07/09 Anatomy of a Divorce, Part 1

ANATOMY OF MONSTERS
Posted by: knowitsome
Posted on: 2004-05-12 09:04:01

I am watching anatomy of a divorce. I am so discusted at these two people. They bicker and lie. They are horrible and discusting.
There are three sides to every story, His, hers, AND THE TRUTH. The truth is that she is completely aggressive and in complete denial about what she is doing. I Wonder as I watch her, if she is mentally ill. He is playing passive-aggressive. Noone can tell what the truth is from what has been said.

I was 13 when my parents divorced. It was somewhat bitter and I ended up being used as pawn, a spy, and a weapon by both of my parents. What I went through did serious damage to me. I spent alot of my teen years considering suicide because of the damage from my parents' divorce.

My situation PALES in comparison to these two people. They don't have a clue what they are doing to their children because of THEIR GREED. They are so inconsiderate to their children. They make me wonder if either of them care about their childrens' best interest.

If they continue with this rediculuos battle, neither of them will win and they may very well set about the distruction of their children.

YOU HAVE TO STOP THE MADNESS. If you don't your kids WILL PAY THE PRICE FOR YOUR BATTLE.
Mediators and Counselling is Needed
Posted by: so7happy
Posted on: 2004-05-12 09:31:12

Having worked in a law office specializing in divorce for 10 years, I agree divorce is a terrible and complex thing. Very seldom have I seem an amicable divorce. Emotions run high and it brings out the ugly in people. It is not about the "material things" it is about trying to hurt one another emotionally. Unfortunately, the parents often use the children as pawns. They use everything as pawns (nothing is off limits) including the tupperware and lawn mower. The parents are not in the right frame of mind. Counselling should be mandatory. I know where we praticed, a mediator was often used prior to going to see lawyers. That way all details were worked out and the lawyers were left with legalizing the divorce. Mediators were trained counsellors specializing in divorces. Couples got counselling as well. They got rules on how to deal with one another. It made a huge difference in some cases. People are trying to help the children but I think the biggest thing we can do is to try and prevent the divorces from happening in the first place. That is a whole other show.
Lock 'em away for awhile
Posted by: nativetex
Posted on: 2004-05-12 10:57:46

so7happy- You are right about councelling and mediators being mandatory in a divorce.
Personally, I think couples should be quarantined, locked away for a spell to fight their battle, 'cause a form of insanity takes over once the divorce is put into motion and rational thinking disappears
and you have two crazy people infecting everybody around them, especially their kids. These previously rather normal people just don't see the distruction
that is taking place. I know it's too much to ask for, but hey, it would work. And kids and friends and co-workers and the lady at the check out won't get caught in the crossfire.
aztexan: please read:
Posted by: sobkowski
Posted on: 2004-05-12 23:55:12

I don't know about letting them fight it out, I think they've done enough fighting to last a life time! But you have a very good point about everything else! I agree.
THEY'RE BEING PETTY
Posted by: stephanni
Posted on: 2004-06-04 18:17:29

OK first what is up with the both of them acting so innocent? They are in a divorce for crying out loud and the divorce fairy didnt get them there. And why so petty? Fighting for dishes? Mowers? C'MON! Look at the house- I think they could afford a new mower! As for the sport table- why should the dad get it if it was purchased for the kids, shouldnt that be where the kids perminately reside? Is no one looking out for the kids here? I mean If I were them Id want to make this as quick and painless as possible for the childrens sake expecially. And they pretend that they want whats best for the children, but yet they are pulling and dragging them through this whole ordeal making it a much bigger thing than it needs to be. And as for his lawyer-bravo I dont think there is a more aggressive woman! What does she think this is ... the sharks tank? You dont have to draw blood lady-its a legal battle not a physical. And whats up with the reply that these two are hard to deal with from the lawyers point of veiw? The only opinion they should have is whether they are getting paid enough or not.. if the couple is so hard to work with then dont work with them.
Counseling Absolutely!
Posted by: donnybaby
Posted on: 2004-05-12 17:11:31

It's clear (at least to me) that these two are only acting out their unresolved childhood wounds. Both are angry and hurt. They're what mental health professionals refer to as "hurts waiting to happen." They're badly in need of counseling. I wish them well. Peace and love, Donny
Yes, indeed!
Posted by: mp_aus
Posted on: 2004-07-10 23:00:09

DAVIDs thoughts.....I've made the same comment in a response to another posting. The problems here come from within. Both have inadequacies that they have failed to address. When a man says that his wife "made-him-do-something" or had some kind of unavoidable influence, then the lights need to come on! I have yet to see any real reason for this couple to divorce. Forgiveness will be hard for both but is still better than the alternative.
I agree!!
Posted by: sadinpa04
Posted on: 2004-05-13 11:19:50

I agree with your counselling advice 100%. My husband and I are near the end of finalizing our divorce. We have a 2 year old daughter who seems to have been lost in the shuffle as far as he is concerned. Everything was about what he could take away from me, and more importantly how much money he could get out of it. The only thing important to me was my daughter. I told him he could have everything - cash, cars, house, but I wanted my daughter every day, with him having visitation rights. Big mistake on my part, letting him know what I wanted. We have been fighting, the lawyers have been fighting. Right now we have a 50-50 custody arrangement. I need my daughter with me more. What should I do? On another note, while I agree with the mediator idea, we tried that shortly after our separation, and it was totally useless. My husband went in there to bad mouth me while I tried to remain calm. Counselling should be mandatory.
For sadinpa04
Posted by: nativetex
Posted on: 2004-05-13 14:07:50

We are here today because our ancestors fought in order to survive. Fought for that last crumb to keep from starving. Those that didn't fight, extinct. So there is some level of aggression in all of us. When you enter into divorce, your heart, your soul, your pride, your dignity, all these "things"
have now been taken from you by someone you trusted at THE ultimate level. Your inner being is just famished at this point. That last crumb away from starvation is now a stained set of tupperware or the freezer in the garage. You win one of these prizes, you've acquired some morsal of your dignity.
A thousand dollars later in legal fees, you're elated holding your $39 set of plastic leftover containers. You've won THIS one, by gollie!
Loosen the reigns on your daughter. I know she's more valuable than some plastic bowl, but she will be reduced to such if you don't step back and take her off the auction
block. Agree to share her, for her sake, not yours. He is still her father. You may need her more now, but this is about your daughter's needs. You're going to have to be strong on this one. Please, for her. I wish you luck. Hang in there. Take care.
AZTEXAN... WOW!
Posted by: lil_horses
Posted on: 2004-05-14 08:34:21

What a beautifully written, thoughtful post. It reminds me to hold on loosely, but not let go. Your advice is just amazing - especially the part about it not being about what we need, but what our kids need. Although we get a lot of love FROM our kids, it is sometimes easy to forget that our job is to GIVE love TO our kids. And she sounds like an AWESOME mother. Your point is probably going to be very helpful to her as she seems to be someone who pretty much "gets it". Thank you.

I am lucky in that both my divorces were truly amicable, I am thoughtfully remarried and now understand the death do us part section of my vows . And am blessed that my exes and my husbands exes and the kids all eat at the same table on Thanksgiving and Christmas. My exes second wife was even my maid of honor at our wedding, and is a great co-parent ally to my daughter. And the kids are pretty proud of us all. That sure is icing on the cake.

Thanks again for your amazing insight, and incredibly articulate post. You are one of those master communicators! Amen. We need you! .

Lisa
that's wonderful
Posted by: bedycus
Posted on: 2004-05-14 11:10:37

That is amazing that everyone is able to get along and be a family. That is wonderful! I wish that my family and my husband's ex could be that way as well. We have tried for years to get along but it takes everyone being willing to try. My step-children are being hurt by the hurtful words and mean comments by their mom and it breaks my heart. They are amazing children and deserve the right to love both parents w/out having to defend their feelings. I have always been so proud of my husband for not talking bad about their mother even though it is very hard when he hears the kind of things she tells the kids about him. (He says the kids probably think he is a "wimp" because he won't defend himself or lash back w/ something hurtful, but I think that makes him a wonderful father and man!) He has always said that his ex is only hurting herself and the kids will understand when they are older...and that is already happening. They realize what is true and what is not. It is a shame that more families can't put the needs of the children first and foremost and raise them to love both parents.
Amen to this
Posted by: chancer99
Posted on: 2004-05-18 08:37:40

As an adult of divorced parents I can relate to this very well. My parents divorced 40 years ago and they still bad mouth one another. I do not see the point in it. They do not consider the damage it does to the children and the children are the ones being hurt as most of the time the other parent doesn't even hear what is said, just the children. My boyfriend bad mouths his childrens mother all the time when they are around and I constantly tell him that is wrong. He says he tries not too, but that she gets to him. Why can't he just blow it off and enjoy his children? He thinks they are blind to what kind of person she is, they live with her so they do know, it just doesn't stop them from loving her. All divorced parents need to read these messages and WAKE UP!
Good job
Posted by: lil_horses
Posted on: 2004-05-18 11:30:26

You guys are setting a great example tho, and boy will they remember it. Even if it isn't all smooth sailing, it is amazing how kids remember what the high road looks like when they have had it modeled for them! Way to go!
For lil horse
Posted by: nativetex
Posted on: 2004-05-14 13:16:25

Perhaps when Dr. Phil gets through with this
messy example of a divorce being aired for our entertainment, he can contact you and yours and show America that it doesn't have to be so bad! It was not luck that guided you thru two amicable divorces. It was YOU, and your exes, and both parties dedication to proceed with dignity and a vision of what CAN be once the storm has lifted. I thank you for your kind compliment, but it is I who wish to thank you, for sharing a wonderful story. When you wrote "the kids are pretty proud of us all", you hit the Lotto.
Icing doesn't get much smoother or sweeter
than that. Continued happiness, lil horse.
And thanks again. Take care.
U made my day AZ
Posted by: lil_horses
Posted on: 2004-05-18 11:30:29

You have no idea how you made my day!

Lisa
Rage at Passive Aggression
Posted by: elizalex
Posted on: 2004-05-14 15:42:39

I think Amy is very petty and materialistic, and into denial about her behavior. However, I know what kind of rage can develop living with a passive aggressive man. The book, "Living with The Passive Aggressive Man" really opened my eyes to why I had so much anger. Passive aggressive men always do everything they can to piss off their spouses, then they play the helpless good guy victim when their spouses finally blow or retaliate. They will always set you up to look like the bad guy. I knew within the first ten minutes thats what they were dealing with in this marriage.
COMORBID PERSONALITY DISORDERS
Posted by: anon_slc
Posted on: 2004-05-14 20:49:46

Passive-Aggressive and Narcissistic Personality Disorders have many of the same behaviors and are considered related.

Anyone interested in learning more about Passive-Aggressive behaviors may also benefit from learning about the Narcissist.
Elizalex and Anon slc
Posted by: nativetex
Posted on: 2004-05-14 22:02:54

Thanks to both of you for info on these two disorders. I just read an eye-opening book by Sandy Hotchkiss called "Why Is It Always About You?" Yep. The narcissist. Awesome. All it takes is just the slightest insecurity in oneself, and these two disorders can run one ragged for years if you're not aware of them. You spend years thinking you're the one at fault. But you can't find a solution! Gosh I wish someone had kicked me in the shin and said hey, there's a name for what he's doing to you!
Amy, sadly is in that survival zone. She's been kicked into the shaft and she's grabbing what ever she can in her descent, and she's doing a really bad job of it, she's making all the foolish moves. She's trying to justify EVERYTHING with this jerk and she's just looking bad. Next weeks' previews don't look promising for her at all. But when you're involved with one fo these guys,
living by rules just ain't possible! As wrong as her behavior is, sadly, I completely understand it, thou it's not at all justified! This one isn't gonna be pretty. Thanks for sharing.
AMEN!
Posted by: mama61
Posted on: 2005-06-03 10:32:14

I've been living with a PA/NP man for 14 years. Oh how I only wish I had had a tag on it long ago. I just kept thinking, "one day he'll get it." I can't tell you how many times I've heard "well I didn't mean it that way" "oh you know that's not what I meant" "how could you think that?" It does make you a raving lunatic because you always lose the confrontation. I had a therapist once tell me "don't take everything he says and does as meaning a way to hurt you." She had no idea!
Bravo
Posted by: deedeef427
Posted on: 2004-05-21 09:18:24

I also could see that in the first couple of minutes.

I can also understand her anger.

I feel the best thing she could do is say "you win", and take back her own power.

She is fighting a battle that she will never win, he will just learn how to push another button.

She has given him all of her power. He sits there with this smug "poor me" calm. It didn't fool me in the lest.

Showing no emotion and truly getting on with her life and celebrate that "yes, happiness can be achieved with out all the tupperware”

That will bring out his anger, because he will be losing control of her emotions.

Those kids really need someone thinking about them. Two parents that can
nt get over themselves enough for those kids is really sad.