A Family Divided: Alex, Katherine, Jay

Meeting with Jay
Dr. Phil sends Alex and Katherine to talk with Jay about boys and dating, plus he has a big surprise for Alex.
Alex and Katherine flew to Dallas to spend the day with Jay. Dr. Phil wanted them to get a broader view of the world " especially when it comes to boys.

Jay takes them to Southern Methodist University, where he goes to law school. They meet up with his friends to talk about boys, dating, and making better choices for the future. Each of Jay's friends had some important advice for Alex and Katherine.

"First off, you've got to be careful. You never know what guys are thinking," one of Jay's friends cautions. Another suggests that they be friends with boys for a while and get to know each other before developing a romantic relationship. Boys that are interested in them should be interested in their goals and interests, and a boyfriend should also be a best friend.

Jay reminds the girls that "Once you've had sex with a guy, it's harder to go back and say 'We're going to keep dating, but we're going to do sexual relationships differently."

Jay's friends also advised that the girls set high standards for themselves because if they set the bar low, then they will achieve low.

Jay and Alex have a one-on-one conversation to discuss how Alex is feeling about herself now.

Jay asks Alex why she was dating a high school dropout who didn't respect her.

Alex explains, "My self-esteem was kind of crushed. When I was in high school, I wasn't most popular, but everyone liked me. Then when I got pregnant, I was kind of like I don't have any friends, so therefore I must be a really terrible person."

"You have to set higher standards for yourself," Jay says. "You are a really smart, really pretty, really nice girl, and you've got to think that of yourself, because I don't think you do ... Nobody will ever treat you better than you treat yourself. If you keep telling yourself that nobody's going to want to date you, then you're going to be right."

Jay asks Alex, "What do you say to yourself when you're in your room alone at night and no one is around?"

"You're going to die alone and Nathan's going to take care of you when you're old," she says. "You're not going to have anybody."

Jay asks Alex how that makes her feel when she thinks like that.

"It's lonely. It's like being in a cave and you only have your echoes to talk to. They're your only friends," Alex explains. "A lot has changed since I had Nathan. I don't have any of my old friends ... It hurts. I can't even describe it. Like nobody wants to be my friend because I have a baby, because I made a bad decision."

Alex admits that she agrees with her old friends, and she doesn't even want to be her own friend right now.

Jay comforts her saying, "You made a bad decision, but you're not a bad person."

Over lunch, Jay gives Alex and Katherine some "big brother" advice to take home.
Jay asks Alex, "How do you think guys label you?"

"Skank, slut, nasty ho, raunchy, been around the block," Alex says.

Jay responds, "You're not always going to be defined by what you used to do," and asks her, "Why is having a boyfriend so important?"

Alex answers, "I wanted to feel affection from someone other than my dad, a guy. When I got it from someone else, I was like, wow, this is different."

"You have to decide, before you ever go into any relationship, your own ground rules," Jay explains to Alex and Katherine. "You have to make a deal with yourself, of things that you will not do for anyone, compromises that you refuse to make.
Because it is real hard in the heat of the moment to say, 'Hang on, I am going to make the rational decision here.' You have to make those decisions before you ever get started dating someone. And if you do date, then you need to have really high standards."

He offers them some advice, "Don't ever go in a boy's bedroom and close the door, because you're not going to do anything that wrong, or that will lead to that bad of a situation, with the door open."

He concludes, "What I want you to do is require more of the guys that you would go out with. Make them treat you right; make them open doors for you. You deserve no less than the best."

Alex and Katherine both enjoyed their visit with Jay, and learned a lot about boys and dating.

Alex explains, "It was really nice to be treated like a lady ... It makes me realize how I should be treated on a date ... It was good to hear a guy's perspective ... I think that I am going to totally re-evaluate my standards and start from scratch, and decide what I really want in a guy."

Alex realized that it is OK for her to be by herself and not have a boyfriend. She adds, "Jay said people will only treat you as good as you treat yourself. That really hit the nail on the head there, and it really kind of stuck, that I'm worth a lot more."

Katherine says, "Before today, I didn't know that it was OK for me to say 'no,' and they would still want to be with me ... What really stuck out to me was that I have to set the bar for guys to come into my life before I even meet them ... In the future, I will be more a lot more selective, definitely, with the boys that I choose."