Are You a Bitch: Lois

Are You a Bitch: Lois


Lois writes:

Dear Dr. Phil,

I am just a royal bitch. I've had it with the good-looking, sexy, sweet-talking men who lie and make those empty

promises. If you ask me, all men are no good.

I've recently lost over 170 pounds. I went from 318 to 142. When I was heavier, the men I dated were dogs, but at least they treated me better than the men I meet now. I'm a bitch now because when I try to be a good girl, the men treat me like dirt and turn me into a she-
devil. These men have turned me into an evil-ass bitch.

Dr. Phil, am I going to be alone for the rest of my life like my momma? Please, Dr. Phil, help a sister out.

The Bitch I Know I am


"Welcome to Dr. Phil's bitch-fest, 2006!" jokes Dr. Phil, with all his guests on stage. "It's interesting that all y'all think that you've been forced into this. Lois, you say that men have made you be this way?"

"Absolutely," she says. "You try to be good and try to treat them well, and they slap you in the face, or bring another woman around, or have five or six children on you."

Dr. Phil has a question for all the women. "What kind of person would put up with this kind of behavior? What kind of man do you think you're going to get if you say, 'All right, being nice doesn't work, so I'm just going to go from zero to bitch as soon as they walk up'? And if you're mean to them, and ugly to them, and offensive to them, and attack them, and they go, 'Oh, great. Sign me up!' what kind of guy do you think you're going to end up with that way?"

"One that has to be very strong," says Lois. "No, I mean, I'm not like that — " She stops, changing her mind. "I am like that. I am a bitch. I can't help it, I'm just a bitch. I know you say, 'How are you going to get a man if you're acting like a bitch?' Well, they like that."

"No, they don't!" says Dr. Phil.

"The ones I get, they love it," says Lois, "because when I'm too nice, they walk all over me. So I'm just a bitch. I'm a she-devil."

"Well, is there any middle ground between being a doormat and just ripping their heart out and eating it in front of them?" he asks.

"If I don't rip their heart our first, they're going to rip mine out. I've had it happen so many times," says Lois.

"But we're not all like that!" exclaims Dr.  Phil.

"Today," she retorts. "They say, 'Oh, we're not all like that,' then all of a sudden — Yes, you are," she says defensively. 

"I'm going to get that way if you keep this up!" jokes Dr. Phil. "I've tried to give you some alternative thinking today," he tells all his guests. "See, I think there is a difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness. If you are assertive, that's behavior that protects your rights without infringing on the rights of someone else. If you're aggressive, you protect your rights, and to hell with who it hurts. So there's a difference. Being assertive says, 'OK, you're not going to walk on me. You're not going to take advantage of me, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to treat you with dignity and respect.' Aggressive says, 'I don't care whether I treat you with dignity and respect or not, I want what I want when I want it, and I want it now.'"

"I think you have to make the decision on your own about whether you can be at peace with how you're behaving or not," Dr. Phil tells them. "I think if you can look yourself in the mirror and say, 'I absolutely have the right to good service. I absolutely have the right to being attended to by my life partner, my husband, my children, whoever. I have a right to that, and I'm going to stand up for that, I'm going to claim that. But that doesn't mean I have to start attacking the other person and labeling them as idiots or F-ing fools or morons or all evil-doers.'


"The number one predictor of divorce, above all else, is not whether you fight, disagree, argue, it's how you end a fight, disagreement, argument. If you begin to attack the other person's intellect, heritage, character, qualities, you start name-calling, 'You're just like your mother,' nobody is going to put up with that for very long. Anybody who would put up with that, you don't want a relationship with, right? Because obviously, they're spineless. And anybody who doesn't put up with it is going to leave you. So the whole idea is to become assertive, but not aggressive. Stand up for yourself, put the fence up and say, 'No. Stop sign. Boundary. You're not going to abuse me. You're not going to walk on me.

You're not going to take advantage of me, exploit me or take me for granted, so just know that.' And stop short of saying, 'You F-ing idiot.' You don't decide that they're all bad."

Dr. Phil asks Lois, "What do you hear me saying?"

"That they're not all idiots. But they are," she says.

Dr. Phil stares at her. "You're going to be a lonely woman."

"No, I'm not. Well, OK, right now," Lois admits. "But it's not my fault. I've

been married before, poor guy. Not to say I don't want to get married again, but he's going to have to deal with my bitchy ways. But I'm not a bitch like you," she gestures toward Teresa. "Whoa, I couldn't do that. I've been married before and if I said any of those things to my husband, I wouldn't be sitting here."

At the end of the show, Dr. Phil addresses all of his guests again. "I've always said the most important relationship you will ever have in life is the one you have with yourself. And the truth is, if you three had the opinion of yourselves that I have of you, you wouldn't do what you're doing. Anger, bitterness and all that is just a symptom. I look past that to see who's behind it. And what I see behind it in each one of you are really nice, interesting people with good personalities. And I truly believe if you had the opinion of yourself that I have of you, you wouldn't do that because you would be so confident that you would walk into a room and you would command attention and good treatment. It's all about accepting yourself. But you've got to trust yourself enough to say, 'I'm willing to freefall a little bit and see what really happens.'"