06/09 Was Our Marriage a Mistake?
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11Look before you leap
Posted by: strangegrc
Posted on: 2003-12-11 11:16:20
Why is it that SO many relationships change the moment the rings are on those fingers? Far too many people seem to think they can CHANGE someone after the wedding, instead of realizing that if there's so much to be changed, maybe their partner isn't the right one in the first place. And what's with this trend of getting pregnant BEFORE the wedding? Can two people ever be sure they got married for the right reasons, when this is the motivating factor? Call me old fashioned, but it seems to me that couples need time together AS A MARRIED COUPLE first, to solidify their relationship and have a little fun, before bringing another person into the mix. And MEN, take a tip: Proposing should be a PRIVATE affair. Don't ever put a woman on the spot in front of a big group, where she has no option to surprise you and actually say NO... And finally, remember this - when you marry someone, you marry their whole family...
Posted by: strangegrc
Posted on: 2003-12-11 11:16:20
Why is it that SO many relationships change the moment the rings are on those fingers? Far too many people seem to think they can CHANGE someone after the wedding, instead of realizing that if there's so much to be changed, maybe their partner isn't the right one in the first place. And what's with this trend of getting pregnant BEFORE the wedding? Can two people ever be sure they got married for the right reasons, when this is the motivating factor? Call me old fashioned, but it seems to me that couples need time together AS A MARRIED COUPLE first, to solidify their relationship and have a little fun, before bringing another person into the mix. And MEN, take a tip: Proposing should be a PRIVATE affair. Don't ever put a woman on the spot in front of a big group, where she has no option to surprise you and actually say NO... And finally, remember this - when you marry someone, you marry their whole family...
marriage
Posted by: raynwbows
Posted on: 2003-12-11 11:46:51
I think alot of times people don't know each other, they get married after dating a while but never lived together and don't know what there like. I am not married but I have been in a relationship for 8 years. We lived together for about 4 1/2 years. So I know all his annoying habits. When I met him I wasn't so in love with him. We met we went out and I liked him, he treated me well and became my best friend we dated and the more i got to know him the more I wanted to be with him. I knew someday he would be a good father and I loved that.
Posted by: raynwbows
Posted on: 2003-12-11 11:46:51
I think alot of times people don't know each other, they get married after dating a while but never lived together and don't know what there like. I am not married but I have been in a relationship for 8 years. We lived together for about 4 1/2 years. So I know all his annoying habits. When I met him I wasn't so in love with him. We met we went out and I liked him, he treated me well and became my best friend we dated and the more i got to know him the more I wanted to be with him. I knew someday he would be a good father and I loved that.
contiued
Posted by: raynwbows
Posted on: 2003-12-11 11:50:43
We are not married because well I am still in university he just graduated from university 3 years ago and were paying loans off. We will get married someday. Marriage the ceremony thing isn't really important to me. We live together have a son together I pick up his laundary and well it's like we are already and legally we sort are married(common law). Your so right about you dont only marry the guy but his whole family....that's another story.
Posted by: raynwbows
Posted on: 2003-12-11 11:50:43
We are not married because well I am still in university he just graduated from university 3 years ago and were paying loans off. We will get married someday. Marriage the ceremony thing isn't really important to me. We live together have a son together I pick up his laundary and well it's like we are already and legally we sort are married(common law). Your so right about you dont only marry the guy but his whole family....that's another story.
Dumb idea
Posted by: ramair
Posted on: 2003-12-11 13:01:35
Living together first doesn't always insure a good marriage.
Take Brook and Dave, Dr Phil's first two quests. They lived together first. But, look at the mess they're in now.
And, since he first went on the air, Dr Phil has had many other couples who also lived together first and were having serious problems in their maariages.
As more and more couples are living together first, the divorce rate keeps climbing. Living together is a dumb idea.
Posted by: ramair
Posted on: 2003-12-11 13:01:35
Living together first doesn't always insure a good marriage.
Take Brook and Dave, Dr Phil's first two quests. They lived together first. But, look at the mess they're in now.
And, since he first went on the air, Dr Phil has had many other couples who also lived together first and were having serious problems in their maariages.
As more and more couples are living together first, the divorce rate keeps climbing. Living together is a dumb idea.
Calling it a 'Dumb Idea'
Posted by: gavsmom06
Posted on: 2003-12-11 16:07:56
I don't feel like anyone should make quick judgements such as calling living arangements before marriage a 'dumb idea'. I lived with my husband before we got married and things have been better then ever. Relationships are all different as people are all different.
Posted by: gavsmom06
Posted on: 2003-12-11 16:07:56
I don't feel like anyone should make quick judgements such as calling living arangements before marriage a 'dumb idea'. I lived with my husband before we got married and things have been better then ever. Relationships are all different as people are all different.
I think living together can be a very wise idea.
Posted by: uberwife
Posted on: 2003-12-11 17:46:19
You can say that the divorce rate is climbing, but you have to do some homework to find out what those numbers really mean. You have to look into WHY people are divorcing. You have to look at age, education, relationship experience, work experience, family of origin, and other socio-economic factors.
More and more couples may be living together. And quite seperately the divorce rate may be climbing. But I wouldn't be so quick link the two so closely and so quickly.
Some people think that the structure and values of traditional marriage no longer suit many people of today and that's why people are quicker to divorce.Maybe people divorce more because they aren't as willing to spend eternity unhappy. It's a notion I've heard put forth. I don't have theory yet; I'm just trying to make my own marriage prosper.
Posted by: uberwife
Posted on: 2003-12-11 17:46:19
You can say that the divorce rate is climbing, but you have to do some homework to find out what those numbers really mean. You have to look into WHY people are divorcing. You have to look at age, education, relationship experience, work experience, family of origin, and other socio-economic factors.
More and more couples may be living together. And quite seperately the divorce rate may be climbing. But I wouldn't be so quick link the two so closely and so quickly.
Some people think that the structure and values of traditional marriage no longer suit many people of today and that's why people are quicker to divorce.Maybe people divorce more because they aren't as willing to spend eternity unhappy. It's a notion I've heard put forth. I don't have theory yet; I'm just trying to make my own marriage prosper.
you are so judgemental
Posted by: dogsrfun
Posted on: 2003-12-11 18:37:28
I have heard this tone from your posts before but I have ignored it and now I feel I must respond. Just because you may not like the idea,does not give you the right to call someone dumb. I'm sorry but I do not like the holier than thou tone you take. If you are just here to insult people then why bother? It is better to offer constructive points or say something like "I don't think I would want to live with someone before marriage." Spread a little love aroundand the world becomes a better place.
Posted by: dogsrfun
Posted on: 2003-12-11 18:37:28
I have heard this tone from your posts before but I have ignored it and now I feel I must respond. Just because you may not like the idea,does not give you the right to call someone dumb. I'm sorry but I do not like the holier than thou tone you take. If you are just here to insult people then why bother? It is better to offer constructive points or say something like "I don't think I would want to live with someone before marriage." Spread a little love aroundand the world becomes a better place.
Teamrocket, I agree!
Posted by: girlspirit
Posted on: 2003-12-14 20:58:09
Thank you! I have read that know-it-all tone before as well, without commenting. Strong language on almost every show. This time it is a bit much to take. Such generalities/stereotypes/ignorance are what makes this world a sad place indeed.
Posted by: girlspirit
Posted on: 2003-12-14 20:58:09
Thank you! I have read that know-it-all tone before as well, without commenting. Strong language on almost every show. This time it is a bit much to take. Such generalities/stereotypes/ignorance are what makes this world a sad place indeed.
you are so right
Posted by: inkyfinger
Posted on: 2003-12-11 19:24:09
What happened to dating, getting engaged, getting married and then having children?. That first couple did it all wrong. Maybe, just maybe, if they had done things in order she would have seen that he had a drinking problem and not married him. As it is right now there is a child involved, which if I understood correctly was involved before the marriage. How sad. With 50% of marriages ending in divorce maybe we need to get back to the "old ways".
Posted by: inkyfinger
Posted on: 2003-12-11 19:24:09
What happened to dating, getting engaged, getting married and then having children?. That first couple did it all wrong. Maybe, just maybe, if they had done things in order she would have seen that he had a drinking problem and not married him. As it is right now there is a child involved, which if I understood correctly was involved before the marriage. How sad. With 50% of marriages ending in divorce maybe we need to get back to the "old ways".
your so wrong
Posted by: stevo2
Posted on: 2003-12-15 18:36:05
I think you both are getting off the subject and I think any one on this message board has a right to there opinion. whether we like it our not.And in away you too are. being judgmental. Not any person is the same and we all have our point of view on marriage. THe thing is, it isn't easy we all have to work at it.whether we got married in a church, las vegas, @ the justice of Peace or in our backyard. It is still a marriage. And both partners need to work at it. or no matter where or how old fashioned you are it won't work if only one is doing the work.
Posted by: stevo2
Posted on: 2003-12-15 18:36:05
I think you both are getting off the subject and I think any one on this message board has a right to there opinion. whether we like it our not.And in away you too are. being judgmental. Not any person is the same and we all have our point of view on marriage. THe thing is, it isn't easy we all have to work at it.whether we got married in a church, las vegas, @ the justice of Peace or in our backyard. It is still a marriage. And both partners need to work at it. or no matter where or how old fashioned you are it won't work if only one is doing the work.
right on
Posted by: joymarie20
Posted on: 2004-06-23 23:03:08
Thank you, you are so right. Too bad more people don't think like you. Then maybe there wouldn't be so many divorces.
Posted by: joymarie20
Posted on: 2004-06-23 23:03:08
Thank you, you are so right. Too bad more people don't think like you. Then maybe there wouldn't be so many divorces.
Order?
Posted by: joymarie20
Posted on: 2004-06-23 23:02:54
Get back to what ways? The ways of staying in a loveless marriage for 25 or so years, but forcing the marriage together just because it is "wrong" to get a divorce? Tell us one good thing about the old ways. Things have always been the same, but now we just know about it because of television shows. Not everyone is the same, and I am living proof of that. There are no rules or orders in which the glory of love is played out. And just because there is a child involved does not make it a sad situation. You have no right to judge.
Posted by: joymarie20
Posted on: 2004-06-23 23:02:54
Get back to what ways? The ways of staying in a loveless marriage for 25 or so years, but forcing the marriage together just because it is "wrong" to get a divorce? Tell us one good thing about the old ways. Things have always been the same, but now we just know about it because of television shows. Not everyone is the same, and I am living proof of that. There are no rules or orders in which the glory of love is played out. And just because there is a child involved does not make it a sad situation. You have no right to judge.
Divorce
Posted by: loulos
Posted on: 2004-12-14 11:25:41
I have just been going through the dr.phil archives and stumbled across this conversation. I don't know if anyone will see this but, my theory on why 50% of marriages end in divorce has nothing to do with living together first or not living together first.
I think it has to do with the fact that women can no longer put up with mens crap! our grandmothers and mothers put up with it but now we won't.
Posted by: loulos
Posted on: 2004-12-14 11:25:41
I have just been going through the dr.phil archives and stumbled across this conversation. I don't know if anyone will see this but, my theory on why 50% of marriages end in divorce has nothing to do with living together first or not living together first.
I think it has to do with the fact that women can no longer put up with mens crap! our grandmothers and mothers put up with it but now we won't.
Dumb Idea - Ditto
Posted by: poebowen
Posted on: 2003-12-12 00:26:27
Not only is it not smart, statistics show living together does not insure a long married life, usually the opposite!
A couple huge myths about marriage are
1. being able to change the other person, or that they will magically change on their own ... NOT!
2. that the other person's sole purpose in the relationship is to make you happy ...NOT!
Marriage is not 50/50 as I used to think, it is 150/150 all the time 24-7.
My marriage got excellent when I changed. Changed my way of thinking about it and focused on being the best wife I could be not on how awful a husband he was.
- Love is a choice and a process, not a feeling. If you loose the "feeling" Work at it! Feelings follow choice.
If you want a friend you give to that person and cultivate the relationship. That's how you get a great marriage. Work at it!
Now I am married to my best friend and it is the best!
Posted by: poebowen
Posted on: 2003-12-12 00:26:27
Not only is it not smart, statistics show living together does not insure a long married life, usually the opposite!
A couple huge myths about marriage are
1. being able to change the other person, or that they will magically change on their own ... NOT!
2. that the other person's sole purpose in the relationship is to make you happy ...NOT!
Marriage is not 50/50 as I used to think, it is 150/150 all the time 24-7.
My marriage got excellent when I changed. Changed my way of thinking about it and focused on being the best wife I could be not on how awful a husband he was.
- Love is a choice and a process, not a feeling. If you loose the "feeling" Work at it! Feelings follow choice.
If you want a friend you give to that person and cultivate the relationship. That's how you get a great marriage. Work at it!
Now I am married to my best friend and it is the best!
Ramair: Isn't that a bit narrow-minded?
Posted by: girlspirit
Posted on: 2003-12-14 20:47:49
"Living together is a dumb idea?" Don't you think you're generalizing just a bit? What works for some people doesn't necessarily work for others. Each relationship is different, just as individials are.
Some people might think that NOT living together is a "dumb" idea. Or getting married too young. Or getting married because of a pregnancy. Or marrying someone who has been divorced. And so on... We shouldn't make such blanket statements.
As for living together first, it was very beneficial in my case. At least I can rest easily, knowing my husband and I saw each other for all our faults first and STILL wanted to marry each other. That sure beats wondering if your husband wished he had a way out, but now he's trapped. I'm GLAD we both knew we could leave or stay if we wanted. Now I know he's truly committed.
Whether or not you lived together first is not what determines a successful marriage. Some married people are not as committed as some who live together. What really counts is the commitment you feel in your heart. THAT'S what's important.
Posted by: girlspirit
Posted on: 2003-12-14 20:47:49
"Living together is a dumb idea?" Don't you think you're generalizing just a bit? What works for some people doesn't necessarily work for others. Each relationship is different, just as individials are.
Some people might think that NOT living together is a "dumb" idea. Or getting married too young. Or getting married because of a pregnancy. Or marrying someone who has been divorced. And so on... We shouldn't make such blanket statements.
As for living together first, it was very beneficial in my case. At least I can rest easily, knowing my husband and I saw each other for all our faults first and STILL wanted to marry each other. That sure beats wondering if your husband wished he had a way out, but now he's trapped. I'm GLAD we both knew we could leave or stay if we wanted. Now I know he's truly committed.
Whether or not you lived together first is not what determines a successful marriage. Some married people are not as committed as some who live together. What really counts is the commitment you feel in your heart. THAT'S what's important.
I agree
Posted by: sageribbon
Posted on: 2003-12-15 18:50:35
Although there may be a small percentage of "live together first" relationships that are successful, in general it's just desanctifying marriage. What's the point of getting married if you are just going to shack up? The symbolism of the ceremony is important. So says I! *giggle* :)
Posted by: sageribbon
Posted on: 2003-12-15 18:50:35
Although there may be a small percentage of "live together first" relationships that are successful, in general it's just desanctifying marriage. What's the point of getting married if you are just going to shack up? The symbolism of the ceremony is important. So says I! *giggle* :)
What are you talking about?????
Posted by: sloansmom
Posted on: 2003-12-16 16:57:46
In a nut shell..... EVERYONE is different. perhaps you think living with someone before marriage is a bad idea. Does this make you RIGHT???? It takes two people willing to compromise and make sacrifices to make a marriage work. Open communication really is key. I lived with my husband for 5 years before we were married. Now in our 2nd year of marriage and with our first child we are even HAPPIER!!! Sorry to prove your point wrong - but like I said at the beginning - EVERYONE is DIFFERENT!.
Now having said this - with an attitude like yours I can see why the divorce rate climbs......
Posted by: sloansmom
Posted on: 2003-12-16 16:57:46
In a nut shell..... EVERYONE is different. perhaps you think living with someone before marriage is a bad idea. Does this make you RIGHT???? It takes two people willing to compromise and make sacrifices to make a marriage work. Open communication really is key. I lived with my husband for 5 years before we were married. Now in our 2nd year of marriage and with our first child we are even HAPPIER!!! Sorry to prove your point wrong - but like I said at the beginning - EVERYONE is DIFFERENT!.
Now having said this - with an attitude like yours I can see why the divorce rate climbs......
Statistically Speaking
Posted by: romeo1968
Posted on: 2003-12-17 00:04:34
There are always exceptions but, statistically living together does not offer better protection from divorce or better marriages. There have been numerous studies done (search Google on "cohabitation" to see what I mean) both in the U.S. and abroad by government and social agencies (I'm not talking about biased religious organizations) that show people who live together before marriage have a higher likelihood of divorce than those who do not. These studies show that people who cohabitate before marriage have anywhere from a 25-65% higher likelihood for divorce than the "average" divorce rate. So, if the "average" divorce rate for people who never live together is 50%, then 60 to more than 85% (depending on the study) of couples who live together DO divorce within 10 years of their wedding date. So, it isn't anyone's "negative" attitude that increases the divorce rate afterall. I certainly hope you never get divorced but, statistically speaking, I'd discourage anyone from living together before marriage.
Posted by: romeo1968
Posted on: 2003-12-17 00:04:34
There are always exceptions but, statistically living together does not offer better protection from divorce or better marriages. There have been numerous studies done (search Google on "cohabitation" to see what I mean) both in the U.S. and abroad by government and social agencies (I'm not talking about biased religious organizations) that show people who live together before marriage have a higher likelihood of divorce than those who do not. These studies show that people who cohabitate before marriage have anywhere from a 25-65% higher likelihood for divorce than the "average" divorce rate. So, if the "average" divorce rate for people who never live together is 50%, then 60 to more than 85% (depending on the study) of couples who live together DO divorce within 10 years of their wedding date. So, it isn't anyone's "negative" attitude that increases the divorce rate afterall. I certainly hope you never get divorced but, statistically speaking, I'd discourage anyone from living together before marriage.
Not so fast....
Posted by: coopjake
Posted on: 2004-06-09 09:10:53
I always "test drive" anything that will affect the rest of my life. I want to know up front how something's mechanisms really work before I take it into my life....and this includes a life partner.
My husband and I both had separate residences before we married but in reality we lived/stayed together at my house long before we said "I do". We just celebrated our 23rd anniversary June 6th, so I'm not so sure it was a dumb idea to try each other out for a bit first.
Be careful throwing so many stones living in your little glass house ramair.
Posted by: coopjake
Posted on: 2004-06-09 09:10:53
I always "test drive" anything that will affect the rest of my life. I want to know up front how something's mechanisms really work before I take it into my life....and this includes a life partner.
My husband and I both had separate residences before we married but in reality we lived/stayed together at my house long before we said "I do". We just celebrated our 23rd anniversary June 6th, so I'm not so sure it was a dumb idea to try each other out for a bit first.
Be careful throwing so many stones living in your little glass house ramair.
Posted by: lillabit
Posted on: 2004-06-09 13:59:21
Wow, I completely disagree. Fortunately, I lived with my ex-boyfriend and we didn't get married - keeping the divorce rate down. I learned a lot in that relationship and a good deal of it from living together. When my husband and I moved in together, I knew to talk about my expectations and what I wanted. We were able to approach it in a way that was comfortable for both of us. In living together, we worked through a lot of things that probably wouldn't have come up otherwise. After 3 1/2 years of living together, we got married and it's been great. I don't think living together is for everyone, but it was the best way to go for us.
I think the high divorce rate can be attributed to a lack of communication and high expectations of marriage. My advice to couples getting married is: love is not enough. Falling in love is easy; being in a relationship is work. The best work you can get, but it is work. You need respect, communication, common goals, and a willingness to work through problems together.
