A Family Affair, Part 2: Dealing With the Affair

A Family Affair, Part 2: Dealing With the Affair
Dr. Phil continues to take an in-depth look into the aftermath of an affair.
In a video diary, Kandi records her thoughts: "I feel like I'm constantly competing for his love, for his attention. I can't do it for the rest of my life. I'm afraid that we're going to fall back into our old patterns and that he's going to say, 'Oh well, this is boring. I'm going to go out and have another affair' ... I'm feeling a little bit insecure today. We found out that [the other woman] is having a girl."
 
She explains, "I have a feeling because she knows it a girl, that she's going to use this baby as a pawn. I feel like I have to compete with this woman and it's no competition. I can't compete with her. I have three kids, I have to run a household. She's living at home with her mother. I've never seen her. I don't know what she looks like, but I heard she's pretty ugly. It's not about the looks, it's about the sex. She's a good lay, I guess. Oh, I hate her ...
 
"I have a lot of doubt, I have a lot of trust issues. I need to learn how to get those trust issues back. It's dealing with an addictive personality. That's what he is. It's like giving an alcoholic a key to a bar. He's fallen back so many times. God, he's lied to me so much ... I can't go on with this waffling back and forth with him threatening to go see the O.W. I can't live like that — with her over my head for the rest of my life. I just don't know if it's worth it."
Dr. Phil turns to Kandi: "There are a whole lot of women in America right now that are thinking, 'Kandi, you are a beautiful, intelligent woman and you need to kick his ass to the curb.' A lot of women are thinking exactly that."
 
"I have done that many times —" begins Kandi.
 
Dr. Phil interrupts: "No you haven't. Because you only do that once. You've ridden a roller coaster some, but there comes a point where you draw a line and say, 'That's it, I'm done. I'm not mad at you. I withdraw my feelings, I withdraw my emotions and you just go do whatever you're going to do because I'm not going to live like this.'"
 
"And that's what I was doing last time, before we came on the show. And that's when he came back home and he showed me all his love and I thought, 'This is really going to work this time. This is really going to work.' And then he ran into her at the hospital."
 
Ed interrupts her: "But I haven't done anything with her. I just talked to her, that's it."
 
"But emotionally, he is with her. Emotionally, for the past two weeks, he has been with her," says Kandi.
Dr. Phil asks Ed: "Do you or do you not want to do the right and best thing to try to get everything back in a healthy way?"
 
"If that's possible, yes."
 
"What do you mean 'if that's possible'? You want me to give you an insurance policy and say, 'Do this and your life will be wonderful'? I don't know because I don't control you."
 
Dr. Phil explains that some behaviors are downright aggressive and meant to be that way. "Did you or did you not bring this woman to your home, in [Kandi's] bed, on her mattress, on her sheets and have sex with her while [Kandi] was visiting her dying father?"
 
When Ed says yes, Dr. Phil continues: "See that's not just a random, 'Gee, I wasn't sure how I felt about things.' Did you or did you not say, 'It's just a matter of time until I go back to her'?"
 
"At one point. But not recently," says Ed.
Dr. Phil points out that Kandi was also inappropriate by e-mailing her ex-boyfriend when she learned about Ed's affair.
 
He asks Ed: "And so you get on your high horse and call her a 'b***h,' a 'slut' and the C-word. True?"
 
"Well, I was mad, of course," says Ed. "She had written some fairly intimate e-mails at the time to an ex-boyfriend basically saying that they should've been together. That it was a big mistake that she had gone with me instead of him. And I know she was hurt, but at the time I just reacted to that."
 
"It hurts, doesn't it?" Dr. Phil asks.
 
"Sure."
 
When Kandi begins to cry, Dr. Phil says, "Tell me why you're so upset right this moment."
 
"Because my dad could die any minute now. And I'm still having to deal with this," she says.
Dr. Phil asks Ed, "And you say that you want to support her, but did you not also say during that fight that 'I can't wait for you to go there because I'm going to bring her back here again'? ... What goes through your mind when you say that sort of thing?"
 
"You're mad, you're hurt and you just say things you shouldn't say. I mean, everybody does it," says Ed.
 
"Those are pretty vicious things to select, don't you agree? Because you know that the most vulnerable place that she is right now is losing her father. And you choose that particular attack point to threaten her. That's not random. If there's going to be a chance of this working out in a healthy way, I can tell you exactly, precisely what you have to do to do it," Dr. Phil tells Ed. "And you are capable of doing it. The question is will you or won't you?"