04/15 Extreme Envy
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Posted by: silly2u
Posted on: 2005-04-14 08:54:38
Gosh I am surprised to be the first one to post here. Maybe it is me afterall with the problem. I have been with my husband for 16 years, we have kids together and he is a good man and good provider, and also, very good looking. I fell in love w/his good looks and his silly personality. The thing is I have always noticed that other women love this quality too w/him. We can be walking and woman stare at him or even smile at him. Here is what hurts so much, he looks back and even at times, smiled back. We can be out to dinner and he will be talking to me and while he is talking, he will be looking over my head and when I turn to look, there is always a woman there that he is looking at. There is times we will be giving an order off the menu and when the waitress turns to walk away, my husband looks at her butt. I will tell you, it makes me feel ugly and invisible and lately furious! I have even walked out when he acts this way. Well, we have been to counseling 3 times and ya know what? They tell me they want to work w/me! they think it is something to do w/my childhood! I had a beautiful childhood and great parents! They want to work on my self esteem. I tell them that yes, it has gone away because of my husband! I can't even watch tv with him anymore, every commercial is about some half dressed female, or very sexual. I now leave my shirt on when we are together in bed, I don't look anything like the girls he looks at. I admit, I am a very pretty lady, not glamorous, but pretty and I do dress up for him and take time on myself, so that can't be the problem. I am in tears daily over this and am lost what to do, obviously no counseling has helped, so I give up doing that. I truly feel my husband has the problem w/his ego and seems to be attracted to other women, of course he say's I am crazy and need help. Again, in all other areas, my husband is just wonderful. It is just this one issue and now the time has come and my husband say's he can't take my jelousy anymore and he wants to leave. He swears he is in love w/me, he says he doesn't even realize he is doing this. Well after fighting about it for 16 years, wouldn't you think he realizes it? He even checks out women in other cars, we can pull up to a red light and he will go out of his way to see who is next to us. We quit going to church, because he scopes the place and it makes me feel terrible. I am to a point that I scope out the place first and when I see a pretty girl coming our way, I watch him and when he checks her out I blow up. So now I feel like maybe I am the crazy one. I search the internet to help myself, I read books and watch shows like Dr.Phil and this is a subject I never seem to find info on. Am I crazy? I am sick of worrying and hurting.
Posted by: silly2u
Posted on: 2005-04-14 08:54:38
Gosh I am surprised to be the first one to post here. Maybe it is me afterall with the problem. I have been with my husband for 16 years, we have kids together and he is a good man and good provider, and also, very good looking. I fell in love w/his good looks and his silly personality. The thing is I have always noticed that other women love this quality too w/him. We can be walking and woman stare at him or even smile at him. Here is what hurts so much, he looks back and even at times, smiled back. We can be out to dinner and he will be talking to me and while he is talking, he will be looking over my head and when I turn to look, there is always a woman there that he is looking at. There is times we will be giving an order off the menu and when the waitress turns to walk away, my husband looks at her butt. I will tell you, it makes me feel ugly and invisible and lately furious! I have even walked out when he acts this way. Well, we have been to counseling 3 times and ya know what? They tell me they want to work w/me! they think it is something to do w/my childhood! I had a beautiful childhood and great parents! They want to work on my self esteem. I tell them that yes, it has gone away because of my husband! I can't even watch tv with him anymore, every commercial is about some half dressed female, or very sexual. I now leave my shirt on when we are together in bed, I don't look anything like the girls he looks at. I admit, I am a very pretty lady, not glamorous, but pretty and I do dress up for him and take time on myself, so that can't be the problem. I am in tears daily over this and am lost what to do, obviously no counseling has helped, so I give up doing that. I truly feel my husband has the problem w/his ego and seems to be attracted to other women, of course he say's I am crazy and need help. Again, in all other areas, my husband is just wonderful. It is just this one issue and now the time has come and my husband say's he can't take my jelousy anymore and he wants to leave. He swears he is in love w/me, he says he doesn't even realize he is doing this. Well after fighting about it for 16 years, wouldn't you think he realizes it? He even checks out women in other cars, we can pull up to a red light and he will go out of his way to see who is next to us. We quit going to church, because he scopes the place and it makes me feel terrible. I am to a point that I scope out the place first and when I see a pretty girl coming our way, I watch him and when he checks her out I blow up. So now I feel like maybe I am the crazy one. I search the internet to help myself, I read books and watch shows like Dr.Phil and this is a subject I never seem to find info on. Am I crazy? I am sick of worrying and hurting.
Men is a pig!
Posted by: azngirl26
Posted on: 2005-04-15 09:26:24
I communicate with my husband very often when it comes to other women..I told him do not disrespect me when I'm with you and you stare at another women..its ok to look but not google.. I'm very glad I haven't seen him do such thing to me when I'm around. I always warn him before anything we do cause I don't want to hear him say oh you didn't say anything to me about it so I thought its ok..I got smart on this subject..and I have been telling him things ahead of time before it get out of hand.. or even get started.. :)
Posted by: azngirl26
Posted on: 2005-04-15 09:26:24
I communicate with my husband very often when it comes to other women..I told him do not disrespect me when I'm with you and you stare at another women..its ok to look but not google.. I'm very glad I haven't seen him do such thing to me when I'm around. I always warn him before anything we do cause I don't want to hear him say oh you didn't say anything to me about it so I thought its ok..I got smart on this subject..and I have been telling him things ahead of time before it get out of hand.. or even get started.. :)
Wow
Posted by: amjudo
Posted on: 2005-04-15 09:56:40
This sounds awfully controlling and I'm not sure that would help. I think it would add another issue in your life that you would need to work on. ???
Posted by: amjudo
Posted on: 2005-04-15 09:56:40
This sounds awfully controlling and I'm not sure that would help. I think it would add another issue in your life that you would need to work on. ???
R U serious?
Posted by: futurern08
Posted on: 2005-04-16 11:43:13
Why would you be with someone that you have to tell how to act? I am glad you demand respect, but are you truly respected if every outting has a peep talk prior to going? This can not make you happy and if it does, maybe you do have control issues!
Posted by: futurern08
Posted on: 2005-04-16 11:43:13
Why would you be with someone that you have to tell how to act? I am glad you demand respect, but are you truly respected if every outting has a peep talk prior to going? This can not make you happy and if it does, maybe you do have control issues!
futuren08
Posted by: azngirl26
Posted on: 2005-04-17 13:21:58
I do have control over of what i want but as being control of anyone isn't in my dictionary..how mature are you assuming I might have control issue without asking for more information?
Posted by: azngirl26
Posted on: 2005-04-17 13:21:58
I do have control over of what i want but as being control of anyone isn't in my dictionary..how mature are you assuming I might have control issue without asking for more information?
Ironic
Posted by: amjudo
Posted on: 2005-04-15 09:53:22
I find it ironic that so many of us women feel this way and yet we have such different situations. (currently) I belive it has everything to do with our childhood, past, etc. My husband does none of those things you mentioned, and yet I have conjured up an entire relationship between him and a co-worker of his. I know it's my own insecurities, what I don't know is what to do about it. I think for those of us who realize what's really going on, just need to know where to go next. If you find the way, please share.
Posted by: amjudo
Posted on: 2005-04-15 09:53:22
I find it ironic that so many of us women feel this way and yet we have such different situations. (currently) I belive it has everything to do with our childhood, past, etc. My husband does none of those things you mentioned, and yet I have conjured up an entire relationship between him and a co-worker of his. I know it's my own insecurities, what I don't know is what to do about it. I think for those of us who realize what's really going on, just need to know where to go next. If you find the way, please share.
Posted by: tjm5039
Posted on: 2005-04-16 07:01:24
Wow ,you sound EXACTLY like me.......When you find a solution let me know. i had no idea other women did this.
Posted by: dam569
Posted on: 2005-04-16 15:43:18
i agree with that i have always felt like it was just me, i also need a solution when you guys come up with one because this is killing me
Posted by: dam569
Posted on: 2005-04-16 15:48:44
i agree with that i have always felt like it was just me, i also need a solution when you guys come up with one because this is killing me
Ditto
Posted by: bekah915
Posted on: 2005-04-18 22:08:51
I feel the exact same way. I was crying the whole time this woman was on the show. I always thought it was just me and I never know what to do about it because it hurts so much. It's really hard to live this way but I've always been like this. I really need a solution also. I'm so glad that all of you wrote in also. I don't feel so alone anymore. Thanks and good luck to all.
Posted by: bekah915
Posted on: 2005-04-18 22:08:51
I feel the exact same way. I was crying the whole time this woman was on the show. I always thought it was just me and I never know what to do about it because it hurts so much. It's really hard to live this way but I've always been like this. I really need a solution also. I'm so glad that all of you wrote in also. I don't feel so alone anymore. Thanks and good luck to all.
it is guile
Posted by: dnatpm
Posted on: 2005-04-18 23:29:31
I have a beautiful friend, model type beauty. When she enters a room everyone stares at her because she is so beautiful. She notices people staring at her and becomes very self conscious. She thinks they are staring because she is a freak, too tall, too thin, too flat, too hippy, you get the picture. She assumes people are judging her but she has no evidence that they think negatively of her. She thinks poorly of them even though she has no evidence. I know a lady who was crazy jeolous of her husband and thought for sure he was probably seeing someone even though he was good and kind and loving to her in every way. One day he failed to come home from work on time. She was frantic with jeolousy. Hours passed, her husband could not be reached at work or on his phone. As time passed she was going crazy. Where was he? As bed time approached she heard the phone ring. She flew to the phone, ready to let him have it, only to hear an officer on the other end asking her to come to the hospital, her husband had been seriously injured in an accident on his way home from work. She had no evidence to believe he was doing wrong, yet she thought poorly of him, Instead of spending so much time thinking poorly of the person you love, try loving the person and thinking the best of them. Be without any guile.
Posted by: dnatpm
Posted on: 2005-04-18 23:29:31
I have a beautiful friend, model type beauty. When she enters a room everyone stares at her because she is so beautiful. She notices people staring at her and becomes very self conscious. She thinks they are staring because she is a freak, too tall, too thin, too flat, too hippy, you get the picture. She assumes people are judging her but she has no evidence that they think negatively of her. She thinks poorly of them even though she has no evidence. I know a lady who was crazy jeolous of her husband and thought for sure he was probably seeing someone even though he was good and kind and loving to her in every way. One day he failed to come home from work on time. She was frantic with jeolousy. Hours passed, her husband could not be reached at work or on his phone. As time passed she was going crazy. Where was he? As bed time approached she heard the phone ring. She flew to the phone, ready to let him have it, only to hear an officer on the other end asking her to come to the hospital, her husband had been seriously injured in an accident on his way home from work. She had no evidence to believe he was doing wrong, yet she thought poorly of him, Instead of spending so much time thinking poorly of the person you love, try loving the person and thinking the best of them. Be without any guile.
I can relate!
Posted by: skellybyrd
Posted on: 2005-04-15 09:56:40
I have been married to my husband for 30 years and this has always been an issue to me. My husband doesn't make quite the effort yours does at looking at other women, but he is certainly blatant about it and always has been. You would think that if they have to look they could at least TRY not to be so obvious about it. It does make you feel terrible. I feel inferior in many ways every time I see my husband do this. I am sure Dr. Phil will tell us that we are the ones with the problem and maybe that's true. I found out not long ago that my husband has been going to lunch with a woman my daughters age for two years without telling me. I found out by accident and confronted him. He can't understand why I have a problem with it. I don't understand why you would keep something like that from your spouse if there is nothing to hide. We have gone back and forth over this for some time so he finally agreed not to lunch with her, but now I don't trust him. Of course there is much more to the story and I don't have room to get into it all, but I guess my point is that worrying and being jealous does make you sick and can make feel crazy. I don't want to be a jealous person, but I don't want to be stupid either. I don't want to be the last person to know if my spouse is being unfaithful and I also don't want to worry myself sick over it either. We have tried counseling and we have tried talking, but we never seem to work it out. I feel your pain!
Posted by: skellybyrd
Posted on: 2005-04-15 09:56:40
I have been married to my husband for 30 years and this has always been an issue to me. My husband doesn't make quite the effort yours does at looking at other women, but he is certainly blatant about it and always has been. You would think that if they have to look they could at least TRY not to be so obvious about it. It does make you feel terrible. I feel inferior in many ways every time I see my husband do this. I am sure Dr. Phil will tell us that we are the ones with the problem and maybe that's true. I found out not long ago that my husband has been going to lunch with a woman my daughters age for two years without telling me. I found out by accident and confronted him. He can't understand why I have a problem with it. I don't understand why you would keep something like that from your spouse if there is nothing to hide. We have gone back and forth over this for some time so he finally agreed not to lunch with her, but now I don't trust him. Of course there is much more to the story and I don't have room to get into it all, but I guess my point is that worrying and being jealous does make you sick and can make feel crazy. I don't want to be a jealous person, but I don't want to be stupid either. I don't want to be the last person to know if my spouse is being unfaithful and I also don't want to worry myself sick over it either. We have tried counseling and we have tried talking, but we never seem to work it out. I feel your pain!
He will end up hateing her
Posted by: imbeth859
Posted on: 2005-04-15 16:45:04
I can relate to the husband here. I was married for 11 years to a man who would go into a rage if I looked at a man on T.V. I would run into guy's I went to school with, and if they spoke to me I would shake my head "NO" to keep them from letting him hear them talking to me. If I spoke back to them and he heard it, I listened to weeks of accusing, suspecion, gripping and fussing. It was a living hell to listen to this everyday for 11 whole years. I even had to wake him if I got up in the midd. of the night to use the bathroom. When I left him, the sight of him made me sick! I couldn't stand him, or to see his vehicle in the driveway. If it was there I would ride a round hoping he would just leave....This man will end up hating his wife if she keeps this up. I went through 11 years of mental abuse, and I did it solely for my children! I wish now I had left him earlier. Sincerly, Beth in Georgia
Posted by: imbeth859
Posted on: 2005-04-15 16:45:04
I can relate to the husband here. I was married for 11 years to a man who would go into a rage if I looked at a man on T.V. I would run into guy's I went to school with, and if they spoke to me I would shake my head "NO" to keep them from letting him hear them talking to me. If I spoke back to them and he heard it, I listened to weeks of accusing, suspecion, gripping and fussing. It was a living hell to listen to this everyday for 11 whole years. I even had to wake him if I got up in the midd. of the night to use the bathroom. When I left him, the sight of him made me sick! I couldn't stand him, or to see his vehicle in the driveway. If it was there I would ride a round hoping he would just leave....This man will end up hating his wife if she keeps this up. I went through 11 years of mental abuse, and I did it solely for my children! I wish now I had left him earlier. Sincerly, Beth in Georgia
ditto
Posted by: boredowell
Posted on: 2005-04-15 20:43:36
Beth, I too can relate! I watched today and I know so well what that man was going through; and according to Phil, I made the same mistakes. As for my "X", I remember the good times we had and also how short lived they were because of her jealous, controlling personality! Moved ON!!! Scott /Atlanta
Posted by: boredowell
Posted on: 2005-04-15 20:43:36
Beth, I too can relate! I watched today and I know so well what that man was going through; and according to Phil, I made the same mistakes. As for my "X", I remember the good times we had and also how short lived they were because of her jealous, controlling personality! Moved ON!!! Scott /Atlanta
ditto twice
Posted by: pat1345
Posted on: 2005-04-15 22:39:27
I can relate, too. I lived with a guy for 5 years that hovered over me constantly. Everyday when I got home fom work it was "Who are you seeing? What are you doing? What do I need to know? Who are you screwing?" He'd stand over me when I was on the phone, call me at work. He'd phyically stop me from taking my own car, insisting on driving me to work. Then wouldn't show up for hours after I was off, leaving me waiting. I was called every filthy name in the book. he wouldn't leave, though! He threatened to follow if I left or kill me. Finally, I didn't care anymore. Even killing me would be better than the way I lived.
When he was picked up on a child support warrant, I got a male caretaker (I lived on a remote ranch) and he finally left me alone.
People who think jealousy equates to love are way off mark. I couldn't stand his version of love and never regretted getting the hell out of there.
I've been married to a wonderful, trusting, supportive man for 12 years. I'm confident he loves me and I couldn't care less if he checks out the waitress' butt:)
Posted by: pat1345
Posted on: 2005-04-15 22:39:27
I can relate, too. I lived with a guy for 5 years that hovered over me constantly. Everyday when I got home fom work it was "Who are you seeing? What are you doing? What do I need to know? Who are you screwing?" He'd stand over me when I was on the phone, call me at work. He'd phyically stop me from taking my own car, insisting on driving me to work. Then wouldn't show up for hours after I was off, leaving me waiting. I was called every filthy name in the book. he wouldn't leave, though! He threatened to follow if I left or kill me. Finally, I didn't care anymore. Even killing me would be better than the way I lived.
When he was picked up on a child support warrant, I got a male caretaker (I lived on a remote ranch) and he finally left me alone.
People who think jealousy equates to love are way off mark. I couldn't stand his version of love and never regretted getting the hell out of there.
I've been married to a wonderful, trusting, supportive man for 12 years. I'm confident he loves me and I couldn't care less if he checks out the waitress' butt:)
Trap!
Posted by: patiencern
Posted on: 2005-04-16 11:29:41
I would gnaw my leg off to get out of a trap like that! Why would you want to own another person or control their thoughts? She is not going to change. He needs to run as fast as he can from that crazy woman. My husband used to act like that,checking up on me constantly, and I finally told him," If anything happens to the man I have now, I sure don't want another one. So knock it off!"
Posted by: patiencern
Posted on: 2005-04-16 11:29:41
I would gnaw my leg off to get out of a trap like that! Why would you want to own another person or control their thoughts? She is not going to change. He needs to run as fast as he can from that crazy woman. My husband used to act like that,checking up on me constantly, and I finally told him," If anything happens to the man I have now, I sure don't want another one. So knock it off!"
to I can relate
Posted by: freeguilt
Posted on: 2005-04-15 20:56:49
Read freeguilt post. My husband also had get togethers with what he called FRIENDS for a long time. Soon I learned he was having a get together when out of town over night, a friend when I caught him. Soon I caught him in full blown affairs. Sorry if they are keeping secrets from you they are either having emotional affairs that will one day lead to real affairs. Lying is lying no matter what the subject.
Posted by: freeguilt
Posted on: 2005-04-15 20:56:49
Read freeguilt post. My husband also had get togethers with what he called FRIENDS for a long time. Soon I learned he was having a get together when out of town over night, a friend when I caught him. Soon I caught him in full blown affairs. Sorry if they are keeping secrets from you they are either having emotional affairs that will one day lead to real affairs. Lying is lying no matter what the subject.
Bottom line
Posted by: futurern08
Posted on: 2005-04-16 11:49:49
WE can not control anyone else. Stressing and worrying is not going to decide/change if a man/women cheats or not. Just make sure you are confident with yourself, so no matter what happens you can successfully deal with it. Another persons actions does not reflect what kind of person you are!!!!
Posted by: futurern08
Posted on: 2005-04-16 11:49:49
WE can not control anyone else. Stressing and worrying is not going to decide/change if a man/women cheats or not. Just make sure you are confident with yourself, so no matter what happens you can successfully deal with it. Another persons actions does not reflect what kind of person you are!!!!
sorry
Posted by: bekah915
Posted on: 2005-04-18 22:27:29
It breaks my heart to hear you story. I wish I could tell you what to do. I can tell you that you are not crazy and that what your husband is doing is wrong. I think what Dr. Phil meant when he was talking to the woman on the show that it would not be ok for him to OGLE other women but her husband wasn't doing that. He was just saying she should be able to watch tv or go out with him without feeling like she does. So you are not crazy or wrong to feel hurt and upset. Best of luck in your situation. I hope he shapes up and all is salvaged, just know that you are NOT in the wrong in this.
Posted by: bekah915
Posted on: 2005-04-18 22:27:29
It breaks my heart to hear you story. I wish I could tell you what to do. I can tell you that you are not crazy and that what your husband is doing is wrong. I think what Dr. Phil meant when he was talking to the woman on the show that it would not be ok for him to OGLE other women but her husband wasn't doing that. He was just saying she should be able to watch tv or go out with him without feeling like she does. So you are not crazy or wrong to feel hurt and upset. Best of luck in your situation. I hope he shapes up and all is salvaged, just know that you are NOT in the wrong in this.
