How to Have More Sex and Less Fighting: Rabbi Shmuley

The Secrets of Eroticism

"Why do you think people aren't having sex so much?" Dr. Phil asks Rabbi Shmuley. "You've actually studied this, written about it. What's going on?"

"Dr. Phil, I think there are three great misconceptions in our society about sex," says Rabbi Shmuley. "The first is, if we flood the culture with all these sexual images, we're actually going to be sexier. That's not true. Sex works with mystery. It actually thrives behind shadows. Number two, we all thought that sex should be goal-oriented. It should be about orgasm, when really, sex is about anticipation. It's about building on a slow burn so that you want more of it. It's not goal-oriented, it's means-oriented. And the third thing is, we all think sex is about the body, that if our sex life is dying, ‘If I go on the treadmill, or if I get all kinds of surgical procedures, I'll look more attractive, I'll have more sex with my husband.' That's also not true. Sex is primarily of the mind."

"There are a lot of women who say they don't want to have sex. Maybe they say, ‘I want to want to have sex, but I just don't want to. I'm tired, I've got kids, I've got problems, he's a shmuck, and we used to get along but now ….'" Dr. Phil says. "So what's up with that? How do we change that?"

"It's actually interesting because we have this idea in our society that it's the men who always say to their wives, ‘How about sex tonight?' and she says, ‘Not tonight. I have a headache,' and yet the man can have an ax lodged in his head, and he's still ready! It's actually not true. Women are much more sexual than men," Rabbi Shmuley says. "When women are telling you things like this, Dr. Phil, that they're not interested in sex, it's because somehow, their husbands extinguished their libido. Look, when [men] don't understand that a woman's libido is kind of like an convection oven " it needs to be warmed up a bit " and he just thinks she's a microwave, and he's going to nuke her, then don't complain when the sex is half-baked when you haven't taken the time to warm up the oven."

Rabbi Shmuley says sex is on the decline in the current bad economy. "But it's men today who aren't touching their wives. I've received so many e-mails from women who are trying to describe the excruciating nature of lying there naked in bed, night after night, and your husband thinks you're some kind of mannequin: you don't need to be touched, you don't need to be fondled. Rather than playing with your assets, this guy's playing with the remote!"

Dr. Phil says, "One of the problems that I see is when people start being moms and dads, they stop being friends and lovers. They just think, ‘Oh, I've got a higher calling. This is more important, and so they let that crowd everything out, and I think that's an all around bad deal. So, how do we rekindle all of this?"

"Well, first of all, there is the more practical, then there's the more erotic. Practical is simple: We have to minimize television watching in the bedroom. I mean, come on, is it really fair for a wife to have to compete against 500 channels of TV?" Rabbi Shmuley asks. "And then also, we need to create function-free zones. You just mentioned that after people become parents, they actually start talking about who's going to take the kids to ballet, who's going to pick up the dry cleaning, and they don't communicate as a man and a woman. Nine-thirty p.m. and on should be a function-free zone. But what I'm also more focused on is the need to bring back these erotic principals." 

The Secrets of Eroticism:

 
1. Novelty
2. The chase
3. Forbidden-ness
4. Opposites attract
5. Reckless abandon
6. Unquenchable yearning

Rabbi Shmuley continues, "For example, one of the things that kills off sexual desire more than anything else is loss of novelty. We all need new things to make us excited. We read the news not the olds. So, the same thing is true in our sex lives. Novelty does not mean something horizontal, or you need something pornographic, you need new flesh. Novelty can mean that you probe the erotic mind of your spouse. I wish that husbands would give their wives erotic interrogations. Ask her about her fantasies. Women have elaborate sexual fantasies, not like the male fantasies, which are very pornographic and very straight forward."

When Dr. Phil asks for an example, Rabbi Shmuley says, "I think that husbands would be taken aback by the degree to which their wives fantasize about other men, and they hide this from their husbands because they don't think the very brittle male [ego] can handle it."

"Well, that is tough on men. You ask your wife, ‘Want to have sex?' and she's like, ‘Nah, I can't really think of anybody,'" Dr. Phil jokes.

"Well, that's a lot better than the men. Eighty percent of husbands admit to thinking about other women while making love to their wives, so here you are, in the closest physical proximity to your wife, but in your mind you're doing a guest appearance at a Victoria's Secret fashion show," he says.

[AD]"Eighty percent? So that means there are 20 percent of us who don't do that," Dr. Phil says, looking at his wife.

Dr. Phil asks about the title of Rabbi Shmuley's book, The Kosher Sutra: Eight Sacred Secrets for Reigniting Desire and Restoring Passion for Life.

"The Kama Sutra is the world's most famous sex book, and it gives you all these ideas for positions, but it misses the most essential ingredient which is, if you have no desire to even implement even one of those positions, then what's the point of the book? The Kosher Sutra is the step before the Kama Sutra," Rabbi Shmuley explains.