Ask the Bishop: Lisa

Proud to Be a Control Freak
The Bishop pays Lisa a visit, and they watch a video of Lisa describing her behavior.

"My role in the house is queen, dictator, regulator, warden and Miss It. I am the aggressor. I say exactly how it goes, and when it strays from how I want it, I'll throw a tantrum, and if you're around, you're going to get it," says Lisa. "I'm a control freak. It's all about me, just me, and I run it."

Lisa says not only does she run the household, she runs her husband, Jason's, life. "I pick out Jason's clothes. I tell him to stop clanking the plate with the fork. I can't stand all that scraping around," she says, adding that she also tells him how to drive. "When Jason needs to call his mom, I kind of give him instructions on how to word things."

[AD]Lisa says her family follows in line for fear of her behavior when she's mad. "When I'm angry, I'm ready to rumble. I argue every day if I don't get my way," she admits. "The small stuff escalates into the big stuff, and then Jason just shuts me down and tunes me out. I go into a tantrum ... Jason is passive-aggressive. He doesn't argue with me; he gives me the silent treatment."

Lisa shares her desire for her relationship with her husband. "I want Jason to be more assertive. My biggest fear is that all of this control that I have over him, that he'll get tired of me one day and just not be there," she says.


When the tape ends, Bishop Jakes says to Lisa, "You've got your whole life set up to kind of go a certain way and move a certain way."

"I'm a good wife. I'm a good mother, so why can't they be a good husband and good children?" Lisa asks.

"And good is however you decide it to be," the bishop says. "We've got some work to do."

The Bishop engages in a role-play activity with Lisa. "I'm going to act like I'm Jason, and I come in and say, ‘Lisa, how do you like my tie?'"

Lisa responds, "I've got another one in mind. You might want to change that."

They continue to exchange dialogue, and Bishop Jakes says, "You're giving him all of this attention, and all of this help and all of this support. What are you getting?"

[AD]"Not what I want, so that's why I rage," she says.

"When you go into a rage, what is it that you want?" Bishop Jakes asks.

"Appreciation, attention, all eyes on me, and I should be happy," Lisa says.

"So they are in this house to make you happy?" the bishop asks.

"Yeah," she says with a smile. "If I'm not, then what is marriage? What are kids?"

"Wow, Lisa," the Bishop says to her.In his studio, Dr. Phil asks Lisa, "How much fun are you to live with?"

"I think I'm fun," she says. "I'm having fun."

"You don't seem to be having fun," Dr. Phil says. "You seem to be bitching, complaining, moaning and whining from the time you get up until the time you go to bed."

[AD]"That's true," she replies.

Bishop Jakes addresses Lisa. "I think it's unbearable. I think it's asphyxiating, to deny another person their right to have an opinion, or be creative or to share space with them," he tells her. "Not only is it a problem in the marriage, but you start teaching your children to be selfish and controlling, and they're not going to fit into the world or have wholesome relationships."