Dealing with Control Issues | Dr. Phil

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Relationships/Sex

Dealing with Control Issues

September 12, 2002

Is control a problem in your relationship?

Start taking responsibility for your actions. It’s time to examine how your behavior might enable your controlling partner.

Negotiate boundaries with your spouse — not when you’re arguing, but during “peace time.” Agree to have a consequence if these boundaries are crossed. For example, if your controlling partner starts to dominate a discussion, call a time-out. Revisit the conversation only when you’re ready.

If you’re being pushed to your limit every day and you think about giving up, you will someday cave in. Giving up cheats you and your partner if you haven’t both made a concerted effort to improve your relationship.

Ask yourself, “What is it costing me to be in this relationship?” If the answer is your dreams, identity, or dignity, the cost is too high.

Controlling people often participate in emotional extortion: “Agree with me, or else….” For the good of your relationship, sometimes it’s best to agree to disagree.

Look at all of your options. You don’t have to engage in explosive arguments when dealing with a controlling partner. Refuse to participate when your partner is trying to control you.

Suffering in silence isn't love. By not dealing with a controlling partner's behavior, you're only enabling it to continue, and are therefore cheating the relationship.