06/29 Invasive In-laws

I am so glad Dr. Phil is having this show!
Posted by: rooheretoo
Posted on: 2005-02-04 19:02:39

I have a MIL who has been trying to break up my marriage from the start. We had to cut her out of our lives because she would not learn a boundary. I can't wait for this show!

Posted by: sorayaj
Posted on: 2005-02-04 22:29:33

I know your story all too well! My mil cut us out of her life! I can't wait for this show either.
WALKING ON EGGSHELLS - DAMN IF YOU DO OR DON'T
Posted by: anon_slc
Posted on: 2005-02-06 17:19:41

Some great books on the subject of "impossible" parents/people:

Stop Walking on Eggshells; Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. Mason, Randi Kreger

Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents by Nina Brown

Hope it helps!
Anon SLC
Posted by: groovyveg
Posted on: 2005-02-07 22:34:20

Are you one of the authors? You post those book recommendations on every Dr. Phil show board.
we cut my husbands whole family out of our lives
Posted by: paterson79
Posted on: 2005-02-07 17:26:43

i just got done wathing this show and i know how they feel.I look at it this way i know my chrilden are beter off with out them.So is our marrige we use to fight about it all the time.the funny thing is that my husbands mom never wanted anthing to do with him intill we got peagant.she even called the baby hers.It got so bad that they tryed to beake my front door down while my husband was gone.it has been 5 years.They have never seen our youngest child who now is 3.They haven't seen our oldest in 5 years she is now 6.Sometimes i think it is best to cut your inlaws out of your life for they sake of the childern.
agree
Posted by: missyloo79
Posted on: 2005-02-07 22:05:13

Its sad that families cant work past thier differnces and it has to come to not letting your kids go around them. It almost came to that point with my MIL. I took all I could from her. She talked down to me, basically walked all over me cause she knew she could. Until one day I just gave it back to her. I told her if she wanted to take my kids with her she needed to learn how to respect me because Im thier mother. I gave her all the respect I knew how. I kissed up to her just to keep peace. And after that she has been so good to me. I showed her I wasnt going to put up with it any longer.It was very bad for about 3 months. We were going to pack our bags and try to sell our home so we could move to another state. Just to get away from her.Thats how bad it was. It killed her because my husband wasnt a "Momma's Boy" He loves his mom but hasnt ever agreed on the way she does things and treats people.One thing I can say, my husband has always stood by me. :)
i hear you!
Posted by: beebsgone
Posted on: 2005-02-08 10:03:50

wow, can i ever relate to missyloo79. i thought i was the only one with a MIL from hell. my husband use to tell his mother to mind her own business, but things didn't change. i was branded the "butthole" by her and no matter what i did, i was always in the wrong. well, i couldn't continue to kiss her butt to try to keep the peace (it wasn't working anyway), so, i severed the ties. i don't go up to their house and when she's here, i just wander off and pretend that she doesn't exist. it's not a fun way to live but it beats the hell out of stepping into the fire and getting burnt all the time. i like what dr.phil said yesterday...being a grandparent is a privilage NOT a right. i don't think alot of people look at it that way...they just assume they will be in their grandchilds life regardless of how they treat other people; things may change around here if she doesn't stop the negative all the time! take care all!
It's AMAZING.....
Posted by: mnranda
Posted on: 2005-06-30 11:22:11

Missy has just told my story but in addition, let me add that becouse of her dislike of me, she treats our chidren terrible as well. Most recently she has told our 13 yr. old daughter that she has gotten fat. Our daughter had only the week before started menstrating and had a bit of a tummy pudge. I have so had enough and am considering a divorce not only becouse of this latest act but 19 years of it as well!
I pray for her and that she will eventually get over her insecurities and become a person who likes herslelf more and will then be more accepting of those around her. As for my children and I, I'm done~my kids will not have to endure one more ioda of pain becouse their father is too afraid to stand up to her~like Dr. Phil would say, "That ain't even almost ok". Blessings to you all...
Thank you
Posted by: mchenelle
Posted on: 2005-02-08 14:48:44

Thank you for sharing your situation on this message board. I was watching the show and couldn't believe how close the situation was to mine. The only difference is it is my mother and father. My parents were so controlling and manipulative and smothering. They hated my husband and thought no one was good enough for me. I put up with it for years and finally it was really affecting my marriage and my first child so much that I finally put down a boundary and told them that we all needed to go to a counselor to work this out or I couldn't continue to see them. They screamed and yelled and called me all kinds of horrible names. They refused to go to a counselor with me and we have not seen them or heard from them in 6 years. My son was 6 when they cut off contact and he hasn't seen or heard from them since. No phone calls, no cards, nothing. My daughter is 5 and they have never seen her. I sent pictures of the kids one Christmas and they came back to me in an envelope ripped up. My father died 3 years ago and no one told me. About 6 months after he died, (I think it was my mother) cut my father's obituary out of the newspaper and sent it to me with nothing else in the envelope - just to hurt me. I know it is a horrible situation but one that I can't change. My parents are sick and dysfunctional. Thank God I have my kids and husband. Thank you for sharing your story. I thought I was the only one going through something like this. I felt so isolated and terrible. It gives me strength to know that someone else has HAD to confront parents. They give you no choice but confront them. I feel that Dr. Phil made it sound too easy to repair these situations. The other side REFUSES to respect healthy boundaries. What then? He didn't address that and that should be talked about even though it is not pleasant. Thanks again,
Been there too
Posted by: celmom
Posted on: 2005-02-08 22:28:36

In my marrige it was my mother who was controlling and disrespectful. For the first years of my marrige, my husband put up with a lot, bless him. Mom was rude, intrusive, critical, melodramatic and as self-centered as a 5-year -old. (True story: she actually tape-recorded an argument with my dad; then brought the tape player to my house and demanded I listen to the tape. She expected me to take her side, and became furious when I refused to be put into the middle of the dispute.) After one especially disgusting display in our home - Mom came over and made a scene on my son's birthday- my husband asked her to leave, and said that she could no longer take any of our children out-of-town, or have them overnight until she agreed to get professional help. She chose to break off any visits with us or the children if it could not be on her terms. We have made attempts to reach out to her in appropriate ways over the years. After my children were in their mid to late teens, I left the decision to visit with her up to them.(By that age they were all pretty savvy to "Nana"'s guilt trips and manipulations. Some have chosen to visit, and others have not. The visits usually end after only a few minutes - when Mom goes into a long litany of my sins and shotcomings. She seems to have an uncontrollable urge to try to inform my children of what I'm "really" like, and thay don't want to hear it.) My mother has missed out on so much, and it is sad. She would rather play the poor old "abandoned" mother than have a healthy relationship with any of her children or grandchildren. She refuses invitations to weddings, graduations, and family dinners. I finally figured out that she wants a FAN CLUB, not a family. I love my mother, but I refused to be drained dry by an emotional vampire, or allow her to treat my young children like chess pawns. (She had lied to my children in the past,played favorites and said the most disgusting things when she was displeased and wanted to lash out.) she is one of the unhappiest people I know - and it is always someone else's fault, not hers.
Putting my marrige and my children first as a priority has paid off. I enjoy a happy, close relationship with my husband, my grown children,their spouses, my grandchildren, and the two teenagers still at home - most of the time. children Things are not perfect. One of my two brothers (who has never married, by the way)continues to revile me for my "neglect" of our mother. I can't have a close relationship with him because he has had to choose - my mother would not forgive the "disloyalty" of my brother being on good terms with me, as long as I am on her fecal roster. My husband's parents are terrific, and I love them. I have been glad that my children have had at least one set of emotionally healthy grandparents close at hand. (My mother always resented my in-laws, and never came to any family function that included them.) I do feel sad about the situation, but I no longer feel guilty. By the way, I may not always agree with how my daughter-in-law and son do things as parents, but I'm smart enough to keep my opinions to myself, and remember that they are my grandchildren's parents. My "job" is to enjoy their children, not raise them.
To Celmom
Posted by: mchenelle
Posted on: 2005-02-10 14:50:42

To Celmom: Thank you for writing about your situation with your mother. I can't tell you how comforting it is to know that others have dealt with this too. I really thought I was the only one that ever had to cut her mother out of her life. Of course that is the last thing a person would ever want to do, but for the sake of your sanity and your husband and kids, it is the last resort and it has to be done. The situation you had is so similar to mine it could have had my name on the message. I am not a grandmother or mother in law yet, but the only silver lining to this horrible situation is that I will be a very loving grandmother and mother in law. That is for sure. Thanks again for writing - it gives me strength.

Posted by: linaloud
Posted on: 2005-06-26 00:06:59

I guess I am the other side of the story. I am the mil that has been kicked out of my sons family. I can still see the grandkids but only if my husband is with me. They got mad at my daughter and since I kept her kids and theirs when needed, they forbade me to have her kids around theirs. I love my son and dil and their kids mean the world to me. They said I choose my daughters kids over theirs. There is no way that is possible for me. I tried to treat each one equal and if we ever bought one something, we bought all the same things. They have not spoken to me for almost 2 years and it has broken my heart. I cry every day and would give all I own if my son and daughter had a close relationship again. We were always a very close family and this has hurt the entire family from aunts and uncles,counsins and great grandparents. I can not understand how someone can just throw family away. Mine is too precious to me.
Take An Honest Look
Posted by: mnranda
Posted on: 2005-06-30 11:46:53

Lin, at the risk of insulting and hurting your feelings, I'm going to tell you as lovingly as I can~please take an honest and careful look at the relationship between your son's family and yourself. I'll bet every DIL in here has heard the same thing from our own MIL that you shared. Being a DIL has been the toughest and often most lonely role I have ever played! Take an honest look at yourself, look into your soul~your very being and ask yourself, have I really given them the love and respect they not only deserve, but need? Love your son enough to give him the gift of acceptance and trust that he has made the right decisions, keep your thoughts (however real they amy seem to you) to yourself. We don't want our Inlaws to buy things for our chldren or ourselves. We just want to be accepted and respected~it's that simple. I'll pray for you and yours, again I think if you seek peace~honest,real peace~you will find it....Blessings to you
To Celmom & mchenelle
Posted by: babyg30
Posted on: 2005-06-29 19:06:28

Wow, how comforting to see how the two of you have dealt with such a hard situation. Mine is also very similar, however, my child is only six months old, so the fun has just begun. My situation with my mother is on the road to recovery right now, but as a result of her selfishness, she has missed out on 2 months of seeing this little miracle. I was the product of her first marriage, and then she re-married and had my sister. She told me that I had a different father just before my 16th birthday. Afterwards, I was emotionally a mess,(I was suicidal, a friend invited me to church, and I became a Christian. My mother hated to see me become " the church lady", and tried to get me into scientology. It didn't work. Years later when I married a Christian, the attacks truly began. She hated my husband from the moment she met him. The first year of marriage was brutal. I made the mistake of involving her when I had a conflict with my husband. Celmom, our husbands are very similar. Willing to stand by our sides, no matter what the situation. Anyway, I have learned that no matter how bad the attacks get, I must stand my ground and insist on what is right. I also have to remeber that when my mother tells me that I should have been an abortion that it is a lie, that I'm a worthwhile, loving person, and that it is only a reflection of my Mom's broken spirit. Thank you both for showing me the importance of choosing my husband and my son and how it will make a difference in the long run. You've empowered me to make history, not repeat it.

Posted by: deanfan
Posted on: 2005-06-29 10:56:18

I just watched the repeat airing of the show about problems with inlaws. The only thing I could think of when I saw this show was that sometimes married couples just need to decide to cut the inlaws out of their lives. I realize that it is a good thing when families can work out their differences, but sometimes inlaws make reconciliation impossible because of their mean spiritedness and negativity right from the start. It annoys me when married couples fight over the inlaws, when really these couples should simply say that they arent going to put up with any of the nonsense from the inlaws. Sometimes it is better that the inlaws have no part in their grandchildrens' lives because of their negativity and the way it will affect the grandkids. Not all families speak to every member of the family and guess what, life still goes on. The grandkids might miss out on some things that grandparents can provide but that doesnt really matter if the kids have two parents who are loyal and loving towards each other. I don't really have close relationships with my paternal grandparents and I wasn't very close to my maternal grandparents before they died because of problems that had occured in the past between my parents and them. All I can say is that not every kid is going to be resentful simply because they don't have grandparents in their lives. The thing that was most important to me was that my parents had a good relationship with each other and did not concern themselves with all of the negativity that came along with the inlaws. My mother did the smartest thing when she decided that she had had enough of my father's family and proceeded to cut them out of her life. I know that they view my mother as a witch because she took a drastic step but sometimes that kind of decision is required when dealing with people that you just can't get along with.
Poor thing
Posted by: misferet
Posted on: 2005-06-29 16:34:47

I am so sorry you have had to go through that. We must all try to see things from the other person's point of view but unless you are out and out lying she needs to check herself. Good to hear you raised children smart enough to realize even the ones you love can manipulate you. As for your brother he can come off it. It's not a law you have to speak with your mother and none of his business. And like Dr.Phil said of grandparenting being a parent is a privilege not a right.
To Been There Too
Posted by: nannas4
Posted on: 2005-06-29 19:05:03

As I have read many of the comments posted on this subject, my guilt for how I have responded to my mil in recent years is leaving. I have been married 44 years, yes it even continues for years. I got along with my mil great for years. I did all of her bidding. I wanted my children to have a great relationship with her.(My mother died when I was 36). She was a loving and great grandmother. My husband always put me first in his life and she knew we were a united front. The problem! His younger brother never cut the apron strings and he never put his wife and family first. She has always been number one with him. After my fil died, he left his wife of 42 years and moved home to "mommy". That was in 1999 and I have refused to inter her house since then. In the past six years I have encluded her in "our" family activites, leaving out the bil. They have become "the couple". Sick, I know! She now dosen't show up for birthdays or any holidays. She can't leave him out. Yes, he still is in contact with his family, but you can't have one without the other. My husband goes to see her on a regular basis and that is fine with me. I don't want him to not have a relationship with is mother. Just leave me out. This has not been a smooth six years but we have finally agreed to disagree on this subject. The sad part of this story, my children and grandchildren don't see her very much. All the time she put into her grandchildren she has given up to have this son live with her. (My children disagree with this situation also). She is the queen of manipulation and they see through her. This is an 87 year old lady and she should be having he time of her life with her children and grand and great grandchildren. So Sad!
The positive side: I try to stay out of my childrens lives. I want to be there if they need me, but their business is none of mine. I raised my children they way I thought was right and they should have that same priviledge. Do I agree with every thing? No! The only one who hears my complaints is my husband. If God grants me 87 years, I want to enjoy my family to the fullest.
you should consider urself lucky....
Posted by: sadbaby
Posted on: 2005-02-11 11:32:01

I WISH I COULD SAYT HE SAME FOR MY MOTHER IN LAW. I CANT DO A THING ABOUT HOW WE FEEL ABOUT EACH OTHER. I (HAVE TO LIVE WITH HER) SHES TELLS ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY KID AND WHAT TO COOK FOR DINNER AND HOW IT SHOULD BE COOKED . I WOULD BE IN HEAVEN IF I COULD LOOSE A MIL.
HOW DO YOU DEAL WHEN U LIVE WITH INLAWS
Luck has nothing to do with it
Posted by: ddradio
Posted on: 2005-02-12 20:42:01

You have a very simple solution. Move out!!! Find a way out. Down size what ever is needed. I could not live with my mother in law at all. I would have camped out with my wife before I lived with my mother in law. I would have lived with my wife in my car before living with my mother in law. My children would have been along for the ride. It seems hard but your mother in law will change too if you are not living together also. She is use to telling you what to do. You need to have your own turf. That's my opinion. Hopefull, DD
Im Kasey and have so much more to share!!
Posted by: happykasey
Posted on: 2005-02-05 20:38:41

As soon as the show ended and my husband and I came back to our small town, My awful mother-in-law was back to her same old games again! She won't call to spend time with the kids and hasn't seen or talked to them in a month. I feel bad for my 5 year old daughter who is wondering "Why doesn't grammy call for me to come over?" Finally we just told her to call her. Poor thing. My in-laws made it clear they want nothing to do with us all!