More Fighting than Loving

"I am going to be 25 years old. I should be having sex like rabbits," Kym says in a home video. She takes the camera into the bedroom. "OK, we are going into our sanctuary, where we do a lot of sleeping. Here is the lingerie that I bought for our honeymoon, and notice the tags are still on it because we did not get a honeymoon. We came home and were asleep by midnight." She focuses on her husband, Adam's, pillow. "See that thing right there? That's what my husband holds onto at night, not me."

"Five adjectives I'd use to describe my wife are loving, caring, fun, outgoing … and crabby," Adam says.

Kym tours their kitchen. "This is where Adam complains I don't spend enough time. And I also have something else to show you: what I got for Valentine's Day. These are beautiful flowers that I got for Valentine's Day " from my dad! Dr. Phil, we need your help badly!"


"Y'all have been married how long?" Dr. Phil asks.

"Four months," Kym says.

"Was it this way before you got married?"

"Absolutely not," she says. "We had our second son before we were married, and after that, it kind of went "" Kym sticks out her tongue and makes a noise.

[AD]"So, the sex did dry up before the marriage."

"Yes," she says.

"So, why did you get married?"

"Because I love him. I really do and " "

"How do you know? If you're not connecting with him, and all you're doing is fighting, how do you see past that to the love?" Dr. Phil asks.

"It's difficult to see at this time. I mean, really, because we do fight more than we do anything," she says.

"So, what's your story? Why are you not involved here?" Dr. Phil asks Adam.

"I just think, a lot of time when I work, after I get home, I'm too tired, or I'll come home, and the house will be a mess, and I get aggravated," he says.

"You get home from work, and you're too tired. How old are you?"

"Twenty-eight," Adam says with a smile.

Dr. Phil imitates playing the violin in mock sympathy. "Twenty-eight!"

"Yeah. I work 12-hour shifts though. By the time my day ends, it's been, like, 14, 15 hours," he says.

"You should be swinging through the door on a rope at 28!"

"It's just a bunch of excuses," Kym says.

"Adam, come on, you said you're too tired?" Rabbi Shmuley asks. "You know how many guys like you say you're too tired to touch your wife, and yet, when these guys have affairs, Dr. Phil, man, they're sleeping one hour a night and revving to go. You're bored! Admit it. There's a certain boredom in the relationship, and she feels she's not attractive to you, and she's upset."

"Absolutely. In your book, it talked about feeling like a woman first, and I absolutely do not feel that way," Kym says. "I feel like the housekeeper, and the mother and everything else besides being a woman. I feel I'm too young to just " I need to feel that way."

"So, y'all were out here last night, in the hotel," Dr. Phil notes. "No kids, right?"

[AD]"Right," Kym says.

"So, it's just the two of you, and you're in Hollywood. You're in a great hotel in Hollywood, no kids, just the two of you. So, I assume you were just rocking the building?" Dr. Phil asks.

"Absolutely not. We fell asleep," Kym says, laughing. "But this morning, we did make up for it slightly."

"Slightly?" Dr. Phil repeats. He turns to look into the camera. "Boy, we figured out how to solve your problem with sexual inactivity. Just book yourself on the Dr. Phil show! It's like cramming for an exam " ‘Let's get one in before we go up there, so we've got something to say!''

Rabbi Shmuley says more couples use sex as a sedative rather than an arouser. "Think about this: We have dinner because we get hungry, and once we finish having dinner, we're satiated, and we're no longer hungry. That's how we treat sex," he says. "We have sex because we're horny, so we have sex in order to not want it. That's bizarre. That's why the ancient tantric masters, for example, always said you should have sex without climax. Sex should have a means orientation instead of a goals orientation. Sometimes you need to build arousal and build arousal over a few nights, so he doesn't come home tired. You begin to live erotically. You're amazed because you have all this energy coursing through your veins. Now, I noticed in the notes about your marriage, Adam, you're a pretty jealous guy, aren't you?"

"Yeah," he admits.

"You don't even like your wife wearing skirts because it's a bit suggestive, is that right?"


"And you don't feel tired when you're jealous, right? And what is jealousy? Jealousy is a feeling of ‘Gosh, I can't be complacent about my wife because what if some guy wants her and wants her more than I, treats her better than I, and she begins to reciprocate his affection?'" Rabbi Shmuley says. "Your tiredness comes from complacency. You think you have her. You don't. The first thing that a woman wants is to be an object of desire, and they'll succumb to almost any guy that does that. And I don't mean literally or physically. I just mean that wives never tell their husbands about their fantasies about other men who make them feel desirable. And you know what? I think you're at the stage, Kym, where you have to start sharing those things with your husband. You guys have to start having erotic conversations, and you'll see him wake up. But that means you have to go beyond inhibitions. One of the most important erotic principals is called reckless abandon. It's when a man feels his wife is so hot, so desirable, that he'll do crazy stuff. And that's why Dr. Phil is asking you, you were sitting there in a hotel in Hollywood. Where was the crazy stuff? Well, the crazy stuff was happening in your dreams, guys. You guys were asleep!"

Dr. Phil asks, "Now, Adam, what do you think about everything he's saying? Because I get the feeling that this is just going over your head. Be honest."

"I agree that we do need to talk more, but I just … Usually when we start talking, it ends up in a fight," he says.

"Adam, what Dr. Phil is saying, and it's such an important point, is there's so much life in you," Rabbi Shmuley says. "You're a young, sexy, attractive guy. You wife desires you so deeply, and that's why she's fighting with you. You ought to be complimented " she's doing it the wrong way, that's for sure. She's fighting you because she wants more of you, and she doesn't know how to get it. And when you sit there, saying, ‘I have nothing to offer,' even the people around here " you have no credibility on that. We know that she loves you for a reason, and we know that you have a special gift, so part of that gift is your love to her."

[AD]Rabbi Shmuley suggest Adam take Kym to a dress store to have her model clothing and help her choose an outfit that makes her look sexy. "And if you want to be one of those really courageous guys, you go to Victoria's Secret, and you start doing crazy stuff, and she's like, ‘My God, look how much he wants me.' Now, how difficult is something like that?"

"If we go into Victoria's Secret together, he sweats," Kym says.

Dr. Phil reviews the top five health benefits of sex:

1. Relieves stress
2. Boosts immunity
3. Burns calories
4. Improves cardiovascular health
5. Boosts self-esteem


"You've got to recognize that you've got to do something different. You need to stop attacking," Dr. Phil tells Kym. "You may feel justified. It will not work. It is not erotic. It is not arousing. It is off-putting. If you attack, and call names, and belittle and demean … and you guys have two children. You're pregnant?"

Kym nods.

"So, we know there's some activity," he jokes.

"At least three times," she says.

"But this is a time that you don't wait for your partner. You need to wake up every day and ask yourself, ‘What can I do today to put sex back in this marriage?' not sit there and wait for him. ‘Well, I will if he will.' ‘I will if she will.' It's not about a standoff. It is about you taking personal responsibility for the climate inside your marriage. And you can do that."

[AD]"And especially now," Rabbi Shmuley says. "Pregnant women actually crave and enjoy sex more than women who aren't pregnant. There's increased blood flow to the genital region. There are so many hormones racing around the body, and studies have even been proven that women who are pregnant have very sexual dreams. Share some of those with him."

Everyone in the audience receives a copy of Rabbi Shmuley's book, The Kosher Sutra.