things they are not allowed to do.
I Agree
Posted by: ginger9211
Posted on: 2004-04-13 17:37:47
You have some great ideas. I hope everyone has a chance to read your post.
Unfortunately, some years ago I had a student whose sister was abducted from the parking lot of a local mall. Her body was found a few days later quite some distance away on a deserted dirt road. One thing I have stressed to my students when such a subject has come up is don't ever, ever get into a car even if a weapon is used. Someone at the mall may hear and come to your aid, but who can hear you on a deserted road? Thanks for your post!
Posted by: ginger9211
Posted on: 2004-04-13 17:37:47
You have some great ideas. I hope everyone has a chance to read your post.
Unfortunately, some years ago I had a student whose sister was abducted from the parking lot of a local mall. Her body was found a few days later quite some distance away on a deserted dirt road. One thing I have stressed to my students when such a subject has come up is don't ever, ever get into a car even if a weapon is used. Someone at the mall may hear and come to your aid, but who can hear you on a deserted road? Thanks for your post!
Protective Parent
Posted by: so7happy
Posted on: 2004-04-15 08:17:31
You have allot of good suggestions - thank you!
Posted by: so7happy
Posted on: 2004-04-15 08:17:31
You have allot of good suggestions - thank you!
NO WORRIES!
Posted by: drumgal
Posted on: 2004-04-13 17:05:04
Dear Protective:You aren't protective! I am only 15 years old and i have only been to the movies without my mom 2 times...EVER...i have never been to the mall alone or anything like that. My mother is gradually giving me freedom like movies on occasion with friends, but she makes sure what time i go in, come out, what i see, and that i don't go get a drink or go to the bathroom alone. Most friends are dating, but i am not aloud to until i get my license in a year and a half. I have been asked to prom this year, and fortunately she's letting me go, but i must be with a group at all times. See...you're not overprotective. I agree with what you and my mom are doing, though it took much time, and many long conversations. You're doing a great job, and i'm sure what you're teaching your children will make them responsible enough to take good care of themselves when they go off to college.
Posted by: drumgal
Posted on: 2004-04-13 17:05:04
Dear Protective:You aren't protective! I am only 15 years old and i have only been to the movies without my mom 2 times...EVER...i have never been to the mall alone or anything like that. My mother is gradually giving me freedom like movies on occasion with friends, but she makes sure what time i go in, come out, what i see, and that i don't go get a drink or go to the bathroom alone. Most friends are dating, but i am not aloud to until i get my license in a year and a half. I have been asked to prom this year, and fortunately she's letting me go, but i must be with a group at all times. See...you're not overprotective. I agree with what you and my mom are doing, though it took much time, and many long conversations. You're doing a great job, and i'm sure what you're teaching your children will make them responsible enough to take good care of themselves when they go off to college.
to drumgal from Ashlee's mom
Posted by: mettat
Posted on: 2004-04-14 23:20:11
Thank you. I let Ashlee read your post because all of her friends parents drop them off at the malls and movies and other places. I agree with your mother also it is just not safe out there for you girls. It makes me feel good to hear what you have said since you are only 15. Your mother is raising a wise girl.
Posted by: mettat
Posted on: 2004-04-14 23:20:11
Thank you. I let Ashlee read your post because all of her friends parents drop them off at the malls and movies and other places. I agree with your mother also it is just not safe out there for you girls. It makes me feel good to hear what you have said since you are only 15. Your mother is raising a wise girl.
protective
Posted by: chellyclow
Posted on: 2004-04-15 21:26:31
You're not being over protective. Your daughter is young and you care for her well being the way any good mother would. I'm 27 years old and married and my mom still tells me that I shouldn't go to the store at night unless I absolutly have to because its more dangerous at night, and that I should be aware of my surroundings at all times. And even though I hate to admit it, she's right. Even bad things can happen to someone my age if I'm not careful, not to mention a 12 year old.
Posted by: chellyclow
Posted on: 2004-04-15 21:26:31
You're not being over protective. Your daughter is young and you care for her well being the way any good mother would. I'm 27 years old and married and my mom still tells me that I shouldn't go to the store at night unless I absolutly have to because its more dangerous at night, and that I should be aware of my surroundings at all times. And even though I hate to admit it, she's right. Even bad things can happen to someone my age if I'm not careful, not to mention a 12 year old.
protective parenting
Posted by: echo_sjr
Posted on: 2004-04-14 21:02:00
I also had protective parents growing up. Even in highschool, I was driven to and picked up from almost all my activities, and I went in large groups to the rest of them. My parents always knew where I was, what I was doing, and whom I was with. I have been away in college for four years now, and I actually found the transition easier than most because my parents showed me how to protect myself by using the same rules I had at home (use a walk-home service, make sure someone knows where you are going if you're out, etc), rather than letting me make my own mistakes, which is far more dangerous for a single girl on a college campus in an unknown city. I can't thank my parents enough for being "overprotective."
Posted by: echo_sjr
Posted on: 2004-04-14 21:02:00
I also had protective parents growing up. Even in highschool, I was driven to and picked up from almost all my activities, and I went in large groups to the rest of them. My parents always knew where I was, what I was doing, and whom I was with. I have been away in college for four years now, and I actually found the transition easier than most because my parents showed me how to protect myself by using the same rules I had at home (use a walk-home service, make sure someone knows where you are going if you're out, etc), rather than letting me make my own mistakes, which is far more dangerous for a single girl on a college campus in an unknown city. I can't thank my parents enough for being "overprotective."
echo_sjr Protective Parenting
Posted by: snodinn
Posted on: 2004-04-15 13:36:46
I think there is a monster being created here! LOL I have work to do and here I sit discussing! Oh well Dr. Phil will just have to do a show on message board addicts as it looks like I could become one. Now back on topic. My half sister told me that she was in a room with 5 female friends and everyone of them had been molested when they were children. She was the only one who could say she hadn't been molested out of six women. Wow! Not very good odds that a young women won't be molested are there? The reason she gave for not having been molested was her mother knew where they were all of the time. And there were no sleep overs at friends, and all relatives were not acceptable places to sleep either. It is just hard to find a balance between giving your child confidence with common sense. Certainly we don't want a society where everyone is timid and afraid.
Posted by: snodinn
Posted on: 2004-04-15 13:36:46
I think there is a monster being created here! LOL I have work to do and here I sit discussing! Oh well Dr. Phil will just have to do a show on message board addicts as it looks like I could become one. Now back on topic. My half sister told me that she was in a room with 5 female friends and everyone of them had been molested when they were children. She was the only one who could say she hadn't been molested out of six women. Wow! Not very good odds that a young women won't be molested are there? The reason she gave for not having been molested was her mother knew where they were all of the time. And there were no sleep overs at friends, and all relatives were not acceptable places to sleep either. It is just hard to find a balance between giving your child confidence with common sense. Certainly we don't want a society where everyone is timid and afraid.
Reply to Protective Parenting
Posted by: snodinn
Posted on: 2004-04-15 09:00:08
With my children I wasn't protective enough and some of the situations they got into were pretty scary. I knew that children were capable of much more then what most people believed they were, but did carry my trust in their abilities a bit far. Being unprotective in my case had more to do with my more adventureous child getting lost in the bush or having problems with wild animals. All in all I would chose those problems over what the average city dweller is dealing with. What is very important is to nuture confidence in your child as it generally isn't the confident children that get picked for abduction. Teach them respect for those who deserve their respect, and to know that just because someone is an adult doesn't mean they deserve respect. I was taught to respect my elders without reservation, and even then, although not as dangerous as today, not all elders deserved my respect.
Posted by: snodinn
Posted on: 2004-04-15 09:00:08
With my children I wasn't protective enough and some of the situations they got into were pretty scary. I knew that children were capable of much more then what most people believed they were, but did carry my trust in their abilities a bit far. Being unprotective in my case had more to do with my more adventureous child getting lost in the bush or having problems with wild animals. All in all I would chose those problems over what the average city dweller is dealing with. What is very important is to nuture confidence in your child as it generally isn't the confident children that get picked for abduction. Teach them respect for those who deserve their respect, and to know that just because someone is an adult doesn't mean they deserve respect. I was taught to respect my elders without reservation, and even then, although not as dangerous as today, not all elders deserved my respect.
Reply to Protective Parenting
Posted by: snodinn
Posted on: 2004-04-15 10:41:08
With my children I wasn't protective enough and some of the situations they got into were pretty scary. I knew that children were capable of much more then what most people believed they were, but did carry my trust in their abilities a bit far. Being unprotective in my case had more to do with my more adventureous child getting lost in the bush or having problems with wild animals. All in all I would chose those problems over what the average city dweller is dealing with. What is very important is to nuture confidence in your child as it generally isn't the confident children that get picked for abduction. Teach them respect for those who deserve their respect, and to know that just because someone is an adult doesn't mean they deserve respect. I was taught to respect my elders without reservation, and even then, although not as dangerous as today, not all elders deserved my respect.
Posted by: snodinn
Posted on: 2004-04-15 10:41:08
With my children I wasn't protective enough and some of the situations they got into were pretty scary. I knew that children were capable of much more then what most people believed they were, but did carry my trust in their abilities a bit far. Being unprotective in my case had more to do with my more adventureous child getting lost in the bush or having problems with wild animals. All in all I would chose those problems over what the average city dweller is dealing with. What is very important is to nuture confidence in your child as it generally isn't the confident children that get picked for abduction. Teach them respect for those who deserve their respect, and to know that just because someone is an adult doesn't mean they deserve respect. I was taught to respect my elders without reservation, and even then, although not as dangerous as today, not all elders deserved my respect.
