Extreme Sex Differences: Kiza and Chris

Extreme Sex Differences: Kiza and Chris
Dr. Phil speaks with couples who say their sexual problems are destroying their relationships.
"I'm afraid that Chris is addicted to porn," says Kiza about her fiancé. "He looks at it probably like five times a week ... Chris' porn habit definitely makes me feel like I'm not enough for him. It hurts to know that when I'm gone, that he'll go somewhere and pick it up or go buy it. If a guy wants to look at porn, that's fine, but the guy I marry won't."

"Porno is a normal guy thing," says Chris. "Every guy should have the right to look at porn." Chris says he's never had any of his past girlfriends complain about it. But it's a different story with his fiancée, Kiza. "I definitely feel like I have to be sneaky about it. There's going to be a fight if I've looked at porn. She'll start yelling and get mad. She thinks it's like cheating
and I think it's just a normal thing that every guy does." But Chris does acknowledge the strength of his habit. "It's tough for me to quit," he says.

Kiza turns to Dr. Phil for help. "My fiancé's addiction to porn is out of control. I don't want to marry someone who has this problem. Can you help us?"
Kiza and Chris are going to be married in a few weeks. "Are you worried about marrying this guy?" Dr. Phil asks Kiza.

"If he's not going to stop, yeah. Definitely," she says.

"Are you going to stop?" Dr. Phil asks Chris.

"Definitely," he says.

"Oh, well, problem solved," says Dr. Phil, sarcastically. "You guys have got to be kidding me here. You don't really think there's a problem with this," he tells Chris.

"I don't," Chris admits. "I think it's normal. I've been doing it since I was a teenager, about 16 years old. I just feel like it's a part of most guys' lives ... It's hard for me to quit because it's a part of my life."

"Is there any part of that you don't understand?" Dr. Phil asks Kiza. "He's being honest. He's telling you, 'There's nothing wrong with this and you need to get over it.'"

"Right," says Kiza.
Dr. Phil has a question for Kiza: "Should you go through with this marriage in a few weeks?"

Kiza is torn. "No. But yeah. I still love him," she says.

Dr. Phil points out that the invitations have gone out and all of their wedding plans are in place. "That's why you're saying you need to go through with this wedding, right? It's like, what are you going to do now? Call everybody and tell them you're not going to get married?" Dr. Phil answers his own question: "Yeah! Because let me tell you, you have a serious problem here. He has an addiction to pornography and he thinks it's OK."

He turns to Chris: "And you say that you want to change it, but you really don't."

"Yeah, I do. That's why I'm here," says Chris.

"No, you're here because you're in trouble," says Dr. Phil. He points out that it wasn't until Kiza moved in with Chris that she really noticed his porn collection. Chris threw it all out for her.

"Except the Internet. It's the only thing I had," says Chris.
Dr. Phil and Chris debate about how much time he spends looking at Internet porn. Chris claims he has an urge to look at it once a week, so he does. "I can't explain it ... It's just like having a cigarette. The same kind of ordeal," he says.

Dr. Phil looks pointedly at Kiza. "You need to hear that honesty," he tells her. "I think you're sitting there right now thinking, 'Oh, my God. He is telling me not to get married and I have this big wedding planned.' True?"

"True," says Kiza. "And it's not just the wedding, it's my relationship with Chris that I don't want to just throw out the door."

Dr. Phil clarifies that he does believe there is potential for them to have a rewarding relationship for years to come, and he commends Chris for his honesty. But he disagrees with Chris that looking at porn is "normal."
He tells Chris, "Let me tell you why it's not normal. Number one, pornography is fantasy. It isn't real. Those girls aren't real. Let me tell you what's real. She says that when you do this, she feels hurt, ugly, deceived, lied to and inadequate because she cannot measure up to these pornography images."

Kiza begins to get emotional.
Dr. Phil continues: "You're hurting her feelings. You've got a flat-screen here. They're not real people. There's no intimacy, you're not talking to them, you're not interacting with them." He points to Kiza. "You have a thinking, feeling, breathing, flesh and bone, beautiful, beautiful woman here, who's in love with you. And you'll leave her back there in the den watching TV while you're watching somebody on a flat-screen? Let me tell you, that's makeup, it's beauty lenses, it's hair extensions, it's camera angles, it's silicone, silicone, silicone, silicone! And let me tell you what else it is. What you're looking at on that screen is somebody's daughter. You're looking at somebody's daughter who has taken a really, really wrong turn. And they are demeaning themselves, they are debasing themselves, they are humiliating themselves, and they are being exploited by people who are funded by you."

Dr. Phil also debates Chris' assertion that it's "a guy thing." "It is a sick, demented, twisted world and you are going into it over and over and over to the point that it is eroding your relationship with this girl right here. It's not healthy, it's not natural, it's not normal." Dr. Phil offers to get Chris professional help.

He turns to Kiza: "And you do not want to marry him unless and until this gets taken care of ... You're not ready to get married to him in a few weeks. If you do, you are asking for trouble. You will absolutely break your heart if you are married to a porn addict."