06/23 A Family Affair

What happened to Ed and Kandi?
Posted by: deeded62
Posted on: 2004-12-15 09:54:54

Hey Everyone! I am new to the Dr. Phil world and am wondering what has become of Ed and Kandi. I watched The Dr. Phil show for the first time on November 11 and got hooked. I am wondering if this interesting case has been dropped or if Dr. Phil will tell us the rest of the story. There is so much to learn from this situation. I just wonder if we will be left wondering what happened. Gosh, how many times I can use the word wonder in a paragraph, I wonder? Will someone that knows whats going on here let me know what's up. That would be wonder-ful.

Posted by: raemi13
Posted on: 2004-12-15 18:58:59

Hi!
I was wondering what happened to Ed and Kandi myself. I tape the Dr. Phil show and finally last night I watched the two episodes with Ed and Kandi in them. I feel so much for them.
Don't be so judgmental
Posted by: boston33
Posted on: 2005-01-03 13:20:22

I am in this situation right now only I am the cheater. You have no idea the guilt that weighs on me everday. I am sure that Ed is the same. It is very easy to be in love with two people at the same time. Is it right NO! I wish everyday I could take it back and make a different decision. My husband and I are trying to work it out. We have a 4mo. old baby boy. I like Ed have had a hard time calling it quits with the other person. I don't want to hurt them. My husband continues to throw the affair in my face every single day. I'm not sure I can live like that for long. Anyone who thinks the other side of the boat is lighter think again. Life gives all of us challenges. It is what we do with them that counts. I am completly lost with life right now but I know that it will be ok. Good luck to those of you in this situation. My prayers are with you. I hope that you make the right decisions for yourself.
Dear boston33
Posted by: deeded62
Posted on: 2005-01-04 19:45:05

Oh Boston33, I am so sorry you are in such pain. It's really hard to get any support in your situation. It seems there is so much support for the one that has been cheated on, but not for the cheater. Cheater's have needs too. The deserve to be treated with kindness. It seems to me so many people that call themselves christaians or consider themselves "moral superiors" don't want to understand why or how cheaters got into thier predicament. I have been personally aware of situations where religious leaders have injected themselves into a failing marriage and were going to see that marriage saved no matter what the cost. I do believe that marriages should be saved-but not at any cost. Sometimes I see people counselling a married couple to stay together without making sure all the pieces necessary to rebuild a marriage are present. The result seems to be that the married people stay together longer ,all the while hurting one another and their children (if they have kids) only to end up in a divorce. I know there is no way to predict what couples will make it through such a painful trial of their marriage, but I really hope that all people that counsel people in this situation check their egos and agendas at the door and help the couple find the right solution for thier relationship. Boston33 are you able to share with the message board what lead you to get involved with another man? Are you working on your relationship with your husband, lover or both? Maybe there will be some kind people on this board that can help you with the intense pain you must be experiencing. I hope you can get some resolution on what your true feelings are about the two men in your life. Meanwhile I hope you are able to enjoy your precious little boy. I know it will be hard to focus on him, but you will never have these sweet days with him again. Find time every day to forget about how men have failed you and how you feel you have failed yourself and enjoy your baby. I am pretty certain some people on this site will slam you, but some of us want to help. Sometimes just writting down how you really feel helps. Don't write down what you think you should feel or what other think you should feel. Find your truth and then find a way to work towards that truth. If it happens that you don't love your husband enough to be with him for the rest of your life, you need to face that. Your son will most likely be a much happier child and grow into a well adjusted adult if he wittnesses his parents being honest with thier feelings and happy because they respect their own heart and mind enough to act on what is true, instead of what friends, family , religious leaders and counselors tell them they should feel and do. There is a wonerful peace that comes over you when you live in your truth. I used to find myself wondering what God's will was for me. I would get into hard situations and just want to turn it over to God and have make all the decisions for me. When I finally started searching my heart and mind(the free will that God gave me), I found that when I acted the truth I found there, I found peace. That peace is God's way of letting me know I have chosen the right path. Sometimes it's a rough path, but when it's the right one you will reach your intended destination. We all deserve to be happy, but you'll never be happy until you get honest with yourself. Take time to find out what you really want and work toward that, being as kind and loving as you can with all those involved. If you don't love your husband enough to stay with him forever, please love him enough to want him to have a woman in his life that loves him in that way. It would be a far kinder act to let him be totally loved than to stay with him only partially committed. You're in a tough spot. I hope you can find your way to the other side. No matter what you decide, all of you can have a joy filled life. Let your heart and mind guide you. Take good care of yourself and all those that you love. Make sure you are happy- then you can help your son to grow into a happy man.
The truth
Posted by: boston33
Posted on: 2005-01-05 13:33:08

Thank you for replying. You want to know what lead me to the affair. My husband is very insecure with himself. I on the other hand have great confidence and exude that in all parts of myself. He wanted to control who I talked to, who my friends were etc. His insecurities and constant questioning drove me to look for comfort elsewhere. Having an affair was not the right answer. I have admitted to my mistake and I want to make it right for everyone involved. I wish I had turned to another man but in my case the other person is a woman. She is kind, loving, compasionate, understanding and completly in love with me. I have found a different kind of peace and comfort with her. However, she like my husband is very posseive. I don't want to feel like I am someones property. Their trophy if you will. I do love both of them very much but the current situation has made them both feel that I don't love anyone but myself. You said I need to be honest with myself and I am working on that. I have a very hard time expressing my true feelings out of fear that they will hurt someone else. I am finding now that truth is the only thing that will set your soul free. I am willing to put forth the effort to make my marriage work. The fear of it not working is hard to overcome. I am scared that he will never beable to forgive. I don't know how long I will beable to have him question, snoop and throw the past in my face. I know it is part of the healing process and part of building new trust. I just don't know how long I can take it. I know that I have completly messed up and all I can do now is take the lesson and make the best of it. I worry some days that he is forcing himself to stay with me out of fear he won't find love again. We have 4 children between us and I don't want either of us to stay for the kids sake. They will know that we are not happy. The mother of his 2 yr. old daughter has wedged herself into our problems. She has made things far worse for the two of us. It is like she is trying to sabotage anything good we have. She is now withholding his visitation because she feels that I am not moral or worthy to be around their daughter. I do not want him to choose me over his daughter and I'm not sure this woman will ever get over herself. She is very vindictive and is always trying to keep their girl from him. I carry alot of guilt over this issue. Any advice? I know that people on this site will have negative feed back. I have learned one thing, you have to take the good with the bad. Thank you again for your feedback. I am growing and taking steps back to inner peace and happiness.
Inner peace
Posted by: deeded62
Posted on: 2005-01-05 20:14:18

Dear Boston33,
It sounds like you have a lot to sort through. I am curious why you said you wish you had turned to another man instead of a woman. Are you not comfortable with loving a woman the way you do? Only you know what feels right to you-don't let the world tell you what to do about this relationship, just because it is uncoventional. I am also wondering why someone with your confidence level would be involved with not one, but two controlling people. Pehaps a good psychologist could help you sort that out. I found a wonderful psychologist that I worked with for about six months and really turned my way of thinking around. I too found myself involved with controlling type personalities. I always thought I was confident, but it was just a front. Now that I am certain of what I want in life and have set boundaries of what I will and won't accept from a partner- I am far happier than I have ever been. I also find myself questioning if you love your husband or are you in love with who you would like him to be. If you were to make a list of the qualities your dream partner would possess, would the words controlling or insecure be on the list. I wonder if either one of the people you love are the right person for you. It is quite possible you deserve and need someone better than either one of them. From my personal experience I can say it would be hard to succeed in either relationship unless you are going to committ yourself 100% to saving one relationship. It sounds to me that you need to committ 100% to your mind, heart and needs and find someone that fits with you. Not someone that you need to make serious alterations to thier pesonality to make you feel comfortable. I also gather that you are not confident that your husband loves you fully. Why do you feel he is staying with you because he may not find a new love. I don't think I could spend the rest of my life with someone if I was uncertain that he loved me. I can imaginge that he is feeling quite a bit of pain right now and that woulk make it hard to let his love show through. Have you asked him about his insecurities. Is he willing to get some help with his issues? Both of you need to be 100% committed to saving your relationship. Hurt or not he has no excuse for not putting his all into saving your marriage if he truly loves you. He can't expect you to pick up all the broken pieces and fix your relationship by yourself. You messed up and it sounds as if you are honest when you say how sorry you are. How many times do you have to pay for your stepping outside of your relationship? As far as the mother of the two year old-- how many people do you need in your life that are trying to controll you? She will always be in your husbands life. If she remains unchanged in her behavior the quality of your marriage will be affected. If your husband is so controlling, why doesn't he control her? Let him know you expect him to handle the situation with her. Be supportive of him, but do your best not to let her into your relationship. He has a duty as your husband to protect you. And you have a duty as a adult to protect yourself. It would probably be best to sort through your relationship with your husband first. Be honest with your other love and let her know that you are not free to be with her until you know with all certainty that you do not love your husband in a way that you will be able to stay faithful to him and happy for the rest of your life. If that turns out to be the truth then you can explore your other relationship. You may discover that neither one is right for you. That would be a scary thing to face, but if true, you could set yourself free from both of them and find someone who makes you happy - just as they are and who loves and accepts you just as you are. Oh woman! You sure have your plate full. You really owe it to yourself to discover what you really want in your life and to go for it. It would be better to admit a mistake and do what ever is necessary to correct that mistake that to look back at your life with regrets. I am so sad to think that your have to go through this pain. But I can tell you from my personal experience, It is well worth sorting out. Remember that you are a good person. Yes you have hurt the ones you love and they have hurt you, but true love forgives. Don't accept anything less in your life. Everyone deserves to be happy- even those of us who have made serious mistakes.
Take care
Dee
Finding myself
Posted by: boston33
Posted on: 2005-01-06 15:56:31

It makes me feel sad to know this is the lesson I had to learn to learn how to love myself and others completly. I a truly fine loving another woman. I don't honestly know why I feel it would have been easier with a man. Partly I guess because that is what the world expects and is willing to bare. I'm not sure why I get into relationships with controlling people. I used to think that my strong personallity drew insecure people towards me. Like they feed off of me. They all seem to be stronger once the relationship ends. I get weaker each time. It drains me. I have always been the bread winner in every relationship I have been in. I really want my life partner to beable to take complete care of themselves. I don't want to be needed. I want to be wanted. As for the mother of the 2yr old. She has something over him. I can't quite put my finger on it. He went nearly 1 1/2 yrs without even seeing his daughter because he didn't want to fight with her (So he says). He has some fear of confrontation with her. That is definatly something he will have to deal with if we are going to beable to be together forever. I can't not tolerate another woman running my life. She is constantly calling him to tell him that people call her and tell things about me and my past. He chooses to believe a big part of what she says and I get accused of things that have no bearing on our marriage. You know one can only take so much of that before they walk. I have a great fear that he is going to expect me to give up all the things I deeply love in my life to give him the trust he needs or is looking for. I have a great love for sports and this woman also has that same love. She will be at any sporting event I choose to participate in. We have several mutual friends. I don't know that I am ready to give up the one true stress reliever that I have in life. I feel selfish. Do I not love him enough because I am not willing to walk away from everything to give him confidence in my love? I get a lump in my stomach everytime I think about this stuff. I don't want him to dictate who my friends will be from this point forward. He feels that my friends conspired with me to have an affair. They are my friends and they did nothing to betray him. I was the one who made a lifetime commitment to him not them. He has already started saying if we work things out you won't beable to see this person, talk to that person etc. I know that he is in a tremendous amount of pain. Pain beyond belief but you are right how many times do I have to pay for my mistake. The guilt alone is nearly enough. I will live with that pain everyday.I hope that each day will get easier to deal with because right now some days seem impossible to face. Thanks for you support and friendship. CC
How much can you take?
Posted by: deeded62
Posted on: 2005-01-07 10:08:08

Lifes lessons sure are hard at times! What I have discovered in my life is that I have chosen a hard path at times. Sometimes we make the wrong choice and it feels like everything that follows that choice is hard. I am concerned about you and your husband. It sure doesn't sound like either one of you are willing to put the other first in thier life. I don't believe that you have to put your husbands desires above yours, but I do believe that you need to put his desires equal to yours. You said that you would not give up sports or your friends to satisfy your husband. Are the friends and sports more important than your husbands peace of mind? What about moving to a new area? You could make new friends and participate in sporting events without seeing the other woman. Is your love for your husband strong enough to do that for him? I know that moving and getting new jobs is a huge stress in a already almost unbearable situation, but maybe you could look at it as an opportunity at a fresh start- an adventure with the one you love more than anyone else in the world at your side. If you don't love him in that way, if you are not willing to do what ever is necessary to rebuild a marriage with him, I have to wonder if you are with the right partner. When I think of strong a strong person, I don't invision a woman accepting a man that is less than what she wants. You have said you want a partner who can share the bread winning role with you. You appear to want a partner that is secure and non controlling. You want a partner that puts you above all else. Yes you have hurt your husband deeply, but I also belive that he is hurting you deeply. Can you guys sit down and get really honest with each other. Maybe ask him to write down the five things he loves most about you and the five things he can't tolerate about your behavior in his life. Then you make the same list and sit down calmly and discuss your future together. Take an inventory and find out if the two of you have everything you need to rebuild your relationship. If you don't--- Are you both willing to pay the price of getting the necessary things to rebuild your marraige? You really can't let the other woman into this process. You owe it to yourself , your husband and her to make a systematic search for the truth and align your life with that truth. Your husband deserves to be loved fully by a woman. He deserves trust, peace and joy. If you can't provide those things through your love for him (He has to do his part too) you need to let him go. Treat him with dignity. Every human deserves that. You do too! I believe you are a kind person and that you are trying not to hurt either one of the loves in your life, but until you can decide who you want to be with, you will continue to hurt both of them. This other woman was put into your path for a reason. Maybe she is there to make you realize you want to fight for your marriage. Maybe she is there to make you realize that you are unhappy and need to work on your issues so that you are ready for a healthy relationship. Or maybe she is in your path because she is the one you are intended to be with. It's your job to find out. Gather as much information as your can to help you make a healthy decision. I am sure a lot of your pain comes from the fact that you are hurting the two people you love most in this world. Just remember to love and respect yourself. You will make a good decision-you are intelligent and kind- put those qualities to work and get this job done. You can make all this pain stop. You have the power to make the choice to be happy. Today will be gone, do you want to waste tomorrow the way you wasted today? I realize that I hardly know you, but I have faced some of the same heartacches that you have. It sucks- for lack of a better word. But there is something good waiting at the other side. Be strong and work your way to the other side. This mess is affecting you and everyone that is dear to you. Make a choice to set yourself and all those you care about free from this confusion. Base your actions with love and move forward. Your Friend Dee
I'm at the end of my rope
Posted by: boston33
Posted on: 2005-01-07 15:56:04

You have obviously expierenced some of the same pain and heartache I am now going through. You have given me some great ideas on moving forward and a new outlook on how important my belief in myself is. I don't know if I am willing to do what it will take to get my husbands confidence and trust back. He has been unclear about what he expects. I sometimes think he acts like this never happened and then he blows up. There is no way that we can go back to before the affair. If we don't deal with the issues at hand we will both grow resentful and hateful. I don't know that his expections are realistic. I am going to try writing down the 5 good and bad things and have him do the same. I think that may get us on the right track. He may not be willing to give into me because he feels that I am the one who has been wrong (and I have but he is not perfect either). I know that I have to move full force in one direction or the other it is just very difficult to make that decision. I am being very indecisive and I can't put my finger on why. I still have that grave fear that he will never let me be free of my mistake. I don't want or deserve to have it thrown im my face forever. I guess I have a lack of trust with him as well. I can take full ownership for the things I do wrong in my life and if we never made a bad decision we would be robots. We have different lessons to learn some hard and some easy. It is very heart breaking knowing that I have the power to hurt someone the way I have. I am convinced to turn that power to making people happy. I am a very kind and loving person who has made some bad choices. Moving is not really an option. I have a daughter with another man and I'm not willing to uproot her. I have just started to read Dr. Phils book Family First. I'm not to far into it but I hope to get some good ideas from him to help our kids through this. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I will find the reason why she has crossed my path and I am determined to take the best part of her to better my life and hers. She is the most amazing person and I feel that she deserves more than me but she believes different. I have created quite a mess for myself and I know that at the end of this tunnel I will be a stronger, better person. It is nice to know that there are good people like you out who are willing to share there experiences with others to help better them. You will get great love and rewards for your kindness. Thank you CC
He's not perfect either
Posted by: deeded62
Posted on: 2005-01-08 12:07:40

Hello Again! I am glad you appear to be in a more positve frame of mind. Once you start really working on the situation you are in you will gain energy to see things through. Getting to the truth of how you and your husband really feel about each other will help you move forward-- at this point it's hard to know which way forward will be, but with effort you will find your direction. Please remember that it was your bad choice that hurt your husband. That choice does not determine who you are. No one is perfect. Sometimes it seems that we are surrounded by people that would never make some of the poor choices that we have- but they have never been in our shoes. I used to be one of those people that looked down on others that had been unfaithful to their spouses. As a matter of fact, I had no tolerance at all for people who would do such a mean thing. I was married to a man who had numerous sexual encounters while we were married. I know the pain first hand. I did leave him. I was young and without children. I knew in my heart I could never trust him again. He said he only told me about the other women(20-30 of them- he wasn't sure of the #!) because he had to get it off his chest. It was logical and easy for me to walk out the door. After that nasty experience I took a long break from men. When I finally did remarry, I sought out a man whom I believed would be faithful and a good father. I found those two things in him, but I didn't find what I needed from him as a partner. He always put his family before me. Our first christmas together money was quite tight. He bought his presents for all his neices and nephews, his parents, his single sister-but nothing for me. My mistake was not speaking up. I wanted to be the sweet wife. Then our kids came along. They rated well above me too. I felt like a maid, a warm hole to put his manhood in, a vessel to carry his children, but I never felt I was first in his life. I was miserable and gained over 100 lbs.. He got to the point where he didn't want to be seen with me in the public. I had a horrible job working with two of the nastiest women I have ever know. They were both cheating on their husbands, both alchoholics and stealing money from the business. My husband would get upset when I would talk of leaving my job. Did I forget to mention I had to be a bread winner too! I asked him for years to go to counselling or church with me. I would get no response. Just as soon as I stopped talking about whatever was bothering me he would consider the issue solved-brushed under the rug. Well, by the time I turned forty the rug was about up to my neck- ready to swallow me whole. I quit my job, found one that was ok. I gained some energy from the move and started to loose some weight. I have now lost 75lbs. No tricks- I just ate less and exercised more. I am really feeling better. At my new place of employment I felt so valued. I worked with wonderful women and one very special man. He and I became very good friends. He was in a bad marriage. One thing lead to another and we ended up having an affair. Yes me! The righteous person that looked down at people like the one I became. I didn't have the affair with the intention of hurting my husband. I regret not leaving my failing marraige before I became involved with another man. It was wrong, wrong, wrong, but it happened and now I must take the painful steps of ending my marriage. We are separated. He was not interested in counselling or talking to anyone about this. He wanted to keep it a secrete and just resume our broken relationship. There was just no way to sweep this one under the rug. I decided that I couldn't live this way anymore. I had grown during our marriage and he was content being nearly exactly who he was the day we got married. I know I need more from a man. He will never meet my needs. I do care about him and hope that he can meet a woman that will love him as he is. He certainly wasn't a perfect husband, but he did't deserve to be treated the way I treated him in the end. I wish I would have been honorable and left him before I hurt him so deeply. The trust is shattered between us. I don't trust that he will change after so many years of the same unaccepatable behavior. And I don't have enough love left to endure him not trusting me everytime I walk out the door. I love him enough to let him go and find his happiness elsewhere. I know that I will be a better mom to our teenagers when I am happy with who I am. I am now getting closer to the real me and I like me. I am learning to forgive myself for my bad choices. I won't hurt anyone that way again. And what is really wonderful is that I won't allow myself to be hurt the way I was for all those years. I vow to be honest and happy from this day forward. I will be a good mom to my children. I will have a good man in my life or I'll go it alone. There are still days where I just feel like crying, but I make it through. The next day always seems better. I know there are better days ahead for you. Keep working on your problems. You will find that you are less depressed when you are working towards making your difficult decision than just feeling bad about the situation. Hang in there--It gets better. I look forward to hearing about your progress. Your Friend Dee
It's gonna get worse before it gets better
Posted by: boston33
Posted on: 2005-01-10 18:28:59

Morning Dee, Your story gives me great hope that no matter what direction is forward it will be ok. I had a really bad weekend. I went somewhere I shouldn't have gone. Nothing happened between me and her but we were together all day Saturday. I was upfront with my husband that she would be where I was. He basically freaked out which is to be expected. The worst part is that I stayed. He made me so upset by the hurtful things he said that I just said what the heck. I'm here he's mad I'm staying. It was not a good decision. Everytime I see her I realize that I can't control the feelings I have for her. I should probably give you a little more background. I was with another woman for 4 yrs before my husband and I starting dating. I dated the current woman in between. We dated only for a short time and I got scared and ran. We talked on and off for quite sometime. When I got married it was hard for my husband to see us talking so I completly cut of all communication with her for about 8 months. It was ok my marriage was liveable. My husband is a really great guy but I have this connection with her that for some reason neither of us can walk away from. My husband started getting more insecure and controlling. She would call or send me a text message and he was reading them and erasing them before I could see them. He would take what she said and twist it to his favor (i guess). He would then take it out on me as though I was doing something wrong. The worst part was at the time I wasn't even engaging with her. I suppose that is what lead me to today. I was so tired of being accused of things I was not doing. I consider myself to be a pretty woman and daily I would get comments like everywhere you go someone wants to be with you, you can have anybody you want and everyone is a threat to me etc. Is it fair to me that just because I take pride in how I look that I can't go out in public because someone might look at me in a sexual way? I asked him once if he would be happier to go out with me if I weighed 50lbs more and didn't take care of myself. His response, NO!! What a shock. I chose him and that wasn't security enough. I just got tired of hearing that I you know I made the wrong choice. I too should have left him before engaging in this new relationship. Now I am in a pickle because I truly love them both. I should put my full love and effort into him but I am scared that I will not be trusted ever again by him. It is not a good feeling to be questioned all of the time. I know that I am the one that created the hurt and non trust now in our life. He says that if I don't talk to her and to leave any function that she shows up at then he will beable to trust me again. I already went and entire summer not playing sports like I was used to because she was on some of the teams. I will eventually lose that part of my life and I don't know if that is fair. It is not the sports that caused me to cheat. I have even got him involved in my sporting events. I don't know how to make him feel more comfortable. He came to watch every game that he was not playing in. He and I need to really have a nitty gritty heart to heart. I think he is just as scared that I will continue to be unfaithful and dishonest. I know that my fears are playing a big role in my commitment to our marriage as it is to his commitment. We both have alot of feelings we don't share out of fear of hurting the other person worse. You know we humans seem to let our fears control us. Until we decide to take control of our fear we will stay stuck in the same place forever. My husband and I will figure out how to move on together or apart. We will both be stronger, happier and healthier people. I am always here for you. Your friend CC
My marriage was ok, it was liveable
Posted by: deeded62
Posted on: 2005-01-10 19:58:21

Good evening CC, Glad to hear back from you. The more you write, the more I realize how similar our love triangles are. I am concerned that you describe your marriage when it was new as just ok and liveable. I have to wonder if your husband is the right mate for you. It souunds as though your relationship has been challenged by the ghosts of previous relationships from the start. That's a rough way to start out. All relationships take work and it sounds like you two were starting out with quite a handicap. This unbreakable connection you have with the other woman- could you tell me more about it? I believe I am in a similar situation. I do care for and would even go as far to say that I love the man I am now divorcing. But I love him because he is a good father to our children, he is for the most part a kind and honest man. He does his best, but he carries a lot of baggage from his childhood. He was conditioned to treat his wife the way his father treated his mother. His father was at times physically abusive, and spent a few years with an alcohol problem. His mother endured all of this abuse while remaining quiet and retreating into her own little world. My husband spent his childhood covering up for the disfunction in his family. He was so effective in covering up all this pain that he can not even admit that some of these things went on. I only found out about these issues as some of his other siblings went through divorces. None of his siblings are in a healthy marriage, despite all being catholic and attending mass every Sunday. It all seems to be about appearances with that family. I just didn't see past the facade when we met. His parents were married for sixty years before his mother passed away. It was all for show. She was obediant and quietly abused. All of their children were adversely affected by their parents phoney happy marriage. I believe that if two people can't treat each other with respect and kindness that they really should end their relationship. I am not trying to be mean, but your spending the day around the other woman was very cruel to your husband. He has made it clear that he can't handle your being around her. I wonder if at a subconcious level you are trying to get him to leave you. The reason I ask that is because the other man I was involved with doesn't seem to have the balls to leave his wife. He said if she left him that he wouldn't stop her. She suprized him by staying after our affair was discovered not once, but twice. Neither one of them want to be the bad guy. I suspect she is hanging on for her lifestyle. People that have known them for years, including their pastor have said that they really don't belong together. Neither one is 100% committed to their relationship. They have both been dishonest and are in my opinion delaying the inevetable. She does not trust him and is not free to trust him because she knows that he still cares for me. He is unwilling to let me go. We are not seeing each other at this time. She is under constant threat that he may choose to be with me. How is she supposed to rebuild her marriage with that crap going on? I sometimes feel like I want to walk away from him. I have distanced myself at times, but this damn unbreakable connection keeps me bound to him and him to me. I have chosen to pay attention to this connection. I believe it is the real love I have always searched for. What is funny is that I wasn't searching when I found this man. If I wasn't in so deep with him, seeking a relationship at this time in my life would be the last thing I would be doing. I wish I had answers for you. I am certain Dr. Phil would have a few ideas for all of us involved. Thanks for sharing the details of your life. I hope we can learn from each other. Keep strong and keep working towards happiness- you will get there! Take care and go kiss those sweet kids of yours. Your friend Dee
Soul mates
Posted by: boston33
Posted on: 2005-01-12 12:05:44

It's ironic, your husbands childhood. I have a similar background. My father was killed when I was very young. My mother remarried when I was 8. I was not very accepting or happy about the new love my mother had found. It only got worse by the days. My stepfather was very negative and verbally abusive to everyone in our home. He made it clear that kids were to be seen and not heard. He was kind of the slave driver type. I too pushed all of the resentment and hate deep down inside. I married my first husband at the young age of 19. I had to get out of my parents home. I walked away from the great opportunity to attend college and learn about myself. My husband and I had a beautiful little girl. We were so young and didn't know what we really wanted out of life and ended up being more like roomates than husband and wife. We did all of the right things to stay together but it was best to part and just parent together and be friends. We have done a great job with that. My childhood taught me to always keep my feelings to myself. We weren't aloud to discuss how we felt. I hated my stepfather for quite sometime. When I divorced the first time I did alot of soul searching. I have forgiven him and we now have a strong loving relationship. I still harbor alot of pain and I am scared to share myself with anybody out of fear of rejection. I used to be the kindest most soft hearted person I knew. I guess I got so tired of getting walked on that I became this selfish cold hearted witch. Right now I am struggling to find a happy medium. I sympathize with you exhusband and I hope that he can find peace within himself someday. About that undeniable connection I have with this woman. We have both tried to walk away and it seems impossible. We just keep finding each other. I was not looking for her when I fell deeply in love. It almost seemed to good to be true and I didn't know what to do with that. I'm scared of love because I have never expierenced true love. Not in my own relationships or that of my parents. She is the most amazing person you could ever hope to meet. I wish I could explain it to you but it sounds like you already know. I am in the same situation as your man. I don't know in my heart that I want to be with my husband or that we can even make it work but I'm scared that if I don't try and make 100% sure then I won't beable to be with her without looking back. I desprately want to be with her. I am so happy when we are together. We have so much in common and doing nothing is almost funner than doing anything else. She is in your shoes. I know that she is hurting and wants to walk away. It is not fair for me to put her 2nd to everything. She deserves to be #1 along side my children. Man is she good with them. They love her very much. I have had a struggle with my 8yr old. She has taken some flack from kids at school about my choice to be in a same sex relationship. I have to be honest this has held me back. Last night she told me she was walking away and that she would never come back. The pain and hurt I have caused her have been too much. She said we won't beable to be friends because of her love it would be too painful. What a relief for me! Not really, I have never had such an empty feeling in my heart before.I truly consider her to be my soulmate. Why is it so hard to just love her like she deserves to be loved? Why can't I walk away from the marriage I'm so unsure of? She will hold my heart forever and I don't know if I will beable to take it back to give to someone else when I get the strength to end my marriage. I'm positive that Dr. Phil could help both of us. We are is such a similar place right now. Stay strong and follow your heart. It may hurt but he will come around. Don't wait enjoy your life. Have you seen the movie serindipity? The stars will lead the two of you together. Keep your chin up and remember that you have found a friend in me. I am here for you always. CC
Are you giving up on love?
Posted by: deeded62
Posted on: 2005-01-12 19:26:17

DearCC, What did you mean when you said you didn't know if you could get back your heart from your true love to give it to someone else when you get the strenght to end your marriage??? Why wouldn't you give your heart to her? I understand that she needs to walk away from the pain right now. Is it possible that she is telling you that so that you are free to give 100% of your effort to sorting out your failing relationship with your husband. That would be a wise move on her part. She would have the benefit of knowing that you completely ended your relationship with your husband and that you are finally free to love her. Or by ending it with you, you will be free to repair the relationship with your husband. Either way she has your best interest at heart. That sounds like true love to me. I am just guessing at her reason for walking away and at the same time I am telling you the exact two reasons I am no longer physically involved with the man I love. He really needs to sort his issues out without me in the way. If he really does love his wife and they can repair thier marriage-then that is what I want for him. I want him to be happy. It would hurt me terribly, but I will have to face him staying with her if that is what will make him happiest in his life. I love him enough to want him to find the truth. When he talks of his wife, he always uses the terms "have to" "should do ", when he talks about us he only uses "wants". I think those little words tell a lot. I know that when I have to do something, I stand a much better chance of succeeding if I also want to complete the task. The word want shows me where his passion lays. It is with me, not his wife. I wonder if you feel the same about you lover and husband. I am curious if you feel as though you should or have to be with him, but you really want to be with her? I can not imagine that it is over between the two of you (you and her). But this is your opportunity to finish it one way or the other with your husband. If you love him enough to put him first in your life and to forget about all others , then stay with him. If you don't , you really need to let him go so that he can be first in some woman's life. He deserves that! If you don't love him enough to make him number one, please love him enough to let him go and find true love elsewhere. Hang in there and let me know how things are going. I am so glad we met. You have been such a help to me. Your Friend Dee
I don't have to!
Posted by: boston33
Posted on: 2005-01-13 17:02:37

My guess is that you are correct about alot of things. I'm certain that she is walking away for one of the two reasons you mentioned. I am also sure that it is for her own sanity and peace of mind. I have given my heart to her and if she will still have me when I have moved past the other then that would me perfect. If not, I don't know that I could give my heart to someone else. I truly don't know that it could ever be over between us. We have such a deep love for each other I don't know that it could ever be completly over. I know that I'm staying with my husband because it is what other people want. I feel it is what I should do but it isn't what I want. We don't even have any romance in our lives. We don't sleep together we meerly go through the motions. I keep hoping it will get better but I'm scared it won't. This constant fear of what might or might not happen is killing me. I am a very analytical person and I don't like the unknown very much. I have to create a destiny for myself that is condusive to me and my children. I am enjoying my conversations with you so much. I actually look forward to it each day. I don't know where you are at with this man but I am here to help you along the way. Your experience has shown me that there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. I feel lost most of the time and my job and kids are all that keep me going right now. Your friendship and kindness have given me hope. I was about to give up on friendship because those I thought were my friends betrayed me through the mess I'm in. All they wanted to do was gossip about it and point out all of the things I did wrong. You have stepped up without even knowing me to help me through my hard time. I hope you had someone to help you through your pain and if not I want you to know that you have me by your side to get through what may come. We will both find the truth and love we are looking for. Please email me if it is easier than this. My address is money4u33@yahoo.com. I hope you are having a great day. Lots of love and laughter CC
It is happening to me too..
Posted by: lekkerder
Posted on: 2005-01-07 20:07:34

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year. We have been living together for 6 years and have a three years old girl. I just found out three weeks ago that he had a one night stand two years ago which produced a child. This child is now one year old. We had a very good thing going. House, cars, vacations, plans for the future and so on. We have a healthy relation (at least I thought so). Now I am been hit by this bomb shell and have no idea what to do with. I love him and I know he loves me but, how do I begin to process this? I have been living a lie for two years. I asked him why he didn't tell me before the wedding and he said he was affraid I would call off the wedding.It hurts!
Dear Lekkerder
Posted by: deeded62
Posted on: 2005-01-10 20:02:40

I noticed that you have not had a reponse to your message. If you will go to Community( at the top of this page) then click on message boards, scroll down to Relationships/Sex and click on Marriage you will find some more active message boards that may respond to your message quicker. I am sad to know that you are going through such pain. No one deserves the pain you are experiencing. Please remember that the pain is temporary. Some how you will get through to the other side. I hope you and your husband can find the best solution for your crisis. Dee
Thank you Dee!!
Posted by: lekkerder
Posted on: 2005-01-11 09:39:05

You seem to be a source of inspiration for many. "Love is stronger than pride". That I beleive also but, how do you start to get over this? Not only did he have sex with another woman but now I have to deal with a child which will remind me constantly of his wrong doing. Innocent children are in the middle of this. I used to hear stories from other people and used to thank God that my husband is different, now I know he is just the same as all those others. This is the hardest thing I have had to deal with. I will check out the community messager board, thanks again, Lekkerder
the ex wife
Posted by: cherierose
Posted on: 2005-01-17 10:03:29

Hi my name is Rose,I have been with my fiance for 5 yrs now we are engaged (1yr) now he has been divorced 10yrs when I met him,he has one son 19,gone off to college (2hrs. away). The problem I have is the ex-wife has been calling everyday to talk to my fiance and its not always about there son.There son left for college in August 2004,the ex wife has been calling every day since minus about 8 days.. I feel so confused and disrespected by this,we do share a home.The ex wife was married a second time when I met her for 5 yrs. she has divorced about 2 yrs ago.I spoke to my fiance about this and he feels I am over reacting,I feel I am not. I have thought about calling his ex and talking to her about this,we have always gotten along,Now I wish she would go away and let us be happy and have are life togather like she say's she wishes for us.I sometime's feel like leaving him,its hard I love him. Can anyone relate to this,any responses would be helpfull?
Let the cage door open and change your doorlocks!
Posted by: kelhyder
Posted on: 2005-02-03 12:23:19

I feel that Kandi needs to have enough respect for herself to not let this man have it both ways. Forcing him to make THE DECISION is not accomplishing anything. I would write a letter expressing my love with no pressures, state that my respect for myself and the children is high on the list - too high to allow him to go to and fro! Let him go, open the cage door! Next time he is with her, the door locks are changed, his car is gone (yes, have someone get his car while he is having his fun)and he can deal with the fact that a woman can have more respect and should have more respect for herself than this man could even comprehend. The harder you try to hang onto him, the further he will go down the wrong road. The best route to have any chance in this marriage is to DEMONSTRATE YOUR RESPECT for YOURSELF and DEMAND RESPECT from others! I believe ONCE anyone finds out their SPOUSE is having an affair, there needs to be a bombshell dropped on their lives, the cage door opened and a crisis that will cause them too much shame that they won't want to suffere the consequences again. Am I saying don't forgive? Absolutely not. But, to save a marriage....to make sure it doesn't happen again......You better make sure the FIRST offense will cause them to NEVER DISRESPECT YOU AGAIN!