06/23 A Family Affair

I am going through this right now
Posted by: ssmile1977
Posted on: 2004-11-10 08:56:04

I am a 27 year old woman who has been married to my husband for almost 7 years. We have 4 girls together and over a year ago we went through a rocky time. He cheated on me with a girl whom later found out was pregnant with his son!!! I said I would stay with him and we would get through this together but it has been so hard. I hate it when he talks about how cute his son is(I think that's because I couldn't give him a son), I also hate it when she calls him all the time. They aren't having a relationship but he tells me I need to be used to her in our lives for the next 18 years or more. Maybe I would feel better if she found a guy who she fell in love with. I feel she still has feelings for him. He was hardly involved with his daughters but he seems to be obsessing about his son, why? He doesn't see it. I want to get past this. There is way more to this story but I don't have enough space to write it. If anyone has advice on how I can get through this let me know. I haven't even watched the show yet but I am sure it is similiar. My husband and I still love each other but I think this might split us up because it is too hard and it doesn't seem to get any easier. I have been going through this for 9 months now and his son is almost a year. I know it isn't his son's fault and I wouldn't ever take my feelings out on him but I feel a little resentment towards him. HELP!!!!!!! I know it might seem I am being selfish and in a way I am but I need to let it go but I don't know how. Sarah
Get Out........
Posted by: lyns32
Posted on: 2004-11-10 12:24:32

Sarah,you need to divorce this man,take your girls and build a new home for all of you.
You are 27yrs old, you have the rest of your life to meet a man who will respect you and give you the love you deserve.Your husband doesnt deserve you.My partner has been having an affair for the last 3yrs,she had an abortion last year. We have a 4yr son together.I moved from England to the States this Sept to find this out.Im gonna go back home and rebuild my life.He is not worthy of me,and what role model is he as a father?Be strong Sarah and move on your girls need a happy mum.Lindsay
Not cut and dried
Posted by: niosgirl
Posted on: 2004-11-10 13:26:18

I'm so sorry Lindsay, but it's not so cut and dried. People and marriages are not expendable....not even when one of the partners has made such a terrible and permenant mistake (that *gasp* may someday turn out to be a blessing, no matter how the conception).

I *know* Kandi IRL and I met her because we are both in the same situation (I, too, have other - OMG - children whom I love dearly).....believe me, if it were easy or in our minds the *right* thing to do, we'd have gotten out a long time ago. I'm glad I decided to try...only heaven knows if we'll make it....but in good conscience at least we know we did our very best out of the very worst of times.

Love to you Kandi. You and your family are in my prayers, I know you're hurting right now.

It takes a tremendous amount of effort on both partners behalfs to get through this...and it'll only happen with both committing to the relationship. Sarah, I wish you the very best in whatever you decide to to...only YOU can decide if it's worth the effort.

- Kimmy
Not Quite
Posted by: precyswife
Posted on: 2004-11-10 21:50:41

I agree that these situations are complicated. Sometimes it does work out and there is enough love and commitment to save the relationship. However, I think that must come from both people in the relationship. Yes Kandi seems to love her husband enough to maybe make it work, but she can't do that on her own. Her husband has to be equally committed to working it out as she is. According to what he has said he is not, he is confused, he still cares for this other woman. Added to that it is completely unfair to her to have to wait for him to decide that he wants to stay with her. He is disgusting and weak because he is leading her on because he doesn't have the balls to commit himself one way or the other. I am usually not so judgemental but he did come on national television.

Kandi stop waiting for him to decide for you, I know it must be making you ill, emotionally and spiritually.

I don't know you but you and your boys are in my prayers.

Posted by: msqnct
Posted on: 2004-11-11 17:01:16

I have been there...and am very glad to say that it been 10 years since my Hubby told me that he was leaving for another woman! He did this 4 times...and then finally I went to see a lawyer. The pain and being what I thought was alone was unbearable and at times distructive. I seen the divorce through and never let him back in I took that power from him...those years now are shaded memories. I hate that time in my life...but now looking back on it I know how weak I was and that I needed to take control, it was very scarey...I went back to work as a full time nurse and took care of my 3 children...I married last year...it will be 1 year Nov 26th. I have never felt more in control of my life...It was a very very long road...dont be affraid to take it. On a final note their relationship did not work out...he is unemployed!! I thought he had it all!!!
Encouraging
Posted by: sleonar2
Posted on: 2004-11-11 22:49:37

I am glad to read your message. Your story is VERY encouraging to me! I am 33 years old with a 3 year old and my story is VERY similiar. I was watching this episode in awe considering I basically saw myself and my soon to be ex on the show. I uess it is more common then we think or would like to think. It was pretty erie to me to watch today. Anyway, it is GREAT to see that there are happy ending out there. I have to believe there is something better waiting for me out there......it may through the tunnel and around the corner but it will be there waiting! I truly believe what goes around comes around! It's good too see that karma did indeed hit your ex.

Thanks for posting your message! It gives me hope!

Susan

Posted by: jeaner70
Posted on: 2004-11-12 15:04:19

I am living through this now although I did throw him out he tries to play me when he sees me getting stronger, I am dumb enough to listen to his lies an get brought back down again. I have really crossed a line somewhere, but it still hurts very bad. Mine has cheated, I actually caught him in the act but he will not admit it. I pray for revenge on both of them I know I shouldn't but I do. I need to move on. He lives right behind me I have to watch him get dressed up to go out, probably with her. I wish he would just move. Thanks for listening. Jean
Move On
Posted by: njones0623
Posted on: 2005-06-23 19:15:24

It's very painful and it will take a long time for you to heal, but don't let him play you. I have been on both sides of that fence and when they are players, they know how to manipulate any situation. Be Strong, go out, have some fun, and ignore his butt!
It's best for you to move on
Posted by: scb708
Posted on: 2005-06-23 19:31:14

I lived through the same experience. It will eat at your self-esteem. You'll find once you move on from him, you'll find someone better, you!
YOU GO GIRL!!!
Posted by: knadeen
Posted on: 2004-11-12 01:52:32

Why do I revel in stories like yours? I love it when women conquer in the end. You go girl! I wish I could hear from more people like you. I'm married for 10 years now. Four kids, and hubby never cheated on me (not that i know of!). I will NOT accept that. I can't put my life at risk, I can't allow my children to feel like this is acceptable behaviour, and I can't allow my husband to disrespect me like that!
never say I WILL NOT
Posted by: connie_joh
Posted on: 2004-11-13 17:04:13

just a small comment to you, I remember saying I WILL NEVER accept that. Its amazing how much you do go through, I have been married for 10 1/2 yrs, and guess what? yep he did it too, he wanted to see if he still had what it took to get someone, didn't matter that he had a wife and two kids at home, so let me just remind you to never say never.Its amazing how much shit you have to eat. CJ
You are sooooo right
Posted by: coach19
Posted on: 2004-11-14 16:15:33

Connie - you are sooo right. I remember saying I would never stand for that, but unless you are in the persons shoe and understand all the details you can't put yourself there. You are not in their house or their head. Love is deeper than pride.
Family first
Posted by: barbarab18
Posted on: 2004-11-14 22:22:10

I would say that most people say exactly what you said....that we would never stay. We are also the people who say we would do anything for our children even die for them. So how is it that when trouble hits we are ready to throw in the towel. Big deal he disrespected you (he actually doesn't respect himself) and you want to show your children that you aren't going to take that. At the end of the day, assuming you partner is committed to working on the marriage is it worth breaking up a family? It would of been very easy for me to throw my husband out after his infidelity issues but I felt that I owed to my children to keep their family intact if it was able to be repaired. It would of been sooo easy to just leave....but at the end of the day I would of maybe been happier (a big maybe...the grass is not always greener) and my children and husband would have been damaged. Even though my husband deserves anything he gets my children don't! Just my thoughts
Barbar18
Posted by: march00
Posted on: 2005-06-23 19:13:27

Amen. I hear what you are saying girl. You feel the same way I did. I also know that there are women out there who see a good man and will do anything there is to get him. Thats not to say that that may does not right from wrong but he is like Eve in the garden and can't resist temptation (this is what makes us human). We are all going to be disappointed by someone in our life and we are going to disappoint someone and make mistakes. The problem comes when you don't learn from those mistakes or keeping making the same mistake. I don't feel like my husband disrespected me but he and the woman disrespected one another. I just hopes he has learned from his mistake and won't make it again, and if he does I hope he knows that protection should be used no matter what because like the saying say what you don't know wont hurt you. I know if he would not have told me about the other child and woman I would never have none. Now the disrespect would have come in if he did it in my face, but no he tried his damdest to keep it a secret and me from finding out. I feel if it was for the fact that she had become pregnant then I may not have ever known because I wasn't looking for it.
Saying Never
Posted by: belilley
Posted on: 2004-11-17 23:42:18

Are you correct about never saying never. I had the happy home, married with 2 children and just had moved into a new home. One month later my husband came home and said he loved someone else--what the hell was he talking about. Where the heck was I for over 13 years. Needless to say, we have stuck it out and have had many counseling sessions--but I will never say never again. He keeps telling me this but boy life can hit you real hard in the face and you just have to know you can do it on your own!!
please reply
Posted by: girlkate
Posted on: 2005-06-23 15:10:54

Hi Belilley, I'm kinda in the same boat. My husband cheated and i left with the kids and now he wants to work on things and seems to be adament that we work it out. Please tell me how counseling has helped you 2, and if you ever get to turn back time and be happy and relaxed again. I thought we were a couple that had it all and would never be apart until this happened and I was definitly one of those women who said "NEVER" would I put up with it, but like they say "never say never"!!! Is an affair in your opinion insecurity on theier part or is it something we have done?? Please respond as I would love to hear from you. You seem to have your head screwed on. Thanks Kate

Posted by: gr8lake
Posted on: 2005-06-24 12:21:14

You did not ask for my advice, but I have been where you are at. I did let my ex come back, and things did not go well for us, but....it was the best thing I did for me! There will never be a doubt in my heart that I have done the right thing. When he left the second time, I could then begin the healing process, and relize it was not me, I had to forgive him in my heart, so I could continue to give our children the best life they could have with divorced parents. Never, I repeat NEAVER use you children to get what you want! I think you should try, and if you can forgive, and you must try to forget also, pray, and if both parties want it to work it will and you will have a stronger marriage than you did before.
What?!?
Posted by: filmeister
Posted on: 2004-11-20 20:33:58

Is that what we're telling our daughters? If your husband doesn't value you enough to stay faithful to you, "love is deeper than pride"? Give me a break . . .
What?!?
Posted by: milestwogo
Posted on: 2005-06-23 19:23:17

AMEN! I have 4 daughters who have become women who are strong and take no guff. I left their father after putting up with 7 years of "baby-mamma-drama"!
Guard you marriage!!
Posted by: may2398
Posted on: 2005-06-23 16:26:00

I have been married for 7 years. I have gained a lot of weight in those years. I always thought that my husband would love me no matter what. WRONG!! My husband started talking to a woman at work. They would meet up after work and talk, he told her all the problems with his marriage. Here I was thinking my marriage was fine.
Needless to say he promised that it was nothing but a friendship. He ended it and told me he wants his family and marriage to work. It has been an eye opener for me. I realized that as a wife and a mom that it matters what I look like what my additude is. If I am not taking care of my marriage there is always someone out there to take care of it for me. As women we have to keep in mind that every time we say no or shut our husbands out that our husbands will find someone who won't shut them out. We have to guard our marriages from preditors like the nurse who drove a wedge in Ed and Kandi's marriage!