06/17 A Family Divided, Part 2
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Posted by: trojtas
Posted on: 2003-09-25 07:23:28
Any child brought into this world is a blessing. I've prayed for the unborn baby. The greatest gift one child can give another is a gift of life (not abortion)and adoption. Alex is all grown up by circumstance, but still a child. God will bring that child into this world and I pray it will find its expected loving family.
Posted by: trojtas
Posted on: 2003-09-25 07:23:28
Any child brought into this world is a blessing. I've prayed for the unborn baby. The greatest gift one child can give another is a gift of life (not abortion)and adoption. Alex is all grown up by circumstance, but still a child. God will bring that child into this world and I pray it will find its expected loving family.
AMEN!
Posted by: puck16
Posted on: 2003-09-25 14:56:18
AMEN! I am praying too that this Child is given the right life, i know adoption would be good, when i was in my child development class we learned about open end adoptions in which the parents are allowed to be active in the life of the child, i think that would be better for the wellbeing of the child and Alexandra can still know her son.!
Posted by: puck16
Posted on: 2003-09-25 14:56:18
AMEN! I am praying too that this Child is given the right life, i know adoption would be good, when i was in my child development class we learned about open end adoptions in which the parents are allowed to be active in the life of the child, i think that would be better for the wellbeing of the child and Alexandra can still know her son.!
its not all peachy keen
Posted by: pandora_20
Posted on: 2003-09-25 19:36:38
i agree with you somewhat. one of my friends did and open adoption and its worked out great for her. on the other hand open adoptions are NOT garenteed to stay open. one of my closest friends talked to a lawyer about open adoptions and they told her that it can start out as an open adoption BUT if the new parents dont want it to be open anymore they can close it. also, there is no garentee that the child with be in a safe enviroment. they lawyer also told my friend that she was working on a case where the adoptive parents were being charged with sexually abusing the child and that the biological mother was trying to get custody back. this was an open adoption but since she signed her rights away, there's nothing she can do.
Posted by: pandora_20
Posted on: 2003-09-25 19:36:38
i agree with you somewhat. one of my friends did and open adoption and its worked out great for her. on the other hand open adoptions are NOT garenteed to stay open. one of my closest friends talked to a lawyer about open adoptions and they told her that it can start out as an open adoption BUT if the new parents dont want it to be open anymore they can close it. also, there is no garentee that the child with be in a safe enviroment. they lawyer also told my friend that she was working on a case where the adoptive parents were being charged with sexually abusing the child and that the biological mother was trying to get custody back. this was an open adoption but since she signed her rights away, there's nothing she can do.
It's not a bad thing either
Posted by: kkirwan
Posted on: 2003-09-26 07:16:22
I was adopted and was never really interested in my biological family. I have contact with my biological mother and sister but don't care to meet my biological father. For some reason it never interested me. I thank my parents almost every day for adopting me. They have given me a much better home than I would have had. I also had a baby when I was 19 and gave him up for adoption. It was the best decision for all involved. I wasn't ready to be a mother, his parents wanted a baby, and I wouldn't have been able to give him the life he deserved. It's an open adoption. It was really hard in the beginning, but it's turned out really well. I don't know if he knows that I'm his biological mother and that doesn't bother me, but he does know that he's adopted, and that was very important for him to know. Adoption can be a very good thing!
Posted by: kkirwan
Posted on: 2003-09-26 07:16:22
I was adopted and was never really interested in my biological family. I have contact with my biological mother and sister but don't care to meet my biological father. For some reason it never interested me. I thank my parents almost every day for adopting me. They have given me a much better home than I would have had. I also had a baby when I was 19 and gave him up for adoption. It was the best decision for all involved. I wasn't ready to be a mother, his parents wanted a baby, and I wouldn't have been able to give him the life he deserved. It's an open adoption. It was really hard in the beginning, but it's turned out really well. I don't know if he knows that I'm his biological mother and that doesn't bother me, but he does know that he's adopted, and that was very important for him to know. Adoption can be a very good thing!
It can be a bad thing
Posted by: erin275
Posted on: 2003-09-26 12:11:38
I was adopted. I have always felt that I wasn't wanted by my birth mom. If you put this child up for adoption you will have to live with the fact you gave your baby away. When this child is older and he asks his adoptive parents was I adopted and why did my birth mom give me up. The child will always wonder.
Posted by: erin275
Posted on: 2003-09-26 12:11:38
I was adopted. I have always felt that I wasn't wanted by my birth mom. If you put this child up for adoption you will have to live with the fact you gave your baby away. When this child is older and he asks his adoptive parents was I adopted and why did my birth mom give me up. The child will always wonder.
erin275
Posted by: artsymamma
Posted on: 2003-09-27 15:57:13
Dear Erin, please try to find your mother. She was, most likely, like this Alex girl, coerced in to surrendering you, told by some social worker that it was the "loving thing" to do. I know hundreds of firstmoms who have found their lost children. some are afraid to search, others don't know how. Some are still in denial, like the one you replied to. She was given up so in order to understand it, she gave up her own. It is actually very common, leaving them with no biologival link to the world once again. I am reunited with the child I was forced to surrender in 1977. I love him with all my heart. He is my only child (so far) and I am married to his father. Finding each other has been a blessing and changed both our lives for the better. He was so pleased to discover he is a "Love Child" :) As for feeling you weren't wanted, she chose to give birth to you, so she must have wanted you, even if she wasn't allowed to keep you. Best of luck.
Posted by: artsymamma
Posted on: 2003-09-27 15:57:13
Dear Erin, please try to find your mother. She was, most likely, like this Alex girl, coerced in to surrendering you, told by some social worker that it was the "loving thing" to do. I know hundreds of firstmoms who have found their lost children. some are afraid to search, others don't know how. Some are still in denial, like the one you replied to. She was given up so in order to understand it, she gave up her own. It is actually very common, leaving them with no biologival link to the world once again. I am reunited with the child I was forced to surrender in 1977. I love him with all my heart. He is my only child (so far) and I am married to his father. Finding each other has been a blessing and changed both our lives for the better. He was so pleased to discover he is a "Love Child" :) As for feeling you weren't wanted, she chose to give birth to you, so she must have wanted you, even if she wasn't allowed to keep you. Best of luck.
Very Sorry
Posted by: lostalso
Posted on: 2003-10-04 20:33:10
I was two days away from my sixtenth birthday when I found I was pregnant with my oldest son. I am sorry that you had such a negative response to your adoption. I tried for almost two years to raise him but do to my young age & my parents situation, it was in his best interest that I let his fathers parents adopt him. It was the hardest choice I have ever made, even 20+ yrs. later. I now have not only my 1st born back, another son & a daughter, but a wonderful "daughter" and 2 beautiful grand-children. Good luck in your life & please know/believe that she did it for you, not for herself. Either way you will have piece of mind. Alex will find her way... & so will her baby. I think they will have a wonderful reunion one day...when they are both ready. Her heart is in the right place, give her credit for that.
Posted by: lostalso
Posted on: 2003-10-04 20:33:10
I was two days away from my sixtenth birthday when I found I was pregnant with my oldest son. I am sorry that you had such a negative response to your adoption. I tried for almost two years to raise him but do to my young age & my parents situation, it was in his best interest that I let his fathers parents adopt him. It was the hardest choice I have ever made, even 20+ yrs. later. I now have not only my 1st born back, another son & a daughter, but a wonderful "daughter" and 2 beautiful grand-children. Good luck in your life & please know/believe that she did it for you, not for herself. Either way you will have piece of mind. Alex will find her way... & so will her baby. I think they will have a wonderful reunion one day...when they are both ready. Her heart is in the right place, give her credit for that.
I bet your firstmom has always wondered
Posted by: krishag
Posted on: 2003-10-07 23:00:45
I hope you will one day know that your firstmom loved you. I am a birthmother and the empty space in my heart and soul can never be competely filled. When I placed my baby daughter in the arms of her parents 17 yrs ago I gave a gift that was irreplaceable. I lost the abillity to have any more children when things went wrong with her delivery, I have a son that is 11mos. older than her. She has always know that she is adopted, I have always sent packages with tokens of my love for all the important times, (until recently-as I feel she doesn't want to share her life with me) but I have missed out on so much that is more precious than anything and I have had to cope with knowing that she may always have to live with the fact I gave her up and that she would most likely think I didn't love her. I loved her enough to give her a life she would have never had if I had kept her. I really did have no one, no resources, no home, no health insurance, social workers didn't want to let me know that I could get housing assistance etc. In general people treat needy mothers and their children poorly. I for the first time in 17 yrs have to realize she may never want to know who I am. I cry often because I may never get the chance to show her just how much I do love her. I also fear that she gained so much by my placing her that she may even think she is better than me... It really hurts. I hope you find your firstmom.
Posted by: krishag
Posted on: 2003-10-07 23:00:45
I hope you will one day know that your firstmom loved you. I am a birthmother and the empty space in my heart and soul can never be competely filled. When I placed my baby daughter in the arms of her parents 17 yrs ago I gave a gift that was irreplaceable. I lost the abillity to have any more children when things went wrong with her delivery, I have a son that is 11mos. older than her. She has always know that she is adopted, I have always sent packages with tokens of my love for all the important times, (until recently-as I feel she doesn't want to share her life with me) but I have missed out on so much that is more precious than anything and I have had to cope with knowing that she may always have to live with the fact I gave her up and that she would most likely think I didn't love her. I loved her enough to give her a life she would have never had if I had kept her. I really did have no one, no resources, no home, no health insurance, social workers didn't want to let me know that I could get housing assistance etc. In general people treat needy mothers and their children poorly. I for the first time in 17 yrs have to realize she may never want to know who I am. I cry often because I may never get the chance to show her just how much I do love her. I also fear that she gained so much by my placing her that she may even think she is better than me... It really hurts. I hope you find your firstmom.
Thank you, birth mom
Posted by: urouttoo
Posted on: 2004-06-17 18:18:19
Thank you for giving my a chance to have the things in life you were unable to give me at the time of my birth. My parents gave me a wonderful, stable, loving home. To this day, they continue to be there for me whenever I need them. I want you to know that your selfless act of love in giving me up for adoption has enabled me to have a wonderful, full, happy life with parents who just celebrated their 59th wedding anniversary. I know, krishaq, that you specifically are not my birth mother, but I wanted you to know that the sacrific you made when you gave your daughter up for adoption is truely appreciated and when she matures, I am sure she will understand the magnitude of the gift you gave her.
Posted by: urouttoo
Posted on: 2004-06-17 18:18:19
Thank you for giving my a chance to have the things in life you were unable to give me at the time of my birth. My parents gave me a wonderful, stable, loving home. To this day, they continue to be there for me whenever I need them. I want you to know that your selfless act of love in giving me up for adoption has enabled me to have a wonderful, full, happy life with parents who just celebrated their 59th wedding anniversary. I know, krishaq, that you specifically are not my birth mother, but I wanted you to know that the sacrific you made when you gave your daughter up for adoption is truely appreciated and when she matures, I am sure she will understand the magnitude of the gift you gave her.
Get Real!
Posted by: realmom670
Posted on: 2003-09-29 09:12:20
I can only empathize with Alexandria's parents, but what are you thinking!
She is too young to make this decision for herself. You need to "Get Real" Dr Phil!
As a parent of a 22 year old son and 15 year old daughter, they have been told since their early teens that if they become pregnant or get another person pregnant, they WILL NOT keep the baby. There are so many people suffering with infertility, why would a 15 year old make a better parent??!?!
Birth mother aside, I strongly believe that no one under 18 makes a "wonderful parent" except in rare circumsances.
Kids today need to be taught that keeping their babies is NOT AN OPTION! Maybe they will think twice before giving into unprotected sex, and the notion that they will live happily ever after.
Alexandria can move forward with her life, finishing high school and moving onto college. I agree an open adoption would be the BEST solution.
Posted by: realmom670
Posted on: 2003-09-29 09:12:20
I can only empathize with Alexandria's parents, but what are you thinking!
She is too young to make this decision for herself. You need to "Get Real" Dr Phil!
As a parent of a 22 year old son and 15 year old daughter, they have been told since their early teens that if they become pregnant or get another person pregnant, they WILL NOT keep the baby. There are so many people suffering with infertility, why would a 15 year old make a better parent??!?!
Birth mother aside, I strongly believe that no one under 18 makes a "wonderful parent" except in rare circumsances.
Kids today need to be taught that keeping their babies is NOT AN OPTION! Maybe they will think twice before giving into unprotected sex, and the notion that they will live happily ever after.
Alexandria can move forward with her life, finishing high school and moving onto college. I agree an open adoption would be the BEST solution.
I totally disagree with you.
Posted by: cgreen35
Posted on: 2003-09-29 09:56:26
Even a teenager can mature and become a wonderful parent...It's not a rare thing at all. The only trouble is when the teen does not have supportive parents to help them mature and grow into that role. Alex definitely does not have supportive parents. No mother, however old she may be, should be forced to give up a child she wishes to keep. Actually I don't think a parent has a right to make that decision either morally or legally.
Just my .02.
Posted by: cgreen35
Posted on: 2003-09-29 09:56:26
Even a teenager can mature and become a wonderful parent...It's not a rare thing at all. The only trouble is when the teen does not have supportive parents to help them mature and grow into that role. Alex definitely does not have supportive parents. No mother, however old she may be, should be forced to give up a child she wishes to keep. Actually I don't think a parent has a right to make that decision either morally or legally.
Just my .02.
Reality Check
Posted by: trbrown
Posted on: 2003-09-29 10:24:45
Teenage mothers cannot be forced to give up a child, but it is imperative that the reality of parenthood is clear. Being a parent means being responsible for the child 100% of the time--not turning the baby off when the demands of a newborn are too much for a 15-year-old to handle. Alex proved she isn't ready to be a responsible parent when she did that.
I am not talking only from theory. Over 21 years ago I adopted a little girl who had been born to a 15-year-old mother who kept the baby but didn't know how to care for the child, didn't get help and as a result my daughter is seriously and multiply handicapped. She was born normally; her disabilities are all from malnutrition and nenglect and ignorance.
Alex expects her mother to raise her baby while she waltzes back to school and makes plans for college as if nothing had happened. Well, something has happened and it is not something Alex is prepared to deal with. An adoptive two-parent family is the only logical choice here. It's time to think about what is best for the child. Alex cannot put herself first.
Posted by: trbrown
Posted on: 2003-09-29 10:24:45
Teenage mothers cannot be forced to give up a child, but it is imperative that the reality of parenthood is clear. Being a parent means being responsible for the child 100% of the time--not turning the baby off when the demands of a newborn are too much for a 15-year-old to handle. Alex proved she isn't ready to be a responsible parent when she did that.
I am not talking only from theory. Over 21 years ago I adopted a little girl who had been born to a 15-year-old mother who kept the baby but didn't know how to care for the child, didn't get help and as a result my daughter is seriously and multiply handicapped. She was born normally; her disabilities are all from malnutrition and nenglect and ignorance.
Alex expects her mother to raise her baby while she waltzes back to school and makes plans for college as if nothing had happened. Well, something has happened and it is not something Alex is prepared to deal with. An adoptive two-parent family is the only logical choice here. It's time to think about what is best for the child. Alex cannot put herself first.
you are so right
Posted by: janego2
Posted on: 2003-10-03 12:48:42
all this talk about her keeping the baby is ridiculous! hand him over... immediately. a two parent family is the only right thing to do by this baby. he will be so screwed up if he stays in that family. i can't believe some people on this discussion group can be so selfish thinking the family should keep him.
Posted by: janego2
Posted on: 2003-10-03 12:48:42
all this talk about her keeping the baby is ridiculous! hand him over... immediately. a two parent family is the only right thing to do by this baby. he will be so screwed up if he stays in that family. i can't believe some people on this discussion group can be so selfish thinking the family should keep him.
Speaking from experience
Posted by: kswills
Posted on: 2003-09-29 14:16:29
I am a mother of a 19 year old son, married for 31 years. The only way I became a mother was through the wonders of adoption...my son was born to a teen who had no clue or ability to give her child a life. Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for bring my son to me this way and I am just thankful that the teen was considerate enough to truly put the interests and welface of her child first. I know that it had to be a hard decision for her to make and I have a letter she wrote when she gave him up to us. She said "it is because I love you that I am giving you away, so that you can have the life I cannot give you and one that I know these parents will be able to give you." I think Alexandra needs to really and honestly consider what is best for this child in the long term. There are too many teen mothers out there who keep the child, only to get disgusted after a short while when they realize they cannot "go out" and party anymore, so who suffers??? The child either ends up being "dumped" or worse still, abandoned and left for dead. If Alexandra's parents were thinking about the best interests of this child, they would surely know that there are so many people who, like us, desperately want a child and have the ability to give a child all the best life has to offer. I with that they would all think of this child for once in their life!
Posted by: kswills
Posted on: 2003-09-29 14:16:29
I am a mother of a 19 year old son, married for 31 years. The only way I became a mother was through the wonders of adoption...my son was born to a teen who had no clue or ability to give her child a life. Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for bring my son to me this way and I am just thankful that the teen was considerate enough to truly put the interests and welface of her child first. I know that it had to be a hard decision for her to make and I have a letter she wrote when she gave him up to us. She said "it is because I love you that I am giving you away, so that you can have the life I cannot give you and one that I know these parents will be able to give you." I think Alexandra needs to really and honestly consider what is best for this child in the long term. There are too many teen mothers out there who keep the child, only to get disgusted after a short while when they realize they cannot "go out" and party anymore, so who suffers??? The child either ends up being "dumped" or worse still, abandoned and left for dead. If Alexandra's parents were thinking about the best interests of this child, they would surely know that there are so many people who, like us, desperately want a child and have the ability to give a child all the best life has to offer. I with that they would all think of this child for once in their life!
I totally disagree with you
Posted by: tobydog56
Posted on: 2003-09-30 11:58:22
I agree with your comment..12 yrs ago my daughter told me and her father she was pregnant. It was such an upsetting time for us and our two sons; but we got thru it..she kept the baby and he is the greatest thing that ever happened to us..My daughter, however, had our love and help to succeed. she went onto nursing career and is now happily marrried (not to the father---he never entered into the equation) she now has another son...My daughter was a responsible person...that's what we don't know in this situation. It can work; but it takes a very dedicated mother and set of strong grandparents..You are all pregnant together. my thoughts are with this family. cheryl or Ohio
Posted by: tobydog56
Posted on: 2003-09-30 11:58:22
I agree with your comment..12 yrs ago my daughter told me and her father she was pregnant. It was such an upsetting time for us and our two sons; but we got thru it..she kept the baby and he is the greatest thing that ever happened to us..My daughter, however, had our love and help to succeed. she went onto nursing career and is now happily marrried (not to the father---he never entered into the equation) she now has another son...My daughter was a responsible person...that's what we don't know in this situation. It can work; but it takes a very dedicated mother and set of strong grandparents..You are all pregnant together. my thoughts are with this family. cheryl or Ohio
you are right cgreen35
Posted by: kmt5493
Posted on: 2003-10-02 15:55:47
I am a mother of three. My husband and I had our first child when I was 18. The bottom line is that it is all about support. My situation was different in that I did have my childs father, and we were working together to do the right things. I do beleive however, that if a girl has her parents support things can work out. When I was pregnant everyone would say, "Well, you wont be able to go to college and get ahead."
We need to still encourage young mothers to fullfill their dreams. I still went to college and got my undergraduate and graduate degrees.
I am not saying that things will be easy. I was also not able to attend college parties and be involved in a lot of activities. I do not regret my decision at all.
As for realmoms's statement about forcing your child to give up their baby.......that is the craziest thing I ever heard. Let me pass a little advice on to her. Your children are not obligated to continue a relationship with you once they are adults. I have not spoken to my dad in years for reasons he is well aware of. I think sometimes parents think that their kids will always be there no matter what they do. But you see life does not work that way.
As a parent my job is to support you, educate you, love you, and give you the tools to make the best decisions. At that point, I have to step back and let go.
I think Alexandria needs to make the best decison for her.
Posted by: kmt5493
Posted on: 2003-10-02 15:55:47
I am a mother of three. My husband and I had our first child when I was 18. The bottom line is that it is all about support. My situation was different in that I did have my childs father, and we were working together to do the right things. I do beleive however, that if a girl has her parents support things can work out. When I was pregnant everyone would say, "Well, you wont be able to go to college and get ahead."
We need to still encourage young mothers to fullfill their dreams. I still went to college and got my undergraduate and graduate degrees.
I am not saying that things will be easy. I was also not able to attend college parties and be involved in a lot of activities. I do not regret my decision at all.
As for realmoms's statement about forcing your child to give up their baby.......that is the craziest thing I ever heard. Let me pass a little advice on to her. Your children are not obligated to continue a relationship with you once they are adults. I have not spoken to my dad in years for reasons he is well aware of. I think sometimes parents think that their kids will always be there no matter what they do. But you see life does not work that way.
As a parent my job is to support you, educate you, love you, and give you the tools to make the best decisions. At that point, I have to step back and let go.
I think Alexandria needs to make the best decison for her.
your wrong cgreen35
Posted by: milkdud102
Posted on: 2004-06-14 05:55:19
i disagree with you because Alex is still in school and doesn't have time to take care of a chiled ( on top of school work and other out of school activities).
this is a human life and it should be in a loving invierment.
this doesn't mean that Alex wouldn't be a loving parent, but its to early to tell/or take that chance.
no matter the dission that Alex makes you have no say in what so ever and neather do we, we are just trying to help her in her dission and you arent making it any easer.
Posted by: milkdud102
Posted on: 2004-06-14 05:55:19
i disagree with you because Alex is still in school and doesn't have time to take care of a chiled ( on top of school work and other out of school activities).
this is a human life and it should be in a loving invierment.
this doesn't mean that Alex wouldn't be a loving parent, but its to early to tell/or take that chance.
no matter the dission that Alex makes you have no say in what so ever and neather do we, we are just trying to help her in her dission and you arent making it any easer.
You don't have a clue!
Posted by: niktexmex
Posted on: 2003-09-29 15:51:28
First let me start by saying if you have not walked in Alexandra shoes then you don't know!
I got pregnant at 17 finished high school and finished college five years later with a five year old son. I am now a successful and very happy person. Had my mother made me give my baby up for adoption it would have been devasting...see...five years I lost the two people that had raised me. If I had not had my son, my reason for living would have been gone.
Alexandra can do it. You don't know...
Posted by: niktexmex
Posted on: 2003-09-29 15:51:28
First let me start by saying if you have not walked in Alexandra shoes then you don't know!
I got pregnant at 17 finished high school and finished college five years later with a five year old son. I am now a successful and very happy person. Had my mother made me give my baby up for adoption it would have been devasting...see...five years I lost the two people that had raised me. If I had not had my son, my reason for living would have been gone.
Alexandra can do it. You don't know...
Alex isn't ready!
Posted by: shealayden
Posted on: 2003-09-29 18:54:34
Nik, I would like to tell you congrats for doing it. You were 17 which is a BIG difference than 15. Based on all that I have seen Alex is in NO place to do what is best for her baby. Her Dad wants her to keep it because it is the son he never had. Her mother is a total mess and will be no support just angry at the baby. Alex doesn't know what is what, she only got pregnant because she wasn't getting the love at home she needed because her folks are on the brink of divorse. Alex needs to do what is best for the baby. I am married to an adoptee so I speak from experience here, seeing what is best for the child.
Posted by: shealayden
Posted on: 2003-09-29 18:54:34
Nik, I would like to tell you congrats for doing it. You were 17 which is a BIG difference than 15. Based on all that I have seen Alex is in NO place to do what is best for her baby. Her Dad wants her to keep it because it is the son he never had. Her mother is a total mess and will be no support just angry at the baby. Alex doesn't know what is what, she only got pregnant because she wasn't getting the love at home she needed because her folks are on the brink of divorse. Alex needs to do what is best for the baby. I am married to an adoptee so I speak from experience here, seeing what is best for the child.
