A Family Divided: The Real Marty: Dad vs Daughters

Daughters vs. Dad
Dr. Phil talks with Marty about his honesty and his relationships with his wife and daughters.Marty's relationships with his daughters have also been strained. In a previous show, Katherine said that she and Alex were going to be in big trouble with Marty for admitting the truth about him on the show. She said he would yell at them and punish them once the cameras were off.


Dr. Phil reiterates to Marty that it's important for him to be honest, so his relationship with his daughters can be positive and move forward. He encourages Marty, "They love you every day, including today."


Marty questions Dr. Phil, "They love me Phil? You think they love me?"


"I don't think there's any question about it," Dr. Phil replies.


"Then why wouldn't my daughter tell me what you found out?" Marty asks, referring to the details of Alex's life that she didn't share with her father.


"She's afraid of you!" Erin says. Exasperated, Dr. Phil says to Marty, "You answer that. Why would she tell me something she didn't tell you? ... I'm 3000 miles away and I know more about her than you do!"


"She has to want to work with me too, as much as I do her. I mean it's give and take," Marty explains.

"Are you telling me as you sit here today that you question whether your daughters love you or not? Be honest," Dr. Phil asks Marty.


"I think they love me," Marty replies. "Alexandra is mad at me because I am just fighting her tooth and nail on this boyfriend thing. And she's doing everything in the world that she can come up with to push my buttons. I truly believe that." As for his relationship with his younger daughter, he says, "I thought Katherine and I were going

down the right sidewalk together. I mean that's what she tells everybody in school and around."


"She's told me that when you're better and plugged in, you're better than you've ever been. But that it's not always that way," Dr. Phil says, referring to Katherine.


"I'll buy into that," Marty says.


Katherine confirms that at times, things are "very bad."

"I think you're sitting here pouting and feeling sorry for yourself because you think your girls have betrayed you by telling the truth," Dr. Phil says to Marty.


Marty disagrees saying, "I'm thinking they should have just told me to my face rather than come on television and have to tell somebody."


"You know why they're telling you here? Because I'm here to protect them," Dr. Phil says to Marty.


"From what?" Marty asks.


"You," Dr. Phil explains. "From blowing up and being verbally abusive with them."

Dr. Phil tells Marty that it is very important for him to make the girls feel safe at home so they will want to express themselves to him. If they fear his reaction to what they tell him, they won't be open and honest with him.


"You are the one, that I have said, is the lynchpin in getting [Alex] to understand, 'I don't have to be sexual to be valued and accepted by men.'

You're the one that can teach her that becaue you are the male in the family."


"And I keep telling her that day in and day out," Marty tells him.


"Well you know how long you need to tell her that?" Dr. Phil asks.


"For the rest of her life," Marty says.


"You need to tell her that until it sinks in. If it's every day for the next year, then it's every day for the next year," Dr. Phil exclaims.


"Well, maybe I'm not strong enough to do that," Marty says.


"If you're not, then you need to get strong, because you can divorce your wife, but you can't divorce those girls. They're yours and you've got to plug in," Dr. Phil stresses.

Dr. Phil asks Alex and Katherine what kind of relationship they want with their dad.


Alex angrily replies, "I want trust and understanding. I want to be able to tell you things and not have you jump down my frickin' throat. It pisses me off when you sit there and say, 'That's stupid,' ... That hurts my feelings. The things that you think are stupid mean a lot to me."

She tells him she wants to be able to talk to him about boys, because that's what's important in her life right now. "I can't do that because you get angry," she says through tears.


"If you're dealing with her in a reasonable way as an adult and as a father, then why are you rewinding the tape and recording over it? What are you ashamed of? What are you hiding? ... If you're proud of the way you're dealing with her, why are you doing that?" Dr. Phil asks Marty.


"You got me," Marty says to Dr. Phil.


"You know you're wrong. That's why you're doing it," Dr. Phil tells Marty. "So why are you sitting here defending it now? Do you want to be right or do you want your daughter to be connected?" Marty thinks about what Dr. Phil has said.

"What do you take away from what she just said?"


"She doesn't think I'm plugged into her basically. She wants me to lighten up on the boy issue, and I can't do that," Marty says.


Dr. Phil tries to get through to Marty that it's not just the boy issue. "It has to do with how she feels about who she is," he tells him. Dr. Phil explains that Marty is the male role model in Alex's life. "She comes to you to put her heart on the line, her needs on the line ... and what she gets is criticism, condescension, yelling, anger and bitterness," he says. "So she's learned, 'When I'm straight up, here's what I get, but when I'm willing to be sexual, boy everything seems to go a lot smoother.' Now I don't know how to put the dots any closer than that ... You are teaching her to retreat from relationships, and go straight to the easy thing." Katherine breaks into tears as she explains her frustrations with Marty. "You yell at us all the time.
You never listen to me or what I have to say about anything. You think spending time with me is just taking me anywhere, and then when I don't really want to talk right then you get in my face and you yell at me. When I want to call Mom you just take my phone away and yell at me even more. You never stop Dad ... I love you Dad. It just hurts any time you tell me how stupid I am or when you yell at me," she says.


She continues, saying that she thinks she is going to be in trouble at the end of the show for what she has said. "I know right now you're thinking, 'Boy, when I get out of this show I'm just going to ground her because Mom's not going to be here.' That scares me Dad. When Mom's not there, you're even different. And I just want you to be my dad."


Dr. Phil asks Marty, "What do you hear Katherine saying to you?"


"That I'm this mean, evil person. [Although] yesterday she hugs me and kisses me, tells me how much she loves me and how great I'm doing," Marty tells him. "So I don't know. I have mixed feelings."

Dr. Phil tells Marty to stop being defensive, and to really search within himself to hear what she has said to him.
"You have your daughter telling you, from her heart, what she thinks and feels, and all you can say is, 'Well, they don't like me,'" he says to Marty. "Do you hear anything from her?"


"I'm not giving her enough love, attention, affection, all that. Yeah, I hear that," Marty replies.


"She says, 'I'm afraid of you. You scare me. You get in my face. You don't respect me.' Is that how you want to be perceived by your daughter?" Dr. Phil asks.

When Marty says no, Dr. Phil says, "Then why don't you deal with that instead of being pissed off? What she's telling you is, 'I love you, you scare me. You don't respect me. You get in my face. You bully me.' That's what she's telling you, that's what she's feeling. Then you wonder why they look for a soft place to fall with some other male? You can't possibly be missing that," Dr. Phil says.


He asks Katherine what she wants from her dad. "I just want my dad to love me, and I don't want him to yell at me," Katherine says as she cries. "I love my dad a lot, and I just want him to be a part of my life, but I don't want to be with you if you're going to continue to be like this," she tells Marty.

Marty responds to Katherine saying, "I don't understand the whole phone thing. When did I take your phone away from you?"


A confused Marty says that he hasn't done that in a long time, and Dr. Phil says to him, "Is that all you hear out of this, is the telephone?" He goes on asking, "Did you miss the part where she said, 'I am terrified that I'm going to be alone with you ... and that's not a safe feeling.' And you want to talk about a cell phone? What the hell's wrong with you Marty?"


A frustrated Dr. Phil explains to Marty what the problem is. "You are managing these girls by intimidation, and in so doing, you are driving them away from you, you're driving them away from the family, and you're driving them right into the arms of predators ... and that's how young girls get in trouble, because their fathers don't make them feel special. Their fathers don't make them feel loved. Their fathers don't make them feel safe ... It's not about the cell phone. It's about the feelings these two young girls are experiencing!"


"I understand," Marty says, but, "I think they're making it sound a lot worse than it is."