01/21 Letting Go of Love
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8Dumped online,after 8 months
Posted by: dparsia
Posted on: 2005-01-20 09:55:11
I met a man online in the Yahoo personals,about 8 months ago. We were both excited and seemed to fall head over heals in love. M.lives in MD,and I VT. We met in July and we were very happy,and had a lot in common. We spoke on telephone nearly every day and online. M was first to say he loved me,He told me he loved me and missed me every day.I was supposed to fly to MD for the holidays to spend Christams with him. I sent him an early Christmas card and a gift,and told him I was looking forward tospending the holidays with him. Instead I did not hear from him for weeks!! I became very concerned,called him an emailed him. He did not return my calls or answer my emails.We never argued,we always got along well.I called his work,and he had taken the week off! I finally got an email from him,saying he was sorry,he had sex with someone and long distance was to hard. He also said that he loved me and his feelings were real,and what we had was special! I emailed him back and left him a message that I was hurt,yet willing to not let this ruin whatwe have,and thatI would be willing to come there and even move there,(I said this before),but that we needed to spend time together. I told him if he thought what we had was special and he loved me,then I was willing to put this behind us and work things out.He never responded to me.
I am so very hurt,confused,sad. i was left wondering why would he say he loved me and do this to me ,and during the holidays. He said I made him happy,was he leading me on all this time?? I wondered. I am so brocken hearted. I feel dumped,and it does not make sense.
I am divorced single mother of a 16 year old and a 20year old. My 16 year old daughter lives with me. My son is in LA,in college. M,works for IBM,and he is divorced,has a 14 year old son,part time. Everything seemed great.I am devastated. I am afaid to love again. M.I don't think he was honest with me.I really loved this man.
Posted by: dparsia
Posted on: 2005-01-20 09:55:11
I met a man online in the Yahoo personals,about 8 months ago. We were both excited and seemed to fall head over heals in love. M.lives in MD,and I VT. We met in July and we were very happy,and had a lot in common. We spoke on telephone nearly every day and online. M was first to say he loved me,He told me he loved me and missed me every day.I was supposed to fly to MD for the holidays to spend Christams with him. I sent him an early Christmas card and a gift,and told him I was looking forward tospending the holidays with him. Instead I did not hear from him for weeks!! I became very concerned,called him an emailed him. He did not return my calls or answer my emails.We never argued,we always got along well.I called his work,and he had taken the week off! I finally got an email from him,saying he was sorry,he had sex with someone and long distance was to hard. He also said that he loved me and his feelings were real,and what we had was special! I emailed him back and left him a message that I was hurt,yet willing to not let this ruin whatwe have,and thatI would be willing to come there and even move there,(I said this before),but that we needed to spend time together. I told him if he thought what we had was special and he loved me,then I was willing to put this behind us and work things out.He never responded to me.
I am so very hurt,confused,sad. i was left wondering why would he say he loved me and do this to me ,and during the holidays. He said I made him happy,was he leading me on all this time?? I wondered. I am so brocken hearted. I feel dumped,and it does not make sense.
I am divorced single mother of a 16 year old and a 20year old. My 16 year old daughter lives with me. My son is in LA,in college. M,works for IBM,and he is divorced,has a 14 year old son,part time. Everything seemed great.I am devastated. I am afaid to love again. M.I don't think he was honest with me.I really loved this man.
It takes t ime
Posted by: lemon29445
Posted on: 2005-01-20 12:58:14
Listen, it's really is all about time. I know you don't see it now or feel it. But it's going to take time to get over this man, but it can be done. You do have to think of it this way, It waan't meant to be, and God has something better for you. When the right man comes into yourlife you will not know how to spell your ex name. I was married to a man I met in college we dated for over two years. We waited four years to have our first daughter, and three and half years for our son. I was madly in love with my ex husband I loved him uncondtional. In the first years of my daughter's life he cheated on me. Out of his cheating there was a child. That child is 8 months older then my son. My husband moved me to another state, and after 3 weeks he told me if I wanted to stay I needed to sign the lease, because he was leaving. He told lots of people including his family that my son wasn't his. During this time my ex husband was cheating on me. He had his Mistress had sex in our home, with my daughter there. I worked nights so that we didn't have to pay day care. When I went to work, my husband and Mistress ate the dinner I lefted for him and our daughter. So I went a whole nine months without the support of my husband, and I had to take care of my daughter. I was at the all time low. I was faced with being the head of the household, and scared crazy. I didn't distrust men, but I was finished for a long time. Lots of people said it takes time, and that I will meet Mr. Right. It has been 12 years now, I haven't been lucky yet to meet Mr. Right, but I am a better person now. I do realize I am better without him. I wouldn't be the mother that I am today with someone in my life like that. I do believe things happen for a reason. When my ex calls I today thank him for leaving me. He is now married to his mistress, and they still have the one child. I guess I am saying all this to say. You will be alright. Schedule yourself one weekend to get this man out of your system, cry, yell do whatever you have to. After that weekend you starting putting one foot in front of the other. And believe that this guy did you a favor. The love you showed him, someone else will appreicate it. You'll get over this.Take the time out to take care you, so when the right man comes you will be more then ready to recieve his love, and to give love. Remember if you two didn't end up together there's a reason.Take care, and be safe.
Posted by: lemon29445
Posted on: 2005-01-20 12:58:14
Listen, it's really is all about time. I know you don't see it now or feel it. But it's going to take time to get over this man, but it can be done. You do have to think of it this way, It waan't meant to be, and God has something better for you. When the right man comes into yourlife you will not know how to spell your ex name. I was married to a man I met in college we dated for over two years. We waited four years to have our first daughter, and three and half years for our son. I was madly in love with my ex husband I loved him uncondtional. In the first years of my daughter's life he cheated on me. Out of his cheating there was a child. That child is 8 months older then my son. My husband moved me to another state, and after 3 weeks he told me if I wanted to stay I needed to sign the lease, because he was leaving. He told lots of people including his family that my son wasn't his. During this time my ex husband was cheating on me. He had his Mistress had sex in our home, with my daughter there. I worked nights so that we didn't have to pay day care. When I went to work, my husband and Mistress ate the dinner I lefted for him and our daughter. So I went a whole nine months without the support of my husband, and I had to take care of my daughter. I was at the all time low. I was faced with being the head of the household, and scared crazy. I didn't distrust men, but I was finished for a long time. Lots of people said it takes time, and that I will meet Mr. Right. It has been 12 years now, I haven't been lucky yet to meet Mr. Right, but I am a better person now. I do realize I am better without him. I wouldn't be the mother that I am today with someone in my life like that. I do believe things happen for a reason. When my ex calls I today thank him for leaving me. He is now married to his mistress, and they still have the one child. I guess I am saying all this to say. You will be alright. Schedule yourself one weekend to get this man out of your system, cry, yell do whatever you have to. After that weekend you starting putting one foot in front of the other. And believe that this guy did you a favor. The love you showed him, someone else will appreicate it. You'll get over this.Take the time out to take care you, so when the right man comes you will be more then ready to recieve his love, and to give love. Remember if you two didn't end up together there's a reason.Take care, and be safe.
EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABILITY - ONE WAY RELATIONSHIPS
Posted by: anon_slcut
Posted on: 2005-01-21 12:11:28
To help you restore your faith in meeting a kind, understanding, compassion, respectful, giving person with cooperative character traits you may be interested in reading the following:
Why Is It Always About You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss and James Masterson OR Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin
Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier
Stop Walking on Eggshells; Coping When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. Mason, Randi Kreger
Emotional Unavailability: Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap by Bryn C. Collins
There really are mentally healthy supportive people in this world. You probably just need to get better at identifying and making yourself available to them.
Hope it helps!
Posted by: anon_slcut
Posted on: 2005-01-21 12:11:28
To help you restore your faith in meeting a kind, understanding, compassion, respectful, giving person with cooperative character traits you may be interested in reading the following:
Why Is It Always About You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss and James Masterson OR Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin
Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier
Stop Walking on Eggshells; Coping When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. Mason, Randi Kreger
Emotional Unavailability: Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap by Bryn C. Collins
There really are mentally healthy supportive people in this world. You probably just need to get better at identifying and making yourself available to them.
Hope it helps!
Posted by: jooper
Posted on: 2005-01-21 12:57:24
I've been married for 13 years. I really really need to divorce my husband. We've had a very passionate relationship..passionat in love and passionate in fighting. I know how I have contributed to the downfall of the marriage but he has done things that I don't think I can ever ever get over. He doesn't want me to divorce him now and begs me not to which makes me feel bad. I almost feel like I need someone to tell me to leave the marriage and that I'm making the right decision. We have three kids and I feel bad taking them away from him. However, he has in the past been so verbally abusive to me it made me feel like nothing. He's pushed me around before as well..physical but not to the point of having bruises all over me. He is addicted to internet pornography although he has stopped for the past few weeks in an effort to show me he can stop. The pictures he looks at and the girls he talks to online are all around 16-19 years old. He is 38. I also found out a few months ago that he had been having erotic fantasies about my 16 year old daughter. He adopted her and rationalized by saying that she wasn't biologically his... He said he knew it was wrong to have these thoughts and he would stop. I sought help immediately to make sure my daughter was not in danger. My doctor told me that he needed to get therapy for his sexual addiction. NOTE: He has never abused my daughters in anyway. They have all been talked to and my doctor doesn't believe that has taken place. She said that she worried about the possibility of him becoming voyeuristic with my oldest daughter if he wasn't able to stop his addiction and do something about it. He refuses because he's an officer in the military and is afraid someone will find out. I think he's making excuses not to go. He tells me that he'll stop everything and he's strong enough to stop it on his own but I'm afraid that he may stop temporarily but that 6 months from now we'll be in the same boat. I need to stop feeling sorry for him. I dont' know why I feel sorry for him but I do. I want to let go of him.
From One Officer's Wife to Another
Posted by: petra55
Posted on: 2005-01-21 18:20:44
I was married to an Army Officer for 30 years...I kept hoping that things would get better....I kept believing his promises...I tried everything: read every book, went to therapists, tried to ignore the abuse, tried to leave, left, came back several times...I just couldn't get it through my head that I was married to an abusive man who was never going to change. He was the perfect Officer and gentleman in public...he always put work and others in front of his family...he kept telling me that he loved me, but his actions belied his words.
The fact is that these kind of abusive, narcissistic, and addictive men will never change. They thrive on power, control and getting their way.
I know how hard it is to leave - especially when you have children but it is not helping to subject them to the abuse. Seeing you unhappy will change them forever.
Listen to that little voice inside...if you feel that he is stepping over your moral boundaries...he is. If you feel bad about the way he treats you or the things he does -
chances are you need to get out. Trust me - he won't. At least not voluntarily. He may not "love you" (the way you want to be loved) but, he loves having a family. It looks good.
However, keep in mind that Army Officers do not want their bosses to find out...it's a card you can play if you want a fair separation.
If you want to write: petragerbr@aol.com
Wishing you the best.
Posted by: petra55
Posted on: 2005-01-21 18:20:44
I was married to an Army Officer for 30 years...I kept hoping that things would get better....I kept believing his promises...I tried everything: read every book, went to therapists, tried to ignore the abuse, tried to leave, left, came back several times...I just couldn't get it through my head that I was married to an abusive man who was never going to change. He was the perfect Officer and gentleman in public...he always put work and others in front of his family...he kept telling me that he loved me, but his actions belied his words.
The fact is that these kind of abusive, narcissistic, and addictive men will never change. They thrive on power, control and getting their way.
I know how hard it is to leave - especially when you have children but it is not helping to subject them to the abuse. Seeing you unhappy will change them forever.
Listen to that little voice inside...if you feel that he is stepping over your moral boundaries...he is. If you feel bad about the way he treats you or the things he does -
chances are you need to get out. Trust me - he won't. At least not voluntarily. He may not "love you" (the way you want to be loved) but, he loves having a family. It looks good.
However, keep in mind that Army Officers do not want their bosses to find out...it's a card you can play if you want a fair separation.
If you want to write: petragerbr@aol.com
Wishing you the best.
how do you change?
Posted by: mugocoffee
Posted on: 2005-01-21 20:51:03
When you have lived with an abusive husband,
they destroy your self esteem to the point
that when I finally got out ( and that was with my children reporting the abuse to their teachers and I got help to stay safe.)
You have no idea who you are and you think
that you are not good enough for anything or anybody ever.
How do you get over that? and how do you not compromise yourself by going into any relationship after just to feel someone loves you whether it is healthy or not?
Posted by: mugocoffee
Posted on: 2005-01-21 20:51:03
When you have lived with an abusive husband,
they destroy your self esteem to the point
that when I finally got out ( and that was with my children reporting the abuse to their teachers and I got help to stay safe.)
You have no idea who you are and you think
that you are not good enough for anything or anybody ever.
How do you get over that? and how do you not compromise yourself by going into any relationship after just to feel someone loves you whether it is healthy or not?
To mugocoffee,you matter!!
Posted by: dparsia
Posted on: 2005-01-25 21:51:21
I empathize with you,and having survived an abusive marriage,many years ago..it takes time...Find a support group for battered woman. Talking with other woman who have been there can be helpful,and supportive.
Focus on your self and doing things that enrich you and your childrens lives. Find something that you enjoy,or take a class.Make sure to take time for your self. Learn to love yourself again. Your children love you and need you,and will learn from you.Remember you are worthy of love and that you deserve better.The relationship part is a little more challenging,if you keep busy,the lonliness takes a back seat,and hopefully by the time the new man comes along,you will remember the red flags,if they come your way.There are decent men out there. Don't settle!! Have you read Dr. Phils book,Self Matters?Very empowering!
Posted by: dparsia
Posted on: 2005-01-25 21:51:21
I empathize with you,and having survived an abusive marriage,many years ago..it takes time...Find a support group for battered woman. Talking with other woman who have been there can be helpful,and supportive.
Focus on your self and doing things that enrich you and your childrens lives. Find something that you enjoy,or take a class.Make sure to take time for your self. Learn to love yourself again. Your children love you and need you,and will learn from you.Remember you are worthy of love and that you deserve better.The relationship part is a little more challenging,if you keep busy,the lonliness takes a back seat,and hopefully by the time the new man comes along,you will remember the red flags,if they come your way.There are decent men out there. Don't settle!! Have you read Dr. Phils book,Self Matters?Very empowering!
IT IS SO SCARY
Posted by: mugocoffee
Posted on: 2005-01-28 09:44:18
I think I just have no idea where to start
and everytime I feel like I actually like myself or think that I'm ok. Something is said or happens that throws me back to the bottom of the pit again. I haven't read it yet. the few things on this web site.
I spend what money I have on my teenagers.
I just can't seem to spend money on me when there are things I should be getting for them. To go from a nice lifestyle to having almost nothing is very hard on them.
I just feel like such a failure and that I really am not worth anything but somewhere deep inside I know that this isn't true. but I feel so lost.
what do i do first? or how do you keep yourself going everyday?
thanks.
Posted by: mugocoffee
Posted on: 2005-01-28 09:44:18
I think I just have no idea where to start
and everytime I feel like I actually like myself or think that I'm ok. Something is said or happens that throws me back to the bottom of the pit again. I haven't read it yet. the few things on this web site.
I spend what money I have on my teenagers.
I just can't seem to spend money on me when there are things I should be getting for them. To go from a nice lifestyle to having almost nothing is very hard on them.
I just feel like such a failure and that I really am not worth anything but somewhere deep inside I know that this isn't true. but I feel so lost.
what do i do first? or how do you keep yourself going everyday?
thanks.
I know how you feel
Posted by: worteltje
Posted on: 2005-02-17 08:42:34
First off I want to appologize if my englisch writing is not accured but I'm trying. I know the feeling you discribe I'm feeling the same things since my man left me. Everyday you search for a reason to get up en move on, its helps having kids that I know for sure. The only thing that helps me is living day by day and doing the things that have to be done, in the evenings when my son has gone to bed I write what I'm feeling and what I did that day and thinking about happy things that I can do with the money I have to make a difference in my live and his. Because when we are happy they are happy no matter what they have. Love is pricesless and sometimes a hug from a child is worth millions. I hope we both get through this and that we can look forward to happier times in the future.
I wish you all the best and all the courage you need to get through this.
Posted by: worteltje
Posted on: 2005-02-17 08:42:34
First off I want to appologize if my englisch writing is not accured but I'm trying. I know the feeling you discribe I'm feeling the same things since my man left me. Everyday you search for a reason to get up en move on, its helps having kids that I know for sure. The only thing that helps me is living day by day and doing the things that have to be done, in the evenings when my son has gone to bed I write what I'm feeling and what I did that day and thinking about happy things that I can do with the money I have to make a difference in my live and his. Because when we are happy they are happy no matter what they have. Love is pricesless and sometimes a hug from a child is worth millions. I hope we both get through this and that we can look forward to happier times in the future.
I wish you all the best and all the courage you need to get through this.
To Officers Wife
Posted by: surfside10
Posted on: 2005-01-24 08:45:54
Sounds like you're talking about the man I married 14 years ago. It was my second marriage & I had 2 children from my previous one. I married the first time @ 17 yrs. old & pregnant. My parents are strict catholics & it was the RIGHT thing to do even though I wasn't in love & way to young. Well it finally ended. I met & married Steve 12 years later. He was alot like my own father. Very controlling. But on the outside everyone thought he was a wonderful husband & father. he always made me believe his way was best. I always felt stupid around him. Before I married him, I was raising 2 children alone had my own business & was attending college p/t. I often wonder how I allowed this to happen. I used to be such a strong person. He just verbally, mentally & emotionally beat me down daily. Every little thing that went wrong in our life was my fault. 2 days before halloween this year I happen to go online to check my cell phone minutes only to discover in one month there were over 3,637 min. on his phone to a certain #. Had my sister call the # only to find out it belonged to a 24 yr.old girl that worked for him. He had previously told me she was a lesbian. I went back to June cell phone records when he had gotten his phone & yup...there was her # from 6:15 am-8:00 every day & starting again after 5:30pm w/ a 1 or 2 hr. break before starting up again around 9 or 10:00pm when he got home. June, July, August, Sept. & Oct. He worked an hour & 40 min. from home & always worked late because he was the BOSS! Together we have a 13 yr. old daughter & 9 yr. old son.
I didn't want to believe any of this & of course he denied ever having an affair. He blamed me...I'm crazy & making a big deal out of a few phone calls. Asked him to leave on Nov. 7th. He did. Served him w/ divorce papers on Nov. 12th. He has never admitted the affair. He even swore to go to counseling, move to a warmer climate even get the kids and I a dog. (These were things he would not do or allow in the past) Then @ Christmas...actually gave me a card that said to my wife w/ love. But...he to this day has never actually said I'm sorry I made a mistake...I love you & want to be w/ you. I think he was just blown away I found out. & He never thought I would actually file for divorce. I really believe I loved the man I thought he was & the life we had. I now realize the major mistake I made & am trying to regain control of my life. Don't get me wrong...I mourn the failure of this marriage every day & cry myself to sleep every night. I am so angry & afraid of being alone & starting over. I just want to be able to sleep & eat again & have some sense of being okay again. Any words of encouragment would be greatly welcome. Thanx for taking the time to read this.
Posted by: surfside10
Posted on: 2005-01-24 08:45:54
Sounds like you're talking about the man I married 14 years ago. It was my second marriage & I had 2 children from my previous one. I married the first time @ 17 yrs. old & pregnant. My parents are strict catholics & it was the RIGHT thing to do even though I wasn't in love & way to young. Well it finally ended. I met & married Steve 12 years later. He was alot like my own father. Very controlling. But on the outside everyone thought he was a wonderful husband & father. he always made me believe his way was best. I always felt stupid around him. Before I married him, I was raising 2 children alone had my own business & was attending college p/t. I often wonder how I allowed this to happen. I used to be such a strong person. He just verbally, mentally & emotionally beat me down daily. Every little thing that went wrong in our life was my fault. 2 days before halloween this year I happen to go online to check my cell phone minutes only to discover in one month there were over 3,637 min. on his phone to a certain #. Had my sister call the # only to find out it belonged to a 24 yr.old girl that worked for him. He had previously told me she was a lesbian. I went back to June cell phone records when he had gotten his phone & yup...there was her # from 6:15 am-8:00 every day & starting again after 5:30pm w/ a 1 or 2 hr. break before starting up again around 9 or 10:00pm when he got home. June, July, August, Sept. & Oct. He worked an hour & 40 min. from home & always worked late because he was the BOSS! Together we have a 13 yr. old daughter & 9 yr. old son.
I didn't want to believe any of this & of course he denied ever having an affair. He blamed me...I'm crazy & making a big deal out of a few phone calls. Asked him to leave on Nov. 7th. He did. Served him w/ divorce papers on Nov. 12th. He has never admitted the affair. He even swore to go to counseling, move to a warmer climate even get the kids and I a dog. (These were things he would not do or allow in the past) Then @ Christmas...actually gave me a card that said to my wife w/ love. But...he to this day has never actually said I'm sorry I made a mistake...I love you & want to be w/ you. I think he was just blown away I found out. & He never thought I would actually file for divorce. I really believe I loved the man I thought he was & the life we had. I now realize the major mistake I made & am trying to regain control of my life. Don't get me wrong...I mourn the failure of this marriage every day & cry myself to sleep every night. I am so angry & afraid of being alone & starting over. I just want to be able to sleep & eat again & have some sense of being okay again. Any words of encouragment would be greatly welcome. Thanx for taking the time to read this.
GET HER OUT OF THERE!
Posted by: stepmomusa
Posted on: 2005-01-21 20:55:00
Your daughter is in IMMEDIATE DANGER from this man. I have worked in the field of child protection for 11 years, and have specialized in sexual abuse trauma for the past four years. He has verbalized his sexual interest in your daughter, and even more dangerously, has attempted to rationalize it. This rationalization and justification is a significant and consistent charactaristic of pedophiles. He has also manipulated you to the point where you feel sorry for him at the expense of your daughter's safety. This is another example of classic pedophile behavior. Furthermore, research has proven time and again that pedophiles are not "cured", therapy does not help them, and their behavior should be closely monitored (this is why there is such thing as a "registered sex offender" registry in every state, because the risk of a re-offense is so high).
Consider your daughter lucky if he has not physically sexually abused her yet, but I will bet my life savings that he has behaved in some form of seductive manner towards her, and that she is aware of his sexual interest in her. GET HER AWAY FROM HIM IMMEDIATELY! He is a threat to her emotional and physical well being.
Although unpleasant, I need to add that most states do have a "failure to protect" law, which means essentially if a non-offending parent is aware that a child is being sexually abused, or ignores the obvious warning signs (i.e., telling you about it or rationalizing it to you), the non-offending parent can be held legally liable if sexual abuse is later confirmed. I don't mean to scare you, but I have worked countless cases where a parent's rights were taken away for failing to protect their child from an abuser.
I have also facilitated therapy groups with adult incest survivors, who have consistently reported that the non-offending parent's failure to protect them from the abuse has scarred them as much as the abuse itself.Even as adults (I had one 70 year old woman in one group), they all ask the same question: "Why didn't anyone love me enough to keep me safe?"
Your FIRST priority is to your daughter, and I am telling you as someone who has a lot of experience in this field...your daughter IS being abused by this man in some way. Please get her away from him.
Posted by: stepmomusa
Posted on: 2005-01-21 20:55:00
Your daughter is in IMMEDIATE DANGER from this man. I have worked in the field of child protection for 11 years, and have specialized in sexual abuse trauma for the past four years. He has verbalized his sexual interest in your daughter, and even more dangerously, has attempted to rationalize it. This rationalization and justification is a significant and consistent charactaristic of pedophiles. He has also manipulated you to the point where you feel sorry for him at the expense of your daughter's safety. This is another example of classic pedophile behavior. Furthermore, research has proven time and again that pedophiles are not "cured", therapy does not help them, and their behavior should be closely monitored (this is why there is such thing as a "registered sex offender" registry in every state, because the risk of a re-offense is so high).
Consider your daughter lucky if he has not physically sexually abused her yet, but I will bet my life savings that he has behaved in some form of seductive manner towards her, and that she is aware of his sexual interest in her. GET HER AWAY FROM HIM IMMEDIATELY! He is a threat to her emotional and physical well being.
Although unpleasant, I need to add that most states do have a "failure to protect" law, which means essentially if a non-offending parent is aware that a child is being sexually abused, or ignores the obvious warning signs (i.e., telling you about it or rationalizing it to you), the non-offending parent can be held legally liable if sexual abuse is later confirmed. I don't mean to scare you, but I have worked countless cases where a parent's rights were taken away for failing to protect their child from an abuser.
I have also facilitated therapy groups with adult incest survivors, who have consistently reported that the non-offending parent's failure to protect them from the abuse has scarred them as much as the abuse itself.Even as adults (I had one 70 year old woman in one group), they all ask the same question: "Why didn't anyone love me enough to keep me safe?"
Your FIRST priority is to your daughter, and I am telling you as someone who has a lot of experience in this field...your daughter IS being abused by this man in some way. Please get her away from him.
Posted by: jooper
Posted on: 2005-01-25 10:57:26
Thank you all so much for your replies. This has really helped me. I guess I wanted to believe so bad that he really did love me and that he would be willing to change to keep our family together. Last night I told him that this was it and he had to move out. He immiediately started crying and begging me not to divorce him. He even got online and started looking at sexual addiction sites and therapy groups. It's too late though and I'm not willing to take that risk anymore. The fact that he even had those thoughts about my daughter is something I'll never be able to get over with therapy or without therapy. Thank you again for your support.
Jooper
Posted by: mswing10
Posted on: 2005-01-21 23:25:49
Hon...walk away and don't look back. He sounds like he is getting sicker and sicker and sicker.
At this point, you are the responsible one, responsible to yourself and daughter. I'm not judging you, but isn't it time you just faced facts and let go?
I do want to say "good for you" for getting help from your doctor and exposing the problem. I know that must have been hard and I'm so glad you were able to protect that girl. Take a deep breath and then take a walk. Good luck. Mel
Posted by: mswing10
Posted on: 2005-01-21 23:25:49
Hon...walk away and don't look back. He sounds like he is getting sicker and sicker and sicker.
At this point, you are the responsible one, responsible to yourself and daughter. I'm not judging you, but isn't it time you just faced facts and let go?
I do want to say "good for you" for getting help from your doctor and exposing the problem. I know that must have been hard and I'm so glad you were able to protect that girl. Take a deep breath and then take a walk. Good luck. Mel
Don't leave it too late!!
Posted by: klaing17
Posted on: 2005-01-23 09:13:19
I just want to say to all those women out there who stay in abusive marriages - run!! I stayed in one for 5 years and when I finally had enough He tried to kill me. I was 6 months pregnant at the time and had an 11 month old daughter to him as well. My three teenage children grabbed my daughter and ran from the house to get help. I had forewarned them I was telling him it was over so they knew to leave me and run. Jail din't deter him, both times he came out and stalked, threatened, harassed and basically had me walking on eggshells. Luckily my son survived the attack and when he turned 4 and my daughter was 5 we had to pack up everything and move into hiding, leaving behind my then 19 yr old daughter, and my two sons who went to live with their dad (my first hubbie) after the attack on me. I now have only phone contact with them and no contact with any friends at all. Please don't wait till it gets this bad, believe me, I know its hard, but get help, theres plenty out there. I can't tell you how I wish I had done it earlier. It has been 18 months now since we moved and 5 years since the attack and I have never looked at another man. Maybe one day, but right now it is one step at a time.
Posted by: klaing17
Posted on: 2005-01-23 09:13:19
I just want to say to all those women out there who stay in abusive marriages - run!! I stayed in one for 5 years and when I finally had enough He tried to kill me. I was 6 months pregnant at the time and had an 11 month old daughter to him as well. My three teenage children grabbed my daughter and ran from the house to get help. I had forewarned them I was telling him it was over so they knew to leave me and run. Jail din't deter him, both times he came out and stalked, threatened, harassed and basically had me walking on eggshells. Luckily my son survived the attack and when he turned 4 and my daughter was 5 we had to pack up everything and move into hiding, leaving behind my then 19 yr old daughter, and my two sons who went to live with their dad (my first hubbie) after the attack on me. I now have only phone contact with them and no contact with any friends at all. Please don't wait till it gets this bad, believe me, I know its hard, but get help, theres plenty out there. I can't tell you how I wish I had done it earlier. It has been 18 months now since we moved and 5 years since the attack and I have never looked at another man. Maybe one day, but right now it is one step at a time.
You need protection...
Posted by: gemgal05
Posted on: 2005-01-22 01:57:03
I have been divorced for 2 years, after 12 years a marraige. The last 5 yrs were a nightmare. My ex had the same internet addiction, on top of lying to me about our finances. In 4 years, we went from 4k Tto 50K in debt. He had started innocently looking at pictures, then it went to chatting, then it went to videos, to phone sex, strip clubs, wanting to swing, to voyeuristic acts, etc etc, to finding pictures of HIM on the computer, to him having an affair. He cried and begged me to stay, after I had found the pictures of him. I gave him another year, and TRIED my hardest to change myself and be the best I could - but he kept on. He couldn't control himself and it was like dealing with an alcoholic. The book "out of the shadows" helped me. These people are very insidious... They control you through fear and sometimes passive aggressive tactics. They make you feel as though you have no one else in the earth to trust, you will be all alone, you cannot go to anyone with it, etc etc. You are a co-dependent and let it continue. Please demand more respect for yourself and your marraige!!! I would suggest separating until you both have gone through counseling separately and THEN try joint counseling. My experience is that it's got such a hold on them, they can't break free. At least you can say that you tried to work it out. But PLEASE make sure you are protected from his manipulation in the meantime. I so wish Dr Phil would do a show on this... I do not feel that anyone has done this topic justice. It's something that is not condsidered awful by our society - or treated as serious as it should be - because "all men look at porn" and "it's not hurting anyone" (a quote from my ex mother in law) or "the wife didn't give enough sex or was such a bitch, do you blame him?". Funny - our sex life was wonderful...but all 3 of the boys in my ex's family have sexual addiction problems and are divorced! One even had some repressed memories of abuse! It's a bad situation and you need to get professional help. They only feel guilty when they are caught... He will drag you down with him and ruin your life unless you stand up for yourself and your marraige/family. Don't let him take advantage of how "embarrassing" it would be... Just think how embarrassing it will be if it goes FARTHER and he hurts one of your children...or they stumble across that garbage on the computer... You need to protect yourself...
Posted by: gemgal05
Posted on: 2005-01-22 01:57:03
I have been divorced for 2 years, after 12 years a marraige. The last 5 yrs were a nightmare. My ex had the same internet addiction, on top of lying to me about our finances. In 4 years, we went from 4k Tto 50K in debt. He had started innocently looking at pictures, then it went to chatting, then it went to videos, to phone sex, strip clubs, wanting to swing, to voyeuristic acts, etc etc, to finding pictures of HIM on the computer, to him having an affair. He cried and begged me to stay, after I had found the pictures of him. I gave him another year, and TRIED my hardest to change myself and be the best I could - but he kept on. He couldn't control himself and it was like dealing with an alcoholic. The book "out of the shadows" helped me. These people are very insidious... They control you through fear and sometimes passive aggressive tactics. They make you feel as though you have no one else in the earth to trust, you will be all alone, you cannot go to anyone with it, etc etc. You are a co-dependent and let it continue. Please demand more respect for yourself and your marraige!!! I would suggest separating until you both have gone through counseling separately and THEN try joint counseling. My experience is that it's got such a hold on them, they can't break free. At least you can say that you tried to work it out. But PLEASE make sure you are protected from his manipulation in the meantime. I so wish Dr Phil would do a show on this... I do not feel that anyone has done this topic justice. It's something that is not condsidered awful by our society - or treated as serious as it should be - because "all men look at porn" and "it's not hurting anyone" (a quote from my ex mother in law) or "the wife didn't give enough sex or was such a bitch, do you blame him?". Funny - our sex life was wonderful...but all 3 of the boys in my ex's family have sexual addiction problems and are divorced! One even had some repressed memories of abuse! It's a bad situation and you need to get professional help. They only feel guilty when they are caught... He will drag you down with him and ruin your life unless you stand up for yourself and your marraige/family. Don't let him take advantage of how "embarrassing" it would be... Just think how embarrassing it will be if it goes FARTHER and he hurts one of your children...or they stumble across that garbage on the computer... You need to protect yourself...
please
Posted by: wmzqdaz
Posted on: 2005-01-23 09:13:19
As I was reading this message I got goosebumps. Please get those children away from your husband!!! I know it sounds far easier than it is but there is something really wrong about him fantasizing about your daughter (adopted or not!!!) Right now he only fantasizes but I understand the sickness and twistedness of pornography and sexual addiction and it is scary!! They get bored and kind of numb to something erotic and they have to find something else to fire them up and satisfy them and if he gets bored of fantasizing and then starts being a voyeur, what happens when he gets bored of that?? You can't do that to your daughter!! It is your job to protect them from things and people and your husband definitely sounds like someone they need to be protected from!! And especially if he is not willing to get help! For heaven's sake!! Do it for your girls!!!
Posted by: wmzqdaz
Posted on: 2005-01-23 09:13:19
As I was reading this message I got goosebumps. Please get those children away from your husband!!! I know it sounds far easier than it is but there is something really wrong about him fantasizing about your daughter (adopted or not!!!) Right now he only fantasizes but I understand the sickness and twistedness of pornography and sexual addiction and it is scary!! They get bored and kind of numb to something erotic and they have to find something else to fire them up and satisfy them and if he gets bored of fantasizing and then starts being a voyeur, what happens when he gets bored of that?? You can't do that to your daughter!! It is your job to protect them from things and people and your husband definitely sounds like someone they need to be protected from!! And especially if he is not willing to get help! For heaven's sake!! Do it for your girls!!!
This has a Familiar Ring!
Posted by: kat12769
Posted on: 2005-01-20 14:49:22
Just had to respond to your message. I had a man I fell in love with on the internet, Yahoo to be exact. I am sure this is not the same guy, anyway, he was wonderful to me "Mr Wonderful" to be exact. He lived in VA and I in Ohio,drove to see me every other weekend. He said he loved me first, was the one to pursue me, was afraid I was going to leave him all the time but in the end he left me. I moved for him, he for I. Needless to say I came home one night to an empty apt. He is causing u heartache, trust me, your better off without him. Never move for anyone! I did it,and I was so wrong for doing so. If someone is healthy they can handle love, and he probably cares about you, but is too selfish to give you what you need. He is the needy one, and u will always be the one giving, never him...trust me he sounds like a carbon copy of the guy I dated. Broken hearted in Ohio...I am still hurt, but I am better off without him. You will be too!!
Posted by: kat12769
Posted on: 2005-01-20 14:49:22
Just had to respond to your message. I had a man I fell in love with on the internet, Yahoo to be exact. I am sure this is not the same guy, anyway, he was wonderful to me "Mr Wonderful" to be exact. He lived in VA and I in Ohio,drove to see me every other weekend. He said he loved me first, was the one to pursue me, was afraid I was going to leave him all the time but in the end he left me. I moved for him, he for I. Needless to say I came home one night to an empty apt. He is causing u heartache, trust me, your better off without him. Never move for anyone! I did it,and I was so wrong for doing so. If someone is healthy they can handle love, and he probably cares about you, but is too selfish to give you what you need. He is the needy one, and u will always be the one giving, never him...trust me he sounds like a carbon copy of the guy I dated. Broken hearted in Ohio...I am still hurt, but I am better off without him. You will be too!!
Wake UP!
Posted by: amylsmall
Posted on: 2005-01-20 18:04:28
I know I'm not an expert when it comes to love, but God knows I've learned a thing or two.....
I don't believe in online romances because they're simply unsafe... I'm sure some ppl swear by them...but there just not for me.....
I have a friend who went online,met a guy and realized that it just wasn't going to work....The guy ending up using my friend for money...I know it doesn't sound like a big deal to some, but a lot worse can happen.....
You definitely need time for urself...and when u do start dating again, try and be more cautious....the next time u might get more than a broken heart!
Posted by: amylsmall
Posted on: 2005-01-20 18:04:28
I know I'm not an expert when it comes to love, but God knows I've learned a thing or two.....
I don't believe in online romances because they're simply unsafe... I'm sure some ppl swear by them...but there just not for me.....
I have a friend who went online,met a guy and realized that it just wasn't going to work....The guy ending up using my friend for money...I know it doesn't sound like a big deal to some, but a lot worse can happen.....
You definitely need time for urself...and when u do start dating again, try and be more cautious....the next time u might get more than a broken heart!
online relationships....definite no no
Posted by: jeditom
Posted on: 2005-01-21 09:21:16
I met a guy online from a friend I met at school in person. lol After weeks of talking to this guy online, I ended up meeting him and he was a bit on the freaky side. I distanced myself after that and that is why I believe online and distant relationships just cannot work. You never know what you may be in for. The person could be a criminal, married, not the gender you thought he/she was?!
Posted by: jeditom
Posted on: 2005-01-21 09:21:16
I met a guy online from a friend I met at school in person. lol After weeks of talking to this guy online, I ended up meeting him and he was a bit on the freaky side. I distanced myself after that and that is why I believe online and distant relationships just cannot work. You never know what you may be in for. The person could be a criminal, married, not the gender you thought he/she was?!
Every situation is different
Posted by: sarahjwl
Posted on: 2005-01-21 09:38:15
First of all, I want to agree that you all are better off without those men in your lives who have done you wrong. I know, as well, how hard it is to move on from a failed relationship.
But, in defense of online love, that is where I met my wonderful husband. Neither of us were crazy, unstable, opposite gender of what we said, married to other people etc...
I think sometimes where things go wrong is that many people go online searching for an ideal love. My DH and I met "by accident" in a situation where neither of us were looking for love but it developed into that after several years of corresponding by email, then messenger, then phone before we finally met in person.
We've been married now for almost a year and a half and couldn't be happier. I moved a long way (one of us had to move and he had the better/more secure job). All this to say that yes, meeting people online is risky and those relationships fail more often than not. But I'm not sure they fail any more often than say, relationships that come from meeting at a bar. Who knows?
I wish you all luck. Again, you're better off without the losers.
Sarah :)
Posted by: sarahjwl
Posted on: 2005-01-21 09:38:15
First of all, I want to agree that you all are better off without those men in your lives who have done you wrong. I know, as well, how hard it is to move on from a failed relationship.
But, in defense of online love, that is where I met my wonderful husband. Neither of us were crazy, unstable, opposite gender of what we said, married to other people etc...
I think sometimes where things go wrong is that many people go online searching for an ideal love. My DH and I met "by accident" in a situation where neither of us were looking for love but it developed into that after several years of corresponding by email, then messenger, then phone before we finally met in person.
We've been married now for almost a year and a half and couldn't be happier. I moved a long way (one of us had to move and he had the better/more secure job). All this to say that yes, meeting people online is risky and those relationships fail more often than not. But I'm not sure they fail any more often than say, relationships that come from meeting at a bar. Who knows?
I wish you all luck. Again, you're better off without the losers.
Sarah :)
