09/22 How to Get Your Kids To…
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Posted by: poetmom
Posted on: 2004-09-16 09:04:28
I am at my wit's end with my daughters, who are 14 and 11, when it comes to cleaning their room. I don't expect it to be spotless 24/7, just for them to clean up after themselves...pick up toys and books when you finish with them, put dirty clothes in the hamper, put clean clothes in the closet or dresser. Hopefully he'll give some new and different ideas for getting these things done....or else someone on here can offer suggestions!!!
Posted by: poetmom
Posted on: 2004-09-16 09:04:28
I am at my wit's end with my daughters, who are 14 and 11, when it comes to cleaning their room. I don't expect it to be spotless 24/7, just for them to clean up after themselves...pick up toys and books when you finish with them, put dirty clothes in the hamper, put clean clothes in the closet or dresser. Hopefully he'll give some new and different ideas for getting these things done....or else someone on here can offer suggestions!!!
Pull a Dr. Phil!
Posted by: marne4
Posted on: 2004-09-17 14:55:41
I hear you loud and clear. I will be in my son's room in about 10 minutes removing all items of enjoyment until he can earn them back! Why not do what Dr. Phil suggests and remove all the fun stuff from your girl's rooms? If you have a big enough home or the patience you could even hi-jack their dressers and you could dole out the clothes every morning when and only when the clothes and pj's they wore the day before have been hampered or folded and put away. I've been very soft w/my kids and do much more for them than I should. That seems to have become the American way, pamper, spoil, buy and caudle. I love my kids to death (all 4 and one on the way), but one of the best gifts we can give them is to be respectful, responsible, and a good worker. It takes a lot of effort, but I'm deciding it's definately worth it!!!
Posted by: marne4
Posted on: 2004-09-17 14:55:41
I hear you loud and clear. I will be in my son's room in about 10 minutes removing all items of enjoyment until he can earn them back! Why not do what Dr. Phil suggests and remove all the fun stuff from your girl's rooms? If you have a big enough home or the patience you could even hi-jack their dressers and you could dole out the clothes every morning when and only when the clothes and pj's they wore the day before have been hampered or folded and put away. I've been very soft w/my kids and do much more for them than I should. That seems to have become the American way, pamper, spoil, buy and caudle. I love my kids to death (all 4 and one on the way), but one of the best gifts we can give them is to be respectful, responsible, and a good worker. It takes a lot of effort, but I'm deciding it's definately worth it!!!
I've done it
Posted by: ltl_snbl
Posted on: 2004-09-22 10:12:53
I have done that to my son before, I took everyone of his toys out of his room and put his tv in his sister's room. I have a smaller place, but I put his toy box right where he could see it. It worked for a while after he got his toys back. Now it may take him a couple days to clean his room, but he don't want mom to go and clean. He knows that if I have to clean his room, he will not only lose his toys for a while but if I think it is garbage I may just throw it away. I have not had to clean my daughter's room because she knows that if I have to go and clean it she will lose her toys just like her brother did. This idea can work, but if you threaten to do it you gotta follow through with it.
Posted by: ltl_snbl
Posted on: 2004-09-22 10:12:53
I have done that to my son before, I took everyone of his toys out of his room and put his tv in his sister's room. I have a smaller place, but I put his toy box right where he could see it. It worked for a while after he got his toys back. Now it may take him a couple days to clean his room, but he don't want mom to go and clean. He knows that if I have to clean his room, he will not only lose his toys for a while but if I think it is garbage I may just throw it away. I have not had to clean my daughter's room because she knows that if I have to go and clean it she will lose her toys just like her brother did. This idea can work, but if you threaten to do it you gotta follow through with it.
Messy Rooms
Posted by: michaelalm
Posted on: 2004-09-21 08:46:56
How about just taking everything away? Just go in one day when they are in school and clear out the room (pictures, toys, computer, make-up, etc.) Leave the bed, some sheets and necessary clothes (not the hip ones), but otherwise everything else will be in storage.
When they show some responsiblity you drive them once a month to the storage unit where they can take home one box, but of course it's the box with their least favorite stuff. If they fail to keep the rooms tidy, start over by cleaning out the room again. If this doesn't work, sell their junk on Ebay, take the money and treat yourself to a 14 day spa!
Posted by: michaelalm
Posted on: 2004-09-21 08:46:56
How about just taking everything away? Just go in one day when they are in school and clear out the room (pictures, toys, computer, make-up, etc.) Leave the bed, some sheets and necessary clothes (not the hip ones), but otherwise everything else will be in storage.
When they show some responsiblity you drive them once a month to the storage unit where they can take home one box, but of course it's the box with their least favorite stuff. If they fail to keep the rooms tidy, start over by cleaning out the room again. If this doesn't work, sell their junk on Ebay, take the money and treat yourself to a 14 day spa!
Never Bought That Idea
Posted by: poetmom
Posted on: 2004-09-21 09:35:07
I have never bought into the idea of taking everything away from them, especially when one of my girls has abandonment issues due to her past. She needs safety, security and consistency, and she can't get that if she never feels that anything she owns is truly hers, but that Mom always has the option of taking it away from her. They just don't place the same level of importance on a clean room as I do, and I'm working with them now to find a workable compromise that makes us ALL happier than we are now.
Posted by: poetmom
Posted on: 2004-09-21 09:35:07
I have never bought into the idea of taking everything away from them, especially when one of my girls has abandonment issues due to her past. She needs safety, security and consistency, and she can't get that if she never feels that anything she owns is truly hers, but that Mom always has the option of taking it away from her. They just don't place the same level of importance on a clean room as I do, and I'm working with them now to find a workable compromise that makes us ALL happier than we are now.
Abandoment Issues?
Posted by: michaelalm
Posted on: 2004-09-21 11:06:50
I too have abandonemnt issues, but the IRS doesn't care and still makes a monthly deduction from my paycheck.
Posted by: michaelalm
Posted on: 2004-09-21 11:06:50
I too have abandonemnt issues, but the IRS doesn't care and still makes a monthly deduction from my paycheck.
So????
Posted by: poetmom
Posted on: 2004-09-21 13:43:20
That has nothing to do with whether or not you get all your worldly possessions taken away from you just because you can't keep your room clean to the standards of your anal mother....LOL
Posted by: poetmom
Posted on: 2004-09-21 13:43:20
That has nothing to do with whether or not you get all your worldly possessions taken away from you just because you can't keep your room clean to the standards of your anal mother....LOL
Oh, Okay...
Posted by: michaelalm
Posted on: 2004-09-21 14:48:46
Oh, okay! (giggle) Well, then I guess you admit that you are trying for your children to adhere to the same standards as an adult. I just wish to share one little story with you about this. My mother was a compulsive cleaner when I was small. There are acutally pictures of me sitting on the vaccum cleaner and she's pulling me through the house. Of course, today we laugh at these pics but in all seriousness, today she regrets all the moments she cleaned house rather than sharing time with me. So, some food for thought. There should be a certain degree of cleanliness and the child should bear the responsibilty for it, but not at every cost.
Posted by: michaelalm
Posted on: 2004-09-21 14:48:46
Oh, okay! (giggle) Well, then I guess you admit that you are trying for your children to adhere to the same standards as an adult. I just wish to share one little story with you about this. My mother was a compulsive cleaner when I was small. There are acutally pictures of me sitting on the vaccum cleaner and she's pulling me through the house. Of course, today we laugh at these pics but in all seriousness, today she regrets all the moments she cleaned house rather than sharing time with me. So, some food for thought. There should be a certain degree of cleanliness and the child should bear the responsibilty for it, but not at every cost.
abandoment
Posted by: trinimom
Posted on: 2004-09-23 14:49:10
I AM WITH YOU ON THAT ONE GIRL
These kids are that way because the parents my excusses for them.
Posted by: trinimom
Posted on: 2004-09-23 14:49:10
I AM WITH YOU ON THAT ONE GIRL
These kids are that way because the parents my excusses for them.
Things can't abandon
Posted by: zellersgs
Posted on: 2004-09-22 17:00:37
How is taking away material possessions away abandonment? Only living things can abandon one another. Life is very simple: pay to play. If she's feeling empty or lonely because her favorite things are gone, YOU become her favorite thing. No one says you must cackle like an evil witch and take pleasure in removing her items. It's a business transaction: cause & effect. If you are clear, she maintains control over the situation by her own actions. What better gift to give her than to show her that she is actually in control of her life, good and bad?
Posted by: zellersgs
Posted on: 2004-09-22 17:00:37
How is taking away material possessions away abandonment? Only living things can abandon one another. Life is very simple: pay to play. If she's feeling empty or lonely because her favorite things are gone, YOU become her favorite thing. No one says you must cackle like an evil witch and take pleasure in removing her items. It's a business transaction: cause & effect. If you are clear, she maintains control over the situation by her own actions. What better gift to give her than to show her that she is actually in control of her life, good and bad?
Posted by: mom4sanity
Posted on: 2004-09-15 23:52:22
I have to agree. I have never bought into that either. I am a mother of 2 and before they are allowed to do what the want i.e. ride their bikes, go play anything, their rooms have to be clean. I'm not talking spotless but their personal items are to be picked up and put away, laundry is to be put away. (Over the weekend, thats when they are to dust and vaccum their rooms as well). If they are not clean, they don't go! Simple as that. Both kids know there are consequences and rewards for their behavior.I do recall growing up my own mother "nagging" us to clean our rooms and when we didn't, she did. When she did, she threw everything out the front door, let me tell you, we were embarrassed walking home from school with our friends to find that! Needless to say it worked for a while.
Its her choice
Posted by: hoysrus
Posted on: 2004-09-24 15:13:46
Sounds like you care for your daughters immensely. Consistency goes hand in hand with knowing what is going to happen. Make sure your daughters know that THEIR choices determine the consequence (losing priveledges etc.) You DO have the option of taking things away. I don't think abandonment comes into play here if you lay the ground rules ahead of time. If you do "A" you get "B". That way it's not a suprise to them, it's an expected consequence. :-)
Posted by: hoysrus
Posted on: 2004-09-24 15:13:46
Sounds like you care for your daughters immensely. Consistency goes hand in hand with knowing what is going to happen. Make sure your daughters know that THEIR choices determine the consequence (losing priveledges etc.) You DO have the option of taking things away. I don't think abandonment comes into play here if you lay the ground rules ahead of time. If you do "A" you get "B". That way it's not a suprise to them, it's an expected consequence. :-)
We Removed everything...
Posted by: tambreyeg
Posted on: 2004-09-22 17:43:09
From my step-son's room when he lived with us a few years back. He had his bedroom furniture and a bookshelf with books on it. He had behavioral issues so we took everything away and if he was good for the week, he could go into the spare room and choose one item to have back.
He never did get anything back, but he did get an award at school for reading the most books!!! He read a Hardy Boys book a day, and his teacher asked if he really was reading what he noted on his sheet, and i verified that he was!
Posted by: tambreyeg
Posted on: 2004-09-22 17:43:09
From my step-son's room when he lived with us a few years back. He had his bedroom furniture and a bookshelf with books on it. He had behavioral issues so we took everything away and if he was good for the week, he could go into the spare room and choose one item to have back.
He never did get anything back, but he did get an award at school for reading the most books!!! He read a Hardy Boys book a day, and his teacher asked if he really was reading what he noted on his sheet, and i verified that he was!
You didn't do it right
Posted by: aaustin413
Posted on: 2004-09-25 23:37:43
Your step-son never earned anything back because you set the bar too high. Instead of having to be good for a week (!!! I'm an adult, and ***I*** can rarely be good for a whole week, and that's on my own standards, not my step mother's!!) you start with 10 minutes. Then, when he has that figured out, you say, "Ok, buddy, you're doing really well. To earn back this next set of cooler toys, you have to be good for an hour..." and you work your way up to a week gradually.
If your stepson has diagnosed behavioral issues, I urge you to get additional help from the school, from a psychiatrist or a behaviorist, or anyone else who would be professional and objective.
Posted by: aaustin413
Posted on: 2004-09-25 23:37:43
Your step-son never earned anything back because you set the bar too high. Instead of having to be good for a week (!!! I'm an adult, and ***I*** can rarely be good for a whole week, and that's on my own standards, not my step mother's!!) you start with 10 minutes. Then, when he has that figured out, you say, "Ok, buddy, you're doing really well. To earn back this next set of cooler toys, you have to be good for an hour..." and you work your way up to a week gradually.
If your stepson has diagnosed behavioral issues, I urge you to get additional help from the school, from a psychiatrist or a behaviorist, or anyone else who would be professional and objective.
Messy Rooms
Posted by: michaelalm
Posted on: 2004-09-21 08:46:56
How about just taking everything away? Just go in one day when they are in school and clear out the room (pictures, toys, computer, make-up, etc.) Leave the bed, some sheets and necessary clothes (not the hip ones), but otherwise everything else will be in storage.
When they show some responsiblity you drive them once a month to the storage unit where they can take home one box, but of course it's the box with their least favorite stuff. If they fail to keep the rooms tidy, start over by cleaning out the room again. If this doesn't work, sell their junk on Ebay, take the money and treat yourself to a 14 day spa!
Posted by: michaelalm
Posted on: 2004-09-21 08:46:56
How about just taking everything away? Just go in one day when they are in school and clear out the room (pictures, toys, computer, make-up, etc.) Leave the bed, some sheets and necessary clothes (not the hip ones), but otherwise everything else will be in storage.
When they show some responsiblity you drive them once a month to the storage unit where they can take home one box, but of course it's the box with their least favorite stuff. If they fail to keep the rooms tidy, start over by cleaning out the room again. If this doesn't work, sell their junk on Ebay, take the money and treat yourself to a 14 day spa!
Posted by: ltcmom
Posted on: 2004-09-25 15:10:19
Are you a parent or a prison guard?
Going into someones room while they're out and clearing it sounds more like a shake down to me!
Storage Unit?
Posted by: poetmom
Posted on: 2004-09-25 15:49:20
My biggest problem with this idea is that not only is the parent out the time and effort of cleaning out the room, but then also has to foot the monthly bill for a storage unit? And the kid gets out of doing anything...which was their intention in the first place!!
Posted by: poetmom
Posted on: 2004-09-25 15:49:20
My biggest problem with this idea is that not only is the parent out the time and effort of cleaning out the room, but then also has to foot the monthly bill for a storage unit? And the kid gets out of doing anything...which was their intention in the first place!!
Trash It
Posted by: ra11en
Posted on: 2004-09-22 13:13:29
You could always do what my mom did - if we didn't have our room clean by the time she asked us to the first infraction was just losing the stuff we had left on the floor. For NO reason would she give it back to us until we earned it back, and it was only a piece at a time. If we did it again she would get a garbage bag and literally throw away everything we left on the floor. Trust me, she only got to do that once before we learned our lesson. It made her angry to throw things away that she paid money for but teaching us to listen to her when she told us to do something was more important. We valued what she threw away a whole lot more than she did.
She would throw away our shoes, clothes, toys, anything that was on the floor (not including school books and what not). Now that I'm 25 and on my own I STILL keep my room clean. :) I keep threatening my fiance that if he doesn't clean up after himself I'll start throwing his stuff away.
Posted by: ra11en
Posted on: 2004-09-22 13:13:29
You could always do what my mom did - if we didn't have our room clean by the time she asked us to the first infraction was just losing the stuff we had left on the floor. For NO reason would she give it back to us until we earned it back, and it was only a piece at a time. If we did it again she would get a garbage bag and literally throw away everything we left on the floor. Trust me, she only got to do that once before we learned our lesson. It made her angry to throw things away that she paid money for but teaching us to listen to her when she told us to do something was more important. We valued what she threw away a whole lot more than she did.
She would throw away our shoes, clothes, toys, anything that was on the floor (not including school books and what not). Now that I'm 25 and on my own I STILL keep my room clean. :) I keep threatening my fiance that if he doesn't clean up after himself I'll start throwing his stuff away.
Did it..Didn't work!
Posted by: drward72
Posted on: 2004-09-22 16:49:02
Okay..I have a 4 year old son and have thrown away three black garbage bags full of toys that he would not pick up off of his floor and now I am going through the same thing with my daughter. I tell them to go clean their rooms and all I hear is...I'm tired, I don't want that anyways, Bubba/sister made that mess in my room, etc. I am tired of yelling, tired of standing in the hallway with the wooden spoon threatening them and for sure I am tired of throwing toys in the trash can!! What do I do to get the rooms cleaned up the first time I ask for it to be done?
I feel totally helpless.
Posted by: drward72
Posted on: 2004-09-22 16:49:02
Okay..I have a 4 year old son and have thrown away three black garbage bags full of toys that he would not pick up off of his floor and now I am going through the same thing with my daughter. I tell them to go clean their rooms and all I hear is...I'm tired, I don't want that anyways, Bubba/sister made that mess in my room, etc. I am tired of yelling, tired of standing in the hallway with the wooden spoon threatening them and for sure I am tired of throwing toys in the trash can!! What do I do to get the rooms cleaned up the first time I ask for it to be done?
I feel totally helpless.
RE: Helpless
Posted by: michaelalm
Posted on: 2004-09-23 07:55:36
If the kid complains of fatigue, send it to bed. But it seems that the toys are not the child's "currency" (I'm stealing Dr. Phil's very appropriate wording). Furthermore, I'd buy no other toys. Let the child live in a room similar to a hospital room. Bed, some clothes, no pics, white walls. I'm certain it very soon will discover the world of the great outdoors and play with rocks and sticks (like us, and wasn't it great? no cleaning up!)
I'm amazed how much junk kids own nowadays! No wonder they are completely overwhelmed.
Hang in there, you can do this. Just find whatever the kid values in life. Keep in mind, we all have a price!
Posted by: michaelalm
Posted on: 2004-09-23 07:55:36
If the kid complains of fatigue, send it to bed. But it seems that the toys are not the child's "currency" (I'm stealing Dr. Phil's very appropriate wording). Furthermore, I'd buy no other toys. Let the child live in a room similar to a hospital room. Bed, some clothes, no pics, white walls. I'm certain it very soon will discover the world of the great outdoors and play with rocks and sticks (like us, and wasn't it great? no cleaning up!)
I'm amazed how much junk kids own nowadays! No wonder they are completely overwhelmed.
Hang in there, you can do this. Just find whatever the kid values in life. Keep in mind, we all have a price!
