Finding a Middle Ground

"If I had my way, we would have sex at least five times a week," says Deanna. "Every night would be good. Maybe even twice a night would be even better!"


"I want sex about, probably, two times a week," says Robert, Deanna's husband. He is bored with the missionary position, his wife's favorite.


"I feel like it's romantic. I feel like it's sweet, and I feel like it's more connecting," Deanna explains. "The sex between me and Robert should be like a movie, the sparkle into your eyes. It should be like making love."


[AD]"She wants the rose petals, she wants the bath going, she wants the wine, even though we don't drink wine," Robert says. 

"I always want it to be just the same cookie-cutter way, because we don't really have sex, so when we do, I want it do be my way," Deanna shares. "When Robert doesn't want to have sex with me, I feel rejected." 


"My biggest fear would probably be my wife believing that her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore, doesn't love her anymore. That would be the last thing that I'd ever want," Robert says.

"Are you being rigid about this, about a certain way that this has to be, a certain time, a certain position?" Dr. Phil asks Deanna. 

"I wouldn't be if we did it more often, so then I'd be willing to compromise, but since it's only, like, once a week, I feel like I need it my way, so I feel special, and loved and romantic," she says.  

"But there's two of you here," Dr. Phil points out.

"That's why he's got to give it a little more, and then I'd be more compromising," she says. 


"Maybe if you did it in different ways, then he might be motivated to do it some more," Dr. Phil hypothesizes. 

"I've tried to take it for the team," she says. "We have a 2-year-old, so it has to be at 8:30 because, you know, she goes to bed, and I get tired. I've got to wake up with her."


"We've talked about this many times, and we have tried different things, nothing off-the-wall crazy, but we've tried different things, getting out of the routine, but that lasts for a day and then it's right back," Robert says.  


"I just want it to be romantic, and I want another baby, so we've got to be doing it," Deanna says.


[AD]Dr. Phil points out that when women want sex at certain times to coincide with ovulation, it's not very romantic. "When something's not working, change it," he tells the couple. "If you give her what she wants, she's saying, 'I'll give you what you want.'"


"I just kind of need him to take that first step," Deanna says. 


"You've got to be willing to be creative," Dr. Phil says. "Have a spirit of doing that. Don't get 10 years, 15 years, 20 years into this relationship and then recognize that you've grown apart. Be creative!"